by Jean Oram
Calvin was back in the world of dating. And as of this week, so was I. Surely if one of us started a new family the courts would decide he didn’t need to—or couldn’t afford to—pay as much in the way of support. And if he moved to France, then what? My costs would go up as I helped send Max back and forth across the Atlantic.
My jaw dropped. Was I really considering putting my foot down and not moving? Was I going to let my little boy live thousands of miles away from me?
My head started to pound like I’d been leaped on by a toddler and received an inadvertent head-butt.
“I’m having to depend on Calvin a lot,” I said slowly, “and I shouldn’t have to do that. I’m an adult.”
“But he’s Max’s father. That’s his responsibility. You hold him to that!”
“Calvin does just fine by us, but child support won’t last forever. I’ll want to retire someday. What if one of us remarries?”
My mom gave a hum of understanding. “Judith said she saw you talking to that boy you used to come home all upset about in high school. You were never happy with your life after the two of you started partnering in chemistry. He brought out the wild side in you.”
“The wild side?”
“That pig incident. I know he was behind it. Don’t think I didn’t see him across from the police station when we brought you home. Judith warned me that something was up, with the two of you living right next door to each other now, but I didn’t believe it.” She made a tsking noise.
“Mom, none of this is because of Steve.” The pounding in my head was not improving, especially since my words felt like a lie. I found myself pushing aside my curtains, glancing at the dark house next door. “You know the pigs had nothing to do with him. He was there to bail me out.”
My mother sighed. “Joy, you’ve always wanted so much. Medical school and now this. Not everyone has to get a degree, you know. And it’s going to be difficult going back to school with a young boy at home.”
I’d find a way. I had to. I was Max’s mom, and it was my job to figure things out. And I knew I’d have Steve on my side. He believed I could do this, and I trusted him—even though he failed to understand why I hadn’t continued on to medical school despite the obstacles.
That man had a way of turning my life inside out. Case in point, I was currently arguing with my mother, with her securely in my old role and saying everything I had spouted to Steve as excuses only days earlier. How had things changed so quickly that I now disagreed with her, as well as resented Calvin’s blowback?
“Is that man making you feel like you’re not good enough, Joy?”
“No. He’s helping me see a way to be the person I want to be. One who can depend on herself. Someone who doesn’t have to go to her ex-husband if her roof starts leaking. Someone who can offer the things her son needs. I managed school once, and I’ll manage it again,” I said, in a tone I very rarely used with my mom. “I am doing this. I’m going back to school. No matter what.”
Chapter 8
Max was coming home tonight, and I had been watching the clock since before dawn, waiting for it to be time to make the late-night drive to the airport to pick him up. Would Calvin and Max return to Christmas Mountain totally in love with France and eager to go back immediately? Or would they be happy to stay here? My mind was a mess of questions, so when Edith called to see if I could cover the last few hours of Tonya’s shift, as she’d gone home sick, I was all-in.
When my shift ended, I gathered up my coat, but was called in to Edith’s small office just off the kids’ playroom. I had the next four days off to celebrate Christmas, as the daycare was closed, but I was prepared to say yes if she needed me to take on more hours once it opened again.
As I sat across from her, I took in the grim line of her mouth and realized I wasn’t about to be granted a larger paycheck this month due to an increase in hours. Nope. I was fairly certain it would be a lecture about having my boyfriend visit me at work—which was what she’d transformed Steve’s Santa stunt into since she’d seen us kiss. It didn’t matter that I had denied the relationship status. In fact, I hadn’t even seen Steve since the Santa kiss. He was busy running pre-Christmas tours, and I was subtly and successfully avoiding him while dropping the news around town that I was enrolled in some online courses to upgrade my skills.
Even though Steve and I had spent only a few days together, it felt odd not hanging out with him, as well as sharing the news that I’d secured a student loan, and was officially due to start two online courses in January.
“I’ve been hearing things,” Edith said from behind her desk.
“Oh?” I wasn’t sure if this was about me or about the daycare. With her it could be anything.
She licked her lips and leaned forward, tapping the surface of her desk as though unsure what to say. Whatever it was, it wasn’t great.
I found myself leaning forward as well.
“I hope that you’ll tender your resignation in a timely manner so I can find a suitable replacement.”
I jolted backward in the chair. “What?”
“I had hoped that I’d earned enough trust and respect that you’d give me advance notice—more than the required two weeks. It is difficult to find qualified staff.” She had begun arranging papers, and now whacked them into a neat pile. “I’ve drawn up a draft of the ad for the job. I just need to know the start date for the new recruit.”
Her eyes met mine and I felt my spine give way.
“But why?” If I wasn’t working here, I wasn’t sure what would happen with my student loan. Could I find a new job in time? “I mean... I’m not leaving. Am I fired?”
“Steve told me you’re going back to school in the city.”
Steve. That no-meddling rule really gave him comprehension issues, didn’t it?
“I’m just taking some online classes in my free time. From home.” Why hadn’t the grapevine told her that part of the story? I’d even told Judith and Jan, in hopes of the word spreading a bit faster.
“Courses so you can become a teacher,” Edith stated, that grim furrow still bending her eyebrows downward.
“Yes. Once I’ve completed the classes I’ll be able to take my state certification tests.”
“When?”
“A year, maybe two.”
She relaxed into her chair. “You still plan to work here full-time until then?”
I slid to the edge of my seat. “I’d love full-time hours. Do you need me to get you Max’s school schedule for January? I believe he has only one Friday off, near the end of the month.”
She caught herself, sitting straighter. “I’m not sure I can offer more hours at this time.” She lined her pens up like they were darts she might need to throw at someone. “But I need to know you’ll be available to work when I need you to.”
“Of course. Nothing will change in that regard.” I crossed my fingers like Max did when he told a fib. I could already foresee that the future classes I had to take on campus were going to be a problem. As was the in-the-classroom practicum I’d be doing toward the end of my degree. Assuming, of course, that I didn’t find myself living in France.
“Good. I can’t flex on both your course work needs and your motherhood needs.”
I bit my tongue so I didn’t say that with the few hours she was giving me I was certain I could flex more than a yoga teacher and still be fine.
“I’ll be available when you need me.” I stood. “Just like I always have been. And I’m also going to need more hours. I know Tonya needs them, but so do I.”
Edith stood as well, her eyes drilling into mine. “When you’re here with the children, I expect you to be fully here.”
“I will be, just like always.” I tried for a smile, but it felt forced and I let it go.
“You may have to make some sacrifices, Joy.” She looked down, her lips pursed for a moment as she tapped one of the pens in her lineup. “I’ll see what I can do about your hours, but remember that we can’t
have everything we want.” She solidly met my gaze and I nodded, feeling as though I’d just accomplished a small win in a long battle.
“Of course.” If anyone knew that, it was the old Joy. The new Joy? Well, she was already tweaking that belief.
I answered the door after work, shushing Obi, who was going slightly wild.
“Say it, don’t spray it,” I muttered, wiping his spittle off the doorknob. He finally calmed down when he saw it was Madia Benson, the local real estate agent who’d been a few grades behind me. She’d been totally in love with volleyball, always practicing in the school hallways.
“Hi, Joy. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.” I pulled Obi farther from the door as he strained to sniff her gorgeous brown leather boots. He had a thing for gnawing on leather, and I was pretty sure I couldn’t afford replacements—even if Edith did start giving me more hours.
“I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop off my card,” Madia trilled.
I took her business card, feeling confused. She’d helped me find this home, and we were already friends on every form of social media we belonged to and had been on the same volleyball team in middle school. In other words, I knew where to find her.
“Spring is the optimal time for selling, but as soon as you’re ready I can help you get this place on the market. We can work together on how to get the most from a potential buyer, with some tricks such as decluttering and staging a few rooms so it sells faster. I do have a family looking for a small starter home right now, though. There’s not a lot in this price range available. Do you want me to set something up? I’m sure you’re eager to get moving and reclaim your down payment.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I heard you’re moving to the city to go back to school in January.” Her smile was bright. Innocent. “Or to France maybe?” she said, her tone becoming uncertain. “I just assumed that you’d want to sell.”
“I’m taking online courses, and we don’t know about France yet.” I tried not to grit my teeth. “Things are a bit up in the air with that.”
“Oh.” Madia looked at the card I’d crushed in my fist. “Well, I think it’s great that you’re going back to school. You’ll be a great teacher.”
“Thank you.”
“If you need anything, you know where to find me.” She began backing down the steps. “Merry Christmas!”
As soon as she’d pulled away I was in my boots and coat, pounding on Steve’s door.
“Joy!” His smile was huge until he caught my stormy expression.
“Thanks a lot.” I pushed my way inside his entry.
“Uh, you’re welcome?” He scratched the back of his head and gave me what was likely supposed to be a confused look.
“Why does the entire town think I’m moving to the city? And how did Calvin know I’d applied for school before I even had a chance to tell him?” I marched closer, not caring that my boots were dropping snow onto Steve’s clean, dry floors. “Why does my boss think I’m resigning? Why did Madia Benson just pop by to discuss putting my house on the market?”
This kind of uncertainty was going to be hard on Max, and I needed to get the town under control before he returned. It was bad enough that France was a possibility. He’d weathered the divorce well, but this, I feared, would be too much uncertainty and change for a small boy.
“They’re proud of you,” Steve said. “They want to help you follow your dreams.”
I closed my eyes, trying to remain focused. I’d wanted support. I’d wanted the town to understand why I needed to do this. But I’d told everyone I was taking online courses. Online! Not moving.
So why did people think I was moving? Steve.
My quest to help Calvin see that me returning to school was a smart move was beginning to feel like a campaign. One where I was undermining his desire to strike out fresh in France.
“What if something goes wrong with getting this degree? I was going to become a doctor and I didn’t. What if I don’t make it? What if life happens?”
“You’ll make it.”
“I know I will, but you need to stop meddling and trying to make my life into what you think it should be. I’m taking classes while living here in Christmas Mountain. I’m not moving.”
“I know.”
“You told Edith I’m taking classes in the city!”
“I didn’t say you were moving.”
Then why had she been ready to start advertising my job? Immediately.
I tried to calm myself. It made sense that people assumed I would move to the city to complete my degree, just as Calvin and I had years ago. It wasn’t all Steve’s fault. But we needed to set some ground rules.
“If you and I are going to humor the idea that we might have a chance, I need to be enough for you just the way I am. As I am at this very second in time. A single mom subsisting just above the poverty level, happily living in a small town. Not some woman taking on the world and grand adventures, just waiting to break out into something huge.”
Steve stepped back, crossing his strong arms.
“I’m a quiet people pleaser, Steve. Not everyone needs to be the CFO of a large company in order to be happy or feel satisfied with their life.”
“I didn’t say they do.” His jaw was tight now, as was his voice.
“It’s implied. I need to be with someone who doesn’t push the whole town into... into whatever they’re thinking and saying. I’m taking online classes.”
“They’re not just online classes.”
“I need someone who will support me if I change my mind and stay working in a daycare. I don’t need you...” I had run out of words and I gestured helplessly. I liked the support, but not the semi-constant interference.
“Meddling? Supporting you? Helping to clear a path?”
“Yes! And creating misunderstandings.”
“So you’d rather do this alone, and not let others help you in case you fail—which you won’t.”
“Yes! No.” I didn’t know anymore. I only knew that Steve was muddying the waters and causing things to spin out of control for me. Returning to school was scary enough as it was.
“I need to keep things normal,” I said, fighting to remain calm. “As they are. I have a little boy to consider.”
“You’d rather I help convince you that your current life is just fine, and that there isn’t more to want,” Steve said, his focus on my jacket’s undone zipper rather than on my face. “That it’s perfectly fine and acceptable to be locked into a life where you pretend to be happy, struggling to subsist on handouts from your ex?”
“Leave Calvin out of this.”
“I can’t.” He finally met my eyes, a sad resolve settling into his. “He’s a part of your life, and he’s a part of what is holding you back from being you.”
“I’m already me!”
“There’s only one woman I want to be with, Joy, and from what I’m hearing, she’s too afraid to stand up and be who she is and speak up for what she wants.”
“Steve…” I warned.
“No. You’re not brave enough to be the woman I see inside of you, and I won’t be with anyone but her.”
It was nearly Christmas Eve Day; it was so late as I stood in the arrivals area of the airport, hands stuffed deep into my pockets while I waited for Calvin and Max. To say I was still frustrated with Steve was an understatement. Maybe he’d move away. Forever.
To my left someone held up a sign that said Luke Cohen and Emma Carrington, people I didn’t know, but names that seemed oddly familiar. There were only a few of us waiting for the small plane that was coming in from Seattle, making the sign unnecessary.
Max, Calvin and his mother had taken three different flights to get from Paris to our neck of the woods, and I had a strong feeling Max would be exhausted, jet-lagged and basically as unhappy as a poked bear.
I was so excited to see him my bladder had kicked into overdrive, even though I’d had nothing to drink fo
r hours.
Max and Calvin returning could allow me to pretend everything in my life was back as it should be. They were home. Nobody was going anywhere right away. We would all do our own thing tomorrow, then enjoy Christmas Day together. There was no Steve pushing me, telling me to be some woman I wasn’t so he could love me. I was back to me. Joy Evans ensconced in the quiet life I loved.
The life that now somehow felt as though something was missing from it.
I scoffed at myself. All that was missing was conflict with pushy Steve. How silly was I? I’d pegged him early on as unable to go the distance, and yet I’d allowed my hopes to climb. But at least I hadn’t dragged Max into it. In the coming days he was going to be confused enough, with everyone asking me about school, moving and France. The poor boy wouldn’t know if his parents were coming or going, and my job would be to show him everything in his life was stable. And that was easier without Steve.
Calvin and Max came through the opaque glass security doors, looking grim and fed up with each other. Calvin had Max’s hand, and Max was trying to go limp on him, making his knees buckle every time Calvin tried to make him stand.
“Let’s go,” he said to Max. “There’s Mom.”
Calvin looked relieved to get within range of me, practically dragging our son into my open arms. Max wound himself around me as my mother-in-law ignored the whole scene, moving to the conveyor belt, where suitcases had yet to appear.
Max whined, “I’m tired.”
“I know, sweetie.” I kissed his cheek. “I missed you.” I hugged him tightly, then turned to Calvin. “How was the trip?”
“Long. We’re jet-lagged.” Calvin pushed a hand through his hair. He stepped back, no doubt done with parenting our wiped-out boy.
I whispered in Max’s ear, “It’s almost Christmas!”
He didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure if he was asleep or just ignoring me. Although his weight hadn’t suddenly amplified, which meant he was likely still conscious. I did some quick mental math. Paris was eight hours ahead, meaning they were about ready for breakfast.
