Not right now, though. Right now I was ice. I was a statue. I was the cold heartless cheerleader I’ve been touted to be. Right now—
“You are insane, you know that, right?” Allie was glaring down at me so fiercely I blinked up at her in surprise. Kyle was nowhere to be seen so apparently he’d gone off to get Allie a drink or something.
“What do you mean?” My tone still had that distant quality to it, like I could hear my voice coming from afar but it wasn’t me talking. I was in a cave somewhere. Someplace remote and cool and hard and sheltered and lovely.
No, lonely.
Lonely, but lovely.
Allie flopped down onto the couch beside me with a loud sigh. “I can’t believe you.”
I looked over at her without much interest, to be honest. It seemed Allie was forever annoyed about something, and right now it happened to be me. “What did I do now?”
She twisted so she was facing me. “It’s not what you did, it’s what you didn’t do.”
My brows drew together in confusion. “Okay,” I drawled. “What didn’t I do?”
She huffed again, crossing her arms as she studied me. “What’s wrong with you?”
I shrugged. Oh nothing. Just had my heart broken by the one guy I thought I could trust. No big whoop.
“I thought you were finally starting to grow a pair,” she said, her voice too loud and the phrase so crass that the crowd around us turned to look and giggle before resuming their conversations. Allie didn’t seem to notice.
I was still staring at her, waiting for her to make her point so she could move on and talk to someone else, and leave me in peace.
“Seriously,” she said. “I was really starting to think that you were growing up, getting stronger…” She flailed her hands. “I thought you were growing a freakin’ spine already.”
I blinked at her, which made her growl. That was the only way I could describe the sound of frustration she made in her throat. It was totally a growl.
“Why are you growling at me?”
“Because…because…” She dropped her head back. “Because I care about you, Rosalie. You’re one of my best friends and you know I always have your back, but I can’t take it when you do…this.”
She jabbed a finger into my arm.
“Ow!” She didn’t apologize as I rubbed the sore spot which would surely bruise. “What was that for?”
“You need to wake up,” she said, her voice rising to be heard over the crowd and the music. When she reached over and pinched me, I smacked her hand.
“Ouch! Seriously, Allie, what are you doing?” My own voice was rising now because…ouch! She’d seriously hurt me.
Allie crossed her arms, looking not only not repentant, but downright stubborn with her chin stuck out like that. “There,” she said.
“There what?” I asked. “What are you even talking about?”
Allie lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Yell at me all you want, I don’t care. I’d rather you be angry then shut down on us again.”
“What?”
“She has a point.” Erika sank down on my other side, but rather than pinching me she gave me a sympathetic little smile that somehow hurt more than all of Allie’s pinching.
“What do you mean, she’s right?” I demanded. “I don’t even know what you guys are talking about.”
Erika winced. “You tend to…I don’t know…run away to avoid getting hurt.”
“No, she doesn’t run,” Allie said. “She hides.” To me, she added, “You totally hide away inside of yourself, and don’t even try to deny it. You shut down and you don’t let anyone in…not even us and we’re your best friends.”
I widened my eyes in surprise because I’d never heard Allie get so genuinely worked up about anything, least of all me or our friendship.
Erika ignored her outburst which told me louder than words that this was a conversation the two of them had already had. They’d talked about me before, and Erika was obviously familiar with Allie’s beef with me.
“She’s just frustrated,” Erika explained. “Because it seemed like this year you were starting to come out of your shell after all that ugliness with Danny and the breakup.”
Allie nodded vehemently. “We could understand that you were hurt, between Danny’s stupid nicknames and the rumors placing all the blame on you…that was a tough deal, and we got that.”
I braced myself for the ‘but’ that was clearly coming, knowing I didn’t want to hear it, but also knowing that there was truth to what she was saying. I’d known that I’d closed myself off after last year’s drama, but I hadn’t realized that they’d noticed…or that Allie had even cared.
“But you’ve been acting different lately,” Erika said. “You seemed like maybe you were starting to be the strong chick we’d only caught glimpses of freshman and sophomore year.” Erika nudged my arm a bit as she said this and softened it with a smile.
Allie was clearly cast in the role of bad cop because she crossed her arms again and scowled. “What happened to you, Rosalie? You were just starting to be brave, and now…what? You’re going to sit here in the corner and pretend you don’t exist?”
Erika leaned in toward me so her arm was pressed to mine. “You want to talk about it?”
Allie ignored her and didn’t even give me a chance to speak. “You were so awesome at the diner last week,” she said. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to stand up for yourself with Danny?”
I blinked, honestly shocked by that. “You have?”
I’d always known she and Erika had my back during the breakup, but I’d assumed that was because I was keeping quiet and not causing drama or making anyone choose sides. I’d sort of thought that if it came down to ditching me or offending Danny, they’d go with him.
But they hadn’t. They were still by my side, after the diner and after—
“And tonight,” Erika interjected. “You were so awesome tonight. I mean, I’ve seriously been dying to hear you tell Danny that it’s over once and for all.”
“And to tell the world that the loser is your boyfriend? That was amazing.” Allie’s voice was filled with excitement even as she called him a loser.
I opened my mouth to protest. He’s not a loser. But I stopped myself just in time. Maybe he wasn’t loser, but he was something worse. Far worse. He was just like Danny, wanting me not for who I was but for what I represented. Only wanting me for the status symbol I could give him or the ego boost when he could turn around and say he’d been the one to make the ice queen fall in love.
Love. Was that what this was?
No. It couldn’t be.
I found myself holding my breath at the thought and let it out slowly, hoping to calm the racing in my chest.
“But now…” Allie was eyeing me with a slow, sad shake of her head. “What’s happened to that kickbutt girl? Why are you over here hiding away, acting like you don’t care that when you obviously got into it with that loser?”
“Stop calling him a loser.” I clamped my mouth shut. Why was I defending him? They could call him whatever they wanted. He wasn’t my boyfriend; he wasn’t even my friend.
“What happened?” Erika asked, her tone much softer and kinder than Allie’s. “You seemed like you were really into him and then you just walked away from him like a robot.”
I stared at her, willing her to understand. But of course she didn’t. Erika hadn’t heard what he’d said, only seen their brief interaction.
Someone probably heard. It was just a matter of time before the gossip spread through the party and reached her friends.
“What did he say to you?” Allie demanded. “What did he do?”
“Nothing,” I said out of instinct. Not like I was protecting him or anything, just…I didn’t want to get into it.
“Nothing, huh? So that’s why you’re sitting here looking like an automaton?” Allie said. Her brows furrowed. “Look, if he hurt you in some way I will kick his butt for you if that’s w
hat you need.”
“I don’t need that,” I said quickly. Too quickly. Why couldn’t they just leave me in peace? I was doing just fine sitting here not thinking about Conner, not replaying every touch, every talk, every kiss.
Only one kiss, really. One that I’d initiated…after I’d invited him to homecoming. I drew in a quick breath as humiliation washed over me. “I am such an idiot.”
Erika squeezed my hand. “Hon, don’t mind Allie, we’re just worried about you. If you could just tell us what he did—”
“He didn’t do anything,” I said. “I did. I was the idiot who trusted a complete stranger.”
They were both frowning at me now, waiting for me to explain. I gave a little shake of my head as I exhaled. “Look, it’s not that big a deal. I just thought he actually liked me and…and I was wrong.”
After a brief silence, Allie surprised me by laughing. She clapped a hand over her mouth when I glared at her. “Sorry, sorry,” she said. “But do you really expect us to believe that the new guy doesn’t like you?”
Erika’s lips were twitching suspiciously as she exchanged a look with Allie and then back to her. “Yeah, sorry but…I don’t think so.”
I sniffed, annoyed that I had to spell it out. “He was only into me because of a bet.”
They continued to stare at me until I was shifting on the couch cushions in discomfort.
“I don’t buy it,” Erika said.
“Nope,” Allie added. “Me neither.”
“He told me so himself.”
They still stared at me blankly until Erika said, “What else did he say?”
I shifted, looking down. What else? I wasn’t even sure. I couldn’t even hear him after that.
“There’s no way that guy isn’t totally into you,” Allie said. “I mean, I was pissed at him for telling Lars you asked him to homecoming, but even I was impressed with the way he showed up here tonight.”
My head snapped up in surprise. Allie was rarely impressed by anyone, or if she was she never admitted it.
“Seriously,” Erika added. “It took some major courage to show up here to make things right with you when he had to know he wasn’t welcome.” She looked around pointedly at Danny’s house, at his friends.
Uncomfortable as it was to admit, I’d sort of forgotten about the fact that I’d been worried about him less than a half hour ago. I found myself searching for him now to…what? Make sure he was all right?
I shouldn’t care what had become of him. He was gone, out of my life. The thought hurt so badly I couldn’t face it. Not now when there were people here watching me. I wasn’t about to lose it in front of my friends and classmates. Instead, I thought of white space, I imagined walls coming up around me, I let myself find comfort in that place where nothing could touch me. “It doesn’t matter,” I said, my voice sounding far away even to my own ears. “I’m over him.”
“Ugh, there she goes again,” Allie said to Erika.
Erika gave me a rueful smile. “You are doing that thing you do again.”
“What thing?” But their words had already ruined it.
“Hiding in plain sight,” Allie said. “I thought you were through with that. I was so proud of you, becoming fierce chick with a spine and a mind of her own and then…poof! All that excellent progress thrown out the window.”
I stared at her like she’d grown a second head. “You were…proud of me?”
Allie shrugged, not quite meeting my eyes. “Yeah. Why? I’m allowed to be proud of my friend when she gets all strong or whatever.”
She ended with a mumble but I caught enough. I caught the word ‘strong.’ Funny how I’d never once thought of myself that way until Conner had used that word to describe me. No one had seen me that way until I’d seen it in myself, but it had taken Conner to point it out. To see what no one else had seen.
He’d seen the best in me.
At least, that was what I’d thought before. And now? Well, now…who knew what he’d actually meant and what he’d just said to get close. To make me like him. Suddenly, like a switch was flipped, I wanted to know. I needed to know what was real and what wasn’t, how much of what he’d said I could believe…if anything. I twisted in my seat, trying to peer through the crowds to spot Conner’s familiar frame, his faded t-shirt and ripped up jeans sure to stick out in this sea of soon-to-be frat boys.
“He left.” I didn’t even realize I said it out loud—or that my voice could even sound that pathetic—but there it was. I was sad that he’d left.
Why? I didn’t know. I’d stopped making sense to myself a while ago.
“No, he’s still here,” Erika said.
I swiveled my head so quickly, my hair whipped Erika in the face. “He is? Where? I don’t see him.”
Erika’s brows arched so high, they were nearly lost in her hairline. “What was that you were saying about being over him?”
I let out a loud sigh. “Fine. Maybe I’m not over him…yet. But I will be.”
“Uh huh.” Allie sounded thoroughly unconvinced and completely unimpressed by my bold statement.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure I believed myself. I’d stupidly gone and fallen for Conner, and I’d fallen hard. It wasn’t even close to what I’d felt for Danny, which had been a mix of gratitude and awe. I’d been so grateful that he’d chosen me…and then, so very in awe of his larger than life personality. The confidence he’d worn like armor.
Now I knew better. His confidence was just as real as my icy demeanor. Which was to say…it wasn’t real at all. Just a way of hiding our insecurities, covering up our weaknesses. Like Allie said, it was our way of hiding in plain sight.
But I’d never hidden from Conner. Or rather—I’d always felt like he’d seen me despite my best efforts to hide.
And him? A little voice nagged at me. Do you see him?
“I swear, if you don’t start talking out loud I’m going to start reading your diary,” Allie said.
I blinked at her in surprise. “I don’t keep a diary.”
She sighed. “You missed my point.”
No. I hadn’t. She wanted me to open up to them, but neither of them understood how hard that was for me. Sure, I’d told them some of the stuff going on at home and they knew about the breakup with Danny, but both of those instances I’d waited to talk to them until I knew I had my emotions under control. They’d never seen me weak, or vulnerable…they’d never seen me heartbroken.
But they were both watching me, waiting for me to speak. I cleared my throat. “I just…I was thinking that I thought I knew him.”
“Maybe you did,” Erika said.
I bit my lip and shook my head. “Clearly not if he was only talking to me to win a stupid bet.”
“Guys do stupid things all the time,” Allie said with a knowing air that had Erika rolling her eyes and making me smile. “You’ll be alone forever if you don’t figure out what’s forgivable and what’s not.”
“And what’s forgiveable?” I asked.
“That’s up to you,” she said. “For me, cheating is not negotiable. Kyle could come crawling back to me on his knees but I wouldn’t take him back. But making a stupid mistake before he actually knew me…?” She shrugged.
“And owning up to it?” Erika added.
They were both giving me an expectant look and I sighed wearily, hating the way their words were getting to me, giving me a flicker of hope. I didn’t want hope. Hope led to more pain…at least, it could.
“What if he’s lying about other things?” I said.
“What if he’s not?” Erika said.
I stared at her. “Whose side are you on?”
“Yours, stupid,” Allie answered for her, sinking back into the seat beside me. She pulled out her phone out of sheer habit, no doubt, but the rudeness of it annoyed me all the same. I mean, we were talking about my life here, at her request, no less. “Do you mind?” I said. “I’m kind of having a crisis over here.”
She flashed me a w
icked smile. “See? Now there’s the attitude I love.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Relax, Rosalie, I’m looking to see what they’re saying about you.”
“What who’s saying?”
“Everyone,” Erika answered.
For the first time since Conner had spilled his little secret it occurred to me that this could make me look bad. I held back a sigh. What did I care? Honestly at this point, what was one more rumor? I was starting to lose track of who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be upset about with these people. Someone really needed to give me my script.
I rubbed at my temples at the thought of all the lies and the rumors and the images and the acting… I was exhausted by it all, and at this particular moment is was hard to tell the truth from the lies.
“What are they saying?” I asked, steeling myself for the worst. If everyone thought it was hilarious that the ice queen had begged the new drug-addict-homeless-loser-from-juvie to be her homecoming date, just wait until they found out that she’d been the butt of a joke from the start.
I wished I could care. Honestly, I wished there was any part of me that cared what they were all saying about me.
But all I cared about was Conner. The fact that he’d hurt me. Compared to that, what my classmates thought about me didn’t even hold a candle.
Allie’s laughter jarred me from my misery. “What is it?”
She looked so gleeful I had a hard time imagining it was at my expense. Still…not knowing what she was looking at was torture. I turned to see Erika already whipping out her own phone to see. “I don’t believe it,” she said.
Okay, the fact that she was now laughing assuaged some of my concern. Allie loved me, I knew she did, but I wouldn’t put it past her to have a laugh at my expense. Now, Erika on the other hand…
“There is a rumor going around about you,” Erika said. “But it’s not the one you think.”
I held out my hand for her phone and saw a text exchange unfolding before my eyes. The long and short? According to Lars—who was always hated but never wrong—the new loser had besmirched the ice queen’s name when he’d lied about me asking him to homecoming.
But that wasn’t the part that was making my friends crack up.
Charming the Cheerleader (The Bet Duet Book 1) Page 13
