He lowered his head. “I loved her like I never loved before, and I blame myself for what happened every day.”
“It wasn’t your fault, not yours alone, at least. You knew my mom was married, and you knew you were married, too, but still, you betrayed both families by creating a story that should’ve never come to life. My father spent years trying to use alcohol to heal the heartbreak she left him with. Before he even had a chance to hate her, he had to mourn her death, and now he’s fighting for his life against the demons you set free inside him.”
“I’m truly sorry about your father. I’ve been praying—”
“We don’t want your prayers,” I said bluntly. “I didn’t come here for this, for your guidance, for you or your god. Honestly, I don’t believe in either one.”
“Then why are you even here?”
“Because she asked me to come. Grace wanted me to come. I don’t believe in you or your god, but I believe in her. No one has ever stood by my side in all my life except for her, so the least I can do is stand beside her in the same fashion. This family means more than words to her, so that’s why I’m here. For her and her alone.”
He lowered his brows and guilt washed over him. “If she found out about what happened…”
“She’d never forgive you, I know, which is why she hasn’t heard a word about it from me. You’re the apple of her eye, and just because you’re my family’s demon, that doesn’t mean you can’t be her angel. I won’t ruin the image she has of you.”
“Thank you,” he said sincerely. He cleared his throat and crossed his arms. “Can I ask you something? Your father attacked the church because of what went on between your mother and me, correct?”
“Yes.”
“How did he even find out about the two of us?”
“I have no clue,” I told him. “He doesn’t talk about it.”
His brows lowered. “I cannot imagine what that did to him.”
“You don’t have to imagine. His current situation is living proof of his scars.”
He frowned. “Thank you again, for not telling Grace.”
“Yeah. It just makes me wonder… You don’t want to tell her because you don’t want her to see you in a different light, right? Because you want her to keep loving you for who she thinks you are?”
“Exactly.”
“But do you really want that? Do you want someone’s love by keeping secrets from them, or do you want their full love when they see all your flaws?”
He didn’t reply as he removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose again.
“You two look quite serious,” was heard behind me, and I cringed as I turned to see Grace standing there. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Just guy talk.”
“You’re lying. You smile too much when you’re keeping something from me. Dad? What is it?”
“It’s nothing really,” I told her, taking her hand into mine. “But I’m going to get back to the hospital.”
“I’ll come with you,” she told me, but I shook my head.
“No. Stay here with your family for a little while. Just stop by before you leave town tonight?”
She nodded and pulled me into a hug. “Okay, but if you need anything, let me know.” As she held me, I held her tighter, and I felt it in every inch of my being.
I loved her.
I was in love with every single part of her soul.
48
Grace
“That was good,” Judy told me as we finished cleaning up the kitchen that evening. “I’m glad you brought him.”
“You think it went okay? Mama didn’t really say much.” I frowned. It still amazed me, after everything we went through, that I still craved her approval. Maybe that would never truly go away. Maybe a person always craved their parents’ love and understanding.
“Maybe her not talking was a good thing,” Judy remarked. “Maybe that meant she was taking it all in.”
“I hope so.” I truly did.
“I’ve never seen that look before,” Mama commented, walking into the kitchen and leaning against the doorframe. Her voice was so soft and low that I was almost confused if she was my mother after all. “The way that boy looked at you. The way you looked at him…” Her eyes watered over, and she wiped away a few falling tears. “I didn’t understand.”
“Mama…” I whispered, stunned to see emotion falling from her eyes. In all my life, I’d never once seen my mother cry. Not even during the darkest days.
“My stubbornness kept me from understanding. My pride got in my way, but Gracelyn Mae, the way the two of you look at one another floored me. It was as if you could truly see each other. I’ve never seen that in all my life.”
“Except for you and Dad,” Judy remarked.
Mama frowned.
Tears kept falling.
“What’s going on?” I asked, completely confused by her emotions.
She couldn’t talk. Judy and I hurried over to her and wrapped her into our arms. I didn’t have a clue what was breaking her. I didn’t have any idea why she was falling apart. All I knew was that she needed me there for her, and right there was where I’d be.
There was something so heartbreaking about seeing your parents fall apart.
It was as if you were watching Superwoman fall from the sky.
“Is everything okay?” Dad asked, walking into the room. His glasses sat on top of his head as always, and he stuffed his hands into his pockets as we released Mama.
“He loves her, Samuel,” Mama confessed, gesturing toward me. “That boy loves her.”
“What? No…” I whispered. Jackson didn’t love me…
Jackson Emery didn’t love at all.
“Yes,” Dad agreed, “he does.”
Mama wiped at her eyes. “Even after what I told him, he still stood by her side. For the past years, I’d been trying to delete that woman from our lives, and then her son has the nerve to fall in love with my daughter.”
“That woman?” I questioned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Mama sighed, wiping her eyes, and then she walked out of the room, leaving a confused Judy and I standing there.
I turned to my father. “Dad? What is she talking about?”
He swallowed hard, and I watched as the emotion that once lived in Mama swarmed his eyes. “We should have a talk.”
* * *
“You’re upset,” Dad remarked, meeting me on the front porch where I’d been sitting for the past ten minutes after he told me about his past.
“I’m confused,” I corrected.
He sat down beside me, guilt written all over his face as we both stared out into the night sky.
“Jackson’s mother…did you love her?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“If she were alive, you’d still be with her?”
He frowned. “Yes.”
“Do you love Mama?”
“Your mother has been my rock for years now.”
I gently laughed, shaking my head. “That wasn’t my question.”
“I know.”
“Before Hannah Emery, were there other women? Or was she the only one?”
“Grace…you must understand…” he started, but I rolled my eyes.
“No. I get it. You were unfaithful to a woman who stood by you no matter what. It all makes sense to me now. Mama being so pushy about me going back to Finn. She truly believes that no matter what, you’re supposed to stand by your man. That’s all she’s ever done, too. She’s always stood by you, and you kept betraying her.”
He sniffled, glancing up at the stars in the sky. “I’ve made plenty of mistakes.”
“You’re not wrong, and you used her loyalty to abuse her heart. No wonder she’s so cold. She doesn’t know what love is anymore.”
“You hate me,” he remarked.
“Yes.” I paused. “No.”
It was complicated, my feelings for my father. I felt as if I’d been hit by
a freight train, and I was left trying to gather all the pieces of my soul.
“You told me when I came here this summer that we were created to feel, and sometimes our feelings came out of order. You said in one second, your heart can beat for love, and in the next, hate could show up. That’s how I’m feeling right now. Just confused.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. It’s just funny. I always wondered where I went wrong with Finn. How I stumbled into a relationship where the foundation of loyalty didn’t exist.” I took a deep breath and looked up at the same stars he studied that night. “It just turns out that I married a man who was exactly like my father.”
“I’ve let you down.”
“Yes, but I’ll heal. I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be. It turns out that we all are. But just do me one favor, will you?”
“Anything.”
Mama swirled in my thoughts. I couldn’t imagine how lost she felt. How hurt her soul must’ve been. I lay my head on his shoulder and softly spoke my one request. “Love her fully, or let her go.”
49
Jackson
My father woke up that evening.
Doctors and nurses were in the room with him, and I was waiting outside for them to allow me to come back. I didn’t know how to handle it. My heartbeats wouldn’t slow down.
He was awake, and the first person I messaged about it was Grace.
Whenever something good or bad happened, she was the first one I wanted to tell. Whenever I fell asleep, she was who I’d wish was beside me. I wasn’t a praying man, but if praying meant I’d receive Gracelyn Mae, I’d fall to my knees each night.
“He’s awake?” Grace asked, coming my way. Before I could reply, she wrapped her arms around me.
“Yeah. I’m just waiting until they let me back in.”
“Jackson, this is amazing.” She smiled, bright. “So amazing.”
“Maybe your family’s prayers worked,” I joked.
“My family…” Her eyes darted away from my stare, and she stepped back. Her smile faded, and her lips turned down. “I have to tell you something.”
“Okay.”
She swallowed hard. “It was my father. He was the one your mother was having an affair with.”
I stuffed my hands into my pockets. “Yeah, I know.”
“What?”
“That’s what your mom told me all those weeks ago. It’s what pushed me away, and I hate myself for it. For allowing our parents’ scars to make me want to run. I owe you an apology for that—for how I walked away. It was selfish and childish. I just…it felt as if I was losing my mom all over again. Only this time, I knew why.”
“No. I feel like I owe you the apology. My father is pretty much the reason your mother’s gone. If he hadn’t…” Her eyes watered over.
“That’s not true. Whatever you are about to say isn’t true. None of this was anyone’s fault. The truth of the matter was two people fell in love, and then life got in the way of it.”
She kept frowning. “Why didn’t you tell me? Once you found out?”
“Your dad is your world. I’d never take that away from you.”
A doctor came out of the room and told me that I could go in to see him. I grimaced and nodded, looking toward Grace. “Do you want to come with me?”
“No,” she replied, shaking her head. “He just got out of a coma. The last thing he needs is to see a Harris smiling in his face.” She gently snickered. “Besides, you two need that time together and I should get back on the road, seeing as how I work in the morning.”
I pulled her close to me and kissed her forehead. “Thank you for coming down here to see me.”
“I’ll be back next weekend.”
“You don’t have to,” I warned.
“I’ll be back next weekend,” she replied matter-of-factly. “Keep me updated on your father, will you?”
“I will.” I placed my lips against her forehead. “And princess, can you do one thing for me?”
“Of course, anything.”
I combed her hair behind her ears and looked straight into those beautiful blue eyes as I spoke her way. “If you ever fall in love again, please let it be with me.”
50
Grace
Mike had been out of the hospital for a few days now, and he was lucky enough not to have suffered any brain damage. Ever since Mike had returned home, Jackson kept a close eye on him. He was terrified of his father relapsing, which wouldn’t have been uncommon.
The amount of alcohol that Mike Emery consumed on the regular was terrifying. I couldn’t even imagine the amount of worry that existed in Jackson’s soul.
When I got back to town Saturday morning, I headed straight for the auto shop to check on Jackson, where he said he’d be.
As I waited, I watched as the back door of the shop opened and Mike walked in with a coffee mug. He headed straight for the coffee machine and poured himself a mug of black coffee.
Then he topped it off with a small bottle of whiskey that he pulled from his pocket.
“Are you kidding me right now?” I asked, completely baffled. After everything he’d been through, after Jackson almost lost him, he had gone right back to the bottle.
That broke my heart more than words could express, and I knew if Jackson found out, he’d lose it.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he barked.
“Waiting for your son. Are you really drinking? After everything you just went through?”
“Don’t come in here judging my choices like you know me.”
“You’re right, I don’t know you, but I know your son, and what you’re doing is destroying him.”
“You don’t know anything about that boy. You spend a few weeks with him, and now you know the ins and outs of how his brain works? You don’t know anything. That kid is messed up.”
“I wonder what made him that way.”
He grimaced, turning to walk out.
“You’re stealing his life away,” I told him.
He paused. “Pick your next words wisely.”
“You are. Do you know he doesn’t even like working on cars? He wanted to go to college to study art, like his mother. He wanted to see the world.”
“Now I know you know nothing about Jackson. He loves cars.”
“No, he learned so he could help out around here. He wanted to help take care of you.”
“Nobody asked for his help.”
“Yes.” I nodded. “They did.”
He raised an eyebrow and grumbled, “What are you talking about?”
“The last thing your wife said to him was, ‘Take care of your father.’”
“You got some nerve walking into my shop and talking about my dead wife. You know nothing about her.”
“No, but I do know my father loved her, and I know she loved him, too. I know that when she told you she was in love with another man, it cracked your heart. I know you know what betrayal feels like. Trust me, I know it, too.” He didn’t say a word, so I continued speaking. “Jackson knows how much you’ve been through. Even on your darkest days, he still loves you. He loves his mother too, which is why he’ll never leave your side. That was the last request she ever made of him, for him to take care of you, but while he’s picking you up, he’s missing out on living himself. On the day he lost his mother, he lost his father too, and every morning he wakes up scared he’s going to be burying you any day now.”
“So what, are you here to just tell me what a fuck-up I am? How I ruined his life?”
“No, I’m here to say you always have the opportunity to make things right. Right now, you have a choice: whiskey or Jackson.”
He looked down at the alcohol in his cup and let out a low sigh. “You should leave.”
“Okay, but for once in your life, how about you be the parent to your son instead of it being the other way around?”
“She’s right, you know, Mike,” a voice said behind me, and I turned to see Mama standing ther
e. “You’ve been a child to your own son for years, and I’m not judging you, because I have been the same thing to my girls. All those years ago, both of us were betrayed. We were both hurt by the two people who meant the most to us. We took that heartbreak out on our own children. Even with all the darkness we sent their way, they still managed to have goodness in them.” She walked over to Mike and frowned, placing a hand on his forearm. “Aren’t you tired of being angry?” she asked him.
His upper lip twitched as he lowered his mug down to the table. “He wanted to study art?”
“Yes,” I told him.
“He hasn’t spoken about art since Hannah…” His words faded off, and I felt my gut tighten. He was so unbelievably sad. It was painful to watch.
“When was the last time you two have actually spoken to one another? Had a real conversation?”
The pain in his expression only intensified as he turned to leave the shop.
I stepped toward him to try to express my thoughts more to him, but Mama placed a hand on my shoulder. “Let him go, Gracelyn Mae.”
“I just want to break through to him.”
“Trust me.” She shook her head. “He heard every single word you said.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because his eyes showed me exactly how my heart feels.”
It made me sad to know Mama was hurting so much. Had she been hurting as long as Mike had? Why hadn’t I ever taken the time to zoom in on my own mother? Perhaps it was because children oftentimes forgot that their parents were human, too. Perhaps it was because we assumed they had everything figured out, due to the fake smiles they delivered our way.
“What were you doing here, anyway?” I asked her.
“Looking for you. I heard you were seen walking into the shop.”
“I just got here,” I mentioned. “How could you hear that already?”
Disgrace Page 30
