by Nella Tyler
“What are you thinking, Mom?” I asked pointedly.
“Nothing,” she replied innocently. “It’s just that….”
“Yes?”
“Jeremy seemed very nice.”
I smiled. “He is.”
“Is he single?”
“Mom!”
“What?” she asked. “I’m curious.”
“If you want, I can give him your number,” I said teasingly. “The two of you would make a cute couple.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “I’m just saying, darling, it’s been awhile. Maybe it’s time you start thinking about moving on with your life.”
“I was a little busy having a baby, Mom.”
“And now you’ve had your baby. Is there a point in waiting when there’s a perfectly nice guy right in front of you?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready,” I said honestly.
“Just keep an open mind,” Mom said gently.
I nodded and then detached Cole from my breast. He was in a good mood now that he was fed and cool. “Will you burp him?” I asked. “I need to hurry.”
I handed her the baby and then rushed into my bathroom. I would have loved to indulge in a twenty-minute shower, but I knew I was cutting it close, so I settled on a measly ten and a quick blow dry before I rushed to my wardrobe.
The breastfeeding had done wonders for my baby weight, and only four weeks in, I was only seven pounds away from my pre-baby weight. And since those seven pounds could be easily camouflaged, they didn’t bother me at all. I picked a pair of black trousers, a white silk blouse, and a navy-blue blazer that was comfortably chic without being too oppressively businesslike. Then I dabbed on some lipstick and rouge, combed out my blow dry, slipped into my favorite nude wedges, and walked out of my bedroom feeling relatively put together.
“You look great,” Mom said the moment she saw me.
“Is he sleeping?” I asked.
“Went out like a light,” she nodded. “You’ve got three hours before his next feed.”
“I’ll be back before then,” I assured her as I grabbed my bag and headed out the door.
Jeremy was already there when I walked into the restaurant. He was sitting at a table by the window in a thin, light-gray sweater that he had rolled up to the elbows. I was struck by how good-looking he was and tried not to be too affected by that observation.
“Hi, Jeremy,” I said as I walked up to the table. “I’m so sorry I’m late.”
“Lauren!” he said rising the moment he saw me. “It’s been so long. I was scared you weren’t going to show up.”
“I wouldn’t have stood you up.”
“No, but you have rescheduled a couple of times,” he reminded me.
“I’m sorry; my life has been a little hectic recently.”
“Don’t apologize, I get it. You’re here now.”
Our eyes locked onto one another and I had to forcibly break the contact. It was strangely intimate and I wasn’t sure if I was imagining the awkward chemistry in the air that hid other things that I was scared to explore.
“So, when was the last time we saw each other?” Jeremy asked.
“At that party right after our graduation,” I reminded him.
“My God, that was almost ten months ago,” he said.
“It was,” I nodded.
“I can’t believe we haven’t really spoken since then,” he said. “I actually asked Grace and Maisy about you a couple of times, but they told me they hadn’t heard from you since graduation.”
“Yeah, I’ve been flying under the radar lately.”
“Oh yeah?” Jeremy asked. “How come?”
I hesitated for a moment, wondering why I was so reluctant to tell Jeremy about Cole. “I…just, you know…work and stuff,” I said finally. I knew I shouldn’t have been embarrassed, but the truth was that I didn’t want to be judged, especially by Jeremy. I didn’t want to explain why I had a baby and no husband; it was old fashioned and I was probably being silly but my insecurities won over my sense.
“Of course,” Jeremy nodded. “And how’s my arch rival doing?”
“Who?”
“Your boyfriend,” Jeremy replied. “The soul mate?”
“Oh,” I said feeling my heart drop. “You don’t know.”
“Know what?”
“We’re not together anymore,” I said, forcing out the words. They still tasted bitter coming out.
“Are you kidding?”
“I’m not,” I said with a forced smile. “He doesn’t live here anymore. He enlisted in the military.”
“I heard about that,” Jeremy admitted. “I just assumed you were still with him despite that.”
“Turned out our relationship couldn’t survive that decision,” I said.
“I’m sorry, Lauren,” he said lowering his eyes. “I didn’t realize.”
“No it’s fine,” I said quickly. “It was a while ago now; I’m over it.”
“Are you really?” Jeremy asked with concern that touched me.
I smiled sadly. “Well, I’m doing my best.”
Jeremy nodded. “Well, if you ever need to talk.”
“Thanks, but what I really need to talk about is this new venture of mine…ours, I guess,” I said brightening up my tone, hoping to change the topic as fast as possible.
He complied easily and we got into talking about the business of opening up a gym and the possibility of finding a good piece of land that would meet our needs. He spoke with conviction and passion, and I found myself getting more and more excited until I started to see my career dream blossom right before my eyes.
“Do you really think this is possible?” I asked while we were half way through our meal.
“Of course it’s possible,” he said firmly. “We’re going to do this. In fact, I think we should start looking for real estate next month.”
“That’s soon,” I gulped.
“There’s really no reason to wait.”
I nodded. “Okay,” I said. “Let’s do this.”
“Excellent,” he said. “I think we can look forward to getting things started as soon as April.”
“Wow,” I said, shaking my head to clear my frantic thoughts.
“Just trust me, Lauren,” Jeremy said making eye contact with me again.
“I do,” I said. The words came easily to me.
His smile warmed up his entire face. His eyes were so full of expression that I found myself admiring them fondly. I averted my eyes as a wave of some nameless emotion hit me. It was so bogged down in confusion that I could barely decipher what it was: loneliness, desire, need? It was probably all of the above.
“I know this is a little off topic, but you look amazing,” Jeremy said unexpectedly and I had to will myself not to blush. “Is it okay that I said that?”
I smiled. “It’s okay that you said that.”
I glanced down at my watch to mask the fact that the blush I had tried to fight had won and I gasped at the time. “Oh my God, we’ve been here three hours.”
“I guess so. Is that a problem?” he asked in surprise.
“No, it’s just that I have…a work thing to get to,” I said. “It’s really important.”
“Oh. Well then, I won’t keep you,” Jeremy replied, but I sensed a note of disappointment in his tone and I couldn’t help but be flattered by it.
I pulled out my bag, but Jeremy reached out with his hand and stopped me. “The bill’s already taken care of, Lauren,” he said. “So don’t worry, this one’s on me.”
“Jeremy—”
“Consider it my pleasure.”
I shook my head at him. “Very sneaky,” I said. “But thank you. That was a lovely lunch. I really enjoyed it.”
“Not as much as I did,” he countered.
I laughed. “I guess I’ll see you soon, then,” I said as I leaned in to hug him goodbye.
I didn’t expect to feel a little spark rush through me as our bodies made contact. It felt so nice
to have his arms around me, even if it was for just a second. I pulled back and smiled awkwardly up at him. “Okay,” I said. “Bye.”
“Lauren?”
“Yes?” I said, turning around.
“Would you like to have lunch with me next week?”
I could see the nerves behind his question and I felt my own nerves rush up to meet his. I was wrong in thinking there was nothing between Jeremy and me. Now that I was single, I could see that there was chemistry there, but I couldn’t ignore my fear. I still wasn’t ready.
“I’ll have to check my schedule,” I said. “Can I let you know?”
His face fell slightly but he managed to smile. “Of course.”
“Great,” I said trying not to feel too guilty. “Bye, Jeremy.”
“Bye, Lauren.”
I turned and walked away from him, but a part of me felt like I was running.
Chapter Twenty
Chase
Three Years Later
I remembered a time when guns had felt heavy in my hands. Now, they were like an extension of my arm, a necessary means of protection. Sometimes there were situations in which the only time I felt truly safe was when I had one in hand.
Today, however, I was surrounded by desert in a hostile environment. Today, I was in a controlled space under several, bright lights being watched by my superiors as I took apart a carbine M4A1 and put it back together under their watchful eyes. I knew I was fast, faster than more than half the guys on the team, probably the fastest of the lot, and that gave me some amount of ease as I finished up my assessment.
The second I was done, the lights dimmed and I was told to step away from the gun. Afterwards, I was dismissed quietly and I walked out of the booth feeling relatively satisfied. Moments later, Sergeant Griffin walked out in his pristine uniform and approached me as I stood to attention.
“Stand down, soldier,” he said easily, and I relaxed immediately. “You did a good job in there today.”
“Thank you, sir,” I nodded. Sergeant Griffin cut an intimidating figure; he was six foot three inches with dark piercing eyes that missed very little. Gaining his approval was part of the reason I found myself where I was today.
“You broke the record today,” Sergeant Griffin nodded. “Fastest disassembly and assembly of a gun in three years.”
“Really?” I said caught off guard by that information. “Wow…I didn’t expect that.”
“You did well,” he continued. “So well, in fact, that I’m willing to offer you a special placement at Camp Pendleton for our new program in gun training in April.”
“April?” I repeated, feeling my heart sink.
“Yes, is that a problem?”
“My tour of duty will be over by then, Sergeant,” I replied hesitantly. “I’ll be back home in April.”
“Unless you plan to re-enlist,” he said without missing a beat.
“I…I….”
“Think about it,” Sergeant Griffin said without waiting for my clumsy reply. “It’s a prestigious placement program, Morgan. Not everyone gets in.”
I nodded. “Thank you, sir,” I replied. “I will definitely think about it.”
The moment he was gone, I went straight to my bunker, hoping to be alone. But my hopes were squashed the moment I saw Damper sitting on my bed waiting for me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked frowning at him.
“How’d it go?” he asked excitedly, completely ignoring my question.
“I…it went fine.”
“Fine?” Damper repeated as the smile on his face dropped. “That bad, huh?”
“No,” I sighed. “It went well. Really well, in fact.”
“Oh?” Damper said with raised eyebrows as though he didn’t quite believe me.
“In fact, I broke some assembly record or something,” I said.
“Geez. Seriously?”
“Apparently,” I nodded. “Sergeant Griffin told me himself.”
“He spoke to you?”
“For, like, three whole minutes,” I nodded. “It was magical.”
Damper snorted. “What did he say?”
“He offered me a special placement at this very exclusive program for gun training they’re offering for a few select soldiers,” I told Damper. “The program starts in April at Camp Pendleton.”
“Fuck,” Damper breathed, resorting to his favorite multipurpose word. “Fuck. You're kidding, right?”
“Totally serious,” I said, sitting down on my bed.
“Okay,” he said calmly. “Then I have only one question.”
“Which is?”
“Why the fuck aren’t you more excited?” he demanded. “You should be bouncing off the walls, not sitting here next to me as though someone just told you your dog died.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “It’s complicated.”
“Sometimes I want to punch you in the face, you know,” Damper said in perfect seriousness. “What is so complicated about this?"
“For starters, I would have to re-enlist.”
The moment I said the words, realization dawned in Damper’s eyes. “Oh,” he said.
“Yeah.”
“Is this about you not wanting to enlist again, or is it still about the girlfriend you left behind?” he asked shrewdly.
“Both,” I said diplomatically.
“Bull,” Damper said immediately. “This is completely about the girlfriend.”
“I have to go back for her.”
“Fine,” he said. “Go back for her, re-enlist, and bring her back with you this time. Everything will be perfect and maybe the second time around, you’ll be more fun to be around.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You’re re-enlisting?”
“I am,” Damper nodded. “I already signed my papers. I’m in for another four years.”
“And you made the decision just like that?”
“Of course not,” he shook his head. “I thought about it. I’m not done with the military yet and I’m fucking sure it’s not done with me, either.”
“If only I could be that sure,” I sighed.
“Come on, man,” Damper said. “You told me that she was willing to come with you once before. Why wouldn’t she do it this time, too?”
“Umm, maybe because we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in four years,” I pointed out. “Because I broke her heart and left her behind. Because I’ve written her probably a hundred letters since I’ve been away, and I haven’t received a single reply in return. Because I don’t know where her life is at now, and I can’t expect her to drop everything and move with me the moment I ask.”
Damper was silent for a moment. “You’d really need to turn on the charm.”
“I don’t know if I even have the charm anymore.”
“Don’t be modest, you sexy bastard,” he said, punching me in the arm. “You’re still eye candy to the ladies, even though all the women around here think you’re gay.”
“I’ve only ever had eyes for Lauren,” I said firmly.
“I know, I know,” Damper said raising his hands. “She was and is the perfect woman, you love her and you have to get her back. I’ve heard it all before.”
“You kind of suck as a friend, you know?” I said with a smile.
He laughed and nodded. “I know.”
I leaned back against the hard wall. “But, seriously. It’s not just Lauren. I mean, she’s the main reason – I’m not doing to deny that – but…I feel as though I did what I needed to do. I served my country and in some ways, I even feel closer to Braden. I get it now. I understand. Maybe that’s why I needed to come here in the first place.”
“You’re saying you’re not interested in the placement?” he asked incredulously.
“It’s an honor—”
“It is an honor!” Damper exclaimed before I could finish my sentence. “It’s a huge fucking honor. I would kill for that placement.”
“It’s different for us, though,” I pointed out.
/> “How so?”
“You didn’t turn your back on anything to be here,” I said. “You didn’t turn your back on anyone.”
“Okay, I’ll concede that I don’t have a hot girl back home waiting for me,” Damper said at last. “And, I’ll also admit that if I did and she looked anything like your girl, then I’d be equally as motivated to get back home.”
“Thank you,” I nodded.
“But—”
“No, no,” I said quickly. “I like where you ended your sentence.”
He shot me a look and continued talking. “Are you giving up everything you’ve worked for here to go back home for a girl who might not want you anymore?”
“Urgh,” I groaned. “Why didn’t you just stop there?"
“Seriously, man,” Damper went on. “Like you said, you don’t know where her life is at now. What if she’s with someone else? What if she’s married?”
“She’s not,” I said with certainty.
“How do you know?”
“I just know,” I said stubbornly, even though I didn’t. I was just holding on to the desperate hope that Lauren was still single and secretly pining for me the way I had been pining for her these last four years.
“Geez,” Damper said shaking his head at me. “This must have been some kinda relationship.”
I nodded as memories flooded my head. “It was,” I said. “It was as close to perfect as perfect can get. I just was too young and stupid to see that at the time.”
“Well, man, I wish you luck,” he said, realizing I was a lost cause. “You coming to dinner or what?”
“Yeah,” I said distractedly. “I’m heading in for a shower; I’ll meet you after.”
Damper nodded a goodbye and disappeared through the door. I sat there for a moment, letting the conversation lie for a bit and then I got up and went in for my shower. The whole time, I had Lauren’s face in my head and for once, it didn’t feel so painful. The end was near and I was so close to being discharged that I could finally put my thoughts into actions. I had been waiting for this day for four years.
