by Daisy Allen
"Maybe I can give her some money? Just a little to help?"
"It's bad enough you paid for my medical expenses. I think that probably keeps her up at night as it is. She doesn’t need your money. babe. You brought me back here, that's more than anything she could’ve asked for."
Paige nods and goes quiet for a few minutes, staring out into the woods across the street. I wonder how many times in her life she’s spent an extended time in a place quiet enough she can hear her own thoughts, not interrupted by car horns and traffic and loud thumping music.
"How do you feel?" she asks, after she comes back from her mind wanderings.
I shrug, truth is I thought coming home with be cathartic, but it's just been a different location for the same thoughts.
I still can't forget him.
Every breath is laced with missing him and mourning what could've been.
All because I made the biggest mistake of my life. One I can't even comprehend myself committing. It makes for a tough time for an already confused brain.
"Do you... want me to call...?"
"No!" I yell. I don’t want either of us to try to contact him. I couldn’t handle more rejection.
She holds her hand up. "Wait, you didn't let me finish. Do you want me to call Chris?"
I instantly shudder at the thought. "Even MORE no!"
"He's been asking about you."
"Look, I don't know what happened there, but I think it's better for the both of us that that just stays dead. You should've seen how he acted the last time I saw him at the hospital. He was such an asshole, totally repulsive. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. I'm glad I saw it in him, it made things a lot easier for me. Less guilt, for sure." And not for the first time, I wondered how I could’ve been with him in the first place.
"Okay, I'm just saying, if you're lonely, nothing wrong with barking up old trees." Paige waggles her eyebrows, reverting back to her old silly self.
"Dude, are you calling me a dog?"
"No, babe, I'm calling you a dawgggg! You hot and you need to get some!" She holds her hands up like paws and pants.
I laugh and grab an old chewed up dog toy on the ground and launch it at her head. She yelps as it bounces off the top of her head and throws me a wounded puppy look.
She opens her mouth to yell something but the sound of a car engine echoing down the quiet street drowns her out. We look at each other, you don't hear that often around here. Downtown L.A., yes. Not in this backstreet of rural Maine.
I stand up and look out to see two cars driving up the street. Expensive cars, luxury cars, polished and beaming new cars, that have no place in this setting.
They both come to a screeching stop in front of the house and the car doors open, letting the drivers and passengers out.
And suddenly he’s here.
Jez.
Jeremy.
Jez and his bandmates.
"What the...?" I mutter under my breath, too speechless to go on.
My heart lurches at the sight of him.
I was wrong, my mind hadn’t been true to him. He was so much more… alive, than anything I’d been remembering and even watching on my iPhone screen.
He was… otherworldly.
Vibrant and sexy and warm and… making my internal organs forget their form and function, turning my insides into complete mush.
I feel a little giddy, and realize, even with him here, sometimes I forget to breathe.
He stands by the side of the car and smiles.
"Come for a ride with me," he says, like it’s nothing. Like the last time we saw each other, we both left each other intact and not in broken, jagged pieces.
I don't know what to do.
Paige has jumped to her feet as well, standing right there, behind me, her breath short and loud against my ear.
"You don't have to do anything you don’t want to," she whispers.
"Noémie." He says my name and I forgot what it sounded like, spoken in his voice, from his lips.
I have to say something.
"What are you doing here, Jez?" Do I really care? Haven't I been just praying to have one more minute with him?
"Come on. Let’s go for a short drive. Just you and me." He doesn't move and I can't see his eyes behind his dark sun glasses.
He just keeps holding out his hand.
I draw a long breath.
"Noémie." Paige says my name, a warning tone in her voice.
"I'll be okay." I tell her. Or am I telling myself. I only then just realize I'm still in my pajamas.
That'd be right. I finally see the man who broke my world into a thousand irreparable pieces and I’m wearing flannel with pictures of cupcakes on it.
No time to worry about that now.
I walk down the few steps from the porch onto the sidewalk where the car is parked. He's watching me the whole way.
I reach out for the handle of the car door and it's locked.
What game is he playing here?
I look up and he's walking over to me.
The breath catches in my throat. I thought I was very aware of how much I missed him.
Seeing him now, in the flesh, I realize how quickly I'd forgotten how tall he is, how broad his shoulders are, how square his jaw is, how much he takes my breath away.
Jez.
My Jez.
Well, no longer my Jez. Maybe never my Jez.
"Nice car," I say when he's face-to-face with me. Because it's the only thing I can think of, other than begging him to never leave me again.
He grins, almost blinding me with his white teeth. What is going on?
I've dreamt of seeing him again, a hundred, a thousand times. But it was never like this.
It was passionate or dramatic, sweeping declaration or accusations. But not this. Not smiling, happy Jez. Seriously, what the fuck is going on?
"I thought so. Wanna drive it?"
He holds out a keyring to me.
"Come on, give it a little spin. I just bought it."
There's a loud clanging in my ears and my heart thumps and it feels like there's a trampoline in my rib cage.
I can't remember the last time I drove.
And then I remember, or not remember. The last time I drove was the night of the accident.
The night I almost killed Paige, Jez, and myself.
The loud clanging stops in my ears and it's filled with a burning acid, dripping down my throat as I realize he's just here to fuck with me.
"What sort of sick game are you playing, Jez?" I shake my head at him, and for the first time, I hate him.
Hate him for being so cruel.
The grin on his face instantly falls and he frowns.
"No... no. Noémie!" he yells as I spin around, ready to storm back to my house. And never see this asshole again.
I ignore him, but before I can take a step, his hand is on mine, pulling me back.
"Leave me alone, Jez!"
"No, Noémie. I'm not... I'm not playing some game. I'm serious. I came to take a drive with you. Or let you take me for a drive. Please." He pushes the sunglasses up to rest on top of his head.
And his eyes tell me he's saying the truth.
There's no malice there. No cruelty.
Just Jez. Warm, honest, beautiful, passionate Jez.
And I believe him.
“Okay,” I sigh. I reach for the keyring, ignoring the spark that stings my hand when his fingers brush against my palm. "A short drive. Then you can tell me what you're doing here."
"Deal."
I walk over to the driver’s side of the car, just as Paige runs down the steps.
"Noémie! Stop! You… your driver’s license is suspended, remember? And you shouldn't drive, anyway. You’re not ready."
"Ignore her, Noémie. We’ll just go a little way up the street. They’ll be able to see us the whole time," Jez says, nodding to me over the top of the car, and gesturing his head to Paige and his three bandmates standing in front of t
he house, watching everything.
I turn off my brain and slide into the driver's seat. I can feel the skin over every inch of my body become slick with perspiration as I run my fingers over the steering wheel, acquainting myself with the strange car.
"Hey." His voice is soft, deep, low. Intimate. "It's just the two of us in here. It's just you and me. You can do this."
"Jez, why in the world are you in a car with me? I don’t understand what’s going on!"
My frustration doesn’t faze him and he just says, calmly, "The deal was, you take me for a drive, and I'll tell you why I'm here. So, drive." He turns and stares straight ahead.
I exhale, hard, and it sounds like a gust of blustery wind in the small car.
My hand grips around the hand brake and I release it, my feet finding their way on the pedals. I press down on the gas, too soft at first, tentative, and then too hard and the car engine revs. Loud. Shaking the little sports car and the two inhabitants in it. I imagine the neighbors have their noses up hard against the windows. I wish I could tell them that there's nothing to see, but I have no idea what's about to happen.
My hand curls around the gear stick and then my mind goes completely blank.
What do I do?
My hand twitches on the gear stick, trying to rely on muscle memory, but there's nothing there.
Shit.
No.
I can't have forgotten how to drive.
I squeeze my eyes closed tight.
"Come on, come on," I mutter to myself, turning over every nook and cranny in my brain trying to remember how to do this.
It should be second nature. Done without thought.
But nothing comes.
"Shit!" I bang on the steering wheel, and then the side of my head.
"Get out of there!" I yell, urging the memory to dislodge from its hiding spot.
Jez doesn't say anything, just keeps staring straight ahead. He has a strange look on his face, like the sides of his mouth are twitching.
He's laughing at me. He's enjoying this.
So, I was wrong.
He is a cruel and twisted bastard.
He came all this way, just to watch me fall apart.
Fuck him.
I'll show him!!
I push down on the gear stick and press down hard on the gas pedal. There's nothing but the sound of the engine turning over again, shaking my bones.
I can't even do this. He was right to leave. To leave me. I can't even fucking drive.
I take my foot off the pedal and rest my head back against the head rest, exhausted.
"Are you happy now? Did you get what you came here for?"
He turns to me, still smiling.
"Yes, yes I did." He reaches a hand towards me, and his fingertips touch my face before I can pull away.
I slap his hand away, hard, my fingers stinging as they make contact.
"You son of a bitch. You are sick! I can't believe I agreed to this."
I pull on the door handle and drag myself out of the car, making a run towards the house where Paige is standing.
Waiting for me.
I should've listened to her,
"Noémie!" Jez yells, jumping out of the car and running after me. "Wait!"
"No!" I spin around, my hair whipping myself on the face. But I welcome the pain. Anything to distract from the ache I'm feeling inside. I shake my head, staring at him. I can't believe he would do this to me. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I hit you with a car! I’d say it a thousand times to you, Jez, if I thought it would give either of us any peace. I’m sorry! I am! I'm never going to forgive myself for what happened! But it was an accident. I would never have done anything to hurt you on purpose. Never! But I guess you can't say the same. So, fuck. You. I don't deserve your sick and fucked up punishment."
The tears are hot and heavy as they stream, never-ending, down my face.
They drip over my lips as I speak, salt in the wounds, as they say.
When I'm done, I pivot back to the house, but his hand is in mine again. Pulling me back to him, and into his arms.
Why won't he just let me go?
"Shhhh, baby. Shhh.” He rasps against my hair as I let him hold me. Because I can’t walk away. “Noémie. I know. I know you would never hurt me on purpose. And I can't believe you would think I would hurt you."
"Then what are you doing here?"
"I'm here, to show you... that you didn't hurt me. Ever."
I pull back, looking into his face, looking for clues as to what he’s saying.
"You didn't hurt me," he repeats, his fingertips are cool as they run down my cheek, brushing my tears away. Then he turns and faces the house.
"Did she, Paige?"
Paige just stands there, looking back at him, before she shrugs. "I'm sure she didn't mean to. Like she said, it was an accident."
"Oh, I do believe it was an accident. But it wasn’t Noémie's, was it?"
What is he talking about? My mind is so foggy, I can't understand what he's saying.
He turns back to me, and his eyes are soft, warm, genuine. Like they always were. And they're trying to tell me something. But I just don't understand.
"What are you trying to say, Jez? I... I don't understand."
He gives me a gentle smile and cups my cheek in his hand. The touch, so intimate, makes the tears well up in my eyes again. And I bite back a sob.
"You tell her, or I will," he says, his eyes on me.
"Tell her what?" I ask, even more confused now.
"Not you, sweetheart. Paige. Paige has something to tell you."
I look past him, to my best friend on the stairs. She's backing up, shaking her head.
"No.” Her voice is shaking.
"Last chance, Paige,” Jez says, his voice firm, steady.
"I don't know what you're talking about.”
"Then I’m sorry. Your chance is over."
I see Sebastian in the corner of my eye step behind Paige, in front of the door as if blocking her.
The other guys move to join in.
What in hell is going on?
"Will someone fucking tell me what is going on!"
Jez takes my hands in his and I let him. I can't even focus on that part yet, I just need to know what's going on.
"Do you recognize that car?" he gestures with his head to the side of the road.
"No, not really.” I shake my head. “I mean, it's a Dodge Viper, that's all I know. Should I recognize it?"
"It's the car that hit me."
"What?" I pull away, recoiling from the side of the road. Trying to get away from the vehicle.
"Whoa, whoa. It's okay, honey. It’s okay. It's not the exact car, just a similar one."
"The car I was driving..."
"No. That’s just it, Noémie, you never drove that car."
"Well, yeah, not that one…"
"Nope, not even one remotely like it. That... is a Dodge Viper 2017. That car only ever came in a manual model. Ever."
He looks at me, like that should mean something. Like he just gave me the winning numbers to a billion-dollar lottery.
I frown.
It obviously means something.
I turn over his words in my head.
Wait.
That's why I couldn't drive it before. Not because I've forgotten how to drive but because... oh my god.
"I... I don't know how to drive a stick," I say. Each word of my revelation takes its time to process.
He nods, a smile spreading wide across his face.
"Wait. So... I couldn't have been driving that night."
"No, baby. You couldn’t have."
"And if I wasn't driving... then I didn’t..."
"You didn't hit me. You didn't get in the car drunk. And you didn't cause my injuries and even more importantly, you didn't cause yours."
All I can do is blink.
It’s starting to make sense but not make any sense at the same time.
I understand his words, but
not how they could be accurate.
“I… I couldn’t have been driving,” I say it again, trying to believe it. “I can’t drive a stick.” I look at him, he’s nodding, giving me time, space to process. “But… how do you know that?”
“You told me. That night.”
“That night?”
“Yes, the night of your birthday. You told me you couldn’t drive a stick. Actually, you said you couldn’t ride a stick.” He chuckles, and there’s something misty in his eyes, like he’s reliving the moment. A moment, I have no recollection of.
“I told you that?”
“Yeah.”
“And you remember?”
“I told you, I remember everything. Every word. Every touch.”
For a moment, I let my heart indulge in the need to be close to him. And then my mind pulls us back to reality.
“So, if I wasn’t driving… then what happened? Who did?”
His smile fades, and his eyes turn sad.
“I’m so sorry, but…”
“No.” Paige speaks up and she takes the steps down to us. “Let me tell her.”
Her eyes are red and wet as she reaches out to touch my shoulder. Her lower lip quivers and she bites down on it.
“Paige…”
She just looks at me, blinking, releasing the tears to fall down her cheeks.
And it dawns on me.
“No…”
Her lips clamp down on each other, like she’s holding back the words, but her eyes tell me everything.
“I’m so sorry,” she sobs, her hands coming up to cover her face.
I pull her hands away. “What did you do, Paige? What did you do?”
“I’m so sorry!”
I grab her by the shoulders and shake her, the blood thumping in my ears. “Stop saying that and tell me what you did!”
“That night… that night, you didn’t realize until we were in the car that I’d… I’d had a few drinks. And you were trying to get me to stop. But I wouldn’t let you. You kept yelling at me to stop. I didn’t… I didn’t see him. I swear, I didn’t see him!”
“Oh my god.”
“It just all happened so fast. After… after he… got hit by the car, I lost control of it and hit the pole. When I came to, I checked and you were out. And there was nothing I could do, I promise, I checked! I couldn’t do anything to help you at that point. And I knew, I knew I’d be in so much trouble with the police, I had had too many drinks. But I didn’t think you had!” She looks past me, her eyes wild, not focusing, like she’s reliving it in her head. Reliving the horror. “So… so I swapped places with you. And when the paramedics came, I… I pretended I was just coming to.”
