by Nella Tyler
“Here, let me get you a fresh one. There’s no telling what’s been under people’s shoes and all over that carpet.” He got up to get another napkin and Mackenzie took that opportunity to look him over.
She had already noticed he was tall and now she saw that he was well-muscled and extremely fit. Apparently, working in construction kept you in good shape, not to mention tanned. He was well-dressed in casual, but expensive clothes and there was a gold Rolex banding his wrist. I’ll bet he’s not on any dating site, she reasoned to herself.
Adam returned and handed her two napkins. “One is a spare,” he smiled. “So, tell me about Mackenzie.”
She told him a bit about where she worked and amazingly enough, his firm was one of her company’s clients. “Small world,” she mused aloud.
“Sometimes not small enough,” he said in a mysterious tone and she realized he was flirting with her. This made her feel good – far more honest and upfront than the online experiences. She felt pretty lucky at the moment and realized she had almost locked herself in the house for the day with an old movie marathon.
Thank God Tim had rescued and restored me, she thought, suddenly feeling a bit lonely for him. She knew Tim had always had a crush on her and now, for the first time, she was laughing about it inside. He had turned out to be one of the nicest, most supportive guys she had ever met and surprisingly humorous. Adam was speaking.
“I’m sorry… My mind wandered.” Mackenzie felt bad for not following his conversation.
“I was just saying that I’d like to give you a hand with any woodworking you might need to have done. I’m always home on weekends, especially when Pete isn’t there. It’s about all I have. Here,” he said, passing a white card across the table.
“My firm’s name and contact is on the front, but my personal home information is on the back. Just give me a call. If you need something transported and can’t fit it in your car, let me know and I’ll come over and get it with my truck. It’s a ’64 Chevy I restored, and I look forward to having opportunities to take it out in nice weather.”
She nodded, sensing that their chat was coming to an end. Parents were escorting their kids out of the children’s section and Peter was wandering in their direction.
“Pete!” Adam directed his voice softly, but forcefully in his son’s direction. “Over here!”
“Well, I have to go,” she said, standing. “Thank you for the coffee break, and I’ll hang on to this card.”
“Might I have your phone number?” Adam asked in return.
She thought for only a split second. “Sure. May I write on the back of one of your cards?”
He handed her one and she scribbled her name, phone, and email on the back and handed it to him. “It was very nice meeting you, Adam.”
“The pleasure was all mine,” he returned and nodded as she waved gently goodbye. She took the book to the checkout, paid for it, and left the store. All the way home, she felt restored, lighter, brighter, and had warm fuzzies once again.
It seems like there are men around every corner. I wonder why I didn’t see them before? It’s because you weren’t looking, silly… she answered her own thoughts.
Chapter Fourteen
Mackenzie dropped the grocery bags on the counter with a sigh. It had been a long time since she’d done any substantial grocery shopping and it seemed like the store covered a football field. She got the third and last load out of her car and started putting things away. It had been so long since she’d cooked a real meal, she faltered from time to time, remember where she kept certain ingredients.
She realized that she was beginning to take care of herself. Her period of mourning was over. She was looking forward with excitement to the promise of something wonderful in her future.
She put some chicken tenders into a marinade and set them in the refrigerator for an hour. In the meantime, she flipped on her computer and searched through her messages. There was one from FreeToAGoodHome.
Hi Alice,
Just wanted to make sure that we’re still on target for having a chat this evening. Eight o’clock work okay for you?
Dell
Mackenzie clicked the response button and answered.
Talk to you then!
Mackenzie began to mentally take stock of where she stood at this point. She realized she’d gone from having the newbie high of having someone talk to her, to the status where she felt more confident and even a bit skilled at having online conversations. She would have never imagined she’d find herself find herself in such a situation. It was liberating and frightening at the same time, as such power always was.
With a mindful strength that was reminiscent of addiction withdrawal, she backed away from the computer and set about preparing dinner. She put the tenders onto the grill pan and put a sweet potato in the microwave, followed by some frozen veggies.
Mackenzie reached onto the top shelf her cupboard and drew down a plate and cup from her best china. She felt like celebrating, but wanted it to be a daily occurrence. She had so many blessings, and it was time to recognize and savor these. She laid herself a place setting at the dining room table, a linen placemat beneath and her best silver beside the plate.
With one eye on the clock waiting for eight o’clock, she ate her dinner with some classical music playing from the nearby stereo. She ate slowly, savoring each bite while she considered her future and possible options.
She wasn’t ready to move. The house was instantly paid for when David died, the mortgage insurance taking care of that. The same was true for her car, so her finances were in relatively good shape for the moment. She budgeted her income well and was able to set aside roughly a thousand dollars each month. This made her feel secure, but she was careful not to relax. She knew there were many years ahead and no guarantee that she would have any income other than what she earned.
That brought her to her job. She wasn’t particularly enamored with what she did; it didn’t involve a specific skill or love. Its strongest quality was that it was a known place where she could go each day and understand exactly what was expected of her.
Plus, she had Lucy, her best friend. She would miss much of their girl time if she worked somewhere else. Mackenzie decided she would stay put there for the time being until some of the other aspects of her life settled – in particular, the prospect of a new man. That, if it happened, would have the greatest impact on her – that was unquestioned.
A new man in her life. It was the unthinkable come to likelihood. She and David had always been so comfortable together. She wondered whether she could ever feel that way about someone else. Could she see him in David’s chair? Could she sleep at his side during the night and shower with him? Could she count on his being there when she was sick or in some kind of trouble?
With David, these had always been givens. She thought it was just him, but there was the distinct possibility that there could be more than one man who would provide those securities for her. That brought her to asking herself what she could provide for him.
Could she give a dedicated love that wasn’t apportioned – none reserved for David out of a sense of obligation? Could she not compare him with every move he made or word he uttered? She had to believe she could, or she was doomed to being alone or having very unhappy relationships.
She tried to think of David’s less desirable qualities, to even the scales, so to speak. That, however, felt disloyal and almost deceitful, so she moved away from those thoughts and tried to focus on her upcoming online “date.”
It was seven-thirty when she pushed back from the table, rinsed off her dishes, and lit a candle to sit next to her at her desk. She logged on just five minutes early and was surprised when a message box popped up instantly.
FreeToAGoodHome: Hey there, princess. I’ve been waiting for you!
AliceWonderland: You’re early!
FreeToAGoodHome: I’m on Internet time.
AliceWonderland: What’s that?
Fre
eToAGoodHome: It means I’m always online.
AliceWonderland: Cute one.
FreeToAGoodHome: So, what did you do today?
AliceWonderland: I cooked.
FreeToAGoodHome: Okay. Don’t you do that every day?
AliceWonderland: Not really. I’ve been living off take-out and vending machines for two years. Today, I actually went to the grocery and bought real food. I cooked it and ate off my best china.
FreeToAGoodHome: Sounds like congratulations are in order?
AliceWonderland: Well, more like smile because I’m coming back to life.
FreeToAGoodHome: I think I missed something along the way, but I’m glad you’re better.
AliceWonderland: Thank you. So, did you have an agenda or are we just winging this?
FreeToAGoodHome: That’s pretty much how I live – “winging it.”
AliceWonderland: By choice or just how life was dealt to you?
FreeToAGoodHome: A little of both. I’m quite successful, I’m proud to say. I retired after a naval career and have a healthy pension. I have a degree in economics and own my own building business.
AliceWonderland: Interesting. Do you miss the military discipline?
FreeToAGoodHome: Sometimes. I like it when people follow rules. It makes life more productive.
Mackenzie thought about his statement and wondered if this meant that he was a controller.
AliceWonderland: Do you always follow the rules?
FreeToAGoodHome: Not a stick in the mud, if that’s what you’re thinking. More of an orderly person.
She smiled to herself. She had to admit that David had been the same way and she was used to that. She reminded herself not to compare everyone to David.
AliceWonderland: That sounds fair. Are you divorced? Widowed?
FreeToAGoodHome: Widowed. My wife passed five years ago of breast cancer.
AliceWonderland: I’m sorry. I didn’t know.
FreeToAGoodHome: No problem. No reason you should know.
AliceWonderland: These are always the awkward moments. I know them – I get them, too.
FreeToAGoodHome: My condolences.
AliceWonderland: Thank you, but let’s move forward?
FreeToAGoodHome: Deal. I would like to meet you.
Mackenzie drew in her breath. That had come unexpectedly.
FreeToAGoodHome: You’re not answering. Not interested?
AliceWonderland: Well, it just took me by surprise. I suppose that would be fine. What did you have in mind?
FreeToAGoodHome: How about dinner?
AliceWonderland: That would be nice.
FreeToAGoodHome: Are you available Friday night? Perhaps we could meet at Sam’s Joint at seven in the evening?
AliceWonderland: Okay, yes, that’s do-able. How will I know you?
FreeToAGoodHome: You have my picture.
AliceWonderland: Yes, does it look like you?
FreeToAGoodHome: I sure hope so. If not, my driver’s license is a phony.
AliceWonderland: Okay, see you on Friday.
Clicking shut the chat window, Mackenzie once again felt that little rush of excitement.
Chapter Fifteen
Mackenzie had entered a new phase of her life. Lucy, as well as the others in the office, had already begun to notice and mentioned it.
Karen the receptionist was the first to say something. “Mack, you’re looking wonderful these days. I know you redid your hair, but there has to be something new about you. You’re positively glowing.”
“Why, thank you.” She appreciated Karen’s positive comments. It went a long way toward improving her mood and self-esteem.
“Mackenzie, I don’t know what you’ve been doing to yourself, but you certainly are the better for it,” said Tom, the building custodian. He had always had a soft place for Mackenzie, having lost his wife. He understood grieving and it stages. She nodded her thanks, acknowledging that it met all the more coming from him.
“Good God, girl,” Lucy gushed at her. “I know I said I wouldn’t say anything about this, but it’s really working for you. It’s about time.” She opened her mouth to respond, but Lucy held her hand up. “No, no, I promised I wouldn’t say anything, I know. But whatever you’ve got, I wish they would bottle it.”
Mackenzie step felt lighter in her face seemed to glow when she looked in the mirror. Positive thinking was a very powerful medicine. Just like a two-sided mirror, one side would record your frown while the other always held your smile. She liked the smile side much better and resolved keep that side facing outward.
She was anticipating her date for Friday, although she wasn’t as self-assured as she had been when she met Bill. She knew less about this man, and in a way, perhaps that was better. A little mystery never hurt. It also kept her from leaping to conclusions that may be completely off base.
Mackenzie went shopping one more time at the same department store, Clorie’s. She found the same sales girl and together they picked out a new dress, since the black one had only lasted that one date. This one was a deep shade of violet, and she stopped by the makeup counter to pick up a matching eye shadow. She wanted to look her best, even if it was only for herself.
Mackenzie took stock of her life and decided that it was time to get rid of all of David’s things. Many of them were stored in the two extra bedrooms and some were in the basement. Systematically, she went through each box and sorted everything in two bags. The white bags were to be donated, and the black bags would go in the trash. It physically hurt her to put pieces of David into the trash, and at the same time, she prayed that she would never run into someone in one of his shirts on the street. That would be a sacrilege.
As if she had banished an old spirit from the house, the energy of her environment began to lift. She rearranged the furniture, added some new pillows, and subtracted some of the old ones. As she threw them away, she held them to her nose. She remembered all the evenings David had lain on the sofa, watching television with her curled up against him. She could still smell his shampoo among the pillow fibers. It made her heart ache, but with resolve, they went into the garbage bag with all the rest of the things.
She went to the kitchen cupboards, pulling out boxes of foods and various canned goods. These were all David’s favorite foods and she had kept them, as though waiting for his return so that she might have something he liked on hand. It was a soul-cleansing crusade, to say the least.
She took all of his photographs and put them into a decorative box, sliding this onto the top shelf of her closet. Finally, she dragged the bags out to her car trunk, made one stop at the dump, and a second at the Salvation Army.
That job complete, she went to a tiny café she loved and ordered herself a chicken salad and a glass of raspberry iced tea. As she sat at the table by the window, she watched the passersbys. She could remember coming there when the house it seemed to close, too dark, too filled with memories. She would sit there hoping to be among other people, to feel a part of something. And yet with all the people about her, she had still felt lonely.
Then there was the night, the first Christmas season after David’s death. There was a Christmas parade that night and even though it was bitterly cold, she wanted once again to be a part of something in celebration.
She and David had always gone to a small bed-and-breakfast in the southern part of the state and celebrated Christmas privately between the two of them. That night, she got to town early, hoping to find a bench still open where she could sit and watch. Sure enough, there was a bench, but there was nothing to block the icy wind from rushing down the street and enveloping her. She sat there, shivering and miserable and watched as people begin to gather along the parade route.
There were sweethearts and married couples of all ages. The gentleman would fetch coffee or hot cocoa and then returned to envelop his sweetheart within his embrace, sheltering them with his own coat while they sipped at their hot drinks.
It was the saddest, loneliest mome
nt in Mackenzie’s entire life. Amongst all the gaiety, the marching band, the floats, and the beauty queen, there she sat on her bench, tears freezing as they trailed down her cheeks. The moment the parade was over, she leapt up off the bench and ran back to her car. She vowed never to put herself in such a circumstance again. It was just too much to bear.
Now that she sat at the café window, she began to see people in a different light. It no longer hurt to be among them. She did not look at the men and wish that she had one for her own, at least not yet. She had this genuinely brilliant sensation that all she needed to do was go home, flip on the computer, and eventually someone would appear. He may not be Mr. Right, but he may be Mr. Tonight.
She drew in her breath in awe at what she had just thought. Was it possible that she was willing to have a one-night stand? Could she bring herself to throw away her old fashion mandate for love and marriage before sex?
Whose propriety was she protecting? She was no longer 16 years-old and being warned by her mother never to let a boy touch her. That was so far behind, and it belonged to another time. These days, as long as people used protection, she knew they were intimate and with a variety of partners on a regular basis.
While she didn’t think she could bring herself to be quite that wanton, she really did want to feel the arms of a man about her once again. If for no other reason than to know that she was desirable, she might actually consider it.
A man about her age entered the café, newspaper rolled beneath his arm. The café was busy and he looked around for an empty table, but they were all filled. Filled with a new resolve, Mackenzie motioned to him to come over.
“You’re welcomed to share my table,” she said.
“Thanks, that’s very thoughtful of you. I don’t seem to have a whole lot of choice.”
“Here, let me take your newspaper while you go get your drink,” she said, reaching for the paper. He nodded and handed it to her before turning to go to the counter.
