by Natasha West
Izzy didn’t blame Sophie. She was a country-bumpkin with a sad hobby. She was who she was, she couldn’t help that. But Izzy needed to get away from her and make it clear that this was a one-time incident, never to be repeated.
‘So, I think I’m just gonna get going, go back to my room, get a shower’ Izzy said, backing out of the room.
‘What about your coffee?’ Sophie asked, shocked.
‘Could I take it to go?’ Izzy asked, thinking it was less rude than telling her to tip it down the sink.
‘Alright’ Sophie said, handing her the drink. ‘I can pop by later and get the cup.’
That was when Izzy remembered that little fact, so unimportant last night, the thing that might make it rather difficult to ditch Sophie. She was a neighbour. She lived six doors down.
‘I’ll bring it to you’ Izzy vowed, still backing away.
‘So will I see you later?’ Sophie asked.
‘I’m sure you will’ Izzy replied diplomatically.
‘Oh, I should get your number’ Sophie said, grabbing a pen and pad from a table that contained a doll wearing a lacy Victorian gown. The doll was smiling, but it didn’t reach her eyes, like she was trying to pretend everything was fine when it really wasn’t. Izzy would have been creeped out if she hadn’t related to the thing.
Sophie gave Izzy the pen and paper. Izzy gave a moment’s thought to giving her a fake number before quickly realising there was no point. They were neighbours. She gave the real version. And then she got the hell out of there for the world’s briefest walk of shame.
As she crept to her room, she was thinking that at least there was something to put in her diary. If only it was something she wanted to tell it.
Twelve
Izzy was amazed at her success in evasion. It had been two whole days she’d managed to not see Sophie.
She had a system. Izzy would poke a small hand mirror out of her room, inch by inch, until she had a clear view down the hall to Sophie’s room. She’d watch the door, making sure it was closed. And when she was sure it didn’t seem like opening, Izzy would creep out, closing her door quietly shut, sneaking down the hall to the stairwell, which she traversed carefully, listening for light female footfall. If she heard anyone, she’d run back through the nearest door and wait for them to pass.
But the system couldn’t work for ever. Because Sophie had been texting her and of course, Izzy had not been replying. The end result should have been obvious, but Izzy was in denial up until the moment she heard a knock at the door and went to answer it to find Sophie standing there, hands on her hips, lips aquiver ‘Why aren’t you answering me?’
Izzy was floored but she managed to collect herself enough to find a semi-believable lie. ‘I’ve been busy. I’ve had this big… Essay. I’ve been in the library, day and night.’
‘You’re avoiding me’ Sophie said tremulously.
That was indubitably true. Sleeping with Sophie had been the wrong thing. It couldn’t go anywhere. She wasn’t attracted to Sophie like that. But that wasn’t Sophie’s fault. And she was no idiot. Izzy was going to have to tell her the truth. ‘I’m sorry’ Izzy said, embarrassed. ‘You’re right. I’m just going through some things.’
‘What things?’ Sophie demanded, still stood in the doorway.
Izzy heard someone walking down the hall. ‘Come in’ she said quickly, gesturing for Sophie to get in the room. Sophie paused for the smallest moment before she stepped inside. Izzy shut the door behind her. ‘Well?’ Sophie pressed. ‘What are these mysterious things you’re going through?’
‘I still…’ Izzy sighed. She so did not want to say the thing she was about to have to say. But this was what it had come to. The horrible, terrible, shameful, foul truth. ‘I think I still love Alicia.’
Sophie’s face fell into quick and clear anger. ‘I know that.’
Izzy blinked. ‘You do?’
‘Yeah, of course. The way you talked about her, it was obvious. I just hoped maybe we could… I wanted… I didn’t expect you to be my girlfriend or anything. But I hoped maybe, in time… You might like me. Just a bit. Because I like you. I liked kissing you and making you… You know. Because you’re so pretty and cool and I like talking to you’ Sophie said miserably.
Izzy had never felt more like a piece of shit in her entire life. ‘God, I’m sorry. I wasn’t… I should have thought.’
Sophie sighed and gathered herself. ‘Look. I get it. You don’t really fancy me. But I don’t mind. If you just wanted to… I mean, I’d be happy to be your friend who you sometimes sleep with. But just don’t be horrible about it and don’t hide from me and ignore my texts.’
Izzy knew in that moment what she should have done if she’d been a better person. She’d have said no. But what Sophie was offering wasn’t without its merits. When you took the awkward morning after out of the equation, having sex with Sophie had been quite pleasant, as she dimly recalled. The softness of a female body, the feeling of being wanted. And Izzy was only human. She’d never expected to be the kind of girl who wanted no-strings sex, but here and now, with it on the table, she wondered if she couldn’t just treat herself to doing something selfish. Her friend Gabby slipped in and out of these situations all the time. Maybe this was just how things were. Maybe she was silly to expect anything better.
Still, Izzy hesitated. ‘But what about you? I mean, wouldn’t that feel a bit horrible for you? Wouldn’t you feel used?’
‘I don’t care’ Sophie shrugged. ‘This is the only way I’d get someone like you.’
Izzy frowned. ‘Sophie-’
‘Can we stop talking about this now?’ Sophie interrupted. ‘Because I’ve been looking on the internet and I think I can do better than the other night, if you’ll let me?’
Izzy blushed. ‘What do you mean?’
Sophie walked over to Izzy, getting very close. Izzy thought she was going to kiss her. But instead, she gave an awkward little smile and slipped down, getting to her knees. ‘Just let me know if I get it wrong’ Sophie said and then slipped Izzy’s skirt up around her waist.
Izzy didn’t need to give any notes, as it turned out. Sophie had done thorough research. Izzy reached out and grabbed ahold of her desk as Sophie’s head bobbed up and down. ‘Christ’ she said, trying to be quiet in case her neighbours heard. But it was hard. She’d never had anyone go down on her before. It was quite fantastic, even if it was only Sophie. Because she was so keen to please and just like Izzy, she was a perfectionist.
A little while later, Izzy came to orgasm very hard indeed, her knees buckling with the force of it. Sophie got back up, wiping her mouth. ‘How was that?’
Izzy leaned back against the wall, smiling weakly, trying to find the strength that Sophie had just taken out of her. ‘My god.’
Sophie was pleased as punch. ‘I’m glad you liked it.’
Thirteen
Izzy was in a lecture, zoning out. German expressionist cinema was all well and good, but Izzy had an assignment for the radio station and she was counting the hours until she could get back to it. They wanted her to produce something for them, a news segment on the subject of her choice. It was her first real shot. Izzy couldn’t wait to get started.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket. She slipped it out discretely and checked the text. Sophie.
Are you coming over tonight?
Izzy considered it. She’d slept with Sophie just last night, and she tried not to let it happen on consecutive nights. It made Sophie seem a bit too much like a real girlfriend.
It wasn’t as though Izzy hadn’t idly thought about it. Something had grown between them. A trust, an ease, a familiarity. They’d been sleeping together for three months now and Izzy knew a lot more about Sophie these days. She knew Sophie had very strict parents who would go bananas if they found out she was having sex with anyone, never mind a girl. She knew about Sophie’s brother, a delinquent who’d thoroughly scandalised their small town by defacing their church with spray cans,
writing ‘Satan Rules!’ She knew that Sophie had thirty-nine dolls and each of them had a name and the one Izzy hated the most was called Lydia. She knew that Sophie tended to scream, ‘Good lord!’ during sex.
And Sophie knew her too. She knew about Izzy’s relationship with Alicia - and its demise - in great detail. She knew about her warring parents and her nosy brother. She also knew that Izzy’s favourite position was sitting on Sophie’s face.
These were the facts that had been learned about each other and themselves in this time of experimental sex with one another. Izzy was grateful to Sophie for giving her the chance to learn. She felt like she was becoming a woman at last. A sexually experienced adult who knew what she liked and how to return the favour. But what Izzy liked the most was just how available Sophie always was. How she was always there when Izzy felt lonely or out of place at university. She was a blankie for Izzy. A blankie that gave oral.
But something stopped her from ever quite pulling the trigger on making it real with Sophie. She liked her, she honestly did. And attraction had grown, somewhat. Still, Sophie was Sophie. Izzy was fond of her, but she knew it would never go deeper than that.
‘Hey’ said a voice behind Izzy. ‘You got a spare pencil?’
Izzy went into her bag and found one, passing it over her shoulder. ‘You never have anything. What if I weren’t here?’ she whispered, looking round.
The person behind her, Mia, a red-haired girl with the kind of face that always looked as though she knew some delicious secret, grinned and said, ‘But you always are. Because you’re a swot.’
Izzy returned the grin and then turned her attention back to the lecture. Mia couldn’t see her now, but she still had a small smile on her lips.
Mia was a new friend, someone she’d met at a party, hung with in group situations, introduced by Gabby. They’d danced together once. It had been stirring. Izzy was trying very hard not to develop a crush on her. The reasons for this were two-fold. Firstly - and largely – she had no idea if Mia liked her that way. Mia was flirtatious with her but then again, Mia flirted with the world and the world flirted back. Second, minorly, Sophie. Izzy knew they were not officially a thing, but still, it felt weird to pursue someone while she was still ensconced with Sophie. They were something and nothing, but Izzy swore to herself that if she ever got a real shot with Mia, she’d end it with Sophie before she did anything. That was only fair.
Izzy felt something slip over her shoulder and she found a note, passed from Mia.
There’s a party in Clayton Hall tonight, room seven-eight-two. Coming? Please tick yes or no. Below she’d drawn boxes next to affirmative or negative.
Izzy looked at the note and she felt something flutter in her chest. The note was cute. She quickly ticked yes, folded it over and passed the note back over her shoulder without looking. Mia took it, opened it, read it and then gave Izzy an approving pat on the head.
As the lecturer began to talk about the legacy that German expressionist cinema had on the movies of today, Izzy discreetly texted Sophie a reply. Not tonight. Busy. I’ll text you early next week.
Fourteen
This was it. The uncomfortable conversation was about to be had.
Izzy took a moment outside Sophie’s door before she knocked, rehearsing in her head what she was going to say. That was a bad idea. She very nearly turned around to leave the whole thing for another day. But there was no point delaying things. She rapped on the door.
Sophie opened it, smiling to see her. Izzy hated seeing that. She knew Sophie liked her, probably quite a bit more than it went the other way. But that was why she had to do this now. Things would only get worse otherwise.
‘Can I come in for a minute?’ Izzy asked.
‘Of course!’ Sophie replied and stood back to let her in. ‘I was just doing some work for an essay but it’s boring me silly. I’d be glad to take a little break’ she said lasciviously, stroking a hand up Izzy’s arm.
Izzy moved away from the touch. ‘Actually, I… I think we need a little chat about something.’
Sophie’s smile slipped. ‘Is something wrong?’
‘Umm…’ Izzy began. She’d thought about the right words for this moment but now she was here, they’d gone clean out of her head. But she had to start somewhere. ‘Look-’
Sophie shook her head. ‘No.’
Izzy blinked. ‘No what?’
‘No. You can’t do this to me.’
‘I haven’t done anything yet’ Izzy replied.
‘Yes, but I know what you’re going to say and I’m asking you not to say it.’
Izzy sighed. ‘Sophie, you know I care about you-’
‘Please’ Sophie said, raising her voice. ‘You haven’t given me enough time yet.’
That threw Izzy. ‘Time for what?’
‘To grow on you.’
Izzy’s stomach sank. Sophie had expected so little from this and Izzy couldn’t even meet those meagre expectations. But what could Izzy do? She knew this wasn’t going anywhere. ‘I do like you, Sophie. It’s not like I don’t-’ Izzy began.
‘Then don’t give up’ Sophie pleaded.
‘When this started, you said we were friends first and foremost. And we still are. I just… I just don’t think we should sleep together anymore’ Izzy said, finally finding the crux of her argument.
Sophie sat down on the bed. ‘It’s not fair.’
Izzy wrung her hands. ‘I’m sorry you feel like that. But I want you to know, I honestly do consider you a friend and this doesn’t have to mean…’ She stopped, realising Sophie was crying. Izzy had expected this to be horrible, had prepared for it. But watching a girl cry because you were breaking up with her, she couldn’t have foreseen how bad that would feel. Izzy had only known this situation from the other side and she realised what a good teacher her own pain should have been, teaching her the consequences of being careless with someone. How it hurt. Yet she’d done this to Sophie anyway. Why?
There was an obvious answer to that. It was to do with Alicia, to do with feeling used, to do with getting her own back in a roundabout way. But that didn’t sit very well with Izzy, so she ignored it, saying, ‘Sophie, please don’t-’
‘Have you met someone else?’ Sophie interrupted through snotty tears.
Izzy’s eyes slid away from Sophie, giving her an answer. The truth was, she had. Last night, at the party at Clayton Hall, she and Mia had come this close to kissing. If someone hadn’t started puking in the corner and ruined the ambience, Izzy was sure they would have. So she was doing this today, clearing the path for whatever was going to happen with Mia.
And now Sophie knew, if not the details, the general picture. ‘You cow!’ she shouted. ‘You knew how I felt!’
Izzy was shocked. ‘You said you’d be alright with this!’ she argued, aware of how thin a defence it was. Because of course she’d known Sophie wouldn’t be alright. The arrangement she’d outlined had sounded good on paper, but what Sophie had promised had been sworn in cold blood. And then came three months of hot blood. All that adult content, those intimate acts. Izzy had very nearly conceded to the relationship herself, despite her luke warm feelings. If it hadn’t been for Mia, maybe she would have. But there was Mia. ‘You promised you wouldn’t mind if it ended.’
‘I know but…’ Sophie started, and Izzy knew what was coming and she prayed not to hear it. It came anyway. ‘Izzy, I love you!’ Sophie wailed. ‘Are you happy now? You win. I said it!’
Izzy was far from happy. ‘That’s really nice. And like I said, I care about you too. But we agreed, Sophie. It’s not fair of you to go back on it.’ Izzy was deep in self-hate now. She’d just have to knuckle down, get through this. She was almost free.
‘Who’s the girl?’ Sophie demanded.
‘Please don’t do that. This isn’t about anyone else. We just don’t fit.’
‘You weren’t saying that last Tuesday when I gave you three orgasms in a row!’ Sophie spat.
Izzy flush
ed. Sophie had a point there. But she pressed on. ‘I want you to know, I’ve really liked the time we’ve spent together. But it’s not going anywhere, and we need to move on.’ This was something she’d read in a book and it had seemed right on the money when Izzy had made a note of it. But now, in the hellish reality of this break-up, it sounded pathetic.
‘I’ll find out, you know. Who it is’ Sophie suddenly said, her tone different, colder.
‘What do you mean?’ Izzy asked weakly.
‘Your new girlfriend. I’ll tell her all about how you treated me’ Sophie said with an unpleasant sneer.
