Well, had been.
After four months of taking my mental health seriously, I wasn’t those things anymore. I still struggled with the clouds, but I had learned not to ignore them. They were there and they wouldn’t go away if I didn’t make a conscious effort to do something.
The day after Amaris had left, I’d struggled. It had been more than fog obstructing my vision. It was an entire maelstrom. A category five hurricane. Dark thoughts had knocked against all four corners of my mind and I fought to stay afloat.
I’d traumatized Amaris and my mother.
I had lost the very thing that was keeping me above board.
It was all my fault.
But the pressure hadn’t taken me under. Something about what Amaris had said sliced through the thunder and pinned me. I’d taken the antidepressants and gone to see the doctors. None of that shit had worked immediately, but I started running every morning, as soon as I woke up, sprinting across the tarmac in the early morning light. I’d watch the sun rise and let its burning hot energy fill me up. I’d even gone to a couple of church services. Amaris’s mother was a fanatic, but there was some method to her madness. I’d learned that. I connected to the higher power, both in and outside of myself.
And silence, the moments when it was just me, I’d learned to relish it, using it’s powerful effect to center myself.
And finally, it started working.
I hung up the phone and dropped it onto the nightstand.
Amaris had gone ghost and I had no idea if she’d reappear.
My heart ached for her, but I couldn’t stay stuck in this holding pattern, waiting for a miracle. It was counterproductive. Ruminating on loss would only reignite my depression.
With a determined breath, I picked up my phone and made another call.
Veronica. My ex.
She answered on the first ring, as if she’d been waiting for my call, even though years had come and gone.
“Mavvy?” Veronica sounded shocked.
“Hey, Veronica, yeah. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
She tittered into the phone and I bit back a groan.
So fucking generic.
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” was her flirtatious line. “At least it has in my case. You’ve been off the grid. I was trying to call. Of course I gave up after two years of nothing. So…” Her last word was both final and elusive.
“Yeah, so…” I scrubbed the back of my burning neck. “I’ve got two tickets to see the Russian Ballet. I need a date. Was wondering if you had any free time.”
She squealed. If I had tickets to the Russian Ballet, they were in a private box, and she knew that. “I’ll make free time for you. Oh my god, I have missed you so much.”
I wouldn’t lie and say the same.
“Good. I’ll pick you up for six-thirty. We’ll get something to eat and then enjoy the show.”
I finalized the arrangements and tried to drum up some excitement.
I needed to advance.
That’s what Amaris would tell me, that I shouldn’t give up.
I sat across from Veronica, trying to be enthusiastic.
She looked gorgeous. Her porcelain skin and blue eyes were glowing, and she looked regal in the champagne gown melded against her curves like a sexy-ass paint job. My hands should have been itching to touch her, but they weren’t. And after the ballet, when we stumbled into her apartment, inebriated and horny, the flame flickering in my cock should have erupted into a full-out blaze.
But it didn’t.
Veronica ripped at my pants, sliding the zipper down. “Shit, Maverick, how is it that you’ve kept this from me?” she muttered, practically drooling. She was on her knees, readying herself to offer me a well-deserved reward after the amount of money I’d doled out tonight, but when she freed my barely erect cock, she paused and looked up at me. Her azure eyes crinkled.
“This is new,” she muttered, trying to smile. “I guess that just means I’ll have to work a little harder to get him ready.” She grinned. “You know I don’t mind. Never have.”
She took my cock into her hand and started to massage it. It stirred and pulsed.
I took a fistful of her hair and jerked her mouth against it.
Veronica’s tongue flicked out and teased the tip.
My eyes rolled away, and my jaw clamped.
Veronica stroked him, from the base, all the way up to the bell-shaped top.
Nothing happened.
I tightened my grip around her hair and easily tilted her neck back.
“Mavvy, I’m hungry,” she purred. Her eyes glinted with eager desire as she ran her tongue over her painted lips. “Let me take you deep,” she begged. “I miss the taste of you.” She jerked forward, her mouth ready to pleasure me in a way that I hadn’t experienced in almost five years.
But I didn’t want it. I only wanted one woman.
I drew in a deep breath and pushed her away. “Veronica, I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this.”
A wicked grin formed on her lips. “Don’t be silly, Mavvy. Since when have you not been able to do this?” She giggled and made an attempt to seduce me again, but I rearranged my clothes and grabbed my keys.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t and I’m leaving.”
“Maverick!” she called after me, but I walked out of the door.
By the time I got home, Veronica had sent me a hundred text messages. She was asking if she’d done something wrong. She wanted to know if we could try again, maybe later tonight or tomorrow.
I pulled the car into my garage and cut off the engine, staring at each message, considering the menu of responses I could supply. I was a damn fool.
Amaris didn’t want me. She’d entertained me for as long as she could, but in the end it had been too much.
I should have let Veronica ride my cock, long and hard. I should have been taking her from the back, her face plastered against the headboard of her bed, or even the wall. That was my preferred position when I fucked Barbie Dolls. I didn’t want to see them, and I didn’t want them to see me. I should have…
I sighed and decided to respond to her last text: Veronica, I’m sorry, but I’m in love with someone.
A response came immediately: You’re in love with someone…? It didn’t seem that way tonight.
Five Years Page 21
