by Lauren Wood
“So, are you finally going to tell us why you've been moping around here for the last month?”
It was Mom that asked the question and it was a bit frustrating to hear it, because I figured she already knew the answer. She knew that I had told him who I was, and it wouldn't be that hard to imagine that I was upset when I never heard anything about it again.
“Let's just say that I confessed to Chris that we had a kid together.”
“She left it in an email.”
I gave her a dirty look. “Thanks, Mom. I think I got it from here.”
“Obviously, you don't have it.”
I stopped and shook my head for a moment. How had I forgotten how different my mom was when she had a bit too much to drink? It was better if I didn't call her out.
I looked over at Eve.
“Yeah, she's right. I left it in an email, because I guess I was afraid of what he would say. I told him that it was up to him how he wanted to go about it and that he should call me if he wanted to meet Emily, if he wanted to talk about it anymore. I just kind of laid it all out there and am now waiting for his response.”
“And?”
She looked hopeful and it frustrated me for a moment, because I knew that I had looked and felt that way not too long ago. That was when I thought that there was a chance of it all turning out right. That silly notion had been gone for a while though. I knew better now.
“And I have heard nothing. I guess it’s getting to me now. I really thought that he would call and at least ask questions. Something. I didn't think that what he would do is just pretend like it never happened. I don't know. I probably shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I tried not to, but I guess I did.”
“There is nothing wrong with wanting to have faith in someone.”
The thing was, I knew that they were trying to help. Both of them. But the problem was, there really was no good answer. There was nothing to be said that would make me feel like everything was alright. It wasn't. And it felt like maybe it never would be again.
A little bit more wine and I wasn't as upset about it. There was a part of me that still believed it could somehow work out. Maybe that's what bothered me the most. After everything, all of the nonsense that we had done to ourselves, none of it mattered. I was still just as alone, and Emily was still without a father. My time in the city had done more harm than good.
Now, I was once again thinking about Chris, and I didn't know if I was going to recover as quickly this time. Last time I had a pregnancy and then a baby to focus on. It helped me keep things on track, but this time was different. This time I was heartbroken. Shattered even. How was I supposed to go on pretending that it didn't bother me? Usually I could put a brave face on through it all, but this time seemed harder than usual.
I was the first to say that it was time for bed. It was late and talking to them had made things worse. It made me communicate in words how I felt and that just left a bitter taste in my mouth. Why hadn't he at least called to ask about her? He could have done something. Even if it was to say that he wanted nothing to do with us, it would have been better than silence.
Okay, maybe not that, but almost anything else would have been better.
20
Chris
The wedding day was finally here and the last thing I wanted to do was go down the aisle and marry Cynthia. Although we had had a few moments of humanity together, it certainly wasn't enough to base a marriage off of. Marriage wasn’t supposed to feel like this.
There was guilt behind my relationship with Cynthia. The guilt was not enough to change the situation now. I knew what had to be done and instead of trying to get out of it, I just had to move forward. I kept telling myself that it would all be over soon and then I would be able to get back to my real life.
My real life was going to include finding Madeline. I had a lot of questions for her but in reality, the answers didn't matter. I just wanted to see her again. I wanted to feel the way I had when we were together.
Because I was so worried about being late to my own wedding, I ended up being early instead. By the time I got to the church, there were only a few people there. Cynthia wasn't there yet and against tradition, I wanted to see her before the wedding. I don't know exactly what I wanted to do or what I expected to get out of it, just that I thought that we needed another moment of humanity to get us through the day. This was going to be a big wedding with a lot of big names, and I was already exhausted just thinking about it. Maybe I was hoping that I would calm down some, if I talked to her first. It was a strange notion, considering how flaky she could be or had been in the past, but things were different now.
I went back to her parents’ house and found it about as empty as the church was. I went up to her room after nobody answered the door. I called out her name, hoping she was somewhere in the sprawling house. I never did like this place and I wanted to get out of here.
Pushing the door in quickly showed that she wasn't there, but I was curious. I had never been inside her room alone before and it was all strange to me. Why had I not realized how neat she was? It was almost to the point of some obsessive compulsive tendencies at the very least. Everything was perfectly in place and I could imagine now how she was going to react when she saw the sight of my place after a long weekend. It could get downright scary to a woman like her.
Walking up to her vanity, there were so many different bottles that I picked several out. I didn't know what any of them did, but it amazed me that women could create completely different creatures of themselves from the one that greeted a man in the morning. Cynthia certainly had her fair share of makeup, and I tried to think back to a time when I had seen her without any on. I can honestly say that I couldn’t remember even one time.
I didn’t even know what she really looked like and none of it mattered. I just kept telling myself that, because it was the truth. This was not personal, this was business, and I needed to stop worrying about it because of my likes or dislikes.
I was about to leave when something caught my eye. It was a printed piece of paper that looked like it had been folded and unfolded multiple times, until it had permanent creases in it. The reason that it stood out so much in my mind was because of a name that was printed there. It mentioned Madeline and of course, I had to continue reading to find out what it was about.
I quickly realized that it wasn't about Madeline, but from Madeline. It was supposed to go to me, but somehow my fiancée had gotten ahold of it instead. She had found it somehow and kept it from me. Not only had she known about me and Madeline, but also that we had a child together.
Red-hot anger was the first feeling, more of a knee jerk reaction, but soon other thoughts started to flood in. Nerves and worry were definitely new and overwhelming. I had a kid. Not only was I about to get married to another woman, but the one I wanted had my child.
I read and reread the email several times, sure that the words were going to be different and I had just been reading what I wanted. There was no way that it could be so perfect. I had thought that Madeline was the girl from small-town Hartville, but I hadn't been sure. It was a heavy drinking night and my memory was still a bit shaky on the evening. I remember very clearly the good time, but none of the details. It was always just a feeling with Madeline. It was the same feeling that I had for her now.
I was trying to wrap my head around it. I had a kid. It was something that I always saw in the future, but I wasn’t old enough. If I was going to have a kid with anyone, I’m glad it was Madeline. Now she had no reason to deny us. It was all so perfect.
I heard Cynthia somewhere in the house and even though I was there to talk to her, I knew that talking to her wasn’t an option now. She had lied about everything, very important things, and I couldn't face her at the moment. If I did, it wasn't going to be very productive.
I felt betrayed, even though in reality I was the betrayer. I was the one that was trying to marry her for all the wrong reasons and maybe just maybe, it wa
s my karmic retaliation. I had meant to betray her and instead, I had lost the only chance I had with Madeline and my child. How would I get her to believe that I just found out about it? She was not going to be happy and even if I could get her to agree to see me, she wasn't going to be too interested in a married man. She had made herself perfectly clear about it before.
All the questions were running around in my head and before I could think about it, I was just leaving. As much as I had promised Cynthia that I wouldn't be late for the wedding, I knew that I would be. Truth was, I wasn't even going to be there. I had a long trip ahead of me, at which time I was hopeful that I would figure out some kind of plan.
I always knew that it would be Madeline.
21
Cynthia
When I got to the church, my groom was not there. A couple of people told me that Chris had been there, but then he had taken off again. I didn't know where he had gone, until I got a call from someone at my house. He had been there not too long ago, too, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to understand what had happened. Chris had found the letter from Madeline and he was going to go find her. Which meant that he wasn't going to be at the wedding.
I should have let it go, I guess. I should have just said that it was obviously what was supposed to happen. There would be no love lost in not marrying him, and I knew the same was felt by Chris. It was a marriage of convenience at the best of times. It was a matter of contention at the worst.
I wasn't the type of person to let things go though. Instead of leaving with my pride somewhat intact, instead, I did what I always do. I went to my father and told him to fix it. It was quite surprising how good that method had worked in the past. I really needed it to work now.
When I told him that Chris wasn't there, he told me not to worry about it.
“I know that you're worried and this is your first marriage, but don't worry about it. He'll be there.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because their family needs the deal to go through. I have looked at their accounts. Trust me, they need us more than we need them.”
“Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to this.”
“You're helping the family and just because it isn't going quite the way we wanted it to, doesn't mean that it won't turn out the right way in the end.”
I paused for a moment, trying to figure out a way to tell him what was really going on, that wouldn’t make him terribly mad at me. I just blurted it out. I never was good at elegance. In the end, I just liked to lay it all out.
“He's not coming, Dad.”
“How do you know?”
My father was looking at me with a little bit of suspicion. He knew that I had done something, and he was waiting for me to tell him what it was. I didn't want to say it, but I knew that I was going to have to if I wanted his help. I was still under the impression that I needed it.
“Let's just say that I learned some information about his past and I kept it to myself. I think he found out about it and is probably going to blame me for something. It was pretty juicy information, and I probably should have said something.”
“What was it?”
“That he had a child with a woman from a couple years back. She worked with him for a little while. Madeline.”
He shrugged because he did not know who it was.
“Must not be anybody important since I've never even heard about him having a child.”
“That's because he didn't know he had one. He and Madeline only had one night together and then never met again. It was just coincidence that she found him in the city. She confessed that they had a child together, right before she left to go back home because her mother was sick.”
“And you kept it all from him?”
I had actually done even worse than that. I had deleted the email from his email list and made sure that he would never see it. I had sabotaged the whole situation and even now, the only thing I regretted, was that I got caught. If he hadn’t seen it, none of this would have happened. I would be going down the aisle right now and he would be none the wiser. That was probably the best way it could have worked out, but now I had to deal with this.
“Yeah.”
“Well, you did what you thought you had to do. It's not like the two of you have that very strong bond. You probably thought that he would leave you for her. I am not going to say that it was right what you did, Cynthia, but I will say that I understand it. Sometimes we have to go above and beyond for what we want in this life. Do you really want him?”
I agreed wholeheartedly. It wouldn't be the first time that I had had to do so. I didn't realize that Chris was the person that I was supposed to put all that time and energy in, although it did feel that way. And maybe it had nothing to do with Chris and his value to me. Maybe it just had to do with the fact that I didn't want someone else to have him. That was probably more truthful than I was comfortable with.
“So, what are we going to do?”
“Well, we're going to track him down and drag him down the aisle if we have to.”
“What about Madeline?”
“What about her? She is a small-town girl and isn't even on the same level as you, Cynthia. I don't even see why you were threatened by her.”
I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t, but we both knew that I was. Maybe it was her goodness that bothered me the most. When she smiled, she actually believed it. She actually meant it. I can't think of the last time that I could say the same.
“I don't know, there is just some kind of connection between them. They didn't even know why, but it was still there. They still found each other by accident, in the midst of all these people here in the city.”
“You sound like you're giving up.”
I shrugged. I know that Father didn't want to hear that. The last thing he wanted me to do was ever give up, even in the face of any extreme situation. It was always to muddle through and persevere. It might as well be the family crest.
“I'm not giving up. I'm just being realistic. It is always smarter to choose your battles. I just wonder if this one is worth it.”
“It is. We want one of their bisections that is going to skyrocket in the next few months, once a discovery comes out. We will be part of it, and you will marry him, so you need to make it a priority. It is worth it, and if it isn't worth it to you for some reason, it is worth it to me.”
I smiled, though it was once again one of those smiles that wasn't real. I didn't feel it, just like I didn't feel the concern that my father was supposed to have for me. He was so too worried about the plan. He was always worried about the next business deal, but I had to wonder for what. What was he looking for at the top of the mountain?
Either way, it didn't matter. I was being dragged up there with him and I steadied myself. I had to figure out a way to break the two of them up. It shouldn't be that hard to do, since she had so easily done it to me and him.
22
Madeline
“You have to perk up, Madeline. You're just walking around here like a ghost lately.”
I waved mom off and told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She had tried to start the same conversation many times before, but just like now, the last thing I wanted to talk about was Chris. I was just heartbroken. Why couldn't anybody understand that? I was heartbroken and not only for my daughter, but for myself as well. It was a little bit of time that we had spent together that gave me a false hope, and I was particularly mad at myself for even believing it. I knew better.
“It isn't as simple as you think it is.”
“It is. You expected him to call you and he didn't. You think I don't know what heartbreak looks like? I've had my heart broken a time or two.”
I agreed with her. I know that she had suffered the pain at the hands of a man. I think all women have at one point or another. I just wasn't used to it. It was going to take me a little bit longer to get used to being betrayed and hurt.
I brought up another subject o
f my daughter's second birthday coming up very quickly. I wanted to do something great and I was not sure what. I was hoping that mom would have some answers. She usually was good at that sort of thing and hopefully it would get her off my back. If I wanted to be depressed, that's exactly what I was going to be.
I was saved by Emily coming in and wanting to know what we were talking about. She was getting to the curious stage and I had to be more careful of what I said. I didn't want her to overhear something that would confuse her later.
She was enough of a distraction for most of the day. Mom tried to get her to go play a couple of times, but I kept her close. If Emily was around, mom couldn’t ask me questions that I didn't have answers to. If I did, I probably wouldn't have been in the situation I was in. Why couldn’t she see that?
I was just putting Emily down for a nap when I got a phone call. Mom answered and told me that some woman was on the phone for me. The number was from the city, and I couldn't even think of who it would be. It had been a while since I left there.
As soon as I heard the voice on the other end, I knew exactly who it was. I can't say that I liked the sound of her voice, and I had even less of an inclination as to why she was calling me. We certainly had nothing to say to each other.
“Hello. This is Madeline.”
“Hi, Madeline. This is...”
“I know who this is. What can I do for you?”
“It's not what you can do for me, it’s what I can do for you. I hear that you and Chris have a child together. Now, I know that you wanted him to call you, but he doesn't want to. I felt bad to leave you hanging like that for all that time, so I thought I would call and see what it is that we can do for you. Maybe there is some money that is needed?”
