Not when he needed to focus on a way to save his wife.
Chapter Thirty-Six
When Cam set the letter off to the side of his plate and turned back to his food, Mari took it as an invitation and picked it up to read it herself. She’d expected it would be some sort of apology, and she was right. When she was done, she folded it again and put it back. Silence continued for a few bites as she waited him out.
“I’ll not forgive him,” Cam finally blurted.
“But you’ve forgiven me, and I’m the one who forced him into it.” It wasn’t fair that Lachlan should be punished for respecting her wishes.
“You’re wrong,” he seethed, not looking at her.
“It was me that went to Lachlan and asked him to escort me to the English when it was clear there was no other ch—”
Cam’s fist slammed down on the table, causing the dishes to rattle and Mari to jump. “I dinna say ye were wrong about coercing my cousin into going along with your piss-poor plan. I’m saying you’re wrong about me forgiving you. I haven’t.”
With that, he rose from the table and left the room.
She sat there in shock, expecting that her kind, gentle husband would return and apologize for his outburst, but he didn’t.
Instead, she heard the front door slam.
She rested her hand on her belly to comfort their child, who had shifted when she’d startled.
“It’s fine, little one. He’s just upset. He’ll be back.”
He’d been here for months and not once mentioned he still held anger over her role in her return to London.
She knew well what he was doing. He was building walls between them to protect himself. Distancing himself in a futile attempt to avoid the pain when the time came.
Part of her wanted to go to him and tear down those walls. Force him to let her in. But another part of her felt relieved, because those walls he built would serve to protect her as well. They didn’t have much time left. Only a few weeks before the bairn arrived, and then the trial would begin.
It was late when Cam arrived home. She was already in bed, but she hadn’t slept, and not just because the June heat made her restless and uncomfortable. She had not yet figured out what to say to him.
All these months, they’d walked side by side and hand in hand on a layer of ice. They’d been kind and gentle with one another so as not to break through the surface and face the frigid cold beneath.
It was time they confronted the truth. She just didn’t know how to begin.
Cam’s skin was warm and damp when he slid into bed and pulled her close. “I know you’re awake. You’re not snoring.” His attempt at humor didn’t work this time. They couldn’t laugh this off any longer. He let out a breath and kissed her neck. “I’m sorry for what I said, and for scaring you.”
“Then you have forgiven me?” she asked to see if he’d lie. They’d get nowhere if they couldn’t speak the truth, as ugly as it may be.
“Nay. But I hadn’t realized until it came out of my mouth. That wasn’t the way to address the subject.”
“I’m glad you’re finally speaking of your feelings. It does no good to let them fester and become worse.”
“I don’t want to spend our final days angry with one another. But I am angry at you, Mari. And I canna even tell ye why.”
“For leaving you.”
“Aye, but I know why you did it. I gave you and Lach hell, but I would have done the same in your place. Still…”
“I left you.”
“Yes. And you’ll be doing it again sooner than we realize, and I hate you for it. I’ll be alone again.” He clung to her and kissed her hair. “I love you so much. You’re my very soul.”
His words filled her with both joy and sadness. He’d never said these things before. Hadn’t wanted these feelings between them. But they had grown despite their mutual desire not to become attached.
She entwined her fingers with his over their child. “You’ll not be alone this time. Our child will be with you.”
“I’ve never been so eager for something yet feared it so deeply.”
“I think that is true of all fathers.”
He let out a deep breath and squeezed her closer. “When my father left me, I blamed him for not being a better warrior. For falling in battle because he’d not trained hard enough. When my mother left me, I grew angry because she’d given in to her loneliness. When you go, I don’t want to feel that way about you. I want to hold on to the love I feel for you and the joy I know in your arms. But I fear I’m not strong enough to do so. Hate and anger are easier.”
“Do you still hate your parents for leaving you?”
“Nay. In time I realized it was the way of things.”
Such realizations came with age and maturity.
“Then perhaps, in time, you’ll be able to put your anger aside and think well of me, too.”
…
When Mari was asleep, Cam slipped out of their bed to go to the library for a drink. His mind wouldn’t still, and his heart grew more frantic with every tick of the clock.
He loved his wife.
He’d known it. It was the thing that had driven him to tear off for London to try and save her. But he hadn’t said as much. He hadn’t admitted to her how he felt until now.
He poured a whisky and sat in the dark. He was well into his fourth glass when a ghost appeared before him. He jumped, then realized it was the dowager in a flowing night robe. Surely a specter wouldn’t look so displeased.
“You’re drinking all the good whisky in the house,” she accused.
“Aye,” he answered, noticing his tongue felt a bit numb. “It’s almost as good as the MacKinlay stores.”
She sniffed at that and sat next to him. “Why are you drinking? Mari could have the child any day now. You should be alert and ready.”
He nodded, but his nod turned into a sway of his head the other way. “As soon as the babe is born, she’ll be taken. And—” A sob broke free and he hung his head. “I wish to be hardened like you. My own mother was weak and succumbed to the pain of her broken heart, leaving me alone to fend for myself. I can’t do that to our child. I need to find a way to go on, but I don’t see how, loving her the way I do.”
“You don’t want this either, Cameron,” the dowager said, placing a hand on his arm. “Hiding behind walls this thick means there’s no escape from the hell you create for yourself.”
She took the glass from his slack fingers and set it aside. “I wasn’t prepared for the pain, so I didn’t know any other course but to wrap it around myself and wear it like armor. You have a choice. You can do better for your child than your mother did for you. Better than I did for mine.”
When Cam awoke, he wasn’t sure she’d ever been there. But her words remained, and with a groggy head he got up to face whatever the day would bring.
At one in the afternoon, Mari cringed with her first pain.
Cam’s heart shattered.
Their time was nearly over.
…
Mari gazed down at her daughter with a tumult of emotions whipping around her like winds on the moor. She felt all of them so much clearer than ever before.
The fear she’d felt before twined around her heart and grew to include her child. What dangers would she face in her life that Mari wouldn’t be there to protect her from?
Other feelings emerged. Anger at the duke for condemning her to death by his own actions. Sorrow for the loss of her mother: she wished her baby had a loving grandmother to watch over her. Excitement for what their child would become.
In the mess of emotions racing through her, it was joy that washed everything else away as she was swept up in the love that took over her entire being. Tears of happiness streamed down her face as she looked up at her husband.
“You did well,
lass. She’s beautiful.” Cam’s voice shook as he touched their daughter’s cheek. “Elizabeth.”
They’d decided on the name only weeks ago. It was her sister’s middle name, and they both hoped it carried Kenna’s strength.
The babe looked even smaller when Cam took her in his large hands. He placed a kiss on her forehead and walked over to the window where the sun was just beginning to light the sky.
At that moment, Mari could almost believe they were in a different place. Home, in Scotland. And that they would be free to live in peace. No Ridley or magistrate waiting to take her to the gallows. Just Cam and Lizzy living in the house they would have built in that field where she’d unintentionally married the large Highlander she would grow to love with all her heart.
Life would have been so wonderful.
As happened every morning, a knock came two hours later. Each day someone came to see her. They wanted to confirm she remained on the premises and ascertain if she’d yet delivered the child.
This time the runner, Adam, was shown into her room and blushed at the state of things. She was still abed with her hair down and unkempt.
“I hope I find you well, madam,” Adam said. He was a polite young man despite the duties he was forced to carry out.
“As well as can be expected,” she offered.
“She’s lovely,” he added with a genuine smile that faded from his face when he turned back to her. “I’ll not say anything today, but tomorrow I’ll have to report back that you’re fit to stand trial. It will be a few days until they can prepare.”
“Thank you, Adam.”
“Please forgive me. I’ll leave you to your celebration.” He stood and left the room, taking her dreams for hope and a future with him.
The next few nights as Lizzy slept in her cradle, Mari went over every detail she could think of.
“Don’t be too ghastly when she takes a liking to a lad,” she told Cam.
“You jest. I’ll not let a boy near her. I was a lad— I know what they think.”
“You can’t keep her locked in the castle forever.”
“Aye. I can. I’m sure to be bigger than her.”
“Cam, I’m being serious.”
“I am as well.” Though he winked at her.
“Do you not want her to experience love, as we have?”
Cam winced and glanced toward the cradle. “Mayhap when she’s older I might come around to it, but right now I just want to protect her from everything that could possibly cause her sadness.”
Mari understood. This was something that became more acceptable to a father later. But she didn’t have later, so she needed to tell him everything she wanted for their daughter now. While there was still time.
“If she shows an interest in things that are not ladylike, encourage her anyway.”
“Love, I don’t have the skills to encourage the ladylike pursuits, so you can be assured I’ll encourage the others.”
“Kenna will help.”
“She will? Are ye certain?”
“You read her last letter?” Mari guessed.
“The one where she told you she wouldn’t help raise your child so you needed to stay to do it your own self? Aye, I read it.”
“She’ll come around. She doesn’t have it in her to turn our daughter away when Lizzy needs a woman to guide her.”
Cam didn’t answer. For a moment she thought maybe he’d drifted off. When she looked up, she saw him staring at the ceiling. “What is it?”
“I’m sorry, Mari. I canna do this any longer.”
“You can’t do what?”
“Lie in bed with you and plan a future without ye.”
“But there’s so much I want you to know.” And so little time.
“Let’s run away. Tonight. We’ll be out of England before daylight.”
She sat up and winced, still tender from giving birth. She’d never manage to sit a horse, even if there was a chance.
“Cam, we can’t. The house is guarded. They’ll see us leave, and you’ll be arrested. We’ve talked about this.”
“Nay, you’ve talked about it. If I can come up with a way, will you at least hear it?”
“And spend the rest of our time arguing over false hope?” She kissed him, and he kissed her back. “I’d rather lie in your arms and know that you and Lizzy will be safe and happy.”
He let out a breath and nodded in agreement.
“Which means you’ll need to remarry,” she said.
“Marian MacKinlay, if you’ve any wish of not spending the rest of our time arguing, you’ll not suggest such a thing to me.”
“Very well. Just know that as long as the woman loves you and Lizzy, you have my blessing.”
He kissed her hard. “I need to stop your lips from moving.”
“I wish we’d been able to make love once more,” she said when he finally relented.
“Do you think you would have been happy with one more time? Wouldn’t ye just want another and another?” He took a deep breath.
“Yes. I would have.” It was the truth of it. Even if she’d lived a hundred years, she’d never have enough time with him.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
When the men arrived to take Mari to Guildhall, Cam fought them. It was beyond him to stand there peaceably and allow her to be taken. It was only by the grace of Adam Reeves that he’d not been arrested and thrown in the gaol next to his wife.
Cam had always been large, even as a lad. He’d been a formidable warrior with a strong sword arm. But in this he was completely helpless.
He managed to get himself together the next morning to attend the first day of her trial. She’d tried to prepare him for what would happen, but no amount of discussion would have readied him for the drivel these bewigged fools spewed in court.
“You claim self-defense, madam, however there is no prior claim that your husband injured you beyond his rights in the past.”
Cam’s stomach turned because as her husband the man had had the legal right to beat her. She was no better or worse than a horse to them. He’d heard of men who beat their horses to the ground without any repercussions. He could only imagine what went on in private with that type of man.
Cam had been born into a union joined by love and respect. He’d never so much as heard his father raise his voice to his mother. Yet she respected him.
“Correct, my lord, but I’m sure you understand why a woman in my position felt unsafe to file such a claim without a guarantee of protection.”
“Could you repeat that? I’m having difficulty understanding your heavy brogue.”
A number of the people in the hall laughed.
Mari’s English was flawless. They were making a joke of her.
Cam clenched his fists, ready to grab these weak men and pummel them until they no longer needed to worry about understanding things. But his gaze met Mari’s, and she shook her head.
Her mouth formed the word, “Please.”
He knew she didn’t want him to get thrown out of court. She needed him to be there. So he would stay. Even as she repeated her words, enunciating every sound.
The questions continued, though it was clear the magistrates were going nowhere but in circles.
“Perhaps if you’d been more obedient, he wouldn’t have needed to punish you so severely.”
“Could it be that you were jealous because he wasn’t paying attention to you? A man is entitled to take a mistress.”
“The duke’s crime was selecting a wife who was unable to bear up to her responsibilities.”
Round and round they went, accusing his lovely wife of being a shrew, a spendthrift, and a whore. Each time she remained calm and disputed their claim, but it made no difference. These men could not hear her words. They weren’t even ashamed that one of their class had hur
t a woman, much less terrorized her to the point that she had no choice but to turn to murder.
When they were done with their relentless interrogation for the day, Mari was escorted back to her cell. Cam was permitted to visit her.
“This is madness,” he said when they were alone. “They ask questions but don’t let you answer, or listen when you do. This isn’t a trial.”
“It’s a formality. They need to do this so they can justify my punishment and send a message.”
“A message that a woman does not warrant the law’s protection and respect? Or that of her husband? I’m a father of a lass now, and I’ll not abide such things.”
“I thought this would go on a week or so, but at this rate, it will most likely be over in a matter of days. Perhaps you should bring Lizzy tomorrow. I want to see you both one last time. Then I want you to leave for home.”
“Nay. I canna let you go, Mari,” he said. “Lizzy and I need you. I’m going to get you out of here. I don’t know where we’ll go, but we’ll be together. We’ll make it work.”
She shook her head. “No, Cam. You promised. If you’re locked up or hanged next to me, who will take care of Lizzy? Please let this go. Just take her home and live a good life with her.”
“Live a good life? How the bloody hell am I supposed to live a good life without you? You think I’m just going to take the babe home to Dunardry and wish you well?”
“Yes.”
“No! I’ll not leave you here to face this alone.” He let out a breath. “There has to be some way out of this. Some way to save you so we can all go home and be a family. I can’t do this without you.”
He now understood how his mother felt, being the one left behind with a broken heart.
He’d always thought he’d be the one to leave someone else to this kind of empty existence. He’d avoided love precisely so he wouldn’t cause anyone pain. It seemed like a mockery of his plans that he was the one left behind once again.
His voice faltered, but he needed to be strong for her.
“I’ll not run,” she said firmly. “I’ll not risk you or our daughter, and I’ll not force you into a life in constant fear of discovery. I committed this crime. I shall pay for it, just as I knew I would since the moment I looked down at my bloody hands.”
Her Accidental Highlander Husband (MacKinlay Clan) Page 26
