I turned and smiled at him. After dinner and the movie, Marshall and Stuart went to bed, and I can’t say I wasn’t relieved. I was worried if we went to the bedroom, we’d do something too fast.
All night he’d been giving me little rubs and touches that were sending all my senses into overdrive. I’d had to pull a napkin across my front at one point. We sat together on the couch, and when Ollie pulled me onto his lap, it made my heart leap.
“Look,” he started speaking quickly, “I really have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t do this.” His hands moved between us. “Date … or kiss and cuddle. Well, I mean, I haven’t. But after the kiss earlier, I just … I did run, but I had to come and see you before you went away again. I hoped you’d let me see you.” He blinked then and looked up at me from under his lashes. “And also, I’m sorry when I ran out on you after we fucked. You asked me to stay and I wanted to. I was overjoyed, but I was also completely freaked out. And”—he paused—“I didn’t think I was good enough for you.”
“You know, usually it’s me who gets all flustered. It’s kind of cute seeing you like this. You can be yourself with me. I want you to be. Not some version you think you should be. And don’t you dare say you aren’t good enough. I’m the lucky one to have you. None of this self doubt.”
The expression on Ollie’s face was priceless. He looked gobsmacked. “You, Rutledge, lecturing me. I never thought I’d see the day.” His laugh was infectious and I loved it.
“I’m quiet at first, but I probably won’t be with you now. Look what you’ve done. Opened the can of proverbial worms.”
“And I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He ruffled my hair. “I should get home though. But I promise you, I’m not running off like before. Like you said, ‘day by day.’”
“Yes, and plus, I’m only here for the term of the contract.” I don’t even know why I added that. Foot. Mouth. I was probably in the photos if you searched the term.
“Right. That’s true,” he said it in a sing-song voice as if that were a good thing. I shook it off.
“Goodnight. But, uh, text me? And I’ll be there for your show. I promise.”
He pulled me up off the couch and kissed me. “I will.”
18
OLLIE
Juliette came in while I was back home, practically caressing my lips, remembering the incredible kiss with Rutledge.
“Oh, and what’s this?” she asked. “Surprised I’m home before you actually. I thought you’d be home tomorrow morning. Or later today should I say. Good night?”
“Ah, you could say that. Good day, actually. Great. I, um, Rutledge and I are taking it day by day.”
“Oh, my god. Tell me everything. Wait.” She ran through to her bedroom and came back a few moments later in more comfortable pyjamas. Then she hugged me, and when she leaned back, I saw tears in her eyes.
“Don’t cry, you idiot. You’ll start me off. Plus, I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Well, the glow of your skin and that smile on your face says it all. I don’t need to tell you what to do. Just go with your gut, and I’ll always still be here for you. Tell me more.”
So we talked until I wasn’t sure what time and I gave her the shorter version of my day. Tucked in bed, I went to turn my phone off and saw a text from Rutledge.
R: Good night : >
I fell to sleep with a smile.
The next morning, I woke and bolted up in bed. I’d had a dream. A wonderful dream. Rutledge and I were spending time together. It was a strange juxtaposition. In my dream I hadn’t gone out to find someone to fuck.
“Jules,” I called out. “Coffee.” Then I threw myself back on the bed.
She came through and handed me some. “Again, I’m not your servant.”
“No, this is important. I’m freaking out.” I took a sip of coffee.
“What else is new?” She laughed at her own joke, smacking her knee like a slapstick humour show.
“Yes, that’s enough. But what am I doing. Am I with him? How do I do that. What if I want to go out and find a willing body? He deserves everything and I don’t know I can give it to him.”
She took a sip of her coffee and studied me. It was unnerving but I knew she’d tell me when she had some advice. “Okay, fine. If I took you out tonight, would you want to go find some men. Sweaty, hot—well, in your opinion—men to fuck and forget.”
A shiver went through my body. “No, I couldn’t do that to him. I … no.”
“Trust what’s in here.” She pointed to my heart. “Live and enjoy every moment. Now, c’mon, we need to get to the studio. I want to practice the group number with you, but Antonio is not available. Could you do the lift for me?”
It was a clear diversion tactic for me to let her wisdom sink in, and I took it and ran with it. “Okay, for sure. Just let me get changed. Thanks for the coffee.”
We were at the studio and I put something on the turntable. It made me remember seeing Rutledge across the aisle and how sexy he’d looked. Along with his beautiful face, he looked utterly drop-dead gorgeous in a dark grey tightly fitted t-shirt and motorcycle jacket.
“Earth to Ollie. Come on.” I went to stretch and then stood in for Antonio. I lifted her and spun her around. “I think if you can hold me here”—she pointed to her side—“instead of my waist, I’d feel better.”
The day flew by. I could stay in the dance studio all day. I was in my element here. As was Jules. When I started my solo, she made me restart about five times. I didn’t mind. It was for me to improve and get stronger. I completed my solo and felt the butterflies in my stomach at the thought of Rutledge seeing me. What if he thought I was terrible. I took a deep breath and walked over to the side and picked up a bottle of water.
Checking my phone had never felt like this. Usually I didn’t even bother if Jules was with me. Now I wondered if he’d texted. Should I have messaged him already? The anticipation was almost too much. I squealed and it echoed in the room. Juliette just rolled her eyes. She obviously knew my real freak outs from the over-exaggerated ones. Then I looked at my phone.
R: Made it to Glasgow. Looking forward to your show at the weekend.
I couldn’t help the smile that crossed my face. I told him how I was at the studio practicing and about the squeal I’d let out that echoed across the room.
Me: What kind of set are you on today?
He let me know it was an old castle. Then Jules was calling me back, so I told him we could talk later.
“I’m going to die. I am going to die.” I kept repeating this after our lesson with Mrs. Kersey.
Jules replied, “You’re still talking. So, no, you’re still living. We going out tonight?”
Leaning over to stretch, I pointed my toe and held on to my calf. “Sure, I can be your wingman. Do you want to go dancing or just for drinks?”
She never did answer, and we went home and ordered some Chinese food to be delivered. As we waited, I checked my outfit and hair in the mirror, then asked Juliette, “Is there a Mexican place round here that has the best tacos?”
“I didn’t think you liked tacos after ‘the incident’ in 2005.” She made air quotes as she spoke. “But I’ve heard Las Taquieros over near the river is to die for.” The buzzer rang, and I ran to the door to get the delivery, but also to avoid further questions from her.
“Here we go,” I handed Juliette her noodle and meat dish and took out my tofu, vegetables, and noodles. I immediately looked down and started eating, debating what to say. Usually when we went out, we both checked out our catch so to speak. Who we wanted to hook. But how could I do that now? In the end, I chickened out and decided to just take it as it came. If Jules left with someone, I could make my way home on my own.
She was already at the door and I let out a sigh as I followed. I checked my phone in the cab and decided to send Rutledge a quick text. I wondered how his day had gone. Then my mind ran to all the hotties he must be surrounded by every day. Ugh. I shoved my
phone back in my pocket.
“I’ll get the drinks,” Juliette said and walked towards the bar.
As I sat in the booth, I tapped my fingers on the tabletop. Bad move. Some sticky substance was there. “Eww, eww, how gross.”
Juliette put our drinks down and handed me a napkin as if she knew this would be the situation.
“How did you do that?” I questioned.
“This place is always—what’s the word?—questionable, but usually, you are too busy scoping out the possibilities to notice. Don’t you remember that one time you were drooling over the hot older businessman, and I was wiping the tips of your fingers for you. Now drink.”
I took a sip and scanned the room. A cute twink smiled at me and gave me a look I was familiar with—a come take me look. My face cracked into a smile and then I glanced back to Jules. “Do you think Rutledge has a bunch of models and photographers all over him? Like he must have his pick of the guys, right?” The music was quite loud, and I had to yell the last few words.
“All right, come on. Finish that.” She practically shoved the drink in my face.
I swallowed diligently and was barely able to put the glass down before I was pulled out of the loud club and down the street. We entered a small, quiet pub with cozy nooks and alcoves, and vintage advertising signs from floor to ceiling on every wall. “Ah, what is this place?”
“A nice little pub where we can talk. Or I can talk. Now go and get us another drink.” She pointed to the bar. “Make it hard liquor. Mine on the rocks.”
I did as she asked and couldn’t help but take a minute to check my phone. A missed call from Rutledge. Shit! I mentally tried to make the bartender pour our drinks faster.
“Anything else?” His tone implied he was up for much more.
“No, darling, not right now,” I said and grabbed the drinks. I didn’t think twice about the fact that last week I would have been all over that. “Jules, drinks, be right back.” One of the drinks splashed as it hit the table.
I went out into the hallway near the back of the pub and hit his name. “Hey, Rutledge. I missed you before.” There was still noise coming from the pub, and I put one finger over my ear.
“Just thought I’d call. I, uh, was thinking about you …” his voice trailed off.
“Really?” I grinned ear to ear. “Me too,” I said quietly. “Jules and I just came out. You know, for a few drinks.” For some reason I felt the need to reassure him. “Not scoping for guys or anything. Well, maybe she is, but not me.”
“Oh, tell her I said hi. I hope you have a good night. My day went okay but … No, I won’t bore you.”
“It’s not boring,” I said quickly. “What happened?”
“I just got a fright, I guess. We were at the top of a stone staircase, and the girl I was shooting with took a wrong step and fell. I went to grab her and almost fell myself. She’ll be okay, but it was just scary, you know?”
I wished he was here or I was there. “Oh, my god. I want to hug you right now. That is scary. I’m glad you’re okay though. I, ah, I better go. Jules is probably wondering what’s happened to me.”
“Okay. Talk tomorrow?” His voice rose as if he was unsure.
“Of course.” I didn’t want the call to end but a dark hallway in the pub was hardly the place for long conversation. Then I raced back to Jules. “Hi, sorry about that.” I gulped down the beer in front of me.
“Okay, so was that Rutledge by chance?” She looked at me knowingly.
“Yes, he says hi, by the way.”
“Okay, so what I was going to talk to you about when I dragged you from the club still applies. I know you wouldn’t want him to be anyone but himself for you, right?”
I merely nodded, not entirely sure where she was going with this.
“Right then, don’t ask me stupid questions about if Rutledge has men all over him. And don’t you dare change who you are. Stop second-guessing it all and enjoy. I’ve told you already, be yourself—a thousand percent—well, minus the sleeping around.”
I closed my eyes and opened them again, taking a deep breath. Then I took her hands in mine. “Yes, yes. You’re right. I am. I will be.”
“Remember when you came to the dance school and sat on my lap? Wasn’t that a screw up? That was kind of funny. But seriously, when you came to the dance school, you were new but you still showed them everything you had to offer.” She leaned back in her seat.
“Done with the pep talks?” I joked. “No, for real, thanks Juliette. You are the best. He’ll be back in a few days. I’m so excited.”
19
RUTLEDGE
The train ride back to London felt like torture. I couldn’t get comfortable in my seat, and the book I was trying to read wasn’t grabbing my attention. I was pretending it wasn’t my excitement over seeing Ollie again. We’d talked on the phone, but it hadn’t been the same thing. I wanted to hold him and have him hold me. I touched my lips. Yeah, and to have him kiss me and feel his soft skin melt against mine.
“Let’s go,” I heard Brenna say at the next stop.
I jumped up and grabbed my bag from the overhead bin.
“Sorry, we still have two hours to go. But that was hysterical! What is up with you? Is it Serena’s fall on the set?”
“No, no, I’m glad she’s okay. There’s this guy, Ollie. It’s really new, but, uh, it’s good, so good. So, you know, I just want to see him again.”
“Oooh, that’s great. He better treat you right.” She rubbed my arm. “Will he be at the station? I can’t wait to meet him.”
“No, I don’t think so. But I meant to tell you, I’m moving back home to my own flat now. Marshall and Stuart have been awesome, but I think it’s time. I feel much better now.” Leaning back, I stretched my arms over my head.
“That’s good. And I’m here if ever you need anything.” She looked down at her ever-present planner. “So, you just have a few things in London this week, and we don’t leave again until the following week. Theo—he was the editor—loved the photos and said it was great working with you.”
“Wow, thanks. I know he’s a big name, so it was kind of daunting.”
“You are a force to be reckoned with in front of the camera. It’s admirable to witness. And I know you’ll just grow as a model as time goes on. You keep up exactly what you are doing. No one wants to work with someone who complains or is a drama queen, so you’re doing it right. Your photos always are phenomenal. Soon, you’ll be another Marshall Easton of the fashion world.”
“Hey, speaking of Marshall, and Stuart, I want to get them something to say thank you for letting me stay. Any ideas?”
“I’ll let you know if I think of any. It’s almost our stop. You can get home okay, right?” She closed up her planner and placed it in her bag. “Remember, I’m always a phone call away even if I’m in another country. Don’t hesitate to call.”
“Thanks, Brenna. Yes, I’ll be totally fine.” We had no choice but to hurry off the train as a wave of people sort of pushed us out. I said goodbye to Brenna as she got in the cab, then walked towards a coffee shop to grab one before I headed home.
Back at my place, I unpacked my things and put on a load of laundry. I checked my phone and sent Marshall and then Ollie texts to let them know I was home. Ollie’s might have had a few more heart emojis at the end of the message.
I saw the message dots pop up as he wrote back, and I bit my lip, waiting anxiously. Then it stopped and I actually gasped. So I quickly typed—
Me: Want to come by? I waited for the reply.
Ollie: Tacos rain check? If you haven’t eaten, I do owe you.
Me: Sounds perfect.
My heart actually skipped a beat, I think. He said he was on his way, so I ran around like a madman. I showered quickly, made sure everything looked presentable in the house, then put away some books and folded the blanket I kept on the couch.
When I glanced in the mirror, I made sure my hair looked good and overthought my out
fit far too much. Luckily, I didn’t have hours and hours or I probably would have done it for that long.
The buzzer rang and I opened the door. I feigned a bow as he entered and tried to not let my nerves get the better of me. “Come in, come in.” I pointed to the couch, but he stood close to me at the door.
I leaned in and could taste the hint of coffee as I kissed him. This felt so right, I could kiss him forever. His lips moved on mine; it was a sweet symphony.
Then he leaned back. “So good. I missed that. I missed you.”
I pushed my hands up under the front of his shirt and around to rub his back. “Me too.”
Then he pulled the door open and went out.
I had no idea what was going on and stood there baffled.
“Voila!” He produced a bag and sashayed over to the kitchen island as I stared at his very fine ass.
“Don’t think I don’t know you’re watching me.”
I giggled and followed him where he’d already pulled out plates and brought out so many varieties of tacos and Mexican food that it probably could have fed six of us. “Smells divine.” He continued to make himself at home as if he’d lived here for ages, and I loved it.
“Thank you. Were you dancing today?”
“Yes, mainly practicing. I do a lot of that. Not because I need to, but because I love it.”
I laughed. “So, not egotistical much. I better not shower you with compliments after your show on Saturday.”
Ollie lifted his hands over his head and put them at each side like a balloon. “Ego would be enlarged.”
“Yeah, as if that’s possible,” I retorted. “We don’t want you to float away. Now, let’s eat. I don’t really have a table, so the island or the couch it is.”
He walked over to the couch and crossed his leg under his butt.
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