by Nella Tyler
He was the first man I had ever slept with, he was the only man I had ever slept with, and I had believed at one point that he would be the last man I would ever sleep with. With those thoughts circling in my head, it was impossible for me to think straight. It was impossible for me to make a sensible decision and walk away from this. Because when he was kissing me, it felt like everything was okay.
“Come home with me,” he groaned in my ear and I could feel the strength of his erection at my waist.
I barely hesitated. “Okay,” I replied. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”
We stumbled out into the cold night air and Chase hailed a taxi. We stayed on opposite ends of the back seat, barely looking at each other the whole time. We didn’t say two words to each other. There was nothing to say. The atmosphere was so charged, so full of lust and sex and passion, that it did all the talking for us.
It had been a long time since I’d found myself at Chase’s parents’ house. It looked unfamiliar somehow, as though the new flowers outside the drive and the fresh coat of paint had transformed it completely. I waited till Chase paid the driver and then I followed him upstairs to his room.
I didn’t have time to notice anything about his room because the moment he closed the door behind us, he was on me and it was nothing like it had been on the dance floor. He was like a ravenous animal whose appetite needed to be satiated. His lips were everywhere and left a burning trail of heat wherever they landed. His hands tore at my dress, pulling it off me within seconds so that I was naked while he was still fully clothed.
My hand reached for his penis and wrapped itself around the length of his erection inside his pants. I felt him shudder against me and took the opportunity to remove his shirt and unbuckle his belt. When we collapsed backwards onto his bed, we were both naked, both clawing at each other like starved animals seeking water. I wanted him inside me.
“Lauren,” he whispered, rubbing his erection against my clitoris. “Lauren…fuck, I’ve missed you.”
I felt my body tense at his words, and I squeezed his penis harder, hoping that would put an end to the talking, but he just continued. “You’re so perfect, you’re so fucking perfect. I should never have left you behind.”
I removed my hand from his penis and slammed it down against his mouth. “Stop talking,” I said fiercely. “Stop talking now.”
He looked at me as though he were not sure what I meant.
“You want to fuck me?” I asked. “Fine, go ahead, my body is yours for the night. You can fuck me till there’s no life left in your body. I want you take me in every position you can think of, I want you make me cum over and over again, I want you to cum on me, and I want you to enjoy it. But what I don’t want is to hear about your feelings or your mistakes or your regrets. I don’t want to hear about love. This is not love – this is sex. So shut up and fuck my brains out.”
I removed my hand from his mouth and challenged him to defy me. His response was to push himself inside me with such force that I screamed and reached for the headboard just for something to grip. He did exactly what I asked of him. He fucked me until he couldn’t fuck me anymore. He fucked me till my body was sore and my legs were shaky. He fucked me in eight different positions until sweat trickled off both our bodies and mixed together.
He didn’t handle me gently or sweetly or tenderly. He was rough and wild and unapologetic. He left marks on my skin just as I left marks on his. He made me cum until I was screaming with my hands in fists and my body quivering with desire. And then he pulled out at the last possible minute and came on my breasts, his entire body shaking uncontrollably, as though it were possessed.
I stared up at him as he knelt over me. There was still a slight resemblance of the boy he used to be, the boy I had fallen in love with all those years ago. But we were both different now. Everything was different now.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chase
It was like the first time all over again. Except this time, I knew what I was doing. There was so much I wanted to say to her, but she was in no mood to hear it. She wanted to fuck, plain and simple. I sealed my mouth shut and did exactly what she had asked of me. If lust was my in, then I was going to use it to win her over.
We fucked like animals because I knew that was what she wanted. Her body had changed very little, but she had stretch marks around her stomach that I couldn’t understand. It didn’t matter; I ravaged her like I had dreamed and it was better than my imagination could ever have hoped to accomplish. Afterwards, I collapsed onto my back beside Lauren as she reached for a tissue to wipe her breasts. I reached for the tissue to do it, but she resisted my attempt.
“I can do it for you,” I said.
“No, I can manage,” she replied, and I let it lie.
She was breathing heavily, too, and I was satisfied that I had made her cum so many times. My body felt drained, but it was the good kind of fatigue that made you feel full and whole again. I turned to my side so that I could admire her body. My eyes tracked the swell of her breasts, the flatness of her belly, and the curve of her hips.
Her hair was a mess of brown curls that lay across my pillow casting patterns on the shadows there. Her green eyes were turned away from me so I couldn’t see their brightness. I ran my fingers between her navel and her breasts as I leaned into her so that we could find that cozy sweet spot that had always helped me sleep in the old days.
She cleared her throat heavily as I tried to bring her closer to me. Then she removed my hand gently and sat up in bed. “I have to go,” was all she said.
“You have to go?” I repeated stupidly. “It’s late.”
“I can get a cab.”
“If you have to get home, I can drive you,” I said. “I just thought—”
“You just thought what?” Lauren asked as she turned to me with that new fierceness in her eyes.
“I…I thought it would be nice if you could stay,” I suggested.
She gave me a smile that was anything but warm. “I’m not staying, Chase. Either you can drive me home, or I’ll get myself a cab.”
Then she got off the bed and proceeded to get dressed as though I wasn’t watching her every move. She seemed unconcerned by my gaze, but from the way she studiously avoided my eyes, I knew she was conscious of herself.
“I can’t convince you to stay?” I tried one last time.
“No,” she replied shortly.
It was strange how quickly the magic of the past few moments had dissipated. I had actually believed I was making some headway just to find myself at a brick wall. I was started to realize that there were invisible changes I had missed before. There was a new hardness in Lauren and I suspected it had a lot to do with me.
“Okay,” I nodded as I swung off the bed and started to get dressed too.
Lauren stood by the door waiting for me to put some shoes on. Every once in a while, her eyes would survey the room as though she were trying to fight off the memories.
“You have a new bed,” she observed.
“It was a welcome home gift from my parents,” I replied.
She hesitated a moment. “How are they?”
I glanced at her and noticed she looked slightly uncomfortable. “They’re fine,” I nodded. “They’ve managed to find some peace after Braden’s death. Mom said she tried calling you a couple of times.”
Lauren sighed. “I know. It was wrong of me not to call her back, but….”
“But?”
Her eyes flashed to mine and then away again, “I was trying to move on with my life and I didn’t want constant reminders of a past I was trying to leave behind.”
“Oh,” I said because I had nothing better to say.
“Will you tell her I’m sorry?” Lauren asked after a moment’s silence. “Your mother has always been really good to me. She didn’t deserve to be ignored.”
“I’ll tell her,” I nodded as I stood up and walked towards her. “Lauren, I—”
She must
have suspected that I was going to get sentimental on her because she didn’t let me finish my sentence. “Let’s go,” she said abruptly, cutting me off as she turned and walked out the door.
I had no choice but to follow her downstairs and outside towards Dad’s car. I unlocked it and moved to hold the door open for her, but she gave me a pointed look. “That’s unnecessary,” she said. “I can open my own door.”
“I know you can,” I said with an amicable smile. “I’d just rather do it for you.”
She rolled her eyes and got into the front seat. I walked around and got behind the wheel, aware of how quickly the atmosphere had changed. Now that we had used up all the sexual tension between us, there was nothing more than stiff silence and four years’ worth of wasted time. We had both sobered up too, and that didn’t exactly help matters.
“Where to?” I asked as I turned on the ignition and moved down the drive.
“Corner of First and Maine,” Lauren replied. “Thistle-Brick Apartments.”
“You live with your mother,” I said.
“Yes.”
“How has that been?” I asked, hoping to get an easy flowing conversation started.
“How has that been?” she repeated with raised eyebrows as though she were stumped by the question. I had to admit it wasn’t the best, but I was desperate to get her talking about anything.
“Well…I just…. What’s it like living with her?” I asked stumbling over my words.
“I’ve lived with her before, you know,” Lauren pointed out. “The first eighteen years of my life.”
“Right,” I nodded sheepishly. “Right. How is she?”
“Fine,” Lauren replied shortly.
“That’s good,” I nodded. “Is she still the caretaker at Hoffman’s?”
“Yes.”
“She really likes the job huh?”
“I assume she does,” Lauren replied. “There’s no other reason for her to have stayed there so long.”
“Right,” I nodded. “You mentioned that you were starting up your business soon.”
“I am.”
“When is it launching?”
“Soon.”
I sighed inwardly at her clipped answers, but I couldn’t blame her. I was a little surprised that the conversation was so forced after what we had just shared, but I also knew that it was naïve to believe that good sex could solve everything.
“You look the same, you know,” I remarked. “Still beautiful and confident and completely unaware of how beautiful you are. Still the same.”
“Funny,” Lauren replied. “You look completely different to me.”
I glanced over at her. “I do?”
“I barely recognize you anymore,” she replied.
I knew she was trying to hurt me, but a part of me was glad for that. If she was trying to hurt me, it was because she cared. She still cared about how things had gone between us and she cared because she still had feelings for me. I wondered if this was just more wishful thinking and I decided it wasn’t.
“How are the old clients?” I asked. “Ray and Travers and Lucille?”
“I wouldn’t know,” Lauren replied. “I lost contact with most of them after I stopped training them.”
“Right,” I nodded. “There’s no one you still keep in touch with.”
“They’re my clients, Chase,” I replied. “Not my friends.”
“Right,” I said, and then I felt self-conscious because I realized I was saying “right” a lot. “Is Romano’s still open? They had the best ice cream.”
“Chase, you don’t have to make conversation the whole way there,” Lauren said with a sigh. “I’m perfectly happy to sit here in silence.”
“But I want to talk to you,” I said. “I’ve missed you, Lauren.”
She didn’t answer. Instead, she turned her head to the side so that all I could see was her shiny, dark hair that formed a curtain over her face. I refused to give up, though. I had to keep trying no matter how long it took.
“It’s strange being back in L.A.,” I said as though she had asked me the question. “Everything feels different somehow. Especially compared with the Middle East. But I suppose that’s to be expected.”
I glanced at her, but I got no response in return, so I just continued randomly. “I remember the first few weeks after the deployment. They were probably the worst of my life. Probably because I realized I had made a huge mistake in leaving you behind, but also because I realized that none of this would bring Braden back.
“I guess a small part of me thought that if I sacrificed my life here and became a soldier like Braden, then I would have him back in some capacity. He would be…alive again. I guess over time, I did find myself understanding him a little more, but that doesn’t really bring him back. It just makes me miss him more sometimes. I know I’m probably rambling, and I don’t make any sense at the moment—”
“Turn here,” Lauren said in a curt voice.
“What?”
“Turn here,” she repeated again.
I went where she directed me and then she pointed to a gray building to the right. “This is it,” she said. “You can stop here.”
I pulled the car to a halt and turned to look at her. “Lauren, wait,” I said quickly before she could open her door. “Please.”
“What?” she asked.
“I know this isn’t easy for you,” I said imploringly. “I know I hurt you, but I’m trying to tell you how much I regretted the decision to leave you behind. You deserved better than that. You were there for me when I needed you, but I wasn’t there for you.”
“You’re right,” Lauren said her eyes flashing at me dangerously. “You are completely right. You did leave me behind. You did make a mistake, and all for what? Your brother was gone, Chase, and instead of clinging to me and letting me help you, you pushed me away and you ended up losing me too.
“And now you’ve done with your soul-searching quest and you’re back home, you expect me to drop my life and run into your arms again? How is that fair? How is that right? You have no idea what I’ve been through. You have no idea about my life now. You made your choice and you left me alone so…fuck you very much.”
With that, she got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked towards the apartment building without a backward glance. I wanted to get out and follow her, but I knew she was too upset to deal with me. In truth, I wasn’t sure I knew what to say to her in the first place. I was starting to think that I was fighting a losing battle with her. I hadn’t anticipated the strength of her anger or the depth of her hurt. I was starting to believe she might never forgive me.
I thought back to the moment when the sergeant had offered me the special placement at camp Pendleton. When he had first suggested it, I hadn’t even been thinking of re-enlisting. But now, with my future bleak and uncertain, it didn’t seem like such a terrible idea.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lauren
I lay in bed trying not to think about the previous night. My body was still raw, my muscles were sore, and my head still spun, and yet despite all that, I felt more alive than ever. It was the kind of tiredness that made you more aware of your body.
I heard my mother walk past my room towards the kitchen and I got out of bed and walked outside in my pajamas. “Hi, Mom,” I said as I followed her into the kitchen.
“You’re up early,” she said turning to me.
“Aren’t I always?”
“Yes, but you don’t usually have such late nights,” she replied with a smile. “I take it you had a good time?”
I faltered a little and her eyebrows rose a notch. I sighed deeply and sat down at the circular table that sat in the center of the kitchen. “I had…an interesting time,” I said at last.
“This sounds like a conversation that requires some coffee,” she said, brushing her hand across my head like she used to when I was a child. “Can I pour you a mug?”
“Yes please,” I nodded. “Black.”
She got together two cups of black coffee and then joined me at the table. “All right,” she said as she slid one mug across the table towards me. “What happened? Did you see Chase?”
“Oh, I saw Chase,” I nodded.
“And?”
I groaned. “I’d forgotten how freaking good looking he is,” I sighed. “I mean seriously…it’s not fair that he should be that hot.”
Mom smiled. “Did you speak to him?”
“I…yes,” I nodded as I took a sip of coffee. It was strong and bitter, and it warmed me up inside.
“And, how did that go?”
“It went…okay, I suppose,” I replied. “I mean, I said what I had to say.”
“Which was?”
“That I wasn’t about to let him walk back into my life as and when he pleased,” I said. “I made it very clear that I wanted nothing to do with him.”
“And how did he take that?”
“Pretty well, I think…considering I slept with him,” I said through gritted teeth.
“What?” She almost choked on her coffee as she looked up at me in surprise. “You slept with him?”
I groaned again and put my head down on the table. “I know, I know,” I sighed. “That was probably not the best decision.” When I got no response from her, I raised my head to see her reaction. “Mom?”
“Yes?”
“It was a bad decision, right?”
She smiled at me and shook her head. “I don’t know, Lauren.”
“You don’t know?” I said incredulously.
“He obviously wants you back.”
“Well… yes, but—”
“Then that’s good news.”
“It is not!” I said firmly. “Just because he wants me back does not mean he gets me back. He made his decision.”
“Which he obviously regrets.”
“He didn’t do anything to correct it,” I pointed out.
“Actually, he did.”
“What?” I asked wrinkling my eyebrows at her.
