by Nella Tyler
AliceWonderland: What do you mean? Self-induced?
HarryM: Look… You’re not going to like when I’m about to say, but this isn’t about you, Mackenzie. Lucy is gone now. I believe you said she had a husband, so he is left behind. Think back to the time when you lost David. That was an intensely personal loss. How would you have felt if someone, for example a golfing buddy of his, when into a black hole over the whole thing, as though it affected only him? Wouldn’t you have felt a bit indignant?
AliceWonderland: I never thought of it like that. I see your point.
HarryM: To be even blunter, Mackenzie, you’re seeing Lucy’s death as an extension of David’s. You’re trying to reason why this is all happening to you. In truth, none of it happened to you. You are alive. Be there for Lucy’s husband as there were undoubtedly people there for you when you lost David. It may have even been Lucy.
AliceWonderland: You’re right, it was Lucy. She slept at my house for a week when it first happened. She was the only one I let get close to me. Everyone else felt like a gawker. Lucy actually left her new husband alone in his bed to stay here with me. I will never forget that. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I felt as though I owed her to be distraught and self-absorbed, to go to that dark place. Maybe I was using my grief for her as an excuse to go back to grieving myself.
HarryM: A very astute observation, my dear. So, how is this going to affect your relationships with others?
AliceWonderland: I’m guessing you’re referring to the men I’ve been dating, most particularly Adam? No matter what the reason is for the way I’ve taken Lucy’s death, I still feel as though I haven’t been true to myself. One by one, I let my morals be stolen from me. Adam is a good man, a very decent individual. He deserves someone who is worthy of that. I don’t think I am. You know the trouble I got myself into and now, when he tried to help me, I turned away from him and crawled into my hole. He deserves better than that.
HarryM: Does he love you?
AliceWonderland: I know he does; he’s told me so.
HarryM: And, do you love him?
AliceWonderland: To tell you the truth, I thought I did. In fact, I told him I did. Now, I’m not so sure. I think if I truly loved him, I would not have treated in this way. He didn’t earn it. He was right there for me. I treated him the same way I treated Lucy, pushing him away. It’s just not fair to him.
HarryM: So, what are you trying to say?
AliceWonderland: I think what I’ve decided to do is to back off from any and all relationships for a while. I’ve been using men like steppingstones to find my own happiness. I need to take the time to find my happiness within myself first. The tree trunk has to be strong before it can support the limbs and leaves that need to feed upon its roots.
HarryM: So, you’re going to dump this Adam?
AliceWonderland: Well, I don’t want to refer to it just like that, but let’s just say I’m going to have a talk with him and take a hiatus on the relationship.
HarryM: I’m wondering what he has to say about that. Anything?
AliceWonderland: I’m fairly sure he’s going to argue with me. I think he is fairly attached to me, maybe even to the point where he sees me in his future. He has a son, you know. I think he’d like to have a new wife so that he feels like his son has a second family in him.
HarryM: Well, that’s up to you, kiddo. Personally, when I have happiness in my life, I’m not in too big of a hurry to throw it out the window. Has it occurred to you that you might be doing the same thing you’re trying not to do? You think that if you break off the relationship, you will have avoided the danger of abusing his affection for you. Did you consider, though, that he’s going to feel far more abused if you shove that affection back into his face? From what you say, it sounds as if he’s already pretty committed to you. Am I wrong?
AliceWonderland: I really don’t know, Harry. I can’t be responsible for everyone and how they feel. I know that I have to do the right thing for me, and right now that means removing myself from emotional commitments and becoming stronger within my own head and heart. I can’t to rely on others to keep me happy. I thought I could – in fact, I thought that’s what it meant. I realize now I had no idea what I was talking about.
HarryM: And, where does that leave me?
AliceWonderland: One of the great things about you and I, Harry, is we never went to that next level. So, you’re not going to get caught in the fallout on this. You’re not in love with me; you don’t even really know me. You are in that neutral zone. So, we’ll continue to talk, just as we always do.
HarryM: Got it. I guess I’m sort of glad that you’re not in love with me right now.
AliceWonderland: It’s an irony, isn’t it?
HarryM: Indeed, it is.
Mackenzie was surprised to see the light next to Harry’s name dim. That meant he had logged off the site. Was that an indication that he disagreed with her? Did she make him angry or did he think she was doing the wrong thing? She couldn’t worry about that right now. She had to deal with Adam first and she had to be there for Marty. The funeral service would be in the morning. Maybe she should talk to Adam yet tonight.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Adam had retired early, completely worn out from the deep emotional strain of the previous few days. Even so, he lay on his bed, restless and rolling around, trying to find a comfortable position. The television was on low in the background and although he didn’t watch it, he liked the sound. It kept him company.
There was a message chime on his phone, and he quickly reached to grab it. His heart leapt when he saw Mackenzie’s name.
Mackenzie: Are you still up?
Adam: Of course. I’m always here for you, you know that.
Mackenzie: I really need to talk to you, and I think it needs to be tonight.
Adam: I’m on my way.
He waited a moment for her to argue with him – something she had a habit of doing. Nothing more was said, so with a renewed enthusiasm, he rolled from the bed and began to dress. On second thought, he packed his shaving kit and change of clothes into an overnight bag. He could store this in his trunk, just in case.
He drove carefully toward Mackenzie’s house, aware that he was overly tired and perhaps not at his highest mental acuity. When he got there, he wasted no time going up to the door. To his surprise, the door was standing open just half an inch and the light in the entryway was on. It was obvious she was waiting for him.
“Mackenzie…” he called out into the room.
“I’m right here. Come in, Adam,” she called to him and he could hear her voice was just inside the door, although she didn’t rise to meet him. He tried to put away the fleeting thought that there was something wrong, but his senses were screaming.
He walked into the room, closing the door firmly behind himself. She was sitting on the sofa, a cup of tea in her hand. She was still in full makeup and dressed. It was apparent that she had not yet gone to bed.
“I’m glad you came. First of all, I want to thank you for how you looked after me the last few days. I think you know where my head has been and I think you know why.” She nodded toward a side chair. “Why don’t you have seat. I need to talk with you.”
Adam was wary as he took the seat she had indicated. He tried to relax, leaning back and crossing his legs, but he was full of tension and it felt more comfortable to lean forward slightly, his elbows on his knees and his forearms crossed.
“What’s up? I’m really glad to see you’re out of the bed. Did you find the food I left for you?”
She nodded. “That was terribly sweet of you, Adam. In fact, everything you do for me is terribly sweet.” She sipped her tea and set it down on the coffee table, turning sideways on the sofa and bringing one leg up beneath her. He was familiar with the seating position, and knew that it meant she had the need for some conversation.
“Go ahead, sweetheart. Tell me what you need say,” he offered.
“After you left, I
got up and showered. I apologize for what I put you through. I certainly wasn’t very good company. I have this friend online,” she began tentatively. “I may have mentioned his name to you once or twice. I’ve never dated him; in fact, I’ve never even met him. His name is Harry, and to tell you the truth, I don’t even know his last name. That said, he’s gotten me through a lot of lonely nights, and we’ve become good friends.
“I suppose it seems strange to call someone in the virtual world a friend, but when I talk to him, it’s as if he really does know me.
“Well, anyway, Harry knew about Lucy, at least the part that she and I were good friends. I wanted to tell him about her death,” she went on. She stopped for a moment to let her throat relax as she had become quite choked up.
“Well, the point of this is that Harry was online, as he usually is. I told him about Lucy. Harry’s the sort of person who doesn’t mince words. He tells me like he sees it, and I have to admit I sort of like that. Maybe it’s because I can click him shut, so to speak, and yet I don’t.
Anyway, he seems to think, and I agree, that I have chosen to make Lucy’s death all about me. You see, Adam, when a woman loses her husband, she is alone, especially when they had no children. I had lost both my parents not long before David died. So I had gone from having our cozy little family of four to being just me, alone.
“Lucy became my friend, the sister I never had. She lavished all sorts of attention on me and I felt as though maybe I still had one family member left. I soaked up that attention, Adam. I won’t apologize for it except to say that I’m sorry if that was the motivation behind our friendship. I held her more than that.”
She reached for her mug of tea, which had grown coolish and therefore was no longer as comforting. She went on, “Harry accused me of being selfish. He pointed out that Marty was suffering terribly. He had lost his wife, which while there is no equity in these things, their relationship, especially the fact that they were planning on a new baby, outranks girlfriends.
“Harry said I was sponging up the sorrow surrounding Lucy’s death and holding it to myself, perhaps even clinging to it, enjoying in an odd way, the attention it brought. I thought about his words, and I’m ashamed to say I had to agree.”
“You’re being awfully hard on yourself, you know,” Adam interrupted.
Mackenzie held up her hand to quiet him. “Hear me out, please. Adam, you are a very fine man. You know my feelings toward you. But all of that said, I am still a broken woman. While I haven’t shared all the details, once I started this online dating, many of the morals that made up who I am went right out the window.
“Oh, I won’t say that I turned into a harlot, but I did let caution go with the wind, or perhaps I should say with my whim. I had some close calls, meeting men who weren’t at all suitable for me. They were simply bad men who found online dating sites a convenient place to scout out their new victims.
“I think that’s what appealed to me about you. You and I began by meeting face-to-face, and there was an instant rapport between us. I didn’t have to pretend I was something or someone who I wasn’t. You could see right through me.
“You’ve got Pete. He’s not only your responsibility, but right now, I’d venture to say is your best friend in the world. He deserves your attention; he deserves to have the full you in his life.
“On the other hand, when all of this happened with Lucy, I lost the very best part of my character. I immediately chose to go deep within myself, looking for that comfort that comes from being pitied. That’s a pretty sick thing to do. It wasn’t fair to you; it wasn’t even fair to Lucy. Marty is her husband. It is his right to grieve and it is his right to get the comforting. It was my job to give it to him.” She paused for a moment and took a deep breath before continuing.
“So, where I’m going with all this, Adam, is that I need to take a break. I need to find myself again. I need to find the Mackenzie inside who wasn’t David’s wife, wasn’t his widow, and wasn’t using this obscure Internet dating as a patch to her emotional need for attention.
“It may be I walked a ragged edge, and I came close to falling off. You were the only sane thing in all that. It’s not fair for me to hold on to you, when I cannot give you the emotional return that you lavished on me. It’s not that I don’t love you, far from the fact. It’s that I don’t let myself.”
“Mackenzie, stop this. There’s no need for you to explain or to apologize. There certainly is no need for you to ‘take a break.’ I know you’re upset – anyone would be in your position. I’ll give you as much space as you need, but I’m not going to let you get away from me entirely. You know that I love you. You know that I want you in my life. I’m content to wait for that, if that’s what it takes.”
“No, Adam, it’s just not fair. I don’t know how deep this goes. I might feel differently two days from now, and it may take me years to find myself again. You have to remember that I don’t remember who I was before David. His personality was strong and I borrowed it from him, if you will, because it seemed the better of the two. The only problem is, I was left with nothing when he died. I think that’s why it has been so hard for me. I didn’t have myself to fall back upon. I know this makes no sense to you, and there’s no reason it should. I don’t know that would even make sense to someone else who wasn’t widowed, but there you have it. No, Adam, I want you to move forward. I want you to find other women to date and to consider a future with them. It may be my destiny that I’m alone for the rest of my life, and I have to be comfortable with that fact. To be anything else is opening the door to misery and disappointment, and not just for myself.
“So, come here and kiss me goodbye. I’m going to Lucy’s service tomorrow, and when I come back, I’m going to consider my next move.
“I don’t think I can work at the same company where I’ve been; it would be just too hard to see Lucy’s desk empty, or worse yet to see someone else there. It may be that I look for a new job. It may even be that I sell this house and move somewhere else.
“But I can’t string you along. Not only is that not fair to you, it would be counterproductive for me. I can’t truly grow to rely on myself if I think I’ve got you out there as an emergency backup.”
“But, Mackenzie, sweetheart, you do. I can keep my distance. I won’t call you, I won’t text you, I won’t even drive by your house. Just don’t write me off entirely. You know as well as I do that we’re right for each other. Don’t let that go away. Take all the time you need to find yourself, but for God sakes, Mackenzie, don’t throw this away.”
“Adam, I knew this would hurt, not just you, but me. That’s why I had to do it tonight, on the eve of Lucy’s funeral. I have to get all this hurt out of the way. I have to get beyond this. Please, Adam, please understand where this is coming from. I need this.”
He fell back in his chair, his breath exploding in frustration and upset. He shook his head slowly, as though he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Finally, there was nothing left to say that would change her mind, and he accepted that. “I think you’re making a huge mistake,” he said.
“Funny, but Harry said the same thing. It’s almost as if he knows you and has a very high opinion of you,” she murmured.
Adam felt the guilt of his computer invasion resting heavily on his shoulders. Perhaps that was his payment for having invaded her privacy.
“Okay, I guess if there’s nothing left to be said, I’ll leave you alone now. But, sweetheart, even though you’re trying to drive me away, I’m here to tell you that I’m not giving up. I might try to put you out of my mind, hell, I might even date a few women. But you know the chemistry you and I have together. That doesn’t happen often. I’m not willing to let that go.”
He stood up wearily and went to where she sat on the sofa. He didn’t sit down, but leaned over and wrapped his arms around her. He bent his head toward her ear and whispered, “I love you, Mackenzie Harper. I will always love you. I will always be here. When you
’re ready, you know where to find me.”
He kissed her cheek, gave her brief, but hearty hug, and then he left. Mackenzie heard the door click behind him and then the sound of his car as he backed down the drive. Leaving was a very lonely sound, indeed.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Mackenzie slept poorly that night. Not only were her thoughts a tumult of emotion and guilt, but today she would be burying her best friend, just as last night she had buried her other. She tried to convince herself that this was not some sort of big martyrdom display. She wanted to believe that she was not being overly dramatic. Because if that were true, she would be extending the very reason that had convinced her to break up with Adam.
She forced herself to think of other things. She got into her closet and extracted the black suit she had worn to David’s funeral. Slowly, she applied very limited makeup and tied her hair back from her face. She looked at herself in the mirror and saw a woman dealing with great sorrow. You’re just feeling sorry for yourself, Mackenzie. Snap out of it!
Lucy’s funeral was held in a park. Mackenzie realized what a unique and wonderful gesture that was by Marty. Lucy would have loved that.
Marty sat alone in the first row of seats. It seemed neither one of them had family, at least anyone who cared to come. The service was conducted by a lay minister, someone who really didn’t represent an organized church, but who spoke of Lucy and the light she gave to everyone’s world. It was based on her love of the gentler things, of nature and of tiny babies, of the friends she made and how she contributed to their lives. It was as if the man knew Lucy personally, and for all Mackenzie knew, perhaps he did.
When the service was complete, Mackenzie went up to Marty and hugged him. “You know I’m here for you, you only have to ask,” she told him quietly and then turned and left the service. She had no idea whether there was a wake planned, but a wake seemed to her to be a celebration and she wasn’t in the mood for that.
