Mentioning Dana made Kate think about how fast time was passing. Before she knew it Dana would be off to college and then Kate would no longer have any excuses for not exploring more of what life had to offer. She didn't feel bad for putting her own life on hold though. Being there for Dana was worth any sacrifices she'd made.
At the very moment that thought was floating through Kate's mind, they happened to pass the spot on the road where Kate usually looked away or distracted herself with a song on the radio. When it caught her off guard Kate inhaled quickly bracing herself for the flood of emotions that would surely follow.
"Are you okay?" Joy asked softly.
Kate turned her head and as soon as her eyes met Joy's tears started streaming down her face. There was something so comfortable about being in Joy's presence that the emotions Kate usually had to keep bottled up just started overflowing.
"Oh my goodness, Kate. Is something wrong? Do you need me to pull over?"
Kate shook her head vigorously. The last thing she needed was to actually stop along this stretch of the road.
"No," she managed to whisper. Kate dug her nails into her palms until she could control her tears. "We just passed the place where my mother died," she said in a whisper.
Kate heard Joy's breath intake but she didn't say anything right away she just reached over with her free hand and patted Kate's knee.
"I'm sorry," she finally said.
They drove in silence for a few miles and surprisingly the opportunity to just sit quietly gave Kate the courage to open up and share the details of her mother's death.
"The drunk driver didn't even stop," Kate said without hiding the bitterness she always felt. "Probably some vacationer who'd just left a bar in Charlotte. You have to drive these roads carefully under the best circumstances but this person was totally negligent. Witnesses couldn't even tell if it was a man or a woman," she continued. "From what they told the police, the person tried to pass my mother going up the hill. It must have startled her and caused her to swerve. Her tires slid on the gravel and she just kept going down the embankment until she hit a tree. They said she died on impact. Didn't feel a thing."
By the time Kate got that part of the story out, Joy was gripping her hand tightly. Kate was surprised at how cathartic it felt to tell the story. She and her father didn't talk about it much and although she'd told Dana what happened when she was old enough to hear the truth, talking to her father or her daughter about it wasn't the same as sharing the story with a peer.
"I'm so sorry," Joy said. Kate could see tears streaming down Joy's face but with one hand on the wheel and the other holding Kate she couldn't wipe them away.
Kate scrounged around in her purse until her hand touched the package of tissue she still carried even though her days of wiping Dana's nose were far behind her. She reached up and dabbed at Joy's face.
"I guess I've never really gotten over the anger," she finally said. "Maybe if we knew who did it I would have been able to work through it but knowing my mother's killer is just wandering out there somewhere..." Kate's voice trailed off for a minute. "When I was younger I used to stare at people I saw when I was walking around town. In my imagination, I kept believing that maybe my mother would communicate with me from the other side and tell me who did it. Silly, huh?"
Joy shook her head. "I don't think that's silly at all. You were just a kid trying to figure out the unimaginable."
"My dad finally got me into therapy. We actually have a really good therapist who lives in Hersh Falls part of the year. If it wasn't for Dr. Turner." Kate paused. What she was about to say was something she'd never admitted to anyone else other than the young therapist all those years ago. "If it wasn't for Dr. Turner, I probably wouldn't be here today."
Chapter 16
By the time Joy walked out of Dr. Turner's office on Wednesday morning she felt like a limp dishrag. She'd barely even started processing her feelings about revealing what she'd heard her father say all those years ago and now Kate's story kept seeping into Joy's mind. Learning that Mrs. Warner had been killed by a drunk driver made Joy's stomach turn into knots. Sure the outcome in her own DUI incident wasn't as tragic but it could have been. Joy was going to have to figure out how to make sure she never let anything like that happen again.
"So do you see how the childhood fear of losing your father's approval has affected almost every other part of your life?" Dr. Turner asked.
Joy looked up at the therapist but along with contemplating her question she couldn't help but try to imagine what Dr. Turner must have looked like more than twenty years ago when -- instead of Joy-- a young Kate sat on the sofa across from her.
Dr. Turner was still an attractive woman and her intelligence and compassion made her all the more so. Joy found herself wondering if young Kate might have even had a crush on the younger version of the doctor.
"You might not be ready to do this right now but I think it would be a helpful step in your healing process."
Joy's brow furrowed when she realized she hadn't been listening closely enough to know what Dr. Turner was talking about.
"Like I said, maybe not now," she continued in a soothing tone. "But someday in the not too distant future I think it would be helpful for you to talk with your dad."
Joy's body snapped to attention as if someone had just shot a current of electricity through her. While thinking about Kate's mother made Joy's stomach tighten into knots, the thought of talking to her father about what she'd heard him say had the exact opposite effect. Now it was like everything in her body loosened and its contents threatened to spill out all at once.
Joy closed her eyes and took several deep breaths to still the nausea. When she felt like she was more in control she finally risked opening her mouth to speak.
"To be honest Dr. Turner, I wouldn't even know what to say."
When she was younger -- and still coming to grips with her sexual orientation -- she used to imagine yelling at her father and letting all the hurt she felt inside spew out in an angry torrent. But once she'd found her peace with being gay, once she'd learned to accept and love herself the anger gave way to a pool of sadness. It was as if any truthful conversation between her and her father would wash away even the small place of comfort they still had talking about softball. Their weekly check-in calls may not have been deep -- or particularly honest when it came to personal things -- but at least they were able to share commentary on recent games and the things that were happening in the world of softball in general.
"Maybe we could try role playing the conversation a few times. After doing that for a while you might find yourself better prepared to broach the subject for real?"
Joy nodded slowly. What Dr. Turner was saying made sense in theory but Joy just couldn't imagine her father openly, honestly answering the questions that she really wanted to ask. Do you really think gay people are evil? Do you know I'm gay?
Her body had been flooded with adrenaline the day she shared the story about listening to her father pray. Now that the truth hung openly in the air it seemed to drain her energy like a heavy-weight. It all made sense: the sickening feeling she'd felt ever since she got back to Richmond, the tension in her body even after her surgery went well. The need to drink.
Joy's real problem was that without softball she had to face the possibility that her father wouldn't accept who she was and might not love her because of it. If her shoulder didn't heal well enough for her to go back to playing softball professionally not only would she have lost a career that she loved but she also might have lost the approval of the person who'd introduced her to the game in the first place.
Joy's fingers were clutching the car steering wheel so tightly that they were turning white from lack of circulation. She needed to get home as quickly as she could so she could go running to burn off the uncomfortable energy she was feeling. That was the only healthy way she knew how to make herself feel better.
For a moment she thought about stopping by
Kate's job. Something deep within her heart longed to share her story with someone with a sensitive ear. Someone who wasn't being paid to listen to her problems and who might really be able to understand what she was feeling. It was only 2 o'clock and based on what Kate said earlier she knew the woman would be in the middle of preparing dinner for the residents at the center. She probably wouldn't have time to talk to Joy. It was best to just head home.
Joy took the stairs up to the apartment two at a time, quickly changed her clothes and was halfway up the mountain trail before her muscles finally started to loosen. People always talked about how much better you are supposed to feel once you'd shared a hard truth but they didn't talk about the difficulty of the next step in the healing process.
More than an hour later Joy had scaled the hiking side of the trail leading to the waterfall but instead of taking the same way back to the cabin she decided to take a short cut and jog back down the street that lead directly to the Warner's cabin. Kate should be home soon and Joy needed to see her.
Somehow facing one truth about her life had imbued her with the courage to face another. She didn't want to dance around her attraction to Kate anymore. No more subtle messages on t-shirts. She wanted to tell the woman outright that she was attracted to her and wanted to get to know her better.
As Joy rounded the last curve leading to the Warner cabin she noticed Mr. Warner standing in the yard of one of the houses he landscaped. He was leaning over picking something up off the ground. At least that's what Joy thought at first. But the closer she got to the house where he was working the more she could see that there was actually something wrong.
"Mr. Warner. Are you okay?" Joy asked as she drew close enough to him to speak.
Mr. Warner was wobbling on his feet and didn't respond. Joy quickly reached out to keep him from falling.
""Mr. Warner, let me help you," she said as she guided him to the nearby porch steps.
Once he sat down Joy got a good look at his face and what she saw made her very worried. Mr. Warner's mouth was twisted slightly to the right.
"Mr. Warner, can you smile for me?" Joy asked.
He looked up at Joy with an irritated expression but he followed the instructions. One side of his mouth turned up in the smile that was so much like his daughter's but the other side of his mouth just kind of drooped.
"Okay, Mr. Warner. Can you raise both of your arms?"
Mr. Warner's left arm flew into the air but he couldn't get his right arm even as high as his shoulder.
"One last thing, Mr. Warner. Can you repeat after me? The sun in September shines brightly."
The garbled sound that came from Mr. Warner's mouth made Joy's heart clench. He was definitely having a stroke. Joy pulled her cell phone from her pocket and was about to dial 911 until she realized her out-of-state phone might not immediately route to the closest emergency station.
"Mr. Warner do you have your phone with you?" she asked.
Mr. Warner reached toward his pocket but couldn't get to his phone.
"May I?" Joy asked tenderly. She reached her hand into his front pants pocket and pulled out the tiny flip phone Dana always teased him about carrying.
Her hands were shaking as she pressed the three plastic buttons.
"911. What's the nature of your emergency?"
***
Kate had just closed the oven door and set the timer for forty-minutes when she heard her cell phone ring. She slipped the phone out of her pocket and was surprised to see her father's number blinking on her screen. It was only a little after three o'clock and Kate was sure he was still in the middle of his chores for the day.
"Hi Daddy!" she answered. "How's your first day with the new truck?"
"Kate?" a female voice answered. There was a lot of noise in the background so at first, Kate couldn't make out who it was calling her on her father's phone.
"Kate, It's Joy."
"Joy? What are you doing calling from my dad's phone?"
"Kate, I'm following an ambulance to the hospital. The paramedics think your dad has had a stroke."
Kate felt all of the blood rush to her feet and she had to grab the counter to steady herself.
"Kate? Kate? Are you still there?" Joy asked.
Kate could hear Joys' voice but somehow she couldn't manage to form the words to answer her.
"Kate, they're taking him to Memorial General in Morristown. Do you need me to come get you or is there someone there who can give you a ride?"
Kate's brain was total mush. She couldn't get her thoughts or her words together. Fortunately, Elaine noticed her strange behavior and took the phone.
"Oh my goodness! Yes. Of course. I can give her a ride. We'll leave right away."
Somehow Elaine managed to get Kate into her car and thirty minutes later they pulled up in front of the emergency room doors. Kate bolted out of the car leaving the passenger side door standing wide open.
"Kate!" Joy called out almost as soon as Kate got inside the waiting room.
"Where is he?" Kate blurted out in panic.
"Come this way," Joy said. "He's okay, Kate. They're observing him, but he's okay."
Kate heard the reassuring words but she wouldn't believe them until she laid eyes on her father for herself. One of the nurses saw her rushing down the hall and met Kate outside a curtained area where her father was laying with tubes and wires attached to his chest and arms.
"He's okay," the nurse said trying to comfort Kate. "It was a minor stroke and he's stabilized now."
Mr. Warner noticed the commotion and called out to his daughter. "Come here, Kate," he said with slurred speech. Kate stepped closer to the bed and collapsed in her father's arms.
"I'm okay," he continued to explain. "Thanks to Joy."
At the sound of Joy's name, Kate turned back toward the opening in the curtain. Joy was standing there as if she was trying to be both supportive and discreet at the same time.
"What happened?" Kate finally managed to ask.
Joy stepped closer to the bed. "I was out for a run when I saw your dad in distress. I called the ambulance from his phone. It didn't take very long for them to get there and the doctor on call says he's going to be okay."
"He sure is," the doctor said as he walked into the room. "It'll take more than a stroke to stop this old cantankerous fart."
The doctor's bedside manner would have startled Kate if it wasn't for the fact that she'd known the man her entire life. Dr. Benjamin Reed was one of her father's oldest friends and the two of them poked fun at each other constantly.
"He's going to need to stay here with me for a few days," Dr. Reed said. "After that, he may need a little physical therapy. Although it probably won't help his pitiful golf swing." Dr. Reed patted Mr. Warner's leg and the two exchanged a friendly laugh.
"See. I'm okay," Mr. Warner repeated again as he reached up with his strong arm to brush the tears away from Kate's eyes. "I'm okay."
Chapter 17
"I don't think I should go to Florida tomorrow," Dana whispered to her mother as the two of them sat next to Mr. Warner's bedside later that evening.
Coach Thompson brought Dana to the hospital straight from softball practice as soon as Kate called her about Mr. Warner's stroke.
"No. You're going to Florida," Mr. Warner chimed in. Clearly, the stroke hadn't damaged his hearing. "I'm okay," he said slowly focusing on pronouncing each word. "And I don't want you to miss your trip."
Mr. Warner's speech may have been slurred but his emphasis was clear.
"Okay, Daddy. I'll make sure she goes." Kate patted her father's hand and then looked at Dana assuredly.
Christmas All Around Us ; The Perfect Time for Love ; Playing for Keeps Page 47
