by Cara Carnes
Some wounds are too deep. How much had Bree never told anyone?
The thought kept her focused on what mattered. She was back at The Arsenal and surrounded by her friends. Her family was there. Everyone she loved, save her parents, was nearby and safe.
You should call them. It’s not their fault that you’re going through all of this. They might not care, but they’re your parents. You love them.
Yeah, but did they love her?
She took the blow that thought dealt and forced a deep breath. Held it. Then expelled. That’d be a conversation she’d have with Sinclair tomorrow. It was time she talked about her parents. Surrounded by those who cared, she could navigate those treacherous waters. Maybe.
She honestly didn’t know where she stood when it came to her parents. She loved them, but she was angry at how they’d handled her upbringing. It wasn’t her fault. Was it?
It was. She’d made everything about her back then. They’d given up everything they loved for her. The mountain. Their lifestyle.
All of it was gone from their lives.
Because of her.
No matter how many times she thought through it, there was no escaping the truth.
They had every right to hate her.
She doubted they did, but the resentment was strong—even now. She’d never make it up to them. She’d tried hard over the years, but it’d never be enough.
What if that happened here? What if she sucked the life out of everyone around her? What if they got sick of her being around? Weak.
No. That’s not me. Sinclair was right. I am strong. I am.
I. Am. Not. Weak.
What if you are? What if they’re lying? What if they don’t want to deal with your crazy?
No. They’re my friends.
Her skin tightened; her breathing turned shallow. The cloying need to purge the insidiousness in her burned her stomach. She squeezed her eyes shut and willed the urge away. She wouldn’t give in to the need. Never again.
Think of Addy. Think of what she must’ve gone through when she found you waterboarding yourself. Passed out. Keep it away for them. Be strong.
“Bree.” Rhea’s soft whisper dragged her from the dark compulsion. Moments like this were where it’d begun. When the fears and worries became too much, she’d escaped into her “conditioning.”
At first, it’d been simple things like testing a drone on herself so she’d know what it felt like. Then it’d become more intense. She’d studied interrogations recorded on HERA for hours. They became her focal point. A goal. She’d become strong enough to withstand it all. Then she’d know she would always have a place at The Arsenal.
She’d be worthy.
Damn. The realizations dragged her deeper down. Voices sounded around her, but she couldn’t hear the words.
Heat ran along her cheeks. Someone was touching her. Why?
The contact firmed, a steady grip she clung to. Whoever it was would get her secured. They’d drag her from the weak and into the strong.
“Fuck, sweetheart. Come back to me. To us,” Ram whispered in her ear. “You’re safe. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. Together.”
“I am strong. I am. I am not weak.” She repeated the words over and over until the internal war halted. The buzz in her ears dissipated until all she heard were Ram’s gentle words as he repeated them over and over.
“You are strong. So strong. Come back to us, sweetheart.”
She wrapped her arms around him and drew a deep breath. But she couldn’t hold it. She gasped another. Then another. Tears streaked down her face, but that was okay. The voice was wrong. Her friends would help her. Sinclair was right.
It was okay to fall apart and need help.
They’d be strong for her until she could stand up again.
Live to fight another day, Bree. You’ve got this.
“Thank fuck.” Her gaze swept toward where Nolan was pacing near the door.
“Look at me, sweetheart. Not at them,” Ram ordered.
She tumbled into the intensity within his gaze. “I-I don’t know what happened. Why.”
“We’ll figure it out,” Rhea said.
Bree gasped when Ram lifted her from the chair. “What are you doing?”
“Debrief me later,” he said as he headed toward the door. He paused and looked over at Doug. “You know where we’ll be.”
Fuck. Ram made his way out of the whiteboard room and down the long, winding corridor. He never wanted to walk into a room and see Bree like that ever again. What had set off this episode? Did she know? She claimed not to, but he’d seen good friends combatting PTSD and other mental landmines lie to themselves often enough to suspect she knew, even if only on a surface level.
Sinclair.
He needed to get Bree to the cave, but she needed to talk this out with Sinclair. When he arrived at the building’s exit, he paused at a chair and sat. She curled into his lap.
“I can walk.”
“I know, but I like holding you.” He pulled out his cell and punched the number he hadn’t ever used. “Yeah, it’s Ram. Bree needs you. I’m taking her to house twelve, fifth down on the left.”
He clicked off and stood, Bree snuggled in his arms. “We’ll be somewhere quiet in a few minutes.”
“I’m okay. We should go back. We have a mission debrief.”
He didn’t give a damn about the mission debrief. Gage could fill him in later, and Bree had no business going over a mission right now. She needed time to situate herself after whatever the hell had just happened.
Late afternoon sun blasted its heat when he exited the building. He made his way toward the parking lot, growling his frustration when the last shithead he wanted to see stepped in his path. “Move.”
“What happened? Is she okay?” Gavin asked.
Ram didn’t have time for this numb nut. He glanced toward the training yard. “Medina!”
The team leader came running over. His gaze swept the situation a moment, then he stepped closer to Gavin. “Is there a problem?”
“Get him gone.”
“No problem.” Medina clapped Gavin on the back. “I heard you didn’t fare too well on the combat test earlier. Let’s get some practice in.”
“I’d prefer to know what is wrong with Bree.”
“Nothing,” Ram said.
“I’m not your business,” Bree said. “I never was. Take me away. He’s giving me a headache, Ram.”
Ram continued on, knowing Medina and his team would handle Gavin. He might have to accept the man’s place on the mission when it went down, but until then, he was a nonissue. He sat Bree in a golf cart and made his way toward the house they’d commandeered. At least there she’d have some semblance of privacy. Quiet.
He’d hoped the time they spent together at the river would’ve eased whatever worries she’d been chewing on. His entire body ached at the reminder of what they’d done beside the river. He longed to do it again. Soon.
Bree remained quiet until he pulled up at the house. Her gaze moved to him, then the house. “Why are we here?”
“Because it’ll be quiet, and with all luck, very few will track you out here.”
“You know they’ll follow with HERA.”
“They’ll respect the space. They always do.” Ram made his way to the other side of the cart and put his arm around her when she exited.
“Who did you call? Earlier. You called someone. Who?”
“Sinclair.” She tightened against his side. He opened the door, thankful they’d kept the A/C on. Houses got hotter than Hades this time of the year in Texas, and he didn’t want Bree uncomfortable. “Come on. Let’s get you sat down. I’ll even fix you a snack if you want. I think Doug has some chocolate stashed in here.”
“He wouldn’t mind?”
“No.” He waited until she curled up on the sofa. “You want one of Pierce’s quilts?”
“Please. And a pillow.” She smiled up at him. “Thank you. I know I should’ve s
tayed and explained, but I honestly don’t know why it happened.”
“All that matters right now is getting you here. It’ll be as quiet as you want. Sinclair should be here in a few minutes.” He set a quilt over her.
“Will you…” She hesitated. “Lie with me. Please?”
“Of course.” She scooted over so he could crawl onto the couch facing her back. He draped his arm around her, then settled the quilt atop them. “Do you want me to call anyone to come here for you?”
“No. Just you,” she whispered back. “I don’t want to talk to Sinclair. She’ll ask stuff I don’t want to answer.”
“That’s part of the healing, sweetheart. It’s not fun, but it’ll help to talk about it.”
“I know. It sucks, though. I thought I was getting better.”
“You are. It’ll take time, though,” Ram said. “Doug went through a bout of this after he got injured. He was in physical therapy for a few months.”
“But he’s okay now?”
“Yeah. Every now and then he has a slip, but he recognizes his triggers well enough now. We all do.”
“Do you have any? You know, triggers?”
The dark. Restraints. Knives. They listed in his mind, but he ignored them and ran his hands through his hair. “We’ll talk about me another time. Let’s focus on you.”
“Don’t think I’ll forget. I never forget a pinned topic. It’s my superpower.”
He chuckled. “Noted.”
The door opened. He glanced over as Sinclair entered. She didn’t offer a greeting as she made her way into the living room and sat in the chair where Bree could see her.
“I freaked out,” Bree said, glancing over at the woman quietly listening. Observing.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, but Ram says I need to. I know he’s right.” Bree’s voice lowered. “I was talking to Rhea about her kids and she said something. I think that’s what started it. Maybe.”
“What did she say?” Sinclair asked.
Ram realized he should probably go, give Bree some privacy. As if sensing his thought, she shimmied her ass against him and firmed her grip on his arm, the one draped around her waist. The action made him calm.
She wanted him to stay.
“She said we’d always shared things with each other, but that’s not true. She didn’t tell me about Rhianna. Her daughter. She didn’t tell me.”
“Okay. How did that make you feel?”
“Angry. Hurt. Very hurt. Then she said I was always there when she needed me, but that wasn’t true either because I wasn’t there to help her with the Rhianna thing because I didn’t even know.” She sniffled. “Then I…”
“You’re doing very good, Bree. I know this is hard to talk about, but this is a tremendous breakthrough.”
“It is?” Bree asked.
“You’ve never allowed yourself to go this deep into your thoughts. They’re an open wound,” Sinclair said, her voice calm and gentle. “I think you’re at a point where you feel safe to explore that wound.”
“Because I finally listened to you and know I’m where I should be. Home. With my friends and family. They love me,” she said. “But a part of me doesn’t think that’s true. That’s what I started thinking, that they didn’t want to help me through this. I know that’s wrong, but it hurt to think about.”
“I think there’s more.”
How would Sinclair know that? Bree tightened in his arms. Ram knew immediately the doc was right. Damn. Unsure how to help, he remained quiet, but ran his hands through her hair. His gaze locked with Sinclair, who nodded.
“I thought about my parents. The things they sacrificed for me.” She spat the word sacrificed out as though it tasted bad.
“How did that make you feel?”
“Grateful,” Bree whispered, the word barely audible. “That’s what I should’ve felt, right?”
“But you didn’t,” Sinclair guessed.
“I didn’t ask for them to leave the mountain. I didn’t ask for any of it.” She paused a moment. “But they always make it sound like it was my fault. Everything always is. They lose a job, it’s because of me. The sacrifice they made for me to have a better education.”
“How old were you when you left the mountain?”
“Fourth grade,” she said. “The city scared me. I wanted Grams, but she wouldn’t come with us.”
“Was your brother there?”
Bree nodded. “At first, yeah. He always helped when I got scared. Then he went back to live with Grams. I was in boarding schools, so there was no reason for him to be miserable in the city.”
“You were alone,” Sinclair whispered. “Did you parents visit?”
“No. They were working or busy.” She sniffled. “Rent was expensive.”
“I bet talking with Lars wasn’t easy either if he was on the mountain,” Ram whispered. “Their lives moved on.”
She nodded. “Without me. It’s what I’d wanted. What I needed to do.”
“Did you make friends?” Sinclair asked.
Bree shook her head. “I was different. Poor, but smart. Country, but in the city. It took a while to adapt and fit in. But I did. Eventually. I was determined to make them all proud. All I thought about was Grams and the cabin, those scary storms where we’d lose power on the mountain for days or weeks. That got me through, thinking about getting smarter so I could give the mountain power. No more dark.”
Damn. Even back then she was thinking about others over herself. Ram hated that she was going through this. Was this truly a breakthrough? Was Sinclair right?
“We all have moments in our life that define us, times we sometimes don’t want to revisit because they were so significant, so difficult. It sounds like this was yours. How did your parents react to you being scared?”
“They got angry. So angry. I learned not to say anything. They’d given up the mountain life for me. I had to be strong enough to do what was expected.” Bree ran her hand down his. Interlaced their fingers. “Did you know this is the Triple Threat’s man cave? They come here after hard missions and unwind. Ram said I could come anytime. He brought me here because he said it was quiet. He remembered what I told him earlier today.”
“What was that?” Sinclair asked.
“She likes the quiet,” Ram replied.
“That’s good.”
“You were right,” she whispered. “I have a lot of people who will help me through. Why does a part of me still fight that?”
“Because you’re scared. My job is to help you figure out why.”
“I’m not scared.”
“I think you already realize you are. Voicing our fears takes a lot of courage. Whatever you say to me won’t ever be shared. Do you trust Ram to hear it?”
“I do,” she whispered. The confession filled him with warmth. She trusted him enough to hear whatever fear she harbored.
“Then trust us to handle whatever you say,” Sinclair said. “What scares you?”
“My parents blamed me for everything bad that happened after we left the mountain. It…ruined their love for me. I sometimes think they hate me. I know they probably love me, but our relationship is so messed up.”
“Do you worry that’ll happen with your friends?”
“Yes.” Bree shrank her arms in front of her. “What if they get tired of me having weak moments like what just happened? I don’t want to lose them. I can’t.”
“That won’t ever happen,” Ram said, his voice firm and determined. “I swear. It won’t.”
“What if I’m an emotional vampire and I suck all the vitality and strength and love from everyone around me? I can’t lose them.” She sniffled.
Emotional vampire? Jesus. Ram couldn’t imagine her as anything but a bright, shining beacon in their world.
“You’re quiet, Ram. What are you thinking?” Sinclair asked.
“I’m trying to figure out how to combat that thought. It’s so far from the truth, I have no words
for it.”
“Then give her the truth.”
“I’ve heard your Grams say your light was dim when you went back to the mountain,” Ram whispered. “That’s what you are for me and everyone else, Bree. You think you created light for her mountain, but you have always been her light. And you are ours. You are the beacon that guides us. A lighthouse.”
“I am?”
“You are,” Ram affirmed. “Do you remember that first mission you helped us with when we first arrived at The Arsenal?”
“Which one?” Sinclair asked.
“Doug, Pierce, and I were with Marshall’s team in the sandbox. We were extracting a couple of Deltas who’d been captured. The government wouldn’t send anyone in for them, so we went,” Ram said.
“I remember,” Bree said.
“Tell me,” Sinclair ordered.
“We were pinned down, combatants all around us. Even Edge was getting antsy. We could hear it in her voice. There was no air support to be had, not in the remote region we were in.” Ram chuckled. “Then I heard a voice in the background whispering crazy words. ‘I can blow them up. I swear it’ll work. Give me three minutes.’”
Ram couldn’t help but laugh. “At first I thought she meant blow us up. But three minutes later all the drones we’d had up in the air flew off in all directions. I didn’t know what to think. Then that same beautiful voice came back on the com. Do you remember what you said, sweetheart?”
“You’re going to want to plug your ears and close your eyes. This is going to get messy.” Bree shifted and grinned. “And it did.”
“It did. Gloriously messy.” Ram looked over at Sinclair. “She aimed the drones right at the combatants, all the clusters. Then blew the drones and all of them up. It was carnage as far as we could see. Only a few managed to crawl away.”
“But you took them out,” Bree said with a grin.
“We did. We could because of you.” Ram touched her cheek. “I knew I’d met my angel that day. She was feisty, brilliant, and a little bit crazy. And I loved everything about her.”
