Alex inhaled breath, long and painful, thoughts tumbling around her head. If she told them who she was—what she really was—those words could never be taken back. But she was so tired of carrying secrets.
She stared at her still full plate, her barely touched glass, and felt her resistance shatter into tiny pieces. She couldn’t be this alone any more. She just couldn’t. And if she didn’t let in these girls, these amazing resilient women, then she was doomed for sure.
She looked up at the three concerned faces and tried to summon a smile. ‘My name isn’t Alex,’ she said slowly. ‘At least it is now, but I was born Lola Beaumont and I grew up at Blakeley Castle.’
‘But isn’t that where you’ve just been?’ Emilia asked.
Alex nodded.
Amber’s hand tightened on hers. ‘It must have been very difficult,’ she said softly.
And the sympathy in her voice and in the faces of all three of her friends undid Alex. She couldn’t stop the tears gathering in her eyes and falling down her face as she finally told them it all. Every detail of who she was, what had happened—and about Finn.
* * *
‘Here’s your tea.’
Amber handed Alex a steaming mug and Alex accepted it gratefully. They were all back at the house, with Alex placed firmly on the sofa with a blanket and told not to get up.
‘Your Finn sounds like a hottie!’ Harriet had her phone in front of her and now she squealed, holding it up so they could all see the picture she’d found of Finn, looking rugged, surfboard in hand. ‘Oh, he is! Tall, dark and handsome—just the way I like them.’
‘And you an engaged woman,’ Amber scolded her.
Harriet laughed. ‘Deangelo knows I love him completely, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good-looking man when I see one. But, more importantly, he sounds kind. Looking after his nieces the way he does is a wonderful thing, and Hawk has a great reputation as an employer and for its ethos.’
‘He is kind,’ Alex said. ‘He’s a very good man.’
And hot too, she silently agreed.
‘In fact...’ Harriet smiled at her. ‘He sounds like a keeper. Alex, why are you here with us and not with him?’
It was a very good question.
‘I told you. He needs a stable person for the girls. Not someone who has no idea who she really is.’
‘A very wise person once said something to me and I’ve never forgotten it,’ Emilia said, perching on the sofa next to Alex. ‘She said: “If the worst comes to the worst we’re here for you. We’re your family. We’ll pick you up and heal you. But going through life too scared to put yourself out there isn’t living, it’s existing, and you deserve more. We all do.” You told me that this summer, and you were right. Living fully is scary, Alex. It’s much easier to sleepwalk through life. But it sounds to me like Finn woke you up. It’s up to you what you do with your life now, but do you really want any more regrets?’
‘It’s easy to be wise for other people,’ Alex said, but her own words, repeated back to her, resonated through her. ‘It’s not just me. It’s the girls, it’s being found out again, it’s being Lola once more, and the press...’ She shivered. ‘If they’re going to find me I can’t bring that to their door.’
‘So you’re going to hole up here and withstand the siege?’ Harriet asked.
‘I’m hoping there won’t be a siege, but, yes. What else can I do?’
‘What would you tell me to do if I was in your position?’ Amber asked, pulling up a chair to sit opposite, her large green eyes fixed firmly on Alex. ‘I’ve a secret and there’s a good chance it might be discovered. I don’t know if the press will descend tonight, or tomorrow, or next week. All I know is that I am going to spend the next few weeks, months, years in fear. What would you tell me to do?’
‘I’d tell you to own it,’ Alex said reluctantly.
‘How?’
‘I... I would tell you to get your side out first. To find a friendly journalist and offer an exclusive. And to pick a time of year when the news cycles are busy to minimise the exposure.’
‘Like Christmas?’
‘Like Christmas...’
Amber didn’t say anything else. She just waited. Harriet and Emilia sat still and silent as Alex stared at her tea. Amber was absolutely right. Her advice was always to own the story, to control as much of the narrative as possible. And yet here she was, allowing the narrative of her life to be controlled by fear, by what might happen. Finn was right too. Lola would have laughed at the headlines, turned them to her advantage. Alex was hiding from them.
What if there were a middle way? And, more importantly, if there was, was she brave enough to take it?
A phone beeped, breaking the silence, and Emilia got to her feet, pressing a light kiss to Alex’s head. ‘The car is here and Harry and I need to go. It would be lovely to see you and Amber in Armaria, so let me know if you’re coming. But if I were you I’d be on my way to another castle. Think about it, Alex. Merry Christmas, Amber.’
‘I’ll see you both soon. Have a wonderful Christmas.’ Harriet threw her arms around first Amber and then Alex.
The two women left in a flurry of hugs, kisses and ‘Merry Christmases’, leaving Amber and Alex alone in the darkening kitchen, looking at each other.
‘You know what I really want for Christmas?’ Amber said. ‘A nativity scene. Any idea where we can see one?’
Alex stared at her. Could she do it? Go to Blakeley and know she would certainly be unmasked, sooner or later. Risk finding happiness knowing it could end at any time, that there were no guarantees? But, more importantly, could she not? She’d thought there were no second chances. Not for her. But fate—and Finn—had shown her the possibility of a different life. All that was stopping her from taking it was fear. And she was so tired of being afraid.
‘It’s a good thing I know where there is one. Pack your bag, Amber, we have an invitation to a castle this Christmas. But first,’ she said, resolution filling her, ‘I have a phone call to make.’
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
‘ALEX PROMISED SHE’D be here.’ Scarlett’s lower lip wobbled dangerously.
Finn knew how she felt. He still couldn’t believe Alex had packed her bags and left that very night in Austria. No backward look. Uncaring of who she left behind. Again.
Heaving a sigh, Finn pulled at one of the woolly ears adorning Scarlett’s head. ‘She’d be here if she could, Scar. It’s not her fault she has to work.’
‘No one has to work on Christmas Eve apart from Father Christmas and his elves. Oh, and vicars.’
‘Lots of people work over Christmas. Come on, let’s get you backstage. Can you imagine the disaster if we didn’t hear your “baa” at the right moment? The whole play would be ruined.’
Finn watched Scarlett prance ahead. She was never down for too long. She looked adorable in her white fleecy costume with its little woolly tail and pointy ears—and he had no one to share the moment with.
His sister should be here—he’d sent her an invitation and offered to pay her plane fare from wherever she was, but Nicky hadn’t replied. He didn’t know if it was a good or bad sign that the girls never asked about their mother, and nor did they expect to see her. But they did want to see Alex. The thing he had promised himself never to let them do had happened: they had got attached to someone temporary.
And they weren’t the only ones. It wasn’t Nicky he wanted next to him, much as he hoped she’d make an appearance for the girls’ sake, he wanted to share this moment with Alex.
The real question, the question which had been nagging at him for the past two days, was what he was going to do about it. Should he respect Alex’s wish to live a quiet, safe life or do what he wished he’d done ten years ago and go after her? Show her he was hers, always?
So far he hadn’t had any enquiries about the ide
ntity of his temporary PR manager. Maybe Sofia had believed Alex when she’d denied any prior acquaintance, but the truth was bound to come out one day. Wouldn’t it be better for her to be with people who loved her when that happened? Wouldn’t it be better for her to be with people who loved her whatever the future held? Shouldn’t that be how everyone lived?
He looked around the ballroom, filled with laughing, chattering people. It was as unlike the Beaumonts’ famously decadent Christmas Eve parties as a party could be. Instead of the great and the good, the famous and curious, he’d invited the whole village, owners of local businesses and neighbours, plus all his staff, with coaches laid on to take them back to London and Reading and a shuttle bus prepared to do several station runs for those wanting to catch trains back to family. Some people had come dressed up, others were in jeans. There was no dress code, no expectation., All he wanted was to see the ballroom full of seasonal cheer.
At one end of the ballroom a buffet table groaned under the weight of food, while waiters and waitresses circulated with canapés and trays of drinks. A kids’ bar and buffet were in the attached dining hall, along with paid entertainers, to give the adults a chance to relax and their over-excited offspring an opportunity to work off their Christmas Eve energy.
Finn had also arranged for a TV to be set up, with rows of comfortable chairs and beanbags, and a selection of kids Christmas films ready to go. After the nativity play and some carols, the children would have their own party while a band entertained the adults, and the whole thing would finish at eleven to give those who wanted to attend Midnight Mass time to get there.
He’d been planning the event for months. It was his statement as the new owner of the castle, ushering in a new era. He should feel pride at its success, but instead he was just desperately tired. He felt as if he’d let Alex down all over again, that he should have found the right words to make her trust in him, in them.
But if telling her he loved her weren’t the right words then he wasn’t sure what they were. Would she ever be ready to accept love? Would it ever be their time?
With a start he realised that the small stage set at one end of the ballroom was filling with children and that people were beginning to sit in the rows of chairs placed in front. The school choir stood to one side, self-important in their smart cassocks, and the orchestra was nervously tuning up next to them. Right at the front of the stage, standing to one side, was Saffy, white with nerves, biting her lip.
Finn held a hand up to attract her attention, giving her a grin and a thumbs-up when he had it.
He wanted his nieces to be the best they could be, not to be afraid to love or to go after what they wanted. Didn’t he owe it to them to set a good example? Didn’t he owe it to himself?
He still had Alex’s Christmas tree ornament in his pocket, like a talisman. He should go and give it to her. Tell her he was here for her whenever she needed him. That this time he wasn’t going to just watch her walk away. It was up to her what she did with the information, but at least she would know.
Mind made up, Finn strode to a seat at the back, phone out, ready to record Scarlett’s big moment, having promised Saffy not to embarrass her with as much as a photo.
As he sat down the orchestra began to play the first strains of ‘Once in Royal David’s City’, and a boy with a cheeky smile and tousled hair sang the first verse with a voice of such sweet power Finn could hardly credit someone so small could manage it. The rest of the choir joined in and then, blushing furiously, Saffy spoke.
‘Once upon a time there was a woman named Mary, and she lived in a place called Nazareth...’
Her voice shook at first, but grew steadier as she went on. He could see the relief on her face when the girl playing Mary delivered her first line and attention switched to the actors.
It was the most traditional of traditional nativities. No whales or dinosaurs at this manger. But it had a simplicity that appealed to Finn, with the old carols threading through the narrative, the whole audience joining in with a gusto that clearly amazed the vicar. Finn sat still, proudly blinking back tears as Saffy, her confidence growing with every word, narrated beautifully.
And then his absorption was broken by low voices and a clatter by the door next to him.
He looked round, annoyed, as the door opened and the sound of high heels announced the entrance of newcomers, their attempts to walk quietly almost comical, before switching his attention back to the stage, vaguely aware that two figures had stopped behind him.
At that moment a spotlight highlighted the back of the hall, in readiness for the shepherds to walk down the aisle, and he heard Saffy let out a peculiar little cry, half-sob, half-unintelligible word, her face shining with shock and happiness as she gazed at the spotlight.
Finn twisted round to see what she was looking at and it was all he could do not to repeat his niece’s cry.
It was Alex.
Happiness burst through his body, through his very soul at the sight. He didn’t need to go and find her. She had returned to him.
To them.
‘Hey...’ he whispered.
‘Hey.’
At that moment the shepherds ushered their small flock into the back of the hall, ready to be dazzled by an angel on the stage, only for one lamb to utter a loud cry and break away from the herd to fling itself at Alex.
Finn looked at Alex as she bent down and enfolded the lamb in her arms, meeting his gaze with her own steady one. And he knew for certain. She’d come back for them all. For good.
* * *
‘Okay, girls. Go and get some food and let Alex and her friend get a drink and some food of their own. It’s lovely to meet you,’ Finn said to Amber. ‘I’m so pleased you are joining us for Christmas.’
‘You’re really staying for Christmas?’ Scarlett asked, still in her lamb costume.
Alex nodded. ‘If that’s okay with you two?’
‘Yes!’ Scarlett nodded so enthusiastically her ears were in danger of coming off.
Saffron’s smile was more sedate, but her dark eyes shone and Alex gave her a gentle hug.
‘You were brilliant. I’m sorry we were so late; it was hard getting a taxi at Reading station.’
‘That’s okay,’ Saffy said. ‘I’m glad you’re here. Come on, Scar. Otherwise only the yucky sandwiches will be left.’
Alex watched the two girls run off to the dining room, taking in the ballroom as she did so. Christmas Eve at Blakeley, a party. Just like old times. A band up on stage, people milling and talking and laughing. But this was a family occasion—a community event. If people were drinking to excess or taking drugs or engaging in affairs and dares then she couldn’t see it. Everyone looked festive, many in party clothes, but no one was in haute couture, costing enough to feed a family for a year, or dripping in diamonds. Her ancestors would probably think it a tame affair, but she liked the simplicity of it.
She knew people were watching her, trying to figure out who she was. Some had noticed her in the last two weeks, but many of the villagers hadn’t seen her at all while she’d been working there; she’d done her best to stay out of sight of the village.
With her hair down, and wearing a severely cut black cocktail dress, she knew she looked more like Lola than she had done during her whole stay at Blakeley. It was likely someone would recognise her sooner rather than later. But that was okay.
Alex inhaled, nerves fluttering. With Finn by her side she could handle it.
‘I’m going to get some food,’ Amber said, touching her arm reassuringly. ‘And Saffy tells me that the first film scheduled is The Muppets Christmas Carol. So, much as I’m looking forward to the band, I might join the kids for a bit. I can’t resist that film.’
Dear Amber. Subtly telling Alex that she was okay and would be fine by herself. ‘Have fun.’
Amber’s green eyes sparkled. ‘You too.’<
br />
‘Would you like a drink?’ Finn smiled down at her and Alex’s stomach flipped with nerves mingled with desire.
‘You’re in a suit again? This is becoming a habit.’
‘You look beautiful,’ he said softly, and her desire ramped up, painful in its intensity.
‘Thank you. Can we go for a walk? I need some air.’
And to talk without everyone surreptitiously watching them.
‘Sure.’
Finn guided her out of the ballroom and back through to the west wing, so they could slip out through the side door, avoiding all the other people getting some cool air after the heat of the ballroom, stopping only to collect their coats to guard against the winter chill.
Alex took a deep breath, feeling the shock of what she had just done enfolding her. ‘I called a journalist. A feature writer I’ve known a while. She’s fair. I trust her to be fair. I am going to meet her back in London on Boxing Day and give her the story—all of it.’
Finn took her hand, his fingers warm and strong and comforting. ‘Tell her to come here.’
‘Finn...’
‘Blakeley is embedded in you, in your story. You should tell it here. I want to be with you this time.’
Relief flooded her, and the tension she’d held since making the call melted away. ‘I’d like that.’
‘You’re very brave. I’m proud of you.’
‘It was Amber. She made me see that I was ignoring my own best advice, letting the story rule me, not me it. I’m not brave—I am quite frankly terrified—but it’s time. How can I have a future if I’m hiding from the past?’ She looked out across the moonlit landscape. ‘Would you mind if we walked to the lake?’
He raised an eyebrow in surprise. He must have noticed how she had avoided the lake over the last few weeks, but if she was going to do this, be here, there were a few more ghosts to lay to rest first.
The path was lit by lanterns, the same lanterns as those hanging in trees around the castle, and the moon was hidden by low clouds. It smelt like snow.
Reawakened by His Christmas Kiss Page 15
