Memories assaulted me. Calling Cody over and over. Endless internet searches trying to find his new number. Hoping against hope that he’d somehow show up at the hospital when I went into labor. That he’d hear that I’d had Noah and suddenly realize he wanted to be a father. I wasn’t ever going to put myself through that again.
Taylor squeezed my hand. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Just keep an open mind as things unfold. I have a feeling growing up around his parents’ relationship may have colored things for him.”
Taylor had a point about that. I blew out a breath. I needed some space. Time alone to think things through. I turned back to the girls. “Taylor, I have a favor.”
“Name it.”
I glanced at the time on my phone. “Could you pick Noah up from karate at three?”
Little worry lines appeared on her forehead. “Of course. You’re not planning to bash in Tuck’s truck and get arrested, are you?”
Her question brought a small smile to my lips. “No. I just need some time alone. To sort everything through. Get myself together.”
The worry lines on Taylor’s face didn’t fade. “You’ll be safe?”
“I’m just going to the ranch. Spend some time with Phoenix and the rest of my girls.”
Taylor smiled. “Sounds like a great plan. I’ll grab Noah at three. Walker’s off duty around then, so we can all go for ice cream or something. You can pick him up at our place when you’re done. No rush.”
I gave her a quick hug. “Thanks. I have my phone if you need anything.”
I headed out the door. I’d let myself fall apart for a little while, and then I’d never cry another tear over Tucker Harris again.
41
Tuck
“Fuck!” I slammed the front door of my house and plunged my fist into my newly plastered but still not repainted entryway wall. I pulled my arm out, drywall dust flying everywhere. I didn’t care about any of it. Not the new hole in my wall. Not the mess on the floor. Not the blood dripping down my hand.
None of it.
Jensen wouldn’t be showing up to make sure I was okay. She wouldn’t insist on pulling out the first-aid kit to doctor my cuts. She wouldn’t make me a homemade ice pack. And I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to distract myself from the shitstorm that was my life by losing myself in her body.
And there was only one person to blame for that. Me. I’d ruined everything, just like my dad had said I would. But it was for the best. Like crash-landing your plane into a field instead of risking plowing into a building full of people. Everything would be so much worse if I fucked things up farther down the line. Jensen depending on me, Noah more attached.
I’d been right to pull the plug now. I was saving Jensen from myself. Eventually, she’d see that. Someday, we’d find our way back to friendship. She’d meet someone worthy of her, and it would tear at my insides, but I would be happy for her.
I walked into the kitchen and pulled a bottle of vodka from the freezer. I headed over to the sink and rinsed off my hand. I uncorked the vodka bottle with my teeth and hissed when the liquid hit my torn knuckles.
I set the bottle down on the counter and let my hand drip into the sink. I stared straight ahead, out the window and into the postage-stamp-sized backyard that I hated. This was my life now.
My phone buzzed in my back pocket. With my un-abused hand, I pulled it out. My brow furrowed. Why in the hell was Taylor calling me? My shoulders tensed, but I hit accept. “Hey, Taylor.”
“You’re a fucking idiot.”
I sighed, placing the phone down on the counter and hitting the speaker button. “Well, hello to you, too.”
“Don’t give me that shit. I was rooting for you two. For weeks now, I’ve been practicing the speech I was going to give Walker to keep him from losing his shit when he found out.”
My jaw clenched. “Well, now you can retire that speech.”
Taylor let out a little growl. “I don’t want to retire it! I want two people who I love very much to get their heads out of their asses and realize they’re perfect for each other.”
I gripped the edge of the counter, the action causing my split knuckles to reopen. “This is the best thing I could ever do for her. Walking away.”
“Oh my God. Enough with the martyr crap already.”
A small grin curved my mouth. “You know, you curse a lot for an elementary school teacher.”
“Well, I’m not in front of a bunch of fucking ten year olds right now, am I? Actually, based on your emotional IQ, maybe I am. Why are you doing this?”
There was that familiar ticking in my cheek again. “Because I’m no good for her.”
Taylor’s voice grew gentle. “Why would you think that?”
I ran a hand through my hair, staying silent.
Taylor sucked in a breath. “Tuck, you’re not your father.”
I let out a chuckle, but it was cold. “That’s not what he says.”
“From the little I’ve seen and heard, your father is a drunk, a cheater, and an asshole. Why would you listen to a word he says? I’m sure he doesn’t even believe half the shit that comes out of his mouth.”
I twirled the bottle of vodka around on the counter, the same one that had been in my freezer for almost a year. “Doesn’t mean he’s wrong.”
“Why do you think he’s right?”
I drummed my fingers against the glass. “I like women.”
Taylor snorted. “I like men. That doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat on Walker.”
I grinned at the counter. “I’ve had a bit more of an active sex life than you, Taylor.”
“That you know of.” She was quiet for a moment. “Has any woman grabbed your attention for more than just a fleeting, appreciative glance since you and Jensen started up?”
I thought back to the girl in the bar right before Jensen and I had gotten together. I couldn’t even remember her name now. The truth was that every female paled in comparison to Jensen. They always had.
There was no body I craved more, not because it looked any particular way, but because it was hers.
There was no one I wanted to talk to more at the end of the day. I wanted her laughter, her tears. I wanted to know every thought that entered her head. That had never been the case with any other woman.
I had known for a long time that Jensen Cole was the only woman for me. I’d just resigned myself to never having her fully.
“What if I hurt her?”
Taylor sighed. “The truth is, you will. You already have. But it’s about how you mend those hurts. How you learn from them and try again.”
My chest clenched. “I need to fix this.”
“Yes, you do.”
I tore off some paper towels from the roll on the counter and did my best to clean up my marred hand. “Is she still at the Kettle?”
“No. She left about an hour ago. Said she needed some time alone, to think. So, I’m on my way to pick up Noah from karate.”
My heart stopped. “She shouldn’t be wandering around alone right now. She knows that.”
“Relax, Tuck. She just went back to the ranch. She wanted to be with her horses.”
The vise that had settled around my chest relaxed just a bit. “Good.” I paused. “Taylor?”
“I’m still here.”
I let out a long breath. “Thank you.”
A car engine turned over. “You can thank me by fixing this.”
I grabbed my keys off the counter. “You got it.”
I tapped end on the screen. I’d have a battle on my hands, but I wouldn’t stop until Jensen had forgiven me. I just had to hold onto the flicker of hope I hadn’t fucked things up beyond repair.
42
Jensen
The drive up to the ranch was quiet. Too quiet. There was nothing to do but play the conversation with Tuck over and over in my head. Maybe I’d been wrong. So very wrong about him. Maybe I’d seen things that weren’t there because I so badly wanted
them to exist.
I hated the way my mind played tricks on me. That insidious doubt crept over everything and infected it with its poison. It made me question every moment Tuck and I had shared. What was real? What was merely a figment of my imagination? Maybe I’d never know.
I turned off the main road and onto our gravel drive that would lead me to my horses, my peace. The divots in the lane jarred my spine. If only that were enough to shake the memories of Tuck from my mind loose. An invisible fist seemed to squeeze my heart. How did I forget someone who had been woven into my life from the day I was born?
It had to be impossible. My only hope was that the pain would dull with time. When Cody left me, I’d thought the pain would take me out, I had been so devastated. When I learned the truth about who Bryce really was, I’d felt so dirty, I’d thought I would never get clean again.
But I’d persevered. I’d healed my damn self. For my son. For me. And then Tuck had come along, ruining my perfect plan of never letting another man into my heart. Tucker Harris had taken me out like a freight train. But there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Getting a taste of what life could have been with him, how sweet that existence would be, only to have it ripped out from under me. There was no coming back from that. The pain of a dream you could just barely touch with your fingertips, torn viciously from your grasp.
The only hope I had was to go numb. To turn off that part of myself that yearned for more. The part that remembered what it had been like to think I might get it.
I pulled my SUV to a stop outside my pasture, just in time to see my herd galloping across the field, Willow leading the charge. The elderly mare had come so far. Had proven that she had so much life left to live. Yes. This was what I needed. I slipped from the car and headed for the fence line. Ducking between the rails, I headed for my boulder.
Memories flashed. All the times Tuck had found me here. The endless conversations. Some about nothing at all. Others about the most important things we held deep inside for no one else to see. How could all of that have been a lie? I pressed my palms against the rock below me. I didn’t believe it could be.
Phoenix nosed my shoulder. I turned, stroking her face. “Hey, Phee. You always know when I need a little extra love, huh?” She nuzzled in closer.
As I ran my hands down her neck, I watched the rest of the horses dance and play. Even Willow got in on the action, giving a little buck as she ran after a much younger mustang.
I sucked in a deep breath, letting the crisp pine air fill my lungs. I let my eyes close. I had so much. My son. My family. These beautiful horses. It would have to be enough. A flash of pain seared through my chest. Even my body didn’t believe that lie.
My eyes opened at the sound of tires on gravel. I watched an unfamiliar truck pull up to the pasture. A man got out, cowboy hat hiding his face. And it looked like another was still in the vehicle.
My heart rate picked up just a bit. The man took off his hat, and my muscles relaxed. “Hey, Bill, what’re you doing here?”
Bill ducked between the fence rails. “Afternoon, Miss Jensen. I was just coming by to check out a horse your dad trained. Might be adding her to my stable.”
My mouth curved. “The Paint?”
“That’s the one. She’s a beaut.” Bill looked out at the herd of horses in my pasture. “Why don’t you train these mustangs? I know you’ve got the touch. You could sell them, make a decent living.”
I gave him a kind smile. “I’ve trained a few, but not all of them are cut out for riding.”
A flicker of a scowl appeared on Bill’s face, but it was gone so quickly, I wondered if I’d imagined it. “Not a lot of purpose to them then, huh?”
My own scowl threatened. Phoenix edged closer to me as if recognizing the insult. “The purpose is life. Respect. Freedom.”
Bill gave his head a shake. “At the cost of our ability to thrive?”
Phoenix danced at my side, almost trying to herd me away from Bill. I pressed my lips together and continued rubbing a hand up and down Phee’s neck. “I think there has to be a balance, a way for ranchers to run their businesses successfully and for the mustangs not to lose any more of their home.”
Bill tapped his hat against his leg. “I wish you could understand things from our perspective. Maybe you should come up to Pine Meadow with me, meet some of the smaller ranchers who are really affected by this.”
A trickle of unease slid down my spine. It wasn’t just because this man didn’t see the value in my precious horses. It was something else. Phoenix let out a whinny. I took a step back, thoughts swirling and connecting.
Bill had a ranch between Sutter Lake and Pine Meadow. And he leased near where the mustangs resided. He’d been a stoic supporter of increasing the lands available to ranchers. He never raised his voice at those speaking on behalf of the mustangs, never called us names. But I remembered the flash of rage I’d seen on his face when there had been a town hall meeting about the proposal.
My stomach churned. Was I standing with the man responsible for all the heartbreaking loss my mustangs had endured? I took another step back, making a show of looking at my watch. “I’d better get going. I need to pick up Noah.”
Bill studied me as he moved out of my path. “Of course. We can discuss the horses another time.”
The muscles I hadn’t realized were strung bow-tight eased. The events of the past few months had to be catching up with me, that was all. I gave Phoenix one more pat and headed for the fence.
I bent to duck between the rails when something flashed in my peripheral vision. Blinding pain hit me as my head knocked against the fence. I crumpled to the ground, everything around me blurring, my vision tunneling.
“I really wish you wouldn’t have put those pieces together.”
43
Tuck
I keyed in the code to the gate and drummed my fingers along the steering wheel as I waited for it to open. My mind circled the same thing over and over. Jensen. How could I convince her to give me a second chance?
My truck bounced over a ridge in the gravel road as I made my way down the lane that curved around the ranch house and towards Jensen’s property. Movement flashed in the corner of my eye, and my head jerked.
The shiny, dark brown coat shimmered in the sunlight as the horse galloped down the road. I slammed on my brakes just in front of the ranch house and jumped out of my truck. I held up my hands. “Phoenix. Whoa, girl. It’s okay.”
She danced in place, throwing her head back in a whinny.
“What’s wrong?” I glanced up towards Jensen’s pastures, unease settling in my gut. “How’d you get out?”
The front door of the house opened, and Andrew strode out. “How’d Phoenix get out?”
I slid closer to the mare. “I’m not sure. You seen Jensen?”
“Saw her drive past the barn, oh, I don’t know, maybe two hours ago?”
I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and hit her contact. It rang and rang before clicking over to the voice mail that hadn’t changed in over five years. You’ve reached Jensen…
I tapped end on the screen. “Will you try her?” My hand tightened around the phone. I hated that my own stupidity meant that I didn’t know if she was avoiding me or if she was actually in trouble.
Andrew arched an eyebrow but pulled out his phone to call his daughter. While I waited, I came around the back of my truck, searching out a halter and lead I knew I had buried in there somewhere. My fingers brushed nylon rope, and I pulled.
When I ducked out, there was a furrow between Andrew’s brows. “No answer.”
I handed him the rope and halter. “Can you get Phee? I’m going to drive up there and see what’s up.”
Andrew nodded. “I’ll walk Phoenix up.”
As Andrew took a few steps towards Phoenix, the mare danced away. I held up a hand. “Phee. It’s okay.” I pitched my voice low. “I gotta go find Jensen, so I need you to go with Andrew.” The mare studied
me and then took off at a gallop back towards the pasture. “Oh, fuck.”
Andrew gripped my shoulder. “She’s just heading home. We’ll drive up and get her back in the pasture. See what’s going on.”
I climbed behind the wheel, and Andrew slid into the passenger seat. I was silent as we drove, my hands clenching the steering wheel.
“You think something’s wrong, don’t you?”
My gaze flicked to Andrew for a brief moment before returning to the gravel road. “I don’t have a good feeling. But maybe I’m wrong. There’s been a lot going on, and I’ve been on edge.” I was never wrong about this kind of thing, but in this moment, I wished I were.
I pulled to a stop along the fence line. Phoenix paced back and forth by a spot near the fence. Not the gate, but the space where Jensen and I usually ducked between the rails to head for her boulder. Maybe Phee could smell her there or something.
Andrew looked at me, real worry creasing his face for the first time. “Her SUV isn’t here.”
I slid from the truck. “You get Phoenix, I’ll see what I can find.”
This time, Phoenix allowed herself to be harnessed. I held up a hand, stopping Andrew from placing her back in the pasture. “Wait just a minute. I want to see what tracks I can find. If you let her back in, she’ll just come straight over here.”
Andrew nodded. “I’ll hold her.”
I slowly walked towards the portion of the fence that Phoenix seemed so interested in. My gaze skimmed across the ground, and my steps faltered. Two deep ruts gouged the dirt about eight inches apart. Drag marks.
I pushed down the panic that wanted to surface as that muscle in my cheek flickered. I crouched. My eyes ran over the trajectory. About two feet from me, the drag marks stopped. Just stopped. There were so many footprints, I’d never be able to find much direction there.
My gaze ran back over the drag marks towards the fence, trying to follow the path, attempting to get my mind to paint the picture of what had happened. My vision stuttered on a crack in the fence.
Beautifully Broken Spirit Page 22
