He paused for a moment before he slammed his drawer closed. “Fuck!” His voice reverberated in the confines of his room and I winced. “I told him to see his fucking doctor weeks ago, and he refused. I should have called and made him an appointment my goddamn self. I knew something was wrong, and I didn’t do shit about it!”
He leaned over and planted both hands on the top of his dresser. His shoulders rose and fell with deep breaths for a moment before he yelled again and swiped everything off the surface. Deodorant and cologne went crashing to the floor as he screamed, “Son of a bitch!”
I stood stock still in the middle of the room at a complete loss. I didn’t know how to comfort him. Didn’t know how to make him see reason or to calm down enough to talk to him. He’d never been farther out of my reach than he was in that instant.
He turned around again and placed both hands on top of his head, his fingers grabbing thick handfuls of hair. “This is all my fucking fault,” he mumbled. Then louder, “I knew getting involved with someone was the wrong fucking decision. I knew I should have kept my distance.” His hands fell to his sides and my heart thumped unevenly in my chest.
“What are you saying?” I asked softly.
He spun around, his eyes almost vacant as he stared at me. “I’m saying I knew I didn’t have room in my life for you, but I was being fucking selfish again. I thought I could have you and still take care of everything else in my life, but I was wrong, again. If I hadn’t had my thoughts so wrapped around you, maybe I could have taken better care of Gramps. I fucked up and now he’s dead.”
My heart crumbled piece by piece inside my chest as I stared into his lifeless eyes. “So, this was my fault?” I whispered.
“No. It’s mine. It’s always mine.”
He turned around again, pulling a clean t-shirt from his drawer and tugging it over his head. I watched helplessly as he got dressed without another word. When he was done, he walked by, not even sparing me a glance.
I followed him into the kitchen as he stalked toward the door. “Where are you going?”
“I need to go to the hospital.”
“Can I come with you?”
“No.”
I swallowed harshly. “Remy please. I want to help.”
“I don’t need your help, Belle. I need to take care of shit and I need to do it alone.”
With that, he stormed through the door and slammed it behind him. I listened carefully as he fired up his car’s engine and peeled out of our lot. I continued to stand frozen in the middle of the kitchen, my mind a mess and my heart feeling like it was hemorrhaging in my chest.
The silence of the apartment engulfed me, and thoughts of Remy were pushed aside as the reality of losing Gramps took the front seat. I bit my lip and buried my head in my hands, but it didn’t stop the torrent of tears from cascading down my face. I slumped to my knees in the middle of the kitchen as I let my own grief bury me.
I’d only known Gramps for a couple months, but he’d become a part of my family. In fact, I’d spent more time with him in these past weeks than I’d spent with my own relatives in years. My memories of him consumed me as one thought swam to the surface.
I hadn’t even said goodbye to him before I stormed out of the wedding.
In fact, the last time I’d talked to him had been before the ceremony even started, when we parted ways and I went to find Bailey while they joined Ryder in his room. I hadn’t even said anything important. Maybe just see you later or something equally as stupid.
If I’d known it was going to be my last time talking to him, I’d have said something so much more meaningful. I could have thanked him for welcoming me into his home and his life. I could have hugged him one last time or traded some well-meaning quip with him. Anything that wasn’t just the lame-ass wave and sterile comment I’d left him with.
And now, I’d never have the chance to do anything else. Or to tell him what his acceptance of me really meant.
As I sat wallowing in sorrow, my thoughts turned to Remy and how he must have been feeling. Had he been able to properly say goodbye to Gramps? Did he have regrets too? I didn’t know. I had no idea what was going through his head besides the anger that had to just be on the surface. Didn’t I know all too well that it was easier to get mad than it was to feel sad?
I used the hem of my shirt to dry my face before I climbed to my feet. The time for me to drown in my own despair was over. I needed to stow those feelings and focus on what was important.
And that was Remy.
I didn’t know what I could do for him, but I knew I needed to do something. He needed someone.
No.
He needed me and I needed to get to him and be with him no matter what he said.
In the last conversation I’d had with Gramps, he’d made me promise to take care of Remy, almost like he knew this was coming. And I had no intention of letting him down.
It may have taken me a while to admit my feelings for him, but once I was in, I was all in. I loved Remy more than I’d thought possible and I wasn’t going to let him go through this alone.
I shook my head to clear it as I walked back into my bedroom, a plan already forming in my mind. Firing up my computer, I sent Bailey a quick private message on Instagram. Although she and her new husband had insisted on turning their phones off, knowing my best friend, she wouldn’t be able to resist for long. Hopefully she’d see my message and get in touch with me or Remy. Ryder needed to know about Gramps as soon as possible.
Next thing I did was wash my face and get dressed. Nothing was going to be solved in my pajamas. When I was presentable, I used my computer to order an Uber. I needed to get to a store and get a temporary phone as soon as possible. As I waited for the Uber, I cursed myself for not taking care of it yesterday.
But yesterday, I’d been the victim. I’d let Remy take care of me as I fell apart and sank into myself. That ended now.
Today, I needed to be strong. I needed to set aside my own shit and do what I had to do for Remy. He was the most important person in my life, and he was going through something awful. Worse, he was doing it all alone. I needed to take care of a few things and then I was headed to find him.
Chapter 43
Remy
I used the anger bubbling inside me to fuel my drive to the hospital. It was easy to do because it streamed from every one of my pores. It seemed like there wasn’t anyone I wasn’t angry with at that moment.
I was pissed at Gramps for not taking care of his health like he should have. I knew something was wrong when he’d been complaining of heartburn a couple weeks ago and I’d asked him to make an appointment, but he’d refused. If he’d been seen, maybe this could have been prevented. If he wasn’t so goddamn stubborn, maybe he’d still be alive.
I was angry at Ryder for being on his honeymoon with his fucking phone turned off. What kind of an asshole stays out of contact for that long? There’s always the possibility something could happen, and this time, it did. That didn’t stop me from dialing his number every few minutes and listening to his voicemail over and over. I’d already left three messages, not that it was doing much good.
Next, I turned my rage toward Belle. If she hadn’t captured my attention so completely, maybe I’d have noticed more warning signs in Gramps. If I wasn’t so obsessed with her, I could have been taking care of the little family I had left. If she hadn’t gone out with that bastard Nick and been assaulted, I wouldn’t have spent the whole day with her. I would have gone up to Gramps’ like I always did, and I knew I could have prevented this. I would have noticed something was wrong and got him help before it was too late.
Last and most importantly of all, I was murderously angry at my own damn self.
I’d let myself become distracted by a woman.
I’d let Gramps brush off my concerns and my request that he see his cardiologist sooner.
I’d let my obligations to my grandpa slip in favor of chasing after a woman and now I’d lost half of
the only family I had left.
Hell, I’d probably lost her too. After the way I’d treated her just now, after the way I’d talked to her when she was only trying to help, I wouldn’t blame her if she was over it. Over me. It would serve me right too. Losing Gramps because I was taking care of Belle and then losing Belle because I was a piece of shit who couldn’t handle the guilt and grief crushing me.
And it really did feel like it was crushing me. Every second that passed it got harder to breathe. My chest hurt, like there were hundreds of pounds bearing down on my ribcage, compressing my organs and flattening out my lungs. I tried taking deep, even breaths, but couldn’t. It felt like I was suffocating.
I pressed harder on the gas pedal, willing the people on the highway in front of me to move the hell out of the way. The need to get there faster warred with the desire to never get there at all.
Maybe if I didn’t go to the hospital, I could pretend like none of this ever happened. I could pretend that Gramps was still alive and well, watching game show reruns on TV and eating the leftovers I’d left in his fridge. If I didn’t have to see him, I didn’t have to admit that this was really happening. That he was really gone.
Despite my conflicting wishes, I arrived at the hospital within minutes. I parked my car as soon as I could and raced inside to find out where they’d taken Gramps. After I’d checked with the front desk, I quickly made my way to the right floor, and as soon as I turned down the hall where they’d said he was, I found Linda standing there with a man in a long white lab coat.
“Doctor, this is the man’s grandson.” Turning to me, she said, “Remy, I’m so sorry.”
I waved her words away. “Can I have a few minutes alone with him?”
She looked to the doctor, who nodded. “Of course. Take all the time you need.”
I walked past them, and she patted my shoulder before stepping out of the way. As I walked into the sterile hospital room, I tried to prepare myself for what I was about to face.
When I walked around the curtain, my eyes zeroed in on a hospital bed and the lumps under the blanket that must have been him. With a deep breath and a harsh swallow, I cautiously crossed the room until I was standing beside him.
His eyes were closed, and if I hadn’t known better, I might have thought he was just sleeping in. But his chest didn’t rise and fall with his breaths and there was something else missing. Something vital that drove home the truth.
This wasn’t my grandfather.
Not anymore.
My gramps had been lively and ornery and funny and a pain in my ass. This man lying deathly still on the bed was none of those things. He was just a shell. Everything my gramps used to be was gone now. What made him Gramps was lost.
I reached out and wrapped my fingers around his cold hand one more time. Squeezing tightly, I let my head fall forward.
“I’m sorry, Gramps,” I whispered. “I should have been there for you. Should have been taking care of you when you needed me.”
I sank to my knees next to his bed and rested my head on the mattress. “If I can just wake up from this nightmare, I promise I’ll never miss another night at your house. I’ll be there every afternoon and stay until you kick me out. Just, please, don’t let this be real.”
I sat like that for a long time as my fingers went numb from squeezing Gramps’ hand so tight. Finally, the buzzing of my cell phone interrupted the silent room, and with a sigh, I pulled it out, hoping it was Ryder. The caller was an unknown local number that I let go to voicemail. I didn’t have the capacity to deal with anyone or anything else at this point.
When I looked up at Gramps, he was just as still as he’d been when I walked in here, and with my heart frozen in my chest, I had to admit that nothing was going to bring him back. Gramps was gone, and this was my new reality.
I climbed to my feet before leaning over and kissing him on his cool forehead. Without another glance, I left. When I walked back out into the hallway, I found the doctor there with Linda.
“You all set, Mr. MacAlister?” he asked.
I nodded once before he launched into a long-winded explanation of what he thought happened to Gramps and what came next. I heard the words heart attack repeated over and over, but my brain couldn’t process the rest of the information, so I just nodded at what I hoped were the appropriate times while my world collapsed around me.
“Is there anyone else we can call for you, Mr. MacAlister? Any other family that should be notified.”
I swallowed. “Just my brother, but he’s on his honeymoon and I haven’t been able to reach him yet.”
“I see. Do you know when he’s expected back?”
“This Sunday.”
The doctor pursed his lips. “You should probably try his hotel or something. I’m sure you’ll want to lay your grandfather to rest sometime this weekend.”
His words reverberated through my head as I tried to grasp onto them.
I’d be laying my grandfather to rest in just a few short days. Then he’d really be gone forever. I don’t think it really hit me until that moment.
I dug my fingers into my hair and held on as I tried to get my head to stop spinning and just focus on one thing at a time.
The doctor continued on with more platitudes and well wishes, but I was tuning most of it out. My brain couldn’t absorb anything more than it already had.
Finally, the doctor turned to Linda and directed another barrage of questions her way that I ignored. Pulling out my phone, I tried Ryder’s number for the dozenth time, but still only got his voicemail.
He and Bailey had rented an Air BnB somewhere in western Mass, so it wasn’t like I could call their hotel and leave a message for them. My only hope was to look around their apartment and see if I could figure out what town they were staying in and get an officer sent to their rental to inform them. It seemed drastic, but I was running out of options, and soon, I’d be running out of time.
The doctor walked off shortly afterward as Linda prepared to leave. “Do you need anything, hun? I have other clients to see, but I could call in a replacement and help you if you need me.”
I shook my head. “No, no. I’m fine, Linda. You should go.”
She eyed me warily. “Are you sure? I don’t mind staying. I’m not sure you should be alone right now.”
In that instant, the only thing I could think about was solitude. Space to breathe and think and feel without eyes on me. Without having to answer questions I had no idea about or even just make polite conversation. I needed some room to just be for a little while and that meant Linda had to go.
“Really, I’m fine. Thank you for everything today.”
“Okay, Remy. If you’re sure.” She shouldered her bag and started down the hall. “You let me know about arrangements. I want to be there to say goodbye.”
I swallowed harshly but nodded. “Okay,” I croaked before clearing my throat. “I’ll be in touch.”
She shot me one last worried glance before finally leaving me to the seclusion I’d been craving.
However, once I was alone, I realized I was the loneliest I’d ever been. I had absolutely no one to turn to. Not a single person to talk to or share the burden with. I was truly alone for the first time in my life.
I stood outside Gramps’ room for a long time before I realized there was nothing here for me. Nothing to wait around for. No reason to stand here anymore, so with a head full of fog and a heart full of grief, I headed out of the hospital and got in my car.
Once there, I knew exactly where I wanted to be and headed north on the highway. A little while later, I pulled up in front of Gramps’ house, the place gloomier than I’d ever seen it.
I walked in and wandered into the living room to stand in the doorway, my eyes drifting toward Gramps’ chair. It was worn and ugly, but he loved that damn thing. I crossed the room and took a tentative seat in his spot as the emotions I’d been suppressing rose up and washed over me like a tidal wave.
That
heaviness was back in my chest and I clutched my shirt in my fisted hand. I leaned over and put my head between my knees as I struggled to draw a deep enough breath. My eyes were tightly closed, but that didn’t stop the images from flashing behind them.
A silent movie of all the memories I had with Gramps played on repeat. The countless rounds of Scrabble we’d played. The many game shows we’d watched together. The lessons and advice he’d given as often as I’d listen. All of them streamed through my mind for hours, one after another until they were just a blur.
As I sat gasping in my grandfather’s old chair, I heard a knock on the front door. When I sat up and opened my eyes, I realized the sun had set and I was sitting in complete darkness. I turned on the lamp next to me before getting up to answer the door.
My mind was a blank and I don’t know who I expected to be on the other side, but in no scenario was it Belle. Her beautiful face was full of worry as she pulled open the screen door.
“Hey, Remy.”
I stepped out onto the front stoop, my mind still spinning. “What are you doing here?”
She flinched, and I felt like the biggest asshole. “I told you I want to help.”
“There’s nothing for you to do, Belle.”
She set her jaw and tipped her head back to look me in the eye. “Then I want to be here for you.”
I shook my head. “I don’t need you here. You should just go home.”
My gut twisted as I spewed words I knew would hurt her. Words meant to send her running the other way. I didn’t want her sympathy or empathy or anything like it. I wanted to be left alone to wallow in my misery and grief.
I turned to walk back in the house when she grabbed my arm. “I’m not leaving.”
I spun around and shook off her hand. “I’ve got nothing for you!” I yelled. She took a small step back, her eyes widening. “I’m empty, Belle. I’ve got nothing to offer. I’m completely fucking spent.”
She shook her head, her jaw tensing again. “I’m not asking for anything. I’m just trying to be there for you. To be by your side like you were by mine. You don’t always have to be the strong one. Don’t you think it’s time you let someone take care of you for a change, Remy?”
Beyond Beautiful (Love in Providence Book 2) Page 38
