by Natasha West
‘You can’t feel bad for that. You didn’t see her for what she was because you’re not like her. That’s all. You thought she was as decent as you are.’
‘I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes’ Izzy said, thinking of Mackenzie. And Sophie. And now Alicia too could be added to the hall of fame. ‘Big ones. Maybe Zoe was my punishment.’
‘I’ve made them too. I’ve got a whole decade worth to fill you in on.’
‘I’d like to hear them’ Izzy said.
‘Maybe later. I’d rather not scare you off just yet’ Alicia said, trying to sound like she was kidding. Izzy saw right through it. ‘You wouldn’t’ she vowed. ‘I mean, if anything were to happen. I’m not assuming.’
‘You can assume’ Alicia said, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. ‘I don’t know if this is crazy, we haven’t seen each other in so long and it sounds like you’re maybe not in the best place right now. But I don’t know. You walking into the shop? I’d love to think it wasn’t a coincidence.’
Izzy felt a blush travel up her neck. ‘I almost didn’t come in that day. I nearly chucked that ring in a river’ she remembered with horror.
‘And then we wouldn’t be sitting here now. So maybe your mistake, buying that ring, was good. Because it led you right back. To me.’ Alicia rolled her eyes at herself. ‘Oh no. That’s… I didn’t mean to get so cheesy’ she said, embarrassed. ‘I’m sorry, it’s too soon to be talking like this, isn’t it?’
Izzy didn’t answer with words, she didn’t have any left. All she had was a feeling and the direction it was taking her in. Toward Alicia, that familiar old route. Izzy leaned in and kissed her. Alicia met Izzy’s lips with passion, bringing her hands to Izzy’s cheeks, pulling her tighter. Izzy was drawn in quickly. Alicia’s kiss felt like coming home.
A few minutes in, Alicia suddenly broke the kiss. ‘Are you sure about this?’ Alicia asked. ‘Is it too soon after whatsherface?’
Izzy didn’t care about Zoe right then. She felt like a bad dream that Izzy was waking up from. In fact, it was obvious to Izzy that she hadn’t really loved Zoe at all. Izzy had had an itch for love. She accidently scratched it with sex. And the proposal? That hadn’t been about Zoe at all. It had been about her parents’ divorce. How had she not seen that until right this minute? ‘Don’t think about her. I’m not. Not now’ she told Alicia.
‘If you’re sure’ Alicia said. ‘It’s weird, that these ten years have passed and it’s like they didn’t.’
Izzy nodded, feeling the sentiment deeply. ‘But let’s not think of the last decade right now. Let me just keep kissing you. Like we never stopped ten years ago.’
‘We didn’t stop ten years ago’ Alicia reminded her.
‘You’re right, we didn’t. You guided me to womanhood’ Izzy grinned, nervously.
Alicia took a deep breath. ‘Then I guess that’s where we pick up. Come on’ Alicia said and stood. She took Izzy’s hand and led her to the stairs, up to the bedroom.
Izzy let the enormity of the moment wash over her on those few steps up. Alicia was right. Through some minor miracle, her life had led her right back here, to the chance to pick up where a mistake had left her. She’d never believed in luck. Until today.
In the bedroom, Izzy and Alicia looked at each other and smiled foolishly. ‘Is it warm in here?’ Izzy asked nervously. She was almost coming out in a sweat.
‘It’s freezing, actually’ Alicia said.
‘Oh. Maybe it’s early menopause’ Izzy said with a short laugh that quickly faded. What the hell was she talking about the menopause for?
‘You don’t have to be nervous’ Alicia told her.
‘Aren’t you?’ Izzy asked.
‘Maybe a bit. Or maybe a lot actually’ Alicia admitted. A slow smile crept onto her lips. ‘Do you remember what happened last time? How it started out? At that party?’ Alicia asked.
Izzy thought for a second. ‘My shoe.’
Alicia nodded. She walked over to Izzy and bent down, slipping her shoe from her foot. Izzy allowed the shoe to be taken, amused.
‘Here. Come and get it’ Alicia said, backing away with the shoe.
Izzy bit her lip and took a step toward her. ‘Give it here’ she said, recalling her young self.
Alicia shook her head and took another step back. ‘No.’
Izzy stepped forward until she was right in front of Alicia. ‘You’re a maniac’ she said quietly.
‘Come on. Take it’ Alicia grinned. Izzy stepped forward and they slipped onto the bed, Izzy right on top of Alicia. She looked down at her. Alicia smiled up shyly. Izzy remembered what happened next. Alicia had surprised her with a kiss and she’d jumped off the bed in a panic. It didn’t need to go that way this time. She reached over and snatched the shoe. She looked at it. ‘I’ve changed my mind. I don’t need it’ she said and threw it over her shoulder.
Alicia was delighted. She pulled Izzy down, kissing her deeply. ‘I missed you’ she murmured between kisses.
‘I missed you too’ Izzy told her, moving her mouth down to Alicia’s soft neck. Alicia began to pull her clothes off and they went with ease. Alicia was naked soon after. They rolled over and now Alicia sat astride Izzy. She looked up at Alicia and she remembered something she’d tried to forget. Alicia was all she’d ever really wanted. Whatever came next, right now, Izzy knew that much.
Forty-Four
Izzy was watching Alicia sleep. She was ready in case she woke, ready to slam her eyes shut and pretend she was asleep too and not being a creep. But she couldn’t help it. She hadn’t fallen asleep with Alicia last time. Things had gone wrong quite quickly after they’d slept together ten years ago. So she’d never gotten to see this before. Alicia looked angelic.
Alicia’s eyes suddenly flew open and Izzy wasn’t quick enough. ‘Caught you’ Alicia said sleepily.
‘I was just… I wasn’t staring. I just happened to wake at the same time you did’ Izzy said.
Alicia wiped at her eyes. ‘Yeah, sure, Mortimer.’
Izzy smiled sheepishly. ‘I could never get away with anything with you, could I?’
‘You could get away with anything’ Alicia replied, turning over to rest on her elbow. ‘I thought you were the best.’
‘I’m still trying to adjust to that concept’ Izzy admitted.
‘I was such a good faker, wasn’t I?’
‘I hope not’ Izzy said, rolling over and matching Alicia’s position on her elbow.
‘That I did not fake. Not then, not now.’ Alicia’s smiled dropped. ‘Look, I know you said you weren’t thinking about your ex, but I need to ask you something… Am I a rebound?’
Izzy was shocked at the idea. ‘You couldn’t be. I mean, thinking about it, everyone since you have been the rebounds’ Izzy said. She meant it. Everyone that came after, in the back of her mind, she’d always compared them to Alicia.
Alicia smiled quickly, but it faded. ‘That’s sweet. But I’m serious. We can’t fuck this up again. It hurt too much last time. So if you’re not ready…’
‘I can’t promise anything. Neither can you’ Izzy said honestly. ‘But I feel ready for this. I shouldn’t be. But I am.’
‘I’d hate for us to lose each other again’ Alicia said, frowning.
‘So would I’ Izzy replied. ‘This decade has really dragged without you.’
Alicia laughed softly.
Izzy’s phone beeped. ‘I’m ignoring that’ she said.
‘Check it. Could be important.’
‘That word has been somewhat redefined in the last twelve hours’ Izzy told her.
Alicia rolled her eyes and felt around on the floor until she found the phone. She passed it to Izzy. ‘Go ahead.’
Izzy sighed and looked at her phone. It was a text from Jeremy.
Hey. You have a meeting today with Bell Smith at 3pm at her office. Sorry about short notice but she’s flying to Guatemala tonight. She needs a new producer in a month and I’ve been talking you up. Don’t fu
ck it up. Oh and she’s sixty-five with grandkids so don’t try and shag her this time? You’re not her type.
Izzy’s eyes nearly fell out of her sockets. She was up for a job with Bell Smith, the award-winning radio journalist who investigated everything from political scandals to business corruption to healthcare scams. Had Izzy died last night sometime around the fourth orgasm and gone to job heaven? Panic set in quickly. What if she didn’t get it? What then?
‘So what was it? Alicia asked.
She looked up from her phone at Alicia and she thought, It’s just a job. If I don’t get it, I don’t get it. There’ll be other jobs. Whereas Alicia? There was only one. She knew that for a fact, because she’d been trying to replace her for all her adult life and never gotten close. ‘Got an interview for later today’ she told Alicia.
‘That’s great. Is it something good?’
‘It’s alright’ Izzy said, pulling Alicia toward her. ‘But it’s not ‘til three. Right now, I’m where I need to be.’
Alicia melted against Izzy. ‘Yes you are.’
***
Later that day, Izzy walked out of her interview with Bell Smith and no one could have read her poker face. Not until she walked over to the car where Alicia waited. ‘How did it go?’ she mouthed through the windscreen. Izzy nodded. Alicia screamed and jumped out of the car, running around to grab Izzy. ‘You’re a rockstar.’
‘Bell Smith is a rockstar. I’m more of a roadie.’
‘Not to me’ Alicia said. ‘So how shall we celebrate?’
As easy as that, Alicia was talking about them as ‘We’. Izzy wanted to be a ‘We’ with Alicia. More than with Sophie, more than with Mackenzie, more than with Zoe. As much as she had at eighteen.
Izzy leaned down and grabbed hold of her shoe, picking it off and holding it aloft while she hopped on the spot. ‘How do you think I want to celebrate?’
Present Day
Forty-Five
Izzy sat in her car, trying not to cry. Why had Alicia done this? The last three years had been good, hadn’t they? Better than any other time in Izzy’s life. Izzy and Alicia had slipped back together with ease and everything that came before began to feel like an old black and white photo. So deep in the past, it barely connected to the present. All those mistakes, all those worries that Izzy didn’t know how to love someone properly, they seemed to fall away. Right from the start, Alicia showed her how easy it was.
She’d moved in with Izzy five months after that first night, when Alicia’s homeowner buddy had come back from his globe-trotting. Izzy had thought of Mackenzie, they’d taken the same risk and look how that turned out. But Alicia wasn’t Mackenzie. Living together didn’t drive them apart, it brought them closer together. They rowed sometimes but it didn’t end with anyone on the sofa. They talked it out, tried to understand each other.
And then, on the first anniversary of the day Izzy went into that jewellers to return an ill thought out engagement ring, Izzy was in the bathroom getting ready to go out for the night, when she heard a kerfuffle. She ran to the sound, coming from the bedroom.
‘God almighty!’ Alicia exclaimed. ‘What happened to my favourite top!’
Izzy ran in to see that Alicia was looking at a cardigan on the drying rack. ‘What’s wrong with it?’ Izzy asked.
Alicia pulled it off the rack and held it up against herself. It covered roughly half of Alicia’s torso. ‘Take a wild guess.’
‘Oh no. Sorry, darling’ Izzy said. She’d been the one to wash it.
Alicia pulled the cardigan on, stretching it to fit onto her frame. ‘I look like The Hulk’ she said, flexing her muscles, laughing.
Izzy looked at her wearing that tiny, ruined cardigan and she’d never loved her more. ‘I’ll get you another.’
‘Yes, you will!’ Alicia laughed. ‘Goddamn, I was hoping to get myself a proper wife. This is the third thing of mine you’ve shrunk.’
‘A proper wife, eh?’ Izzy said, walking over to Alicia, slipping her arms around her waist.
‘Oh, wait, is that a bad word?’ Alicia asked, putting her arms around Izzy’s neck. ‘Are you going to freak out? Because this isn’t me proposing.’
Izzy smiled sheepishly. ‘I’m not freaking out. I asked you to live with me, didn’t I?’
‘So, you’re saying you wouldn’t run the other way?’ Alicia said with an eyebrow raise.
‘You won’t find out until you ask’ Izzy said vaguely. She didn’t really mind if or when they had that conversation. She felt safe with Alicia. It could wait.
Alicia nodded and slipped out of the hug. She went to her bedside table and took something out. And there and then, in the bedroom, wearing that absurdly tiny cardigan, Alicia got down on one knee and said, ‘So this is me proposing. I was going to do this later, but… Will you marry me?’
Izzy nearly fell over. ‘What?’
Alicia cleared her throat and tried again. ‘Izzy Mortimer. I loved you at eighteen. I love you now. I’m going to love you at eighty. I know it. Would you please marry me?’
Izzy was floored. She hadn’t seen this coming for a second. Of course, she’d thought about doing this herself, madly in love as she was. But after Zoe, she thought it best to wait so that Alicia knew she didn’t just go proposing to woman all the time.
But apparently, Alicia wasn’t waiting.
‘Yes, yes’ Izzy sputtered. ‘I’ll definitely marry you.’
Alicia grinned, stood and slipped a beautiful modern ring from her new shop on the high street right onto Izzy’s waiting finger. They kissed and fell into bed and were very late for that dinner reservation.
And now, two years later, after a slow engagement, Izzy was sat in her car, travelling down the long driveway of the hotel she was supposed to be married in, a mess, alone. She didn’t understand how this had happened. If Alicia had changed her mind, they could have talked about it. It hadn’t needed to get to this. Izzy was determined to tell her so. But she had to find her first. She supposed that if Alicia was doing a flit, she might have gone back to their place to pack and leave. She’d try there first and after that, Izzy didn’t know.
But as she arrived at the turning that signalled the end of the hotel’s road, she spotted a car coming up from the main road, turning in. A red car. It levelled with her. It was Alicia. She looked over the steering wheel at Izzy, her mouth hanging in surprise. She broke sharply and wound down the window. ‘Where are you going? You ditching me or something?’ she asked with an easy smile.
‘Where have you been!’ Izzy demanded.
‘I got you a gift for today, but I left it at the flat’ she explained. ‘I just nipped back to get it, why?’
‘But why didn’t you pick up your phone?’
‘I left it in the hotel. I was coming right back.’
Izzy would have cried but she’d already done that once today. ‘I’m a twat’ she moaned. ‘I thought you’d changed your mind.’
Alicia’s eyes went wide. She got straight out of the car and ran around, jumping in. ‘What the hell? Why would you ever think that, Iz? Don’t you know I love you, you tit!?’
Izzy felt stupid. ‘I do. I don’t know what happened. I guess I just panicked.’
Alicia frowned. ‘What did I say that first night when we got together. I said we couldn’t fuck up again. And look, you nearly ran off again. From our wedding.’
‘Only to find you!’ Izzy exclaimed.
‘Right. But that means you doubted us.’
‘I don’t doubt you. I doubt me. That’s different. So maybe my dad’s right. Maybe I am ruined’ Izzy breathed sadly.
‘If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that your dad has never been right about anything’ Alicia said. Izzy was surprised to find herself smile. But she wasn’t sure if this was something Alicia could fix with a joke.
‘Look, alright, our wedding’s in ten minutes’ Alicia said. ‘So we have to figure this out right now.’
‘Agreed’ Izzy replied.
&
nbsp; ‘So here’s the choice. We can either look at what our parents are and say, ‘I can’t get away from it, I’m doomed to repeat their mistakes. Or… We can jump off a cliff and hope for the best.’
‘That doesn’t sound very hopeful’ Izzy frowned.
‘It’s all I’ve got’ Alicia shrugged. ‘All I’ve got is that I love you and that we fucked things up and I never got over it and then somehow, you came back to me. That’s all I have. I think it’s enough.’
Izzy looked at the woman she was going to marry, and she knew she’d nearly done it again. Alicia was right. She’d nearly let fear and history and genetics and blind idiocy rob her of Alicia Coleman. For the second time.
