No, no. You don’t need another size. You look perfect. Just perfect, Zac. Don’t change anything. I like your height; I like the length of your arms. They’re all perfect.
“It’s just unsuitable,” I tell him again. “Stop asking questions. Just go change.”
I push him into the changing room again and hand him another shirt. When all’s done, I slump back in the waiting chair, exhausted.
This mission of making Zac tired and humiliated from changing clothing is fast turning into my own mission of trying to keep myself from turning into a sinner. I think I’m going crazy seeing Zac trying on all of these different style shirts.
When he appeared in the white shirt, Zac looked like a rough bad boy, the everyday hero of every teenage dream. And when the he came out with the blue shirt, I almost salivated.
I drum my head. Ivy, you stupid girl. Zac is not a piece of meat. He’s your friend. Your friend. Don’t get any rude ideas. Friends don’t fall in love with friends. They’re companions to brighten the dull day. That’s all.
Not wanting to feel this overpowering emotion towards Zac, I put all my thirst and energy into my mission of revenge. I go to find more shirts. Maybe this time I’ll pick something that’s ugly. Anything. I know. Maybe I should go for brown. Brown is an ugly color.
I’m about to pick up a brown shirt when the sales assistant from before comes marching towards me like she’s on a mission, with her determined stride and that smile on her lips. She stops right in front of me and says hello.
“Hello,” I say back with a smile.
“Are you looking for a shirt for your boyfriend now? Do you need some help?”
“What? No, no, no.” I shake my head vigorously. “I… I—”
Zac must have heard the sale assistant asking me because he appears out of the changing room at that moment and walks towards me. When I see him, I almost suffocate again. He has on a pink shirt. A pink shirt. A pink shirt that’s supposed to make a man look less manly, yet on Zac, it looks so manly.
“Ah, Ivy. There you are. I was looking all over for you. Can you help me with the cuffs, babe? I can’t fold it myself.”
“Babe.” I repeat the word in shock. Did Zac just call me babe?
“Are you okay, babe? Do you want to sit down? Are you tired?”
“I’m… I’m fine,” I say, still in shock.
“Okay then. Well, can you look at this shirt, then, and give me your opinion?”
“I… I… I…” I stutter, looking up at his massive frame and the pink shirt hugging him so snuggly, outlining his broad chest.
“Are you all right, babe? Do you want some water? Something stuck in your throat?” Zac asks, a twinkle in his eyes. And then I realize it. He’s trying to embarrass me in front of the sales assistant.
“Zac!” I grit between my teeth.
“Yes, babe?” he asks, feigning innocence. “You don’t like the shirt. Want me to go change into another one?”
The assistant smiles warmly and urges me to go look at Zac. “I’m good at giving all sorts of fashion advice, but it looks like your man only wants your opinion.”
I can’t do much at that point. I glumly admit defeat and go to help Zac pick out a shirt.
“It looks fine,” I say. “Let’s go.”
At the end, it ends up being me that is humiliated. He pays for the cost of that shirt, which is a hundred. But he said he’d add it in with the other thousand dollars of gifts he got for me. Now I owe him eleven hundred, which would equate to fifty-five lunch dates. I sigh heavily as we get in the car.
In the car, he apologizes to me. “I just want to practice speaking when I have a girlfriend. It sounds very nice when I call your name and add that endearment.”
“But I’m not your girlfriend, Zac. I’m your friend,” I tell him.
“I know. Just practicing,” he says cheekily.
We arrive home at last. Zac goes inside without my permission to see Moon. Moon is ecstatic.
“Zacky! Zacky! You came to visit me.” Moon lungs herself at Zac.
“I am. I am.” Zac picks Moon up and twirls her around the room. “Hey, Moon, have you ever been on an airplane?”
“Yes. When we moved to Dunedin.”
“Do you like riding on the airplane?”
“I have. It’s so much fun. It sounds broooomm, broooomm.”
“Well, let’s go for an airplane ride, then,” Zac says before twirling Moon around the room in midair.
Moon giggles and chuckles like there is no tomorrow. She is having so much fun that I can’t help laughing along when I watch her.
“Zacky, do it again, do it again. I want to ride the plane again,” Moon pleads Zac when he stops for a rest.
Zac eyes me. I smile back and he nods his head and then turns to Moon to give her his full attention.
“But this airplane is now out of petrol. It needs more petrol. Otherwise, it won’t run.”
“What kind of petrol does the airplane need?” Moon asks Zac. “Water?”
“No.” Zac shakes his head, turns to me, and gives me a wink.
I blush and look down. By the time I look up again, Zac’s attention is already on Moon.
“How about juice, then? Or milk?”
“No. No juice or milk.”
“What does the engine of your plane need, then?”
“A kiss on the cheek,” Zac says and puffs one of his cheeks out.
Moon gives him a peck on the cheek, and then Zac turns his face to the other side and puffs that side of his cheek too. Moon leans in and kisses that side too.
“All filled up now?” Moon asks after she finishes kissing Zac.
“Yep, all filled up,” Zac says, giving me another glance before turning to Moon again. “Now let’s go for another plane ride.” And then he picks Moon up and they go for another twirl around the room.
“Zac is so sweet, isn’t he?” Clare asks me out of the blue.
“Umm. Yes,” I say, already knowing where this is heading.
“You know I fell in love with your brother in high school?”
“Yes, Clare. You told me this before.” I give her my mundane look, the one that says, Please, not that story again.
“What?” Clare exclaims when she sees that look on my face. “I was only cheering you on. If Zac asks you to be his girlfriend, would you go for it?”
“Clare, please.” I laugh drily, shaking my head. “Zac is not my boyfriend. He’s only a friend. He said that to me already. He wants to be my friend.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, really.”
“But, I mean, if he asks you to be his girlfriend, would you go for it?”
No matter how many times I tell myself to please let this possibility be true, it’s not going to happen anyway. I don’t live in the fairytale world of Cinderella or Snow White, where there are fairy godmothers who make all my wishes come true. I know if I allow myself to hope for even a little bit that Zac would like me even a bit more than a friend would, I know I would get hurt. And I don’t want to travel along that route. It’s enough to have him as a friend as it is now. Plus, there’s the fact that Zac is the brother of Dillon. All the more reason for me not to think on that road.
“Clare. Please. Zac is never going to ask me that question. So can we just drop the subject?” I turn back to Zac and Moon. They’re still playing their airplane ride game.
Clare just nods and remains silent. It’s pretty unusual for her to act this way. Usually, she would retort with something else or give me another witty line. So why is she behaving like this? I know something’s not right.
“Clare, what’s wrong? What is it?”
“It’s all right, Ivy. You go and entertain Zac and Moon. I’ll tell you later.”
I catch her arm as she’s about to leave.
“No, Clare. You tell me now. What’s going on?”
“Just this once, listen to me, Ivy. Go and entertain Zac until he goes home. Then I’ll tell you.”
I mutely nod and watch her go to Gigi’s room.
Zac finally leaves after spending more than an hour at my house. We walk Zac to his car. He stands in front of me and says it was a very enjoyable day for him. I smile back.
“Thank you for today too. I owe you lots of meals now.”
“That’s right. You have to take me out often. Or invite me to eat here often.”
I smile and ask him, “How often?”
“Mmmm.” He pretends to tap his chin and think. I only laugh at his gesture. He laughs too before saying, “How about breakfast, lunch, and dinner? That would allow you to pay me faster.”
I laugh again and nod.
Zac only grins back, giving me one of his dashing smiles, and I find my knees almost giving in.
I shyly look away, my cheeks suddenly feeling hot.
Dear me, why am I feeling all shy in front of Zac all of a sudden like this?
“Can this airplane get a refuel before heading away home?”
I turn back to see Zac crouching down and talking to Moon.
“Mmmm.” Moon nods and gives Zac a kiss on his cheek again. Zac smiles and kisses Moon on her cheek too before ruffling her hair and getting up from his crouching position. He goes to his car and takes out a bag of something. Then he crouches down to Moon’s level again and gives her the bag.
“This is for you,” he says, his attention all on Moon.
When Moon takes a peek inside the bag, her eyes shine and she jumps up and down, then hugs Zac around the neck and repeatedly said, “I love you, Zacky. I love you.”
Zac laughs as he hugs Moon back. Once Moon has calmed down, he whispers something into her ear while he fixes his gaze at me, his eyes glittering with light. I can only smile back, wondering what’s inside that bag that made Moon so excited like this.
Once they’re done with their exchange of information, Zac stands back up and turns to me. “Well then. I’ll see you at school tomorrow, Ivy. Have a good night. It might be cold tonight so make sure you put an extra blanket on your bed,” he tells me, then gets into his car and drives off.
I wave good-bye to Zac with Moon beside me. When his car has gone out of sight, I turn to my niece and ask, “Want to tell me what’s in the bag?”
“Zacky gave me nuts and dried fruits. He said to eat them if I’m hungry before meals. He calls them diabetic snacks. I love him heaps,” she says, then skips into the house.
I follow her, shaking my head but with a smile permanently stretched on my face, almost forgetting the melancholy air from before. It’s not until I step foot inside the house again that I remember I have to talk to Clare. I immediately go to find her.
Clare is in the kitchen, eating cheese, looking sulky.
“Clare,” I call out to her. “What did you want to tell me?”
“I think you better go and see Nancy,” Clare says, taking a slow bite of her cheese. “She would be better at telling you the story.”
The story. What story?
I hasten my pace and approach Gigi’s room. I knock on her door before going in.
She’s in bed, huddled up in her thick blanket. I approach her quietly, just in case she’s sleeping already.
“Ivy, is that you, dear?” she asks me as I get near her.
“Yes, Grandma,” I say, holding on to her hand when she goes to grasp mine. I know immediately that whatever the story is, it’s not good. “What’s wrong, Grandma? I saw Clare. She said to come see you.”
“I saw him, Ivy. I saw the man who killed your parents and brother,” she cries softly, her lips trembling.
I gasp and my breathing becomes heavy, like I’m running out of air. Grandma saw Dillon already? He’s here in Dunedin again. I thought Zac said he lives in Queenstown.
“I hate them. I don’t want to see them,” she sobs quietly, shaking her head.
“Grandma.” I comfort her, laying my head on her lap. “It’s okay, Grandma. If we don’t go and interfere with them, then I’m sure they won’t interfere in our lives.”
“I know, dear,” Gigi pats my head. “I’ve tried to move on, but I can’t help feeling mad every time I see his face. I can’t forget your parents and brother in their coffins. They don’t even resemble my son, nor my daughter-in-law, nor my grandson. They were just remnants.”
“Grandma, don’t talk about the past. It hurts too much.” I hold on to her hands and cry into the blanket, my shoulders shaking. “Can we remember Mom and Dad and Brian in their happier times when we were together?”
Talking about the past hurts too much. I’ve tried for five years to stop this nightmare. We’ve even tried to move away to the farthest part of New Zealand, all the way to Dunedin, to the bottom of the South Island, to get away from that scene, from that environment in Auckland, just so Gigi, Clare, and I could forget about the past, but it still comes back to haunt us.
“Yes, dear. But sometimes I find myself thinking why I’m still alive, in this old body, when I can’t even find the strength to get up every morning. Yet your parents and brother were so young and they get to go first. Sometimes, dear, my hand hurts and I want to cry. I take the medication the doctor gives me, but it doesn’t help. I can still feel the pain. My arthritis plays up when it gets cold. Now I find it’s even hard to pick up Monica. If I could, I would trade my life for Bruce, Sarah, and Brian. They can use my life. I’m too old to live.”
“Grandma,” I cry even harder, clasping her hand even tighter. “Don’t say things like that. You’re the only remaining relative I’ve got, apart from Clare and Moon. If you go, then who am I going to rely on? I can’t live if you’re not here.”
“Dear, I’m sorry to make you worry. But sometimes I get too tired with living. I just want to go back to see God.”
“Grandma, please stop talking about dying. Don’t you want to see me grow up? Don’t you want to see me graduate from law school? Don’t you want to see me marry and have children? Don’t you, Grandma? Don’t you?” I cry, my tears wetting her bed sheets.
“Ivy, dear. I do. I want to see you go to law school. I want to see you graduate. I want to see your children and your husband… but…”
“No buts, Grandma, please, no buts. For me, live for me. Live for Moon, live for Clare. We all need you.”
“Mmmm.” Gigi sobs again, nodding her head. “I’ll try, dear. I’ll try.”
I kiss Gigi good night and watch her sleep. Then I close her door and go to see Clare. I collapse onto her in tears as I cry my heart out.
“Grandma, grandma,” I cry into Clare’s lap, choking in midsentence. “She said she wants to die. Grandma wants to die. She said when the weather gets cold, her arthritis plays up and she cries because it’s too painful. Why did we move to Dunedin, Clare? Why? Grandma said it’s the cold. It’s the cold that makes her arthritis play up. I don’t know what else to do anymore. Clare, what do we do?”
“Ivy, it’s okay.” Clare soothes me, running her hand over my head to comfort me. “Nancy’s depressed. We need to take her to see the doctor. I’ve already made her an appointment to see the GP. Don’t worry. Nancy will be fine after she’s been to see the doctor.”
“But…”
“It’s okay, Ivy. It’s okay.” Clare runs her fingers along the strands of my hair to calm me down.
I lift my head and look at Clare. “It’s all because she saw Dillon, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” Clare sighs deeply. She has a faraway look about her. Then she turns to me and says, “She saw Dillon today when she was out shopping with me. I didn’t see him, but she saw him. She started shaking, so I took her home. She stayed in bed all day, refusing to get up.”
I cry some more when Clare says this. It makes me feel guilty that while Gigi was suffering, I was out having fun with Zac.
“It’s getting late now, Ivy,” Clare says after some time. “You should go wash up. Go to bed. You have school tomorrow.”
I reluctantly get up from my position and go to my room, my eyes red raw. No more tears wo
uld flow anymore. I’ve cried until they’ve run dry. I got to my bedroom and close my eyes, resting my head against the door for a bit.
Once again, I’m reminded of why it is so dangerous to hang around Zac. If Gigi were to know, she would suffer even more than right now.
That night I lay the dresses and scarf that Zac bought for me on my bed and stare at them. I look at the blue dress with the blue mini jacket that comes with it. My first precious item from Zac. Then I look at the scarf. My second precious item from Zac. I look at the third dress next, the green one that Zac bought for me anyway, despite me wanting to return it.
I want to cry again, but no tears will come out. So I sit on the floor and hug my knees, rocking myself back and forth, trying to comfort myself.
I’m in a dilemma. I need to decide on whether I should continue to see Zac as a friend or end our friendship altogether. If I continue to see Zac and Gigi and Clare find out, then the consequences would be disastrous. I don’t even know what would happen to Gigi. If I let Zac go, my heart would cry and feel pain because I will lose the one guy I think I’m starting to fall for.
I sit like this for a long, long time until I can feel my legs going numb. I get up, finally making my decision. I put all the dresses and scarf back inside the wardrobe, hiding them all behind my other clothes in the farthest corner.
I stand back, looking at the items again, staring at them all for one last time, wanting to ingrain them all into my memory. Then I finally close the door, for those items never to be seen by my eyes ever again.
Chapter 18
ZAC
The End of the Beginning
I don’t feel the cold night air blowing onto my face as I drive the car back home with the window open, nor do I feel the raindrops that are starting to spit onto my face from the sky above. My teeth are chattering like a sewing machine from the outward wind gusting into the car, but I don’t care. My hands are numbed from the base of my palm all the way to the ends of my fingertips, but I still don’t care. That’s because…
I’m in love. I’m in love and it feels so damn good. Especially when the person you love likes you back.
Let Me Love You: A Novel Page 17
