Grabbing her own coat, she herded him out of the door and into his cottage where Trevor was watching them from his blanket on the carpet. Trevor sat up with a hopeful whine.
‘Not this time, Trevor,’ Lottie said, ruffling his ears. She found Jay’s jacket, ‘Put it on,’ she ordered.
Minutes later, Jay was hunched in the passenger seat, staring zombie-like out of the front window.
‘Do you know when Seb was taken ill? Ben didn’t say anything last night,’ she said, steering the truck smoothly out of the gates and onto the public road.
‘No …’ Jay was crushed by the story his dad had told him. ‘Apparently Seb was a bit under the weather last night though Nadia thought it was just a cold.’
‘Oh no.’ Lottie’s knuckles whitened on the wheel.
‘Seb seemed better this morning but then he went downhill after dinner and developed a rash this afternoon. They called an ambulance and it rushed him off to hospital. They must be out of their minds with worry.’
‘He’s in the best hands.’ She steered the truck between the dry-stone walls of a narrow lane that was a short cut to the A road. The wipers swished furiously, barely coping with the rain.
‘What if it’s not enough?’
‘You have to hope it will be. They’ll be doing absolutely everything to save him.’
‘But they might not be able to. You know that, Lottie.’
‘Try not to think the worst. Ben needs you to be strong and positive for him. If something terrible happens, then he’s going to need you to be even stronger.’
‘Poor Nadia,’ he murmured, thinking of the agony his ex must be going through. ‘No one deserves this … and oh God, my mum and dad will be beside themselves with worry.’
‘All the more reason for you to be there to support them.’
It was an agonising journey, made worse by the roads being so wet. Lottie did brilliantly with the strange vehicle, but they couldn’t risk rushing too much and at one point, she had to negotiate through a flooded section.
On the journey, Jay texted his parents and received a reply from his father, saying they were ‘hoping for the best’, whatever that meant. He guessed his dad was putting on a brave face for the rest of the family. Seb was their first and only grandchild, unexpected – and his arrival had split the family apart – but he was also Jay’s flesh and blood, and precious.
Lottie offered to stay, but Jay thought she might be there all night and he persuaded her to go home and get some sleep. He knew he’d have none. When Lottie dropped him off outside the hospital, he took a few moments to steel himself. He didn’t even know if his little nephew was still alive but he tried to hold on to Lottie’s words: his family needed someone to offer hope and strength, and if, God forbid, the worst happened, Lottie was right, they’d need him even more.
When she’d asked him if he’d want Ben with him, if he’d been in the same situation, he hadn’t hesitated. No matter what had happened, he loved them. He always had even if that love had lain buried under an avalanche of disappointment and bitterness.
None of it mattered now. He’d go through it a thousand times again if Seb could live.
Even as he thought it, he realised that bargains like that were futile.
He gave his name at the desk and was sent up to the paediatric ICU where a nurse told him Seb was still critical and showed him into a side room. His parents leapt up from their chairs and his mum flew into his arms and sobbed. His dad stood by, grim-faced, while Jay attempted to soothe his mother, although all he could do was let her cry, and keep saying, ‘He’ll be OK. I know he will,’ while his mother cried herself out.
A couple of hours later, Jay went to get everyone a cup of tea but before he reached the machine, Ben emerged from the ICU. He looked like a broken man, grey-faced, and exhausted.
Jay experienced the worst moment of his life: one that eclipsed the moment he’d found out Seb wasn’t his. One far darker and more terrifying than he had ever known.
He froze before meeting his brother. ‘Ben?’ was the only word he could squeeze from his paralysed throat.
‘He’s turned the c-corner,’ Ben said. ‘He’s not out of danger but he’s responding well.’
Ben’s arms hung by his sides but Jay didn’t hesitate. He flung his arms around his brother and held him more tightly than he’d ever held him before. Ben sobbed like a baby, and Jay let his own tears flow.
‘Mate,’ he said softly, releasing Ben. ‘I’m more relieved than you can ever know but for God’s sake don’t let Mum and Dad see us like this. Go and tell them now, put them out of their misery, eh?’
‘Will you come with me? Nadia’s still with Seb.’
‘Course I will, if you want me to.’
Ben hugged him again, so hard, it took Jay’s breath away. ‘Thank you for coming. Thank you so much.’
It was early morning before his parents went home for a few hours’ rest. Seb had continued to improve and was out of immediate danger. Jay had texted Lottie with an update on Seb’s progress and asked her to look after Trevor for him.
Now morning was breaking, he decided it would be safe to go home himself. He was exhausted and in desperate need of a shower. He headed down the corridor. He could call Ben and Nadia later.
Ben saw him. ‘Jay, wait!’
Ben thudded up behind him. ‘Please don’t rush off.’
‘Seb’s out of danger.’
‘Thank you for being here for us. It means so much to me. To us – Nadia and me.’
‘You don’t have to thank me. You’re family. All of you.’
Ben patted his back. ‘That means the world to us. This is probably not the time but please hear me out. When I told you to move on, I didn’t understand why you wouldn’t forgive me. Well, I’ve tried to understand and I don’t blame you. I came to accept you’d never see or speak to me again, that I’ve hurt you in the worst way I possibly could. I’m sorry. I can’t undo the past.’ He paused for breath. ‘Like you said, I don’t wish to undo anything I did because that would mean I wouldn’t have Seb. I would die for him, Jay.’
‘I know you would,’ Jay said. ‘I would for you too – and for him if it would have helped. He’s my family.’
Ben was on the verge of tears again. ‘I don’t deserve a brother like you.’
‘C’mon,’ Jay said. ‘I’m only human, mate, and it’s time we both put all of that behind us. I want to start my life again.’
Ben nodded and that ‘big brother’ glint appeared in his eyes, signalling he’d winkled out one of Jay’s secrets. ‘Does this fresh start involve Lottie by any chance?’
There was no point hiding. ‘I don’t know if she’ll have me after the way I’ve treated her. I’ve probably blown my chances, letting all this … crap between us fester and blind me to any kind of future.’
With mock solemnity, Ben laid his hand on Jay’s shoulder. ‘Bro, don’t you think you should be telling her this, not me?’
‘Yes. I probably should.’
Ben hugged him, slapping his back. Jay held him, and his heart soared at the return of some of the warmth and love he used to feel for his brother. He’d spent a long, lonely time in the cold wilderness but he was home now. Almost home …
He thought of Lottie, waiting for his call to say he needed a lift from the hospital – but Jay had other plans.
Chapter Forty-One
Lottie’s heart missed several beats when she saw Jay standing on her doorstep in the pouring rain, until she spotted the smile beneath the dark eyes and pallor.
She let him in, desperate for an update. She’d been waiting for his call but had only received texts saying things were going well and Jay had decided to get a taxi home.
She took him straight into the kitchen, which was warm from the Aga. ‘Any more news of Seb?’ she asked.
‘He’s still doing well and out of ICU. I got back a couple of hours ago and just had a kip and a shower.’
‘Have you had anything to eat?�
�
He shook his head. ‘Not yet. I wanted to let you know how Seb was and to thank you for taking me to the hospital. I wouldn’t have been safe to drive.’
‘It was the least I could do. Let me make you some breakfast.’
‘Great. Thanks.’
After sitting him down at the kitchen table with a coffee, she got a pack of bacon from the fridge. She guessed he might want to talk about more than Seb but that could come in his own good time.
She turned on the gas under the frying pan, thinking of something undemanding to talk about while Jay collected his thoughts. He looked absolutely done in. ‘I sent the video of Keegan and her reindeer to the twins,’ she said, laying rashers in the pan.
‘Were they impressed?’
‘Of course. They loved it.’
She leaned against the work top while the rashers sizzled, filling the air with a sweet tang.
‘I’m glad.’ He wrinkled his nose. ‘God, that smells good. I’m starving.’
‘No wonder. You’ve had a hellish night.’
He shuddered. ‘I never want to go through anything like that again.’
Lottie added another rasher to the pan for good measure.
‘Is there anything I can do?’ he asked above the hiss of frying bacon.
‘You could slice some bread from the loaf. I’ve had some toast so just do yourself some.’
A few minutes later, she piled crispy bacon onto doorsteps of sourdough and found him a bottle of Daddies sauce. After making herself a fresh coffee, she joined him at the table. It gave her a lot of pleasure to watch him devour the sandwich, and to see the colour returning to his cheeks.
He’d had a massive shock, and coming on top of his row with Ben, it had drained him. The worry had kept her awake much of the night too, waiting on, yet dreading, any news. She’d also wondered how Jay had managed with Ben during the crisis – and what would happen now between the family. Not to mention between her and Jay.
Once every crumb had gone from his plate, and been washed down with a second mug of coffee, he sat back with a sigh. He still looked tired but the tension had been replaced by a softer weariness.
‘Thanks for that. It was exactly what I needed. Thanks for everything, Lottie. I don’t know how I’d have coped without you. I was a complete mess last night.’
‘That’s understandable.’
‘I don’t mean at the hospital.’ He swallowed. ‘I mean after the wedding, with Ben and – and how I spoke to you. That was unforgivable. I want to tell you what happened between us.’
She wanted to hold him, soothe him, but felt he wasn’t ready yet. ‘Of course, I’ll listen.’
‘Nadia and me. Our relationship was on the rocks. In fact, I’m not sure we’d have stayed together if we hadn’t found out the baby was on the way.’
‘What?’
‘It wasn’t the perfect story that I let you think – or that I wanted to cling on to. Ben admitted to me that he’d been in love with her since I first introduced her to the family. They didn’t do anything about it until one night when Nadia and I had had a row about something trivial that blew up out of all proportion. I drove off up to the fells and Ben came round while I was out. He found her and I suppose he comforted her. That’s when they slept together … It doesn’t make what he did any easier but it makes it more understandable, I suppose.’
She waited for him to continue, unwilling to break the thread now he’d started.
‘In other ways it made it harder for me – that they were in love for so long and she must have been thinking of leaving. I just wish that we could all have been honest with each other and split up. She did only sleep with him once, I think. She told me she kept trying to put it behind her and hoped we could still make a go of it with Seb. But when we were in that scan, the baby became so real, and she had to be honest with me.’
‘Last Christmas, after I found out the baby wasn’t mine, and I stormed out of the hospital, I drove around for hours. Eventually, I went over to Ben’s flat and had it out with him. He was as shocked as I was – or so he claimed. Nadia hadn’t told him that Seb might be his. He had no way of knowing that she and I hadn’t had sex for a long time.’
Lottie thought that still didn’t excuse Ben, but she kept quiet.
‘We didn’t come to blows but I said some really horrible stuff to him. I meant it at the time but now, I wish I hadn’t blown up, no matter how upset I was.’
‘So how did Nadia feel about it all?’ Lottie asked.
‘Devastated – not that I cared. I didn’t go back home because I didn’t want to see her. I tried to pretend she didn’t exist, and directed all my hurt at Ben. I checked into the only hotel with a vacancy because I couldn’t bear to see her or Ben or my mum and dad.’ He glanced down at his hands. ‘So, I basically spent last Christmas Day in a motorway service area, with Trevor, feeling sorry for myself. When I went back to the flat on Boxing Day, Nadia had gone. She’d packed up and left for Ben’s place and she’s stayed there ever since.’
‘Oh, Jay. You can’t beat yourself up for being so upset. What happened after Christmas?’
‘I gave up the flat when the lease was up and applied for the job at Firholme here because I knew it had accommodation. I thought it would be a way of hiding away from the world. I’ve wasted a whole year wallowing in misery.’
‘Not the whole year.’
‘No.’ His fingers closed over hers. ‘You’re right. You showed me how precious families are and how I could trust and love someone else again if I let go of all the fears and bitterness. I wasn’t as healed as I thought – then I go and make the same mistake again.’ He grasped Lottie’s hand. ‘Ben and I, we’ve decided to bury the hatchet and at least be civil with each other.’
‘I’m so pleased to hear that.’ Their fingers were entwined, each seeking and finding the trust they’d missed for so long. ‘I want to tell you something about Connor and me.’
He frowned, perhaps expecting a fresh shock. ‘What?’
‘It’s about the engagement and why it hurt so much when it ended. You see, Connor proposed to me at the end of a holiday in Cornwall. On a beach at sunset. He even went down on one knee, produced a ring and went for the whole rom com movie scene.’
‘He really is a piece of work,’ Jay murmured.
‘I bought into the fantasy too … and when he changed his mind and wanted people to believe we’d split up amicably I went along with that too. I felt humiliated and stupid that I’d let myself be so easily … conned. The last thing I wanted was pity. I was ashamed at being jilted, even though I hadn’t been the cause of the pain.’
He grasped her hand again. ‘Ashamed? You shouldn’t have felt ashamed and yet, I do know how it feels. Oh, Lottie …’
‘There was another reason why I didn’t want anyone to know what had really happened between Connor and me. I did phone Steph to break the news, but I never got to tell her and I don’t regret that. She’d only received her diagnosis that day. She didn’t need any extra worry about me, so I lied and said it was a mutual decision and that I was fine with it.’
‘Lottie, Lottie …’ he kept saying, rubbing her hand. ‘I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.’
She was on the verge of tears. ‘You’re a good man, Jay, and you’re the only person in the world who knows all the details, apart from Connor and me. You must promise me that things will stay that way.’
‘Of course I will, but the man’s more of an arse that I even dreamed. How have you been able to arrange the man’s wedding, after what he did to you?’
‘Gritted my teeth and got on with it, but … when he walked in, I was shocked. I was – jealous. I did think “what if” and I thought, for a few weeks, that I might still be in love with him. Gradually I realised I wasn’t and that our time had gone – and most of all, that I didn’t want our time to come again. Connor wasn’t the man I’d once loved any more. He hadn’t changed. I had … and I’d met you.’
H
is eyes shone with something like delight. She’d thought he was handsome from the start, but now he was literally making her go weak at the knees. She’d given up all hope of that ever happening to her – and yet it was. She also knew that it was a sincere, deep-rooted feeling, from a man whose heart wasn’t given lightly.
There were no guarantees in life, but she was as sure as she could be that, this time, this love would not be snatched away again.
The chair scraped as he rose from the table.
‘Please,’ he said, reaching out his hand.
She allowed him to pull her to her feet, draw her into his arms and hold her close. ‘Last Christmas, I vowed I’d never trust someone, or love someone, or risk my heart ever again. And yet …’ He held her tighter. ‘Here you are, against all the odds. I think I’ve loved you for a long time now, but I refused to allow myself to accept it. I built my walls higher and higher and tried to keep you out. I gave myself excuses, I searched for any reason not to trust you or open myself up again.’
He stroked her hair.
‘Jay. I wish I’d been honest with you from the start.’
‘You had no obligation to. I was so … thorny. Why would you share anything with me at all? Still, I couldn’t keep you out or fight against how I feel for you.’
She had to smile. ‘You make me sound like some kind of invader, crashing into your life.’
He laughed. ‘No, you’ve done nothing – nothing except be you. And being you is more than enough and way more than I deserve.’ He held her face in his hands. ‘Can we start again?’
‘I’d rather build on what we have.’
She wasn’t sure who kissed who, only that it was the deepest, sweetest kiss she wanted to last forever. A little breathless afterwards, she said, ‘I don’t think there’s any point you going all that way home in this terrible weather, is there?’
Jay nodded enthusiastically. ‘No, I agree.’
She nodded her head. ‘It might be safer for us to huddle together for warmth on my sofa before you venture outside.’
The next morning was Tuesday and Lottie was awake early. With Jay, all her worries had been set aside for a few hours. However, now, her thoughts were all for Steph.
A Surprise Christmas Wedding Page 28
