“Of course I’m serious.”
The look of surprise turned to pity, and James backed away shaking his head. That was when Tyler knew he’d made a huge mistake.
“It’s just sex, Tyler. I already have a partner. This”—he gestured between the two of them—“doesn’t mean anything.”
Tyler swallowed, his mouth uncomfortably dry. He’d give anything for a drink. As if reading his mind, Jack tapped him on the arm, and when Tyler glanced down, he saw a bottle of water being handed to him. “Thanks.” He took it and downed half of it in one go. He’d only told Jack half the story, and he steeled himself to carry on. “To say he was surprised would be an understatement.”
Jack’s soft sigh sounded closer still, and Tyler felt a ghost of breath across the back of his neck.
“I take it he didn’t feel the same?”
The harsh laugh bubbled out before Tyler could stop it. “Nope.” He fiddled with the bottle top, finally screwing it back into place. “I don’t think he felt anything. Not even regret. He told me he was already involved with someone, and I told him to go.”
And he’d gone without so much as a backward glance. When Tyler had looked around his house afterwards, intent on getting rid of all traces, he’d realised there actually weren’t any to get rid of. He’d been so blind to what was going on because he’d wanted so badly for it to be true, for James to feel the same way about him. That and James was a lying bastard with no conscience, apparently.
“Christ,” Jack muttered, still standing close behind him. “This is not how I thought our afternoon would pan out.”
Tyler smiled despite feeling shit. “You don’t say.”
Strong arms wrapped around Tyler’s waist. He flinched at the contact but Jack was a solid weight behind him holding him in place. “I’m sorry.” The words were no more than a whisper next to Tyler’s ear.
“What for?”
Jack set his chin on Tyler’s shoulder and rested their heads together. Tyler didn’t try to shake him off, but he remained rigid in Jack’s arms while anger and embarrassment warred inside him.
“For reacting like a judgemental dick.”
Tyler said nothing at first. What could he say? Jack had acted exactly like that, and Tyler wasn’t about to tell him it was okay because it fucking well wasn’t. He let out a long breath, and some of his frustration went with it as he attempted to see things from Jack’s point of view. “I know my situation must be hard for you to understand or sympathise with, considering what happened to you. But I didn’t know James was involved with someone else. I didn’t willingly break up a relationship.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“Do you? Because for a while there, you seemed pretty fucking sure I was an arsehole.”
Christ, he needed to calm down. They’d get nowhere like this. Had it only been a week—no, eight days since he’d met Jack? They’d covered so much in their time together that it seemed a lot longer. They were rushing this, and Tyler needed to pull back, get some perspective. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself again. Not that Jack was anything like James. Well, he hadn’t thought so….
Jack squeezed him gently, bringing him out of his thoughts. “I’m sorry. It’s just… I’ve spent so long hating the men Simon was involved with because it was easier that way. Hearing you say you were in a similar situation brought it all back. I don’t know if Simon was truthful or not with the men he fucked, and to be honest, I don’t want to think about them. I can’t.”
Tyler put his hands on top of Jack’s. “I never said you had to. I just wanted you to hear me out and try to understand how being put in that position made me feel so fucking awful. He deceived me as well, but I still felt like the bad guy.”
They lapsed into silence again. Tyler understood why Jack had reacted so badly. Maybe he would have been the same in his shoes? But it hurt, and Tyler had all sorts of mixed emotions vying for attention. How did they move on from this? Did he still want to? Did Jack? They didn’t have a solid relationship to fall back on; they were starting out and looking likely to fail at the first hurdle. Without realising he was doing it, Tyler relaxed back into Jack’s embrace, seeking comfort.
Jack held him tighter. His lips grazed the side of Tyler’s neck as he spoke, causing a shiver to race down Tyler’s spine. “Have I fucked this up?”
Tyler bit his lip. Part of him wanted to say “Yes, you have, you judgemental twat.”
But that was only a small part of him, getting smaller the longer Jack held him close as though frightened to let him go. As Tyler’s anger drained out of him and his emotions settled, he could see how they’d both reacted with knee-jerk responses. Having this conversation was never going to be easy, and maybe they’d approached it all wrong, but neither of them could have known their break-up stories would have so much in common. In hindsight, maybe Tyler should have guessed about Jack’s.
He fucking hated hindsight.
Was he prepared to give up on Jack altogether because of it? No. The decision came easy in the end. Twining his fingers with Jack’s, he leaned into him more and finally let his tension go with a deep breath in and then out. “No. You haven’t fucked things up.”
Jack sagged behind him, and then Tyler was being manhandled into turning around.
With his hands on Tyler’s jaw, Jack slowly leaned in to kiss him, giving Tyler time to stop him if he wanted to.
He didn’t want to. As Jack’s lips met his, Tyler grabbed Jack’s hips and held on tight, digging his fingers in hard.
“I’m sorry.” Jack whispered the words between kisses. “Let’s not talk about exes anymore.” He sighed and leaned his forehead against Tyler’s.
Tyler closed his eyes and nodded. “Sounds like a good idea.”
He wanted to forget about this afternoon, but a bitter aftertaste lingered. Jack’s reaction had touched a raw nerve and it would take a while for Tyler to let it go. All he wanted now was to go home. An evening at Jack’s house had seemed so appealing just hours before, but now it was the last place Tyler wanted to go. He might not want to end things between them, but he did need some space. Hopefully, Jack would understand.
Jack stepped back and met his gaze with uncertainty written all over his face. “Do you want to head back?”
“Yeah.” Tyler turned and looked out over the gorge.
What a shame their day had ended so badly. Being out in the fresh air on such a lovely day had been great. It had been ages since Tyler had taken the time to do something like this, and he’d forgotten how much he enjoyed it.
“Are you still staying for dinner?”
Jack sounded resigned as he said it, and when Tyler looked back at him, his expression said he knew what the answer was going to be.
“No.” Although it was what he needed to do, Tyler still felt shitty saying it, and part of him wanted to stay with Jack and try to salvage their evening. But some of his earlier anger remained, sitting there under the surface, and Tyler didn’t want them to fall out later over something trivial. He rubbed at his forehead, thinking of the best way to explain his feelings.
Just be honest.
“I’m still angry at you. And I need to go home and be by myself for a bit. Do you understand?”
Jack managed a wry smile. “Yeah, all too well. I think you’re absolutely right. If I’m honest, I’m still upset about the whole thing too. Some space will do us both good.”
When he met Tyler’s gaze this time, the open vulnerability made something in Tyler’s chest tighten.
Jack said quietly, “I don’t want this to be over, but if this is your way of letting me down gently, then I’d rather you came out and said it.”
“No, I’m not…. I still want to see you again.” The thought of ending things sent a wave of panic through Tyler, reaffirming what he already knew. “Just… not now.”
To Tyler’s surprise, Jack let out a huff of laughter and then smiled at him.
“Fair enough.” Jack gestured back at the
path they’d come down. “Shall we?”
Tyler smiled back at him. “Lead the way.”
The walk back to the car wasn’t as relaxed and easy-going as the walk from it had been, but the tension had ebbed enough for a comfortable silence to settle between them. If anything, Tyler felt relief at getting all that shit out in the open. Everything had been so great up until today; Tyler had almost been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Today had been rough, and they’d both felt hurt, but if they could get through this after such a short time together, then surely that boded well for their future? This had been a pretty big issue to deal with, but surprisingly they were still talking, still making plans.
That had to mean something.
Chapter Nine
Once back at the car, Jack reached into his rucksack and pulled out the two chocolate bars he’d packed and handed one to Tyler. “I’d planned on stopping at one of the viewpoints with these, but….”
Tyler took the chocolate.
“Look.” Jack leaned against the car, eyes focused on his boots as he spoke. “I know today was a bust, but I don’t want to leave it until next weekend to see you again.”
They’d both said they weren’t ready to call it a day yet, but if you let too much time pass, things had a tendency to fizzle out. He was thinking about himself as much as Tyler.
Tyler’s explanation about his break-up had thrown Jack. All the hurt and anger from the last eight months reared its ugly head and he’d spoken without thinking, without stopping to listen to what Tyler was saying. He was still struggling to wrap his head around it and see things from Tyler’s point of view, but did he need to? Couldn’t they accept that shit things had happened to both of them and move on? Tyler said he hadn’t known his boyfriend was already involved with someone. As hard as Jack found that to believe, he also thought Tyler was telling the truth.
Jack had only known Tyler for a week, but already he felt that connection, that desire to be with him. After Simon, he never thought he’d find someone else he wanted to spend time with, not so soon, anyway. Could he afford to pass up another chance at happiness because of something that happened in Tyler’s past? Call him cynical, but Jack wasn’t convinced you got many bites at the cherry. Their next few dates might be awkward, but he was confident they’d get past it.
He glanced up to find Tyler watching him—dark blue eyes framed by thick black lashes. Tyler had lovely eyes, and Jack stared back until it dawned on him that something was missing. “Why aren’t you wearing your glasses?”
Tyler blinked at him, looking confused. “What?”
Jack had meant to ask him if he was free for lunch this week, but he’d suddenly realised Tyler hadn’t worn his glasses since that first Saturday. “I haven’t seen you wear them since we met at the pub.”
“Oh.” Tyler ran a hand through his hair; twin spots of colour appeared high on his cheeks. “I usually wear my contacts. I was in a bit of a panic that night and forgot.”
Shit, now Jack had made him self-conscious. “I liked them.”
Tyler looked dubious. “Really? I’m pretty sure they make me look even nerdier than usual.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and glanced down at the ground.
“Maybe they do.” He smiled when Tyler looked up again. “But I like the nerdy look.”
A smile slowly spread across Tyler’s face as he studied Jack, obviously trying to figure out if he was winding him up or not. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Tyler grinned then, his shoulders relaxing for the first time since they’d argued, and Jack knew letting Tyler slip through his fingers was the last thing he wanted to do.
“Are you free for lunch this week? Or dinner maybe?”
Jack tried not to come across as desperate, but he needed to get something arranged, for his peace of mind if nothing else. Suddenly it was imperative they made plans to see each other again.
“Um.” Tyler frowned in thought, and Jack got a feeling it wasn’t going to happen. “Shit, I can’t. I’m on a course in St Albans from Tuesday to Friday this week. Me and Aaron are driving down tomorrow lunchtime.”
“Oh.”
Tyler seemed as pissed off about it as Jack felt, so that was something. Jack ignored the niggling doubt in the back of his mind, telling him this was a brush-off.
“What about Friday night?” Tyler bit his lip, and the hopeful expression erased Jack’s growing insecurities.
He needed to stop thinking the worst all the time. Not everyone lied. “Won’t you be back late?”
Tyler shook his head. “No, the course should finish about two, so we’ll be home by half past four, depending on traffic.”
Jack smiled. “Would you like to come to mine for dinner? We could watch a film, or go out to the pub after? Whatever you fancy.”
“I’d like that. Dinner, that is.” Tyler smiled back, and Jack wasn’t sure if he’d imagined the heat in his gaze. “We can decide later what to do after we’ve eaten.”
Imagined or not, Jack felt an answering rush of heat low in his belly. He cleared his throat and stood up straight. “Sounds good.”
Tyler fished his keys out of his pocket and opened the car. “Ready to head back?”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
With no traffic on the roads, they arrived back in good time. Tyler pulled up outside Jack’s building and put the handbrake on, but he didn’t turn the engine off. Jack was a little disappointed but not surprised. Tyler had already said he wasn’t stopping for dinner, so it stood to reason he would drop Jack off and then leave.
Jack undid his seat belt and shifted to face Tyler. “I’m sorry today didn’t turn out as planned.”
Tyler sighed, but he didn’t seem angry anymore. “Me too. But in a way, I’m glad it turned out like it did. At least now everything’s out in the open. No more nasty surprises.”
“Yes. I guess that’s true.” Jack wanted to kiss him goodbye, end the day on a happy note, but he was unsure how well that would be received. He leaned a little closer, then hesitated. God, this dating business was hard work; he hated not knowing what was expected of him.
Thankfully, Tyler seemed oblivious to Jack’s internal struggle and moved to kiss him softly on the lips, as though there’d never been any doubt that it would happen. “I’ll see you Friday.”
“I’m looking forward to it.” Jack opened his door and got out, ducking back in at the last minute. “Text me if you like, let me know how it’s going.”
Now he did sound desperate, and he snapped his mouth shut before he could say anything else.
“Okay.”
Jack retreated and shut the car door. He watched Tyler drive away and then headed up the path to his flat, feeling more tired than he’d expected. They hadn’t walked nearly as far as he’d planned, but the afternoon had been mentally draining. Had it always been this hard to start a relationship? Jack didn’t remember having to work at things with Simon in the beginning, but they’d been young when they started out. Nothing to worry about but going out drinking and having sex. Good times.
Now Jack was older, wiser, and carrying a lot more baggage. He hoped it would get easier soon. He was more than ready for the drinking-and-sex part to start. The one taste he’d got at Tyler’s house had rekindled his waning libido, and Jack had woken up with morning wood for the last two days. He would very much like a repeat performance.
After letting himself into his flat, he kicked off his boots and left them by the door. The place seemed emptier than usual. Maybe because he’d been expecting to have company and the fact that he was now alone seemed as if something was missing. Jack shrugged off the feeling, and decided a long hot shower was in order. Maybe a wank if he could muster the energy. Friday seemed ages away, and there was no guarantee he’d get any relief from Tyler then. His hand would have to do for now.
Monday and Tuesday passed surprisingly quickly. Jack was busy at work, which always helped, but for some reason, Wednesday dragged on and on. By the time he met Zena
and Mark for a drink that night, Jack felt as though he’d already worked a full week. He spotted them in the corner of the pub and took his pint over to join them.
“Hey, sorry I’m late.” He took the chair opposite Zena and sat down with a sigh. “God, I’m knackered, and it’s only bloody Wednesday.”
Zena raised one eyebrow, perking up at his words. “Is someone keeping you up late?”
Ugh, if only!
Jack took a long sip of his pint, enjoying making her wait. “No. It’s been a busy week at work, that’s all. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
She huffed, then set her glass of wine on the table. “Seriously, though, I thought you’d be at it like rabbits by now. You’ve seen him what, three times?”
“Four.”
Her eyes widened. “And you’ve still not shagged him?”
Mark choked on his pint and Jack sympathised. Zena had no filter and no respect for personal boundaries.
When Mark groaned into his glass, she added, “Christ, Jack. You’ve been seeing to yourself for months, I thought you’d jump at the chance to get back in the saddle. So to speak.”
Whatever mental image that had conjured up for her, he’d rather not know.
Jack and Mark were used to Zena’s blunt approach, and Jack barely even blushed most days. Today, however, was not one of them, and his cheeks heated as he thought about getting off on Tyler’s sofa.
Like a shark sensing blood in the water, Zena sat forward with a sly smile. “Oh, so you have got back on that horse.”
“Please stop with the equine analogies.”
“Sorry. But I’m excited for you.” She met his gaze, a warm smile now in place, and Jack was helpless to stop his own. She pointed a finger at him, her long red nails looking slightly scary up close. “It’s been a shit few months, and you have no idea how good it is to see you smile.”
He pushed her hand out of his face. “I smile all the time.”
“Not like that.” She kept her hands to herself this time, wrapping one of them around the stem of her wine glass. “Things are going well, I take it?”
Always Another Side Page 9
