Sophie reaches out and grips my arm, squeezing it comfortingly. I glance at her and she smiles. “You know I’ve watched Chase Mitchell for years, right?”
I nod. It feels like a lifetime ago that she last talked about her crush on him.
“Well, I’ve never once seen him look at Abigail or any other girl the way he looks at you.”
My hands start twisting together. “But this isn’t real.”
“Are you sure? Because it looks pretty real from where I’m standing.”
“Soph—”
“This hasn’t looked fake to me for a long time now, Liv. If I think about it, I’m not sure it ever was fake on Chase’s end, and you’ve been happy. He’s made you happy and confident and carefree. He’s brought out the best in you, just like boyfriends are supposed to do.”
I shake my head at her words, and for some reason, I feel tears spring to my eyes. “But he’s Chase Mitchell, Soph. He could have anyone. He’s not going to feel like that about me.”
She tugs on my arm, pausing the fidgeting of my hands, and catches my gaze with hers. Her brown eyes are shining. “You don’t really think that, do you?”
I don’t know. I definitely did before. Now, though, I don’t know what I feel. Chase has certainly never made me feel like that.
“I wish that, just for once, you could see yourself the way I see you,” she tells me softly. “The way everyone else sees you.” I shake my head and she smiles. “Chase Mitchell has fallen for you, Livs, no doubt about it, but it’s not you who’s the lucky one for getting him—he’s the lucky one for having a chance with you.”
I let out a bitter chuckle. “I don’t know what to do.”
“You need to talk to Chase.”
I nod. She’s right. I need to get this straightened out and see how Chase actually feels. I mean, this could all be in my imagination and not mean a thing, but somehow I know that’s not true.
“I’ll go find him,” I tell her, standing up. “I’ll see if he wants to get out of here.”
She nods and smiles at me. “Good luck.”
I can’t find it in me to smile back.
Somehow it’s gotten even busier when I get back inside, and I step around a girl who was in my history class sophomore year as she downs a drink in front of some cheering guys. I weave my way through the crowd and scan the room before spotting Chase near the entrance to the kitchen, his head bowed with Aaron’s in deep conversation.
“Chapman!”
I turn to see Hallie and Maria right behind me, Maria gripping Hallie with one hand in an attempt to stay upright, a beer in the other. My guess is she’s already had too much.
“Hey, guys. You okay?”
“Yeah! Well, way better than your boy anyway,” Maria slurs at me.
I shoot Hallie a confused look. “What’s wrong with Chase?”
Hallie shakes her head. “Not Chase. Jessie.”
I swallow hard. When she said my boy, my first thought was Chase. “Jessie? What?”
Hallie steps closer toward me, keeping an arm out for Maria to stop her from falling. “Jessie was looking for you, kept asking everyone where you were.”
“I’ve been outside,” I tell them.
“He looked upset, Livy.”
“I think I saw tears,” Maria throws in.
“What?” I ask in horror. “Jessie was crying?”
Hallie shrugs. “I don’t know. He was upset about something. He looked like his grandma just died.”
My stomach drops to the floor.
No. No. No. No matter what’s going on with me and Chase, or me and Jessie, this is his birthday, his big night that he’s looked forward to forever. He can’t be upset on his birthday. Guilt overwhelms me. I shouldn’t have ever agreed to this stupid idea. Now everything’s so confusing and the one person in the world I don’t want to hurt is hiding during his own party.
“Did you see where he went?”
Hallie jerks her head in the direction of the stairs. “Upstairs I think, something about wanting to find some quiet.”
I don’t even bother to say another word to them before I head toward the stairs, keeping my gaze down and avoiding eye contact with everyone. All I can think about are Jessie’s warm brown eyes filled with tears, and it’s enough to make me want to cry too. Whatever messed-up games I’ve been playing, it shouldn’t be affecting Jessie on his birthday. I need to find him, and I need to fix this.
I KNOCK QUIETLY ON JESSIE’S door and when I don’t get a response after a few moments, I ease it open slightly and slip through. The only light on is his bedside lamp, casting a warm glow over the otherwise dark room. Jessie’s sitting in his desk chair, staring out the window, legs stretched out in front of him as he swivels slightly in his seat. Despite the party being in full swing downstairs, you can only hear the faint sounds of laughter and music from here, like we’re cocooned from the world.
“You didn’t have to come up here,” he tells me.
“Of course I’m going to find you if you’re upset, Jess.”
He finally turns to face me, a rueful smile on his face. “You definitely would have before, but I wasn’t so sure about now.”
“Nothing’s changed,” I tell him, even though after tonight, I know that’s not true. I can’t define it, can’t quite put my finger on it, but something’s different.
“Everything’s changed.”
He stares at me for a couple of minutes and it’s so intense that I have to look away. I glance around his room, at his navy bedspread and pine furniture, at the room I know almost as well as my own, the room I’ve spent countless hours in over the last seven years, the room that belongs to the guy I’ve been infatuated with since the minute I met him.
“You should go back downstairs,” he finally mutters.
I shake my head. “Not without you. You’ve got the biggest rager of the year going on, and you need to go enjoy it.”
He stares at me for a second and then, “I’m so fucking angry.”
He didn’t shout, but it still makes me flinch. “I’m sorry—”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
That’s not entirely true. I could have been honest, could have not started playing this stupid game.
“Jess—”
“You haven’t done anything, Livy.”
“No, I knew things had gotten weird. I shouldn’t have brought Chase.”
“I’m not angry at Chase.”
What? “You’re not?”
He lets out a bitter laugh. “No. I’m crazy jealous of him, but I’m not angry at him.” He sighs and looks me right in the eyes. “How can I be angry with someone for doing something I was too dumb to do?”
My heart is in my throat. “What were you too dumb to do?” My voice is barely audible.
He stands up and takes a step forward. My hands are still clinging to the door handle behind me; I’m scared if I let go, I won’t be able to stand up. “To let myself fall for you. To admit that you’re exactly what I need and stop being so scared of it. To actually take a chance on us.”
Tears spring to my eyes. “You knew?”
A small smile plays on his lips. “Yeah, I knew.”
I swallow. “How long have you known?”
He shrugs and takes another step toward me. “A while…a long while.”
My face burns bright red and my eyes hit the floor. All this time, Jessie knew how I felt about him.
“Don’t,” he says. “Don’t look away, and don’t be embarrassed. I’m the one who should be ashamed.” I look back up at him in surprise, and his eyes are sincere. “Come on, Livy. I’ve always known you’re the coolest girl around—I’m not surprised Chase Mitchell is crazy about you.”
Something inside me turns cold at the sound of Chase’s name. I don’t want to think about him, not when Jessie and I are finally having an honest conversation. Up until a couple of days ago, I would have laughed at his words, at him actually believing Chase is into me, but now it does
n’t seem so funny.
“You’re beautiful,” he tells me with another smile. His whole face has changed now, lit up like he’s happy, and I realize it’s because he’s talking about me. Talking about me is making Jessie happy. “And you’re kind and you’re determined and I was too fucking scared to act on any of it and now it’s too late.”
“You were scared?” I whisper as I take a step closer to him, into the room and away from the door.
He nods. “You’re my best friend, Livy. I was scared I’d mess everything up, and I didn’t want to lose you.”
Another step. “You thought about me?” I ask. “As more than just a friend?”
He nods. “I thought about it all the time and every time I buried it, messed around with somebody else, all because I couldn’t stand the thought of messing it up and losing you.”
A tear slides down my face. “Jessie—”
“But that’s what happened anyway.”
I shake my head and take the final step toward him. I reach down and take his hand.
“You haven’t lost me, Jessie. I’m right here.”
He sighs, squeezes my hand tightly, and tugs me closer. He wraps his arms around me, hugging me close and resting his chin on top of my head. His next words are said so quietly, I’m not sure he meant for me to hear them.
“I love you, Livy.”
That’s all it takes. That’s all it takes before I forget about everything, about where I am and what I’m doing. All I can think about is those words on repeat as I twist my face up to Jessie’s and lock my mouth onto his.
He responds immediately and within seconds, it’s like something between us snaps. All the years of longing and hoping have all come to this and my brain can’t keep up with my body. Jessie seems to be feeling the same because before I can even think about it he’s clawing at me, just like I’m clawing at him, slipping his hand under my shirt, just as desperate to touch me as I am to touch him. Skin on skin—finally. His skin is hot and familiar and when he lifts my shirt up over my head, I let him. I let him because this is everything I’ve ever dreamed about and it’s not until he starts backing me toward his bed, his mouth still attached to mine that I realize how quickly this is going and my brain starts to kick in.
“Jessie—”
He just kisses me back harder and I’m swept up again. It’s only when the backs of my legs hit his bed that he stops, breathing hard. I take the opportunity to suck in several deep gulps of air and pull back from him slightly, trying to take in everything that’s happened in the last few minutes, and that’s when I notice the noise from the party is louder than it was a minute ago and a column of light is now shining down the side of Jessie’s face as he looks toward his door. I frown in confusion before turning to see what he’s looking at.
Blind panic takes over.
Chase stands in the doorway.
The whole world grinds to a halt as Chase stands there, eyes locked on me with a look on his face I’ll remember until the day I die. Nobody says anything as he stands there, breathing heavily, trying to control himself.
“Mitchell,” Jessie finally manages to get out.
Chase’s gaze sweeps to him for all of two seconds, full of disgust, before he turns his eyes back to me. I open my mouth to say something, to say anything that will make this all right, but nothing comes out.
Chase just shakes his head once then turns and walks away.
No! Stop! Wait! Wait for me!
Him walking away from me spurs me to action.
“Chase, wait,” I shout. “Wait!”
I scramble away from Jessie and go to follow Chase before realizing I’m not wearing a shirt. Oh God. This is bad. This is really bad. Chase just walked in on me making out with Jessie with no shirt on. My eyes scan the ground, wildly hunting for my top.
“Livy—”
“I need to talk to him,” I tell Jessie, my eyes frantically searching. “I need to explain.”
Jessie bends at the waist and scoops up my shirt from right behind him, tossing it toward me, and I quickly pull it over my head as I exit the room. I briefly recognize people I know on the stairs and realize they’re witnessing me walking out of a bedroom half undressed. I quickly straighten my top, making sure it covers my stomach. Sarah Billington is standing by the stairs with her jaw hanging open.
My eyes scan the landing, trying to spot Chase, and then I feel an arm on my shoulder. Jessie has come out of the room right behind me.
“Oh. My. God.” Sarah’s eyes are the size of saucers.
“Where did he go?” I demand.
“Is that what Chase just saw?” she asks, gesturing toward us. I step away from Jessie, suddenly desperate to have some space. I have no time to think about Jessie now. I need to find Chase. I need to make him not hate me.
“Where did he go?” I demand again. My eyes fly to the people next to her and Brendon and Jackson just stare at me, their faces like stone. Oh fuck, this is bad. This is really, really bad.
“He went downstairs.” Unbelievably, it’s Abigail who tells me this, and when I look at her, she doesn’t look smug like I’d expect, nor does she look like she just won the lottery, as Sarah does. She looks…almost concerned. “He’s probably looking for Aaron and then he’ll be gone. You need to be quick if you want to catch him.”
I don’t wait to be told twice and rush past them, hurtling down the stairs, but there are too many people everywhere, too many people standing in the way, dancing and talking and laughing and standing between me and Chase. I look around frantically and start edging toward the kitchen.
Sophie appears in front of me.
“Chase?” I ask her. “Have you seen him?”
She frowns at the look on my face but shakes her head. I push past her, so, so desperate to get to Chase and explain things to him, but she grips my arm. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“I fucked up. I—” I begin to tell her, but when my gaze glances behind her I see Chase heading toward the door, Aaron close behind him, and I don’t finish my sentence. “Chase!” I shout it loud enough that everyone around me glances over, but Chase doesn’t halt. “Chase! Please, wait!”
He doesn’t slow down, but I know he hears me; I can tell by the way his shoulders have tensed up. Aaron glances back at me and shakes his head, a warning to leave it, but I can’t. I have a desperate need for him not to think badly of me, a desperate need to sort this out.
I push through the mass of people, people who are now looking between Chase and me, sensing that something is wrong, and I see Abigail and her group descend the stairs, their eyes on me.
Chase is through the door and halfway down the path before I manage to catch up to him. I reach out a hand to grab his shoulder and he whirls away from me like I’m toxic.
“Don’t,” he warns.
“Chase, I’m—I didn’t mean…I didn’t know.” I swipe my hands across my face in frustration. I need him to listen to me, to understand that I didn’t plan this and didn’t mean to hurt him, but the words don’t come out. I stand staring at him for what feels like an eternity and tears start to drip down my face. They slide down because this boy in front of me has come to mean so much to me, has been there when I needed him and even when I didn’t, and right now he’s looking at me like he hates me.
He still doesn’t say anything, just stares, his fists clenching at his sides.
“I’m sorry,” I finally manage to whisper. “I’m really, really sorry.”
He lets out a bitter chuckle, his eyes flashing. “Why? You got what you wanted, right? This is what you wanted all along.”
“Chase…” I force back a sob that is desperate to break free. “I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head in disgust. “Am I right, Liv? Did you get what you wanted?”
“I didn’t want it to happen like this.”
“Am. I. Right?”
Fresh tears drip down my face and I nod. Jessie is what I’ve wanted. He’s always been what I wanted. “Can I
explain? Can we just go somewhere and talk?”
“What was going to happen if I hadn’t walked in?”
“What?”
“What was going to happen next?”
My face falls when I realize what he means. We were by Jessie’s bed, kissing, with clothes removed. Oh God.
“Chase—”
“Were you going to have sex?”
“Chase,” I plead, suddenly very aware of the crowd watching us. People have definitely followed us outside and I can feel eyes on me, watching, snickering. Jackson and Brendon have stepped up closer to Chase, clearly backing him, and without even having to turn my head I know Sophie is the presence I feel at my side. She might not know what’s going on, but she still has my back.
“Were you about to have sex? With Jessie? In his room?”
“Please, can we talk?” I ask desperately.
“Your shirt was off, Liv,” he says sharply, his voice laced with disgust. “Were you going to let him fuck you for the first time at a party with people lined up outside waiting for the room to be free?”
He says it so loud and it’s so quiet out here I have no doubt everyone heard that. Humiliation and shame wash over me, and I feel the tears fall heavier down my face.
Jessie appears at my side. “Chase—”
“Don’t fucking talk to me, man. I swear to God you don’t wanna come near me right now.”
“Chase, can we go somewhere to talk?” I’m practically begging at this point. I can’t have him thinking so badly of me. I need to change this.
He looks at me and I feel Jessie’s arm snake around my waist. I know he’s doing it for support, to let me know I’m not alone and he’s here for me, but at this moment it feels like he’s branding me as his and I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look in Chase’s eyes when he sees Jessie touching me in front of everyone and me letting him do it.
The Stand-In Boyfriend Page 23
