by Nella Tyler
“I couldn't find my cell phone; I guess I left it downstairs by the back door when I came in from the shed. I was running around, looking for Lucy's purse so I could get her phone. I'd forgotten she spent the day in bed and it was probably upstairs. I got back up there and found her purse on the floor next to her side of the bed.
“I found the phone and called 911. It seemed like it took them forever to get here. They weren't sure what they were dealing with, but they could see that she was hemorrhaging badly. They loaded her up, and I rode with her to the hospital in the back of the ambulance. She went into cardiac arrest twice before we even got there. The EMTs were working on her; they wouldn’t even let me close. I sat huddled in the back of that ambulance, and the siren was telling me that Lucy was on her way, but not to the hospital."
"Oh, Marty. I should have been here for you."
Marty shook his head. His gray eyes were hemmed by shadows from a lack of sleep and too many tears. "It wouldn't have made any difference, Mack. She went too quickly. There was nothing you or I could've done to help her." He stopped and the sob burst from his throat.
Mackenzie went to stand next to him, her arm over her shoulders and she tucked his head beneath her chin. She made soft cooing sounds, trying to calm him. Adam stood and went in search of Kleenex, but the only box he found on the floor was empty. He found the bathroom and brought a roll of toilet paper, pulling some off and handing it to Mackenzie, who then gave it to Marty.
Marty was finally able to go on. "The doctors said they believed it was something they call an ectopic pregnancy. I was pretty upset at the time, but what I gathered is that she really wasn't pregnant. Something about it growing outside her ovaries and giving all the same symptoms as pregnancy, but there was none. Whatever it was grew and finally burst. When it did, she bled to death. That's what it comes all down to. She simply ran out of blood."
He said these last words slowly and gently pushed Mackenzie away, standing and walking to the window. They could both see his shoulders shaking as he was silhouetted in the morning light. Adam looked at Mackenzie and considered for a moment how he would feel if they were the ones in this situation.
Mackenzie's face was ashen and her eyes red. She stood like a waif, her shoulders drooping and the posture of utter defeat. Adam went and put his arm around her. She sort of collapsed against him as her knees gave way. He lifted her into his arms and holding her as one would a small child, he went to the front door. "Marty, I don't know what to say. I'm so very sorry, but I have to get her home."
Marty turned from the window and nodded, a wave of his hand acknowledging their leaving.
"We’ll be in touch this afternoon." It was all Adam could think to say. He took Mackenzie out and put her into the car. She said absolutely still, almost in a catatonic state.
Adam slowly drove her home. He understood that this was bigger than losing Lucy. He understood that once again, Mackenzie had reached out for her own life, for her chance at happiness, and it slapped her directly in the face.
Chapter Twenty-One
Adam half-carried, half-walked Mackenzie into the house and laid her on the bed. She still hadn’t shed a tear. He rummaged through her kitchen cabinets until he found a half bottle of aged brandy and poured some into an orange juice glass.
“Here, drink this,” he held it to her lips. She pushed it away, but he insisted until she finally drank it.
“I don’t want you going into shock on me,” he told her, wrapping the comforter around her and then taking her into his arms.
“Lucy! Oh my God, Adam, Lucy is gone. She can’t be gone! She was my best friend, and I was so selfish. I treated her like shit, Adam!”
“Shush… now stop that. She knew you loved her, honey; she was your best friend and she knew that. She never doubted it.”
“You don’t understand, Adam. I was horrible to her. I’ve been thinking of nothing but my selfish self… I was even avoiding her. Now, when she needed me the most. She was so happy to be pregnant, so happy… And all I could do was offer to have one little baby shower, months from now! How selfish can anyone be? And now, she’s gone. I can’t ever make up for how horrible I’ve been to her.”
“Mackenzie, stop this now. She knew what was going on in your life. She loved you and knew why you were keeping your distance. This is grief talking. Everyone second guesses themselves when they lose someone. It’s normal. Calm down, honey. I can’t stand to see you like this.”
Mackenzie had lost her will to talk about it anymore. She retreated to that dark place she’d gone when David had died. She didn’t want to hear the well-meaning, empty platitudes. She wanted to go where it was dark and quiet and no one could get to her. She still didn’t cry. That well seemed empty.
Even though Adam continued to try to comfort her, Mackenzie withdrew, huddling in the comforter at the edge of the bed. She stared downward, as if her eyes were seeing inward. Adam became very concerned. She refused to talk; her actions were mechanical. He decided to let her have some time, but refused to leave her. He called into his office and cleared his schedule for the remainder of the week.
As Mackenzie vegetated, he explored the kitchen. He found her refrigerator and cupboards were well-stocked and set about making a pot of vegetable soup. He had memorized his mother’s recipe and remembered her always said that soup would take care of anything. He hoped that was true now.
Mackenzie resisted eating. He spoon fed her, one arm wrapped around her shoulders and the other holding a spoon of soup to her lips. She took an occasional sip, as if she understood she had to eat, but hated every moment of it. He found her phone and called Marty from the other room where he couldn’t be overheard.
“Marty, this is Adam, Mackenzie’s friend.”
“Yes, Adam, I remember. How is Mackenzie doing?”
“She’s not taking this well, Marty. I can’t seem to shake her out of it. She just sits and stares downward, barely eating. I’m going to have to stay here with her until I see that she’s capable of taking care of herself, or I might end up taking her for professional help.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Adam. I would come and see her, but I have my hands full at the moment, as you understand.”
“Of course, I understand. I wasn’t calling for that. I just wanted to give you a heads up on our situation here. I know Lucy’s service will be soon, and I’m not entirely sure that Mackenzie will be able to come. She’s gone inward. I think she’s had too much in too short of a time.
“I’m going to text you my email address and of course, now you have my private cell number. I would very much appreciate it if you would let me know when Lucy’s service will be held. If we don’t make it, Marty, know that it’s because Mackenzie has gone somewhere else in her mind.
“She’s feeling guilt. I think she didn’t maintain her friendship with Lucy as well as she wished she had. I know that Lucy was trying to help her with all her dating, and Mackenzie was beginning to find her own wings. As a result, she discouraged Lucy and her advice. Now she feels as though she’s somehow responsible for what happened.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Marty said vehemently. “Lucy loved Mackenzie. They were as close as sisters. She understood what Mackenzie was going through and why her behavior might be changing. She said to me just the other day that she knew Mackenzie had found some new adventures and was trying on a different mindset.
“She said she hoped Mackenzie would be careful. In fact, I think they worked out a deal that if Mackenzie dated someone, she would put the contact information on the desktop of her computer and if she didn’t check in, Lucy was determined to find out what had happened and would come over. So, you see, Mackenzie has nothing to feel guilty about. You tell her I said that, will you?”
“Of course, I will.”
“And, Adam, one more thing. I’m glad you are in her life. She needed a stable person. She was walking too close to the edge, and it was becoming dangerous. You seem like a decent guy, and I hope the t
wo of you stay together, if that’s what you want,” Marty said in a very kind voice.
“It is what I want, but Mackenzie is a little lost right now. If we don’t see you, we will stay in touch.” With that, Adam clicked off the phone and went to stand before the window. He was trying to come up with a plan to help Mackenzie. He had never dealt with anything like this before.
He knew Mackenzie was asleep and while he was worn out himself, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep until he had come up with a plan. His eyes went to her computer and he went over and turned it on and logged in. He opened her browser and went to Google.
There were bookmarks in the left-hand column of the browser window. The top one was the dating site that Mackenzie had frequented. Although it was a true invasion of her privacy, Adam could not keep himself from clicking on it. He had never been to a dating site before. It popped up and automatically logged him in. Evidently, she had stored her password.
Her message box was full of notes, probably over a hundred of them. While he didn’t read any of them, that was just too much for his sense of integrity to overcome, he did want to prowl around the site a bit and try to understand Mackenzie’s mindset when she had come here. He heard a ding and a message box popped up.
HarryM: I’m here, pretty lady. My third eye tells me that you are in trouble. You know that I’m here for you, just as I’ve always been.
Adam sat, staring at the screen and trying to convince himself that he should not respond. He was definitely invading Mackenzie’s privacy. He was taking advantage of the fact that she had collapsed and was prying into her very private world.
He pursed his lips, debating whether there might be anything this Harry person could contribute to help her. It was placing himself on the edge of the precipice. If he made that move, she could push them over and it would mean the end of everything that he had come to hold dear. On the other hand, if he did nothing, he might miss the very kernel of her unhappiness.
He guessed that she was eventually going to need some professional help. If he understood more about how she thought, perhaps they could help her sooner rather than later. His finger hovered over the reply button, but he stopped.
He knew that if he responded, he could not do that in the personality of Mackenzie. It would be too blatantly apparent. He knew that he would have to fess up and explain who he was and what he was doing on her account. He had no idea whether this Harry was a date or just a friend. Either way, Harry might decide to disappear. If that happened, Mackenzie would lose not just Lucy, but this man, who seem to be a friend, as well.
She would blame Adam and then she would be all alone. That price was too high. He quickly logged off the account, cleared her browser history for the day, and went back to Google.
He spent the next hour and a half reading articles on grieving. He already had a fundamental understanding of its precepts – the different stages of grieving and when it seemed prudent to look for outside help. By the time he shut down the computer, he had decided that she did, indeed, need some professional help.
This was going to be a very difficult situation. He was not married to Mackenzie, he had no medical power of attorney, and no way to reach out on her behalf. He would have to convince her to agree to getting help, although he could help her find the proper individual. This at least gave him a sense of the beginning of a plan and he went through the house locking doors and turning off lights.
Back in the bedroom, Mackenzie did not budge. He took a quilt she had hanging on the stand, stripped down to his underwear, and wrapped himself in it. He lay down next to her, his arm over the top of her, hugging her against himself. He fell asleep this way, convinced that should she move, it would awaken him and he could keep an eye on her.
* * *
He awakened the next morning, disoriented and feeling strangely tired. It took a few moments for the memories to flood back and he felt Mackenzie’s weight beneath his arm. She had, at some point in the night, rolled over against him. He bent and lightly kissed her forehead, before heading to the bathroom. He showered quickly and put his clothes on. They were rumpled and he wished he had something clean, but there was no opportunity for that now.
Mackenzie began to stir in the bed, and as he watched, she, too, was disoriented. He could see on her face the exact moment when the memory of Lucy’s death hit her once again. She rolled from the bed, ignoring him. Padding toward the bathroom, she went in and used it, not even shutting the door. He realized then that she wasn’t even aware of his presence.
Gingerly stepping back toward the bed, she fell upon it, pulling the comforter around her. He immediately went to her side and said softly, “Mackenzie, it’s Adam. Please, talk to me.”
Mackenzie started, and now it was obvious she hadn’t known he was there. He realized that she was running on autopilot, the memory of Lucy’s death holding her beneath the surface, slowly suffocating her much the same way as someone would drown. He wanted to keep her from going there again.
“Mackenzie, listen, sweetheart. I’m here. It’s okay. I won’t leave you.”
“Go away,” she said in a voice so soft it was barely discernible. He couldn’t believe his ears.
“I know you want to sleep. I know you want to be anywhere but here and now. I can’t let that happen, Mackenzie. I love you too much to let you hurt like this.”
“I said, go away.”
Adam stiffened. He had a choice to make. Was Mackenzie asking him to leave so that she could sleep in peace? Or, had she gone to that deeper place? In her self-assigned guilt, did she see that her relationship with him had taken too much time away from being with Lucy?
He knew it was too early to discuss this with her. Now, he was faced with the decision of staying, or leaving her. If he stayed, he could watch over her, but she may find it intrusive and become more and more angry with him, perhaps even finding a way to transfer the guilt she felt against him. She could come to hate him.
On the other hand, if he did as she requested, there was a chance she could self-harm, even if it meant just not eating. He was torn. He let her lay there, leaving the room and going into the living room.
He found a skillet and melted butter into it, all the while comparing the butter to his own life. Before Lucy died, his and Mackenzie’s life together was bright, filled with warmth and the potential for a life filled with happiness. And now, as he watched the pat of butter become a pool, he saw that life had suddenly changed for him, once again. Would their happiness melt away in the same way?
Adam carried two plates of scrambled eggs into the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning over Mackenzie. “Sweetheart, you haven’t eaten. I’ve made us some scrambled eggs. Please, just sit up and take a few bites.”
“Go away,” she said once again.
It was like a dagger in his heart. He felt so helpless; there was nothing he could do. She had dug in for the duration, it seemed. Having no other option, he set her plate of eggs on her nightstand and whispered to her, “Sweetheart, I’ll leave the eggs here. I’ll lay in the other room.”
“I said, go away. Leave me alone.”
He tried desperately not to take her words personally. He knew that she loved him, but perhaps she had loved Lucy more. He was the appointed target for all the guilt and unhappiness she was now encountering. He closed the door softly behind himself as he went back into the living room and sat on the chair by the window, slowly eating his eggs and looking out into the morning sunlight. He was totally at a loss of what to do. Finishing his breakfast, he returned to the computer, this time with resolve.
He turned it on and logged in. If Mackenzie hated him for this, so be it. He would rather that she hate him than to stay in the well of despair where she had now placed herself. He owed it to her to take a chance.
He logged in to the dating site and waited. Sure enough, it was only a matter of moments before the message box from the mysterious Harry popped up
HarryM: Good morning, pretty la
dy. How are you feeling today?
AliceWonderland: I’m going to guess that your first name is Harry, and I hope you will stick around and talk to me a few moments. This is not Mackenzie. My name is Adam. Mackenzie and I have been dating for some time and have grown very close. She is in trouble, and I’m reaching out to anyone who might know her to help.
HarryM: Hello, Adam. Yes, I know a little about you. Not really so much about you, per se, but that you do exist. She has mentioned you.
AliceWonderland: Thank you, Harry. I know this is a very awkward situation, but I am a loss as to what to do. If Mackenzie mentioned me, she may have also mentioned her best friend Lucy.
HarryM: Yes, I know of Lucy.
AliceWonderland: Then you will know how close they were. I’m very sad to say that Lucy has passed away. It was complication from her pregnancy. Mackenzie and I had been away for the weekend, and she didn’t learn of this until she returned to work on Monday. We drove to Lucy’s house and spoke to her husband. Mackenzie has targeted herself to feel guilty. Apparently, she and Lucy had grown apart. Mackenzie was spending more time with me and I believe dating some other gentlemen before myself. Lucy, wanting to be the best friend, had offered advice, but Mackenzie found this intrusive. She was finding a new life for herself and wanted to do it on her own. Now, she has convinced herself that she was not there for Lucy when she was needed most. I don’t think she has gone so far as to feel that she’s responsible for Lucy’s death, as that would be ridiculous. But, she does feel that she abandoned Lucy at a time when Lucy really needed her friend.
HarryM: This pains me to hear this. Of course, Mackenzie had nothing to do with what happened to Lucy and I’m sure Lucy knew why Mackenzie had drawn away. Just so you know, I have been Mackenzie’s friend. There is nothing romantic between us, although I will admit that it was not by my choice. Mackenzie was going through some new and often dangerous waters, and I felt I could be a better friend to her than anything else. She wasn’t ready to settle down yet, and I knew if I tried to get closer, she would go away.
