by Nella Tyler
“How’s Mom?” I asked my father as we walked into the house.
“She’s a strong woman,” he replied. “She’s getting by, but some days are bad.”
“How was she after I left you guys the other night?”
“She was…upset,” Dad replied honestly. “It never even entered her mind that you might think to enlist. I think she was shocked, and on top of that to hear that you and Lauren were no longer together…well.”
“I know,” I said quickly. “Where is Mom?”
“In the kitchen,” he replied. “Getting lunch prepared.”
I nodded and sighed deeply. “I wish I knew if I was doing the right thing,” I said softly.
“Does it feel right?” he asked curiously.
“I think so,” I nodded. “But I also feel horrible most of the time. It feels like I have to do this, but I’m hurting so many people by going through with this decision.”
“You gotta make the decision that’s best for you, son,” Dad said kindly. “That’s what I told Braden, too, when he wanted to enlist.”
I nodded slowly.
“For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, son,” he said. “It gives a man a strange sense of accomplishment to know that both his sons are heroes.”
“I’m no hero,” I said quickly.
“Sure you are,” he replied with conviction. “You just don’t know it yet.”
I couldn’t help but smile as he left me to wander off into the kitchen to find Mom. She was at the stove with her back to me, and I realized that she had developed a hunch since Braden’s death. I felt my heart break in that moment, and I promised myself I would do everything in my power to come back home alive. I couldn’t let her sit through another son’s funeral.
“Hi, Mom,” I said as I stepped into the kitchen.
“Chase,” she replied as she turned to me with that smile that was sad around the edges. I wondered if that would ever go away and I would see her old smile, the one that was open and bright and unadulterated in its joy. “You’re early.”
“I wanted to squeeze in as much time as possible with you and Dad before I left for camp,” I replied.
“Ah yes,” she nodded as though she would rather not think about it.
“Something smells good,” I said, trying to move on to lighter topics.
“I want to talk to you about something,” Mom said, refusing to let me take control of the conversation.
“Okay?”
“It’s about Lauren,” she started and I sighed deeply.
“Mom—”
“No, we need to talk about this, honey,” she insisted. “Lauren and you have been together for nine years.”
“I know that,” I said trying to be patient.
“Then why are you taking this whole break up so casually?” she asked. “Why aren’t you fighting harder for her? You have to understand why she’s upset and why she’s reacting the way she is.”
“Of course, I understand it, Mom,” I nodded. “But the thing is, I can’t fight for her.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m leaving!” I said in frustration. “I’m going away, and I don’t know when I’ll be back. If I fight for her, then I’m telling her to put her life on hold and wait patiently for me. That’s not fair. She deserves more than that. She deserves to live her life.”
“And what if she meets someone else?” Mom demanded.
I hesitated. “I…. Then she meets someone else,” I said, forcing the words out of my mouth. “Like I said, I can’t expect her to put her life on hold just for me.”
“She was willing to come with you!”
“Come on, Mom,” I said. “Do you really think I would be so selfish as to take her with me?”
“No, of course not,” she replied. “But I did think you would value your relationship more than you’ve shown. She’s been with you through it all. She was amazing during Braden’s funeral. She took care of everything. She comforted me when I was crying my eyes out, fed me when I was too weak to feed myself, and dealt with the mourners because I was too grief stricken to accept their sympathies. She was right there with us the whole way.”
“I know all this, Mom,” I said, even though I didn’t really know how much Lauren had done for my mother at the time.
“And, you’re just going to go off to war without talking to her? Without trying to fix this? I know you’re suffering. I know that losing Braden hurt you badly, but how is losing Lauren going to solve anything?”
“I need to do this, Mom,” I sighed. “I can’t explain it. I just…it’s something I have to do.”
She sighed deeply. “I suppose there’s nothing more to be done then.”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she replied. “Just come back alive.”
I nodded. There was nothing that I could say. I would have loved to promise her that I would be safe, but I had broken enough promises to Lauren, I didn’t want to do the same thing to my mother. After lunch, I hugged my parents goodbye, trying not to dwell on the tears sliding down Mom’s face. I kissed her on the forehead, promised I wouldn’t try to be a hero, got into the car, and started the drive.
Two and a half hours later, I was parked in front of the massive, walled boot camp William had described to me. I paused for a moment outside its gates and pulled the car to a stop. I picked up my phone and wrote down a message that had forming inside my head for hours.
“Lauren, I just wanted to say that I love you and I will be looking for you every single time I come back home. I know you’re hurting right now and it’s because of me. I’m sorry for that, and I wish there was some way I could show you that despite everything, you are still the most important thing in my life. I love you, Lauren; never doubt that.”
I sent the message before I could re-think it and delete the whole thing. I was about to put it down when I received an alert. I grabbed my phone again and looked hungrily at the screen. It was my message; it had come back undelivered which meant only one thing: Lauren had blocked me. The finality of that move sent shivers racing down my back.
This was it, then: the end of our relationship and the beginning of my new life. I had drawn a line in the sand and stepped over it. Now there was nothing left to do but keep walking. I only hoped that I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life looking back over my shoulder.
Chapter Fifteen
Lauren
Two Months Later
The dress I had originally intended to wear for my graduation was a little too tight for comfort. I had no choice but to swap it out for a white, lace dress that billowed at the waist, expertly covering up my slowly emerging baby bump.
I was fourteen weeks pregnant and just starting to show, but it was the kind of bump that could also be equated with a big lunch, depending on what I wore. I just opted for loose clothes so that I didn’t have to explain myself before I needed to. I knew I would have to tell my mother soon. I knew I should have told her weeks ago, but I just couldn’t face that conversation.
My mother had always loved Chase and had been devastated when I had told her about our break-up. I just didn’t need to hear her tell me that I needed to talk to Chase and tell him about the baby. I had just changed into my white lace dress when she walked in.
“Oh, honey,” she said looking at my fondly. “You look lovely.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Mom,” I said, turning back to my reflection in the mirror.
The dress was flattering and set a lovely contrast against my green eyes and dark hair. But despite that, I could see how lifeless my face looked. There was no real vibrancy there. My eyes were sad and dull, my cheeks were permanently pale, and the make-up I had applied did little to cover up the fact.
The last two months had been the hardest of my life. Living without Chase almost felt like I had lost one of my senses and I was ambling around, desperate to regain some shred of normalcy.
I knew that was impossible, though. Everything was different n
ow and my only option was to come to terms with my new reality.
“How are you wearing your hair?” Mom asked as she sat down on the edge of my bed.
“Down,” I said.
“Good,” she nodded. “How are you feeling?”
I sighed. “All right.”
“Tired?” she asked pointedly.
“I…well, a little,” I nodded. “Probably just nerves.”
“That or the pregnancy.”
I turned to her in shock. “You know?”
Mom smiled. “Of course I know,” she replied.
“How long?”
“I suspected a week after you moved in here,” she replied. “And then a week later, I was sure.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I demanded.
“Because I was hoping you would tell me yourself.”
“Oh,” I said lowering my eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t. It was just that—”
“You didn’t want to have that conversation with me.”
“I guess,” I nodded.
“Well, if you thought I was going to tell you to call Chase and tell him about the baby, then you were wrong,” she told me decidedly.
“I was?”
She smiled. “I’ll admit that was not my opinion when I first suspected, but I have since changed my mind.”
“Is that so?” I said sitting down next to her. “What changed your mind?”
“I realized that you had your reasons,” Mom replied. “And you wouldn’t have made the choice had you not thought it over thoroughly.”
“So you agree with me not telling Chase?” I asked.
She smiled. “I wouldn’t go that far,” she said gently. “I understand why you haven’t told him. And, even though I think he deserves to know, at least at some point, I also think that he needs to make some attempt to show you he cares and wants to make things work with you.”
I bit my lip and refrained from telling her about the fact that I’d changed my email address and blocked Chase’s number long ago. I knew she wouldn’t approve of that, and I was enjoying having some understanding rather than being told all my decisions thus far had been wrong.
“I know no one understands why I don’t want to tell him,” I sighed. “But no one else is in the position I’m in. I don’t want him to choose me just because I’m pregnant. And I don’t want him to come back for that reason, either. He’s doing well with his training. I guess that speaks volumes.”
“He’s doing well with his training?” Mom repeated. “How do you know?”
“Clark,” I replied.
“Clark?” she said in confusion.
“Clark is Beth’s brother,” I said. “He and Chase have always kept in sporadic contact. Apparently, Chase is well into his training, and he’s adjusting well to life as a soldier.”
Mom must have heard the bitterness in my voice because she reached out and took my hand. “I’m sorry, Lauren. I know how much you wanted him at your graduation.”
“He should have been here,” I said. “He should have wanted to be here. I’ve been looking forward to this moment for so long and then he just…left me behind. He turned his back on me, and that means I owe him nothing. I need to do what’s right for me now, Mom. That’s why I’m not going to tell him about the baby. He promised me he would always be there for me. He went back on his word, and that means that I need to look out for myself, which is probably what I should have done in the first place.”
“Okay, darling,” she replied, and her voice was soft with sympathy. “Okay.”
I nodded and got up. “Are you ready to go?”
“I’m ready,” she nodded.
My actual graduation passed by in a blur. I went through the motions of the ceremony, I cheered for my friends, and I walked up on stage to receive my diploma, but it felt like an out of body experience. It felt like I was watching myself from a distance, as though I was not connected to any part of the moment. I felt no sense of pride or accomplishment; I felt no excitement or nervousness.
Chase’s absence consumed me completely and that was the only thing I could feel through the entire ceremony. I was angry and hurt and bitter. I had stuck by him through everything, but the moment I expected something from him, he had disappeared. He had turned tail and vanished into an adolescent dream in search of a ghost.
“Lauren?”
“Yes?” I said, turning to Beth.
“Are you all right?” she asked. “You seem a little distracted.”
“I’m fine,” I said, waving off her concern.
“You’re coming to the party tonight, right?” she asked.
I hesitated a moment.
“Come on, Lauren,” she insisted. “It’ll do you good to get out there and party it up a little. You deserve to feel happy on your graduation.”
“I’ll come,” I nodded, realizing that she was right. Even if I couldn’t really feel happy, I would do my best to pretend. Maybe if I pretended long enough, it would eventually take the form of sincerity.
I saw my mom approach me from the sidelines. I walked over and embraced her hard. “I’m so proud of you, my darling,” she whispered into my ear. “You looked so beautiful up there.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said, taking some joy from the pride on her face.
“Umm…there’s one thing,” she said, looking slightly uncomfortable.
“What is it?”
“Mr. and Mrs. Morgan are here,” she said.
“What – oh,” I said, realizing that I had invited to my graduation months ago. I was surprised they had still shown up after everything that had happened, but a part of me was touched, too. “Where are they?”
“Over there where the chairs are set up,” Mom pointed out to me.
“I’ll go over and say hi to them,” I said as I put on my best face and walked over.
Mr. Morgan was dressed in a dark-gray suit, and Mrs. Morgan was wearing a navy-blue dress and a little hat that barely covered her head. They were both smiling at me as I approached, but I detected some awkwardness in the way they embraced and congratulated me.
“Thank you for coming,” I said and I meant it.
“Do you mind that we came?” Mrs. Morgan said reaching out for my hand.
“Of course not,” I told them. “I’m very glad you did come.”
“Lauren,” Mrs. Morgan started, and I could tell from her tone that she was emotional. “We’re so proud of you; you’ve been like a daughter to us.”
I felt myself get a little emotional hearing her words, but I didn’t miss the past tense she had used when she had referred to me as a daughter.
“We got you a little graduation present,” Mr. Morgan said as he reached into his coat and pulled out a little box.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” I said, but I accepted the gift and opened the box. Inside sat an antique, silver brooch in the image of a piano. It was almost like the piano that sat in their living room, the one I had been in love with my whole life. It was small, but intricately detailed and my breath caught at the sight of it. “Oh my God,” I breathed. “This is too much.”
“Please,” Mrs. Morgan insisted. “We want you to have it.”
“I…thank you so, so much,” I said looking up at them. “It’s exquisite.”
“We’re glad you like it,” Mr. Morgan smiled.
“Lauren…” Mrs. Morgan started off a little shakily. “I want you to know that I was heartbroken when Chase told me about what happened between you two.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t know why he did what he did,” she continued while Mr. Morgan looked supremely uncomfortable. “He should have stayed here with you. He should have married you.”
I looked down at the brooch because there was nothing I could say. Mr. Morgan cleared his throat and put his arm around his wife. “Come now, Hannah; there’s no point in talking about what could have been. We should let Lauren enjoy the rest of her graduation.”
“Of course,” she said quick
ly.
“Thank you again for my present,” I said emphatically as I hugged them both again. “I will always treasure it.”
I said goodbye to them and found my mother again. She was talking to Beth when I approached. “How did it go?” they asked at the same time.
I handed over the brooch. “They gave me a graduation present,” I said.
“Oh my God,” Beth said with wide eyes. “That is beautiful.”
“It looks so expensive,” Mom said watching for my reaction.
“It probably was,” I nodded. “It was kind of them to come at all, much less bring a gift.”
“A piano,” Beth observed, turning the brooch over in her hand.
“The whole family knew I loved Mrs. Morgan’s grand piano, despite the fact that I can’t play,” I said. “It was really thoughtful of them.”
“It was,” Mom nodded. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I said. “It was just strange seeing them. In any case, I don’t think I’ll see them again after this.”
Beth and Mom exchanged a glance, and I knew they were thinking what I was thinking. The baby I was carrying was their grandchild; if I chose to have contact with them, then the truth would come out, which meant I couldn’t see them again after this. I felt a tug of sadness in my chest, but I pushed it aside. I needed to do this for my baby.
“Lauren?”
“Yes?” I said turning to Beth.
“We’re going to be leaving soon for the party.”
“Okay.”
“You’re still coming, right?”
“Yes, I am,” I nodded.
I needed to move on with my life. I needed to forget the past and put everything to do with Chase behind me. I couldn’t live the rest of my life dreaming about what could have been.
“By the way,” I asked Beth. “Is Jeremy coming to the party?”
“Yes, I think so,” she nodded.
“Good.”
Chapter Sixteen
Chase
I was sweating buckets, but it felt good to sweat. It felt as though I had accomplished something. I finished my drill and then started on another one. I had already completed my quota for the day, but I enjoyed the burn in my side and the shooting pain that flashed up my torso. I needed that pain; it was the only thing that could keep my mind off Lauren for any stretch of time.
