by Nyrae Dawn
“You shouldn’t do this alone,” I tell him.
“And she shouldn’t have to.”
“What about you?”
At that Maddox glances at me. “It was her fucking birthday yesterday, Bee. My mom hung herself on Laney’s birthday after making her life shitty for years. Laney never deserved any of it. She never could have stopped all of the stuff that happened.”
Crossing my arms, I turn in the seat, fighting the urge to reach for him, to touch him, to soothe him. “You don’t deserve it either and you also couldn’t have stopped it.”
His jaw tightens and he doesn’t turn to look at me, doesn’t even reply.
My heart hurts because he’s shutting me out when he usually lets me in. Looking at him, I realize that’s what I want. He’s trusted me, and he let me come here with him. It’s scary—that part of me that wants him to continue to let me in. For it to go farther so I know even more about him. The fact that we’re here together speaks volumes for what we have become.
When we pull into a parking spot at the morgue, I push the door open and step out. I don’t make it more than a couple steps when Maddox’s hand grabs on to me. There’s not a bone in my body that even slightly tries to pull away from him. In fact, I squeeze him tighter.
“I’m not trying to be a dick. I . . .”
Maddox’s jaw is still tight—that angry look that makes people want to back up—but his eyes are telling a different story. It’s those that make me pull out of his grasp and wrap my arms around his neck. “You’re not being a jerk and if you were, you’d have the right. You’re taking care of your family. You’re doing something I never could.”
His hands fist in my sweatshirt, gripping me tightly to him. It feels as though he’d climb inside me if he could and I let myself revel in that.
“Thank you.” Maddox’s voice is low in my ear.
“No problem. Whatever you need. I’m . . . I’m here. If you want to talk or anything.”
At that he pulls away. “I’m fine. I . . .” He slides his hand around to the back of my neck. “I’m glad you’re here.”
My heart free-falls over the edge of a cliff. When I open my mouth to reply, no words come out. Maddox leans forward and kisses my forehead again. It’s the second time he’s done it and I feel it all the way to my toes. Instead of finding words, I grab his hand. It’s the best way I can think of to tell him I’m here for him. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be enough.
Chapter Twenty-Six
~Maddox~
Peaceful. That’s the first word that comes to mind as I look at Mom’s cold, empty body. For the first time in years, she looks peaceful. As fucked up as it sounds, I almost envy her for that. I hate what she did, hate it so fucking much that there’s this crippling ache in my chest. I hate how she treated Laney. Hate that she still loved my bastard dad. That she loved me, but there’s a part of me that is glad she found peace.
When my hand twitches with the urge to reach out and touch her, I squeeze Bee’s hand tighter, so fucking glad that she’s here. I need her at my side.
“Yeah . . . yeah, it’s her.”
The gray-haired man standing across from us nods. “I’ll give you a few minutes alone with her.”
Fuck that. I don’t want it, plays through my head, but the words don’t come out. He walks away, followed by the quiet click of a door closing behind him. There’s a sting in my eyes that I ignore. I haven’t cried since I was a kid and I don’t plan to start now. I hate myself for wanting to cry over her after the way she treated Laney. Still . . . when I look at her, I see my mom. The woman who used to play with us and laugh with us until my father betrayed her. Until I helped him do it.
I tense when Bee’s arm goes around me and she leans into my side. “I’m sorry, Scratch. So damn sorry.”
My lips don’t move but the urge to smile slips through me. Hearing her call me Scratch somehow helps. It feels normal when everything else is so fucked up.
“Me too.” That sting starts again, making me back up. Bee is right beside me as I turn to go from the room.
“You can stay. I can go out if you want to say good-bye.”
Good-bye . . . How do I say it to someone I both hate and love? To someone who hurt me and hurt people I care about but only because I’m the one who let her get hurt?
“I’m good.”
This is where my sister would try to get me to talk. Where she’d tell me it’s wrong and I should grieve and talk to her or whatever the hell else she thinks is important. Bee doesn’t say any of that, even though the words play in her eyes. She knows me and in this moment, that’s more important to me than anything ever has been.
We step out of the room and turn the corner, down the hall and then outside. The second we step out, I can’t stop myself from kissing her. From trying to tell her thanks in a way that is comfortable for both of us. She opens right up for me, letting my tongue stroke hers. It’s comforting and I don’t remember anyone ever making me feel like this. Fuck, I don’t remember wanting anyone to but then I think about the fact that my mom is dead inside that building. That she wrapped a rope around her neck and hung herself in her apartment and I’m standing out here being as selfish as I was when I kept Dad’s secret.
Pulling away from Bee, I say, “We should go.” The sun peeks through the clouds and sparkles off the piercing in her nose, reminding me of the ink I put in her back. I’m a part of her and fuck if I don’t like that.
It doesn’t take us long to get to the hotel where my sister got a room. Bee and I get our own before I text Laney to find out where she is. She sends a room number back to me, and even though I wish like hell I could turn around and walk right out of here, I head toward my sister. She needs me and I’ll be damned if I let her down again.
Adrian opens the room when we get there. There are two beds, Laney sitting on one and Colt and Cheyenne on the other.
“What’s up, man?” Colt nods at me. Adrian doesn’t say anything, just moves back to sit by my sister.
“I went to the morgue. Everything down there’s done. You don’t have to worry about it.” Except for paying for the services. He’d made sure to talk to me about that first thing.
“What?” Laney pushes to her feet and walks toward me. “You went there without me?” Her eyes are red and I wonder if she’s stopped crying since she found out.
“You shouldn’t have to do it.”
The look in her eyes changes to an anger she’s directed at me only one other time. “Fuck you, Maddox! Fuck what you think I should have to do!” she yells.
Adrian’s to his feet and by her side as Bee steps toward her. “He did something really fucking hard so you didn’t have to.”
Laney’s eyes dart to Bee as though she’s shocked she stood up for me, but I’m not. She would do it for anyone. That’s just her.
“Don’t.” My eyes don’t leave Laney as I talk to Bee. “If she has something to say, let her.”
Her voice is softer but still hurt when she says, “You should have told me you were going, Maddy! We should have done it together! I need the closure as much as you do! No matter what, I loved her and I’m tired of you treating me like I’m so breakable. I should have had the choice.”
Adrian’s grabbing for her, but Laney pulls free.
“You didn’t fucking need to be there! Look at you. You haven’t stopped crying and you want to go in there and see her dead?” The second the words are out, guilt slams into me.
“Don’t give her shit for feeling something because you don’t.” Adrian pulls Laney closer to him as though I’m going to hurt her. It’s a stab through my chest.
“Dude,” Bee says to him. “You need to stop—”
“Nah.” I step closer to Adrian, cutting Bee off. “Keep going, man. Say what you want to say.” Adrian moves closer, too.
Colt gets off the bed and then Cheyenne, probably expecting to have to break up a fight that would feel really fucking good to start. I open and close my hands,
my eyes right on Adrian.
Don’t give her shit for feeling something because you don’t . . .
My anger at him, at fucking everything tries to block out those words but it doesn’t work. That’s me, right? The cold bastard who doesn’t feel anything. Just like our dad.
“It’s not the fucking time for this shit. Your mom fucking died,” Colt says to me, then looks at Adrian. “Your girl’s mom is fucking dead. All of you need to grow the hell up.” There’s a depth to his voice that I don’t understand. Pain laces his words.
Laney doesn’t stop, though. She grabs my arm with both gentleness and anger, not letting go when I jerk away. “You need to stop doing this. Adrian is wrong—I know you feel something, but you need to stop trying to protect me. I love you and I know you love me but I can’t deal with being babied. We’ve been through this, Maddy. She was my mom; you’re my brother. I should have been there with you! When are you going to see that? We’re all each other has left now, but all you do is push me away.”
Her voice cracks, splintering me apart. Because she’s right. And because I know that I’m not a good brother. I’m not as fucking good as she is. “You heard your man, it’s because I don’t feel anything. You want to see her, go fucking see her. I’m done.”
Bee moves out of the way when I jerk the door open.
And then she slams it behind us, never farther than a foot away from me.
She doesn’t say anything as we head to our room. Part of me wonders if she thought I would leave but I can tell she doesn’t. That she knows me better than that because no matter what I said, I won’t walk out if Laney needs me. I might not be the best kind of brother, but this is the only kind I know how to be.
“I’m texting her that we’re in our room.”
I don’t have it in me to argue. It takes me three times to make the stupid keycard work before the green light flashes and I open the door. My hands are actually shaking as I pace the room, trying to breathe, trying not to think about beating Adrian’s ass or how much I disappoint my sister.
“Don’t feel guilty about what you did. It might not have ended up being the right thing but your heart was in the right place. Don’t let them make you feel like it wasn’t.”
“Was it? Was it in the right fucking place?” My feet won’t stop moving. “I did it because of guilt. Because I let them both down and that’s not being in a right place. It’s being selfish. It’s trying to make up for all the shit that I screwed up. That’s what I did, Bee. Don’t try to make a hero out of me.”
Once the words leave my mouth, there’s not even a second I want them back. I’m so tired of staying fucking quiet. I want this shit out of me. “Everything I do isn’t because I’m some great guy with a big fucking heart. It’s because I owe people. Because I let them down and this is the only way to make amends for it.”
Bee crosses her arms. “Bullshit. I don’t believe that for a second.” She leans against the table looking almost relaxed.
“Why? Do you see the good in everyone like my sister? Do you think you can save me? Honestly, I’m not that fucked up. My kid didn’t die. My mom didn’t hate me. I’m an asshole who kept his mouth shut for selfish reasons when I should have spoken up.”
“You’ve lost stuff too. Don’t try and pretend you haven’t.”
At that, I laugh. “What? Football? A dad who I don’t give a shit about anyway?”
“A dad who was still your dad. Football, which was something you loved. And what about your mom? Your sister? Your childhood? You can pretend all you want that you’ve never been hurt before and that you’ve never lost anything, but I will continue to call bullshit, Scratch. Loss is loss. It’s not a contest about who’s been hurt more. We all have our own battles to fight.”
I’m suddenly begging my mouth to stay shut. I’m going into territory I’ve never traveled before. I wish like hell I had a cigarette on me, but since I don’t, I walk over to the window and push the curtain open. It’s something to keep me busy because as much as I’ve never wanted to talk, I know I’m about to do just that. I have to tell someone and she’s the only person I can imagine seeing inside me.
“Did you miss the part where I said it’s my fault? That I could have stopped it?”
“Well I’m about to get to the part where I say it doesn’t matter.”
Her reply almost makes me laugh but it’s stuck inside me. She doesn’t get it. How much everyone has lost. Turning around, I look at her—at her blond hair and the determined look on her face. At her gorgeous fucking body and know that I want her to know me in a way no one else has. That even though I never thought I would fall for anyone that I’ve somehow fallen for this woman.
That I love her . . . because everything almost feels okay with her standing with me. Going to the morgue was easier and seeing Laney too. There’s always this anger inside me that she somehow soothes.
She deserves to know who I am.
“I knew, Bee. I knew Dad gambled and I went with him—races, illegal games, whatever he could find. I found out later about the cheating and I never told. I let myself believe he wasn’t going to hurt Mom anymore and let him continue to lie about his trips out of town so he could make money for me. Because I wanted football so fucking bad and scholarships weren’t a guarantee.”
She takes another step closer to me, so close I feel the heat of her and wish I could lose myself in it.
“You were a kid. It wasn’t your job to fix it. He put you in a bad position with all his secrets.”
Nausea turns in my gut at what I’m going to say next. At the thought of how much my silence has hurt other people. “I knew he wasn’t where he said he would be the weekend he killed Adrian’s son. I knew and we fought and he told me to keep my fucking mouth closed and I did. I sat back and pretended he was working when I knew he wasn’t. I let him go and lied to my mom. He got in that car with another woman and killed Adrian’s kid!”
The words are almost choking me now but I can’t stop them from coming out. My heart is beating so hard my chest hurts and I see Adrian’s son’s eyes, which are engraved into my brain after as many times as I’ve looked him up online over the years.
The same man who loves my little sister more than anything. Who takes care of her better than I ever could despite the fact that she’s connected to the worst fucking moment of his life—not knowing that one word from me could have stopped it all. I hate it that I let myself be a silent bystander.
“He was two years old when he died. Two. And even though I hated my father and stopped playing ball with him, I still let my stupid fucking dream get in the way of doing what was right. I let him go and he killed Ashton and broke Adrian and I’ve still kept my mouth shut this whole time. I don’t have the balls to step forward even now.
“I’ve hated Mom for being so broken all these years when it was partially my fault. When she died, I almost felt . . . Christ it was almost a relief because she won’t be hurting anymore and she can’t hurt my sister. What kind of guy feels relief when his mom kills herself?”
We’re standing only a few inches from her. I’m breathing heavy, my chest heaving in and out, my fists tight as I wait for her to tell me I’m as weak as I know I am. For her to be disgusted because I’ve let so many people get hurt and I treat them all like shit, even though I could have stood for something important for once in my life.
When everything went down with Adrian and Laney, I accused him of being a pussy, when I’m even worse. I’m weak and I’m a liar.
“He was a kid, Bee. And Mom . . . fuck, she loved my dad. I hate her for how she treated Laney but she really fucking loved him. My sister lost both her parents and lives with the knowledge of what our dad did every time she looks at Adrian. One word from me could have changed everything.”
We could have been happy. People didn’t have to die.
My eyes find Bee again, afraid of what I’ll see there. I wait as she crosses her arms, looks up at me before she finally speaks, her words comp
letely unexpected. “Are you done now, Scratch?”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
~Bee~
Maddox is speechless. He’s standing in front of me with his mouth open and I’m praying like hell I’m doing the right thing. There’s a part of me that wants to reach for him—to pull him to me and hold him because he’s living with so much misplaced guilt. He’s taking the blame for Adrian’s kid, his sister, his mom, and everyone else his dad hurt when none of it was his fault.
Because he loves them?
When Maddox still doesn’t reply, I continue. “You’re too smart to think all that is your fault. I can imagine how everything you’ve been through hurts. None of it was your doing, though.”
When he steps to the side as though he’s going to go around me, I follow, keeping in front of him. Maddox could easily push me out of the way but he won’t. I know it.
“If I would have told—”
“Then maybe, maybe things would have turned out differently, but there’s a good chance they wouldn’t have. Your mom still would have been hurt by him. He probably wouldn’t have quit gambling or left the other woman for her, which means he still could have been on that road.”
“But he might not have too!” he yells, his eyes slightly wet. No tears fall because that’s not Maddox. I wonder if he’s ever opened himself up enough to cry, even when he’s alone.
“I need to get out of here.” He moves to step around me again. Before he can, I grab his arm.
“You said you don’t want to be a pussy, so don’t. I’m telling you something here. Don’t run.”
“Pfft.” He pulls away but makes no attempt to leave. “Look who’s talking. I know shit about you, Bee. I’ve told you things about me I’ve never told anyone else, and I don’t know why you run from a mom who obviously loves you or why you needed a new name. I know shit about you, so you have no right talking to me about running.”
His words stab me, a truth that I wish I could change—wish I could be like him because I actually want him to know me in the way he’s let me know him.
