by Alex Grayson
“Shit, Judge, I don’t like this. I wish you’d let me send Emo.”
“I’ll be fine. Call me with any updates.”
“How’s Maisy?”
“She’s fine. She had some tests done today and they came back with great results. She should be able to come home in a few days. Once she’s settled here, I’ll be coming back to Malus.”
“You sure you’re going to be able to leave her?”
That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Will I be able to leave Maisy to go back home? Do I really have a choice? Too many people depend on me in Malus. It’s my home. It’s the only place that’s felt like home. Besides, she and Ellie will be joining me soon, so I’ll only be leaving her temporarily.
“Yes,” I answer. “It doesn’t matter anyway. She’ll be there soon enough.”
“All right. Let me know when you’re headed back here. And keep me apprised of the situation with the janitor. I’ll email over the information I have on him.”
After I hang up, I toss my phone on the bed and slink down further on the mattress, fatigue weighing my body down like a ton of bricks. My mind drifts to the janitor who’s hurting innocent and helpless children. Children who more than likely can’t even ask for help.
Taking that bastard out is what I need. I’ve been strung tight since I found out what happened to Ellie. The rage I feel won’t burn out until the two in prison are taken care of and I get my hands on the remaining one, but maybe this will help contain the fire for the time being.
Chapter Eleven
ELLIE
TODAY IS THE DAY. Maisy gets to come home after twelve days in the hospital, and Lord willing, start her road to recovery. So far, her ACR and GFR test results have come back great. There’s been no signs of her body rejecting her new kidney. I know Maisy’s been in pain from her surgery, but her demeanor has changed greatly. She almost seems like a new girl. She smiles more, laughs more, the color on her face has gone from pale to rosy, she moves easier, and her spirit has rejuvenated. Even though she’s been confined to the bed, she has more energy. She’s already talking about visiting her friends. It’ll be a while before she can do all that though. I want to make sure she has no setbacks first.
I mentioned to her a few days ago about visiting Judge in Malus for the summer, which is only a few weeks away. I assumed she would be firmly against it, not wanting to leave her friends behind, but she surprised me by twisting her lips to the side—something she does when she thinks hard about something—and saying she liked the idea. I haven’t told her yet that it would be permanent. I haven’t even made the decision myself on whether we’ll be staying. I’m leaving it up to how things go. If Maisy seems happy in Malus and if the town accepts her and me both, I’ll make my decision then. I’m not taking Judge’s threat lightly, but I won’t let him force Maisy into a situation she’s not comfortable with. I may have to sell my soul to the devil to fight him in court, but if that’s what it takes, then so be it.
I turn in my seat and glance back at Maisy. She has her head resting against the glass, her mouth partially open as she lightly snores. She was out before we left the hospital parking lot, exhausted from the excitement of going home mixed with the pain medication she’s still taking.
“She looks like you when she sleeps,” Judge says quietly from the driver seat.
When I look at him, he’s flicking his eyes back and forth between the rearview mirror and the windshield. I had originally planned to have Declan pick Maisy and me up, but Judge insisted he do it. He’s visited Maisy every day since he was released. He’s getting around a lot easier than I would have thought. If I didn’t know any better, I would have never guessed he recently had his stomach cut open and an organ removed.
“Before she became sick, she was known to sleepwalk. She didn’t do it often, only once every few months.”
“I used to sleepwalk when I was about her age,” he remarks as he pulls the car to a stop at a red light.
“I’ve caught her in the kitchen pulling out the silverware drawer and turning around to pull down her pajama bottoms. She thought it was the toilet.” He barks out a laugh, his head spinning toward me. I laugh with him at the memory. “She likes to play with her doorknob too. She’ll stand there and twist it back and forth with a confused look on her face, like she’s unsure why it isn’t working. There was one time when I was in the kitchen pulling something from the oven. I didn’t realize she was sleepwalking. I told her to go back to bed and I’d be there to tuck her back in. A minute later, I was passing the bathroom when I heard the shower. I walked in and asked her what she was doing. She was just as surprised as me that she was in the shower.”
The light turns green and he pulls away. “That could have been dangerous.” There’s a note of concern in his tone as he side-eyes me.
I nod. “I’ve spoken with her pediatrician about it. He told me to not startle her and to carefully lead her back to the bedroom. Thankfully, she’s never gone for the front door. Most of the time she comes straight for me. She hasn’t sleepwalked since she became sick.”
We turn down the street that leads home. “Her body was overworked from fighting the disease. I’m sure her brain was just as tired.”
He pulls the car to a stop in the driveway, but I make no move to get out. I stare out the front window. “I never thought I’d want those moments again. I mean, there were times I couldn’t hold back my laugh because the situation was just funny, but I knew they could have all ended with her hurt or in danger.”
Warmth spreads up my arm when his hand grabs mine from my lap and brings it to the console between us. “It’s okay to want those things again, Ellie. It just means you want life back the way it was before. Wouldn’t you take her falling from her bike and scraping her knee over her withering away because her kidneys gave out on her?”
Tears appear in my eyes, and I blink rapidly to stop them from falling. “Yes.”
“Things are going to change. She’ll get better and be whole again.”
Since the doctor came into the room yesterday with the news of her recent test results, I feel like I’ve been on cloud nine. The elation I’ve felt since then has been more than I’ve felt in months. Seeing her deteriorate day after day was my living nightmare, but it wasn’t my pain that made it almost unbearable, it was what I knew Maisy was going through. Everyone she loved could comfort her and be there for her and offer support, but none of us knew firsthand what she was going through. We didn’t know the pain she endured or the mental turmoil or the ache from watching life pass her by, not knowing how much longer that life would tether her to the earth. In a way, she was alone. Declan and I couldn’t fully comprehend what she was going through because we had never been through the same.
Hearing Dr. Snyder say her body was healing and her numbers were getting better lifted a huge weight from my chest. Not because it meant my pain of watching Maisy’s body slowly die would diminish—although it certainly would—but because Maisy’s pain would weaken and disappear. I would take a thousand years of any kind of pain if it meant Maisy didn’t hurt anymore.
I hold on to Judge’s words as I get out of the car. Before I can move to Maisy’s side to wake her up, Judge is pulling her door open and unbuckling her seat belt. I almost lose my shit when he reaches in and effortlessly lifts her sleeping form in his arms.
“Judge,” I warn, rounding the car, prepared to take her from his arms. Due to her illness and weight loss, Maisy’s not the average weight for an eleven-year-old, but she still weighs more than Judge should be carrying.
“Get the door,” he grunts, stalking past me.
“Let me carry her,” I say loudly, trying to catch up with his long strides. “She weighs too much for you to be carrying.”
“I heal fast. Almost good as new.” He stops at the door and lifts a brow. “You gonna get the door or do I need to finagle it open myself?”
“Stubborn man,” I mumble as I open th
e door and let him pass me.
“Irritating woman,” he says lightly.
With a scowl pointed in his direction, I briskly walk down the hallway toward Maisy’s bedroom. Declan comes out of his office. When he sees Judge behind me, he starts to walk over to take Maisy from his arms. He only gets two feet before Judge gives him a dirty look and he holds his hands up, taking a step back so Judge can pass him.
Opening Maisy’s bedroom door, I rush over to the bed and pull down her covers. Judge carefully lays her down, making sure her head meets the pillow. I stand to the side as he pulls the covers up to her chin.
“Daddy?” Maisy’s drowsy voice reaches my ears. My heart lodges in my throat. This is the first time Maisy’s called Judge daddy.
He stiffens as he stays hunched over Maisy. I can’t see his face, but I know it holds shock and probably a hint of awe.
“I’m right here, Mase,” he answers in a low voice. “Get some rest.”
“M’kay,” she mumbles sleepily.
Leaning down further, he presses a kiss to her forehead before standing back up. He avoids my gaze when he turns around and leaves the room. Maisy is already back to sleep when I lay my own kiss across her forehead in the same spot Judge just kissed. I smell his lingering scent and it reminds me of happier times.
With one more look at a sleeping Maisy, I turn and leave the room. She’ll probably sleep for a couple of hours. I want to have dinner ready when she wakes.
Walking out into the living room, I find Judge sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees and one fist wrapped around the other while his chin rests on both, staring out across the room. I’m not used to seeing Judge perplexed. He’s always been the strong and silent type, assured of everything around him. Exuding power even in the most dire of situations. Maisy’s mumbled word affected him immensely.
“Until you came along and after it ended between us, I never wanted children,” he says in the quiet room, his voice reflective. I stop at the end of the couch. “I wanted the Beckett bloodline to die with me. For generations, our blood has caused so much torment and pain. I wanted that chain broken, forever destroyed.”
I sit on the edge of the couch, keeping a few inches between us. “Judge, you already broke that chain. Your blood isn’t evil. It was the people. What your parents did, what all the adults did to all the children in Sweet Haven, wasn’t something that’s passed down through blood. It’s learned.”
Lifting his head from his fists, he looks at me. The cords in his throat flex. “I know. For the first fourteen years of my life, I had no control over what happened to me. I swore to myself when we left Sweet Haven that I would never let anyone control me again. I like control, Ellie. I need it. Killing off my bloodline gives me that. Knowing that the last link to that horrible place will no longer exist after I’m gone brought me peace.”
Something twists in my stomach. I understand Judge’s meaning. I get that he wants all connections to a place that caused him unbearable pain severed. But that means….
“You regret Maisy?” I ask, choking on the words. “You wish she was never born? Even after getting—”
His hand slices through the air, silencing me. I almost shrink back at the savage look on his face.
“No,” he growls. “For fuck’s sake, Ellie. Not for one fuckin’ second do I regret her.” He jumps up from the couch and angrily swipes his hand through his hair, then grips the back of his neck before spinning to face me. “The only thing I regret is not being there for every second of her life.”
My back stiffens as I hold his incensed stare with one of my own. “From what you’re saying, it sounds like you do.”
He blows out a harsh breath and mutters a curse. “From the moment I saw her and knew she was mine, I wanted her. When you and I met all those years ago, for the first time in my life, I could see myself being a father and husband. I didn’t want to see it because I knew things could never last between us, but those visions wouldn’t leave me. They dug in deep to the bone. When I ended things, I had to force those mental images away and it damn near killed me, but I did it because it was the right thing to do. Meeting Maisy, getting to know her, and hearing her call me daddy tonight…. I never thought I’d have that, and I don’t know what to do with it.”
I get up from the couch and go to him. He watches me with intense green eyes. The same eyes Maisy has. I don’t stop until I’m right in front of him. “What do you want to do with it?” I keep my voice low.
“Grab onto it and never let it go,” he answers with a gravelly tone.
It’s a gamble, one that could backfire, but seeing the desperation on his face has me saying the words anyway. “Then don’t. Don’t ever let it go. Keep her. Savor and cherish her.”
He closes the remaining space between us. I’m forced to tip my head back to look at him. “You know what it means if I do that, don’t you?”
I swallow and inhale a shaky breath. If he keeps her, then he’s keeping me, because he knows Maisy and I come hand in hand. Where one goes, the other follows. From the look in his eyes, it’s more than that though.
“What?” I ask softly.
His minty breath fans across my face when he answers. “I keep you too. And not just as her mother.” Lifting his hand, he tangles it in the hair at my nape. Tightening his fingers, he pulls the strands until my head is tilted back even more. “You and I both know we could never just be civil parents. We have too much history. There’s too much left unresolved between us.”
My breath hitches and liquid heat pools between my thighs. I plant my hands against his chest to push him back, but instead, my nails dig into the firm muscles.
What he’s saying isn’t something I’m sure I can do again. He nearly broke me the last time we were together. I don’t know if I could survive a second time. But he’s also right. Only being friends with Judge would hurt almost as much. Seeing him with other women would destroy me. Even the thought of it leaves a lump in my throat. I know he’s been with other women. Knowing that, I can tolerate, but seeing it firsthand would slice my heart to ribbons and leave me bleeding.
I close my eyes and try to turn my head away, but he tightens his grip in my hair. I can sense him dipping his head closer. I barely suppress a moan when his lips graze across my neck, just below my scars. A shiver races up my spine, and tingles sprout on my scalp.
“Judge, I’m not sure this is a good idea.” I can barely form the words with the delicious pleasure spiraling through me.
“Shh…,” he whispers and nips my earlobe. “Just feel for a minute.”
I open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling. I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin. What he’s making my body feel, I haven’t felt in years. I never thought I would feel it again. It’s both scary and liberating. I thought maybe I was broken. That he broke that part of me when he callously ended things. But that’s not it. It’s him. He’s the only one who can make me feel like I’m floating on air. Send electric tingles through every fiber of my body. Make my stomach dip and clench with desire and my mind incoherent of anything else around me.
I’ve tried dating, but it’s never gone anywhere. There’re never any sparks, and that’s what I want. I don’t want to settle. I want it to be special and one of a kind.
I moan and shudder when his lips leave my throat and work their way to my shoulder. He nudges the strap of my tank top to the side with a bristly chin and kisses across the sensitive skin.
“You taste just like I remember. I never forgot, Ellie,” he groans and sucks a piece of skin into his mouth.
Mindlessly, I roam my hands over his shoulders and grip the back of his shirt. An arm wraps around my waist and I’m tugged until my breasts smash against his hard chest. His cock presses into my lower stomach, and I remember how it used to feel when he would slip inside me: full and complete. I always felt whole when we were together. I was his and he was mine. Like we were both specifically made for the other.
>
“Shit.”
The muttered curse comes from behind us, and I jerk away from Judge, spinning around only to see the retreating back of Declan. I cross my arms over my chest and try to calm my breathing before I turn back to face Judge. He’s standing there staring at me with his hands shoved into the front pockets of his slacks. My cheeks are flushed, and my chest feels tight from holding my breath to appear normal while he stands there, seemingly unaffected. The only thing off about him is the creases in his shirt left by my hands.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I admit quietly. I tighten my arms around my middle and move my eyes from his to focus on the third button down on his shirt.
“Why?” he grates, his jaw twitching.
“Because the last time, I barely survived.” He hisses out a breath, so I quickly add. “I’m not talking about my attack.” I lift my eyes. “The only thing that kept me grounded and in my head, was what those men did to me. It forced me to target my attention on something other than the pain that was in here.” I touch my chest where my heart is. “And knowing I had a small part of you growing inside me.” He stays quiet, his eyes trained on mine. “Maybe if you told me—”
“No,” he snaps. “You don’t get that until I say you’re ready.”
His words don’t anger me. They just make me sad. His body may want me, but his mind is undecided. How can he expect us to be together if he won’t trust me with something that obviously means a great deal to him?
I shake my head and drop my hands to my sides, rejection slumping my shoulders. “I need to get dinner started. Maisy will be hungry when she wakes up.”
He doesn’t reach out and try to stop me as I pass by him. He doesn’t need to. His words do the job for him.
“I’m leaving in a week.”
My stomach bottoms out. I knew this was coming. He has a life in Malus to get back to. He can’t stay here forever, even if this is the place where his daughter lives. Besides, even if he did, he’s not here for me, despite what we were just doing.
