by Ward Parker
She sat in her front yard in the dark beside the stone paver she’d placed there with all the offerings. She kept her eyes closed for what seemed like hours.
Until she heard the high-pitched belch.
She opened her eyes, and a gnome stood before her.
He was a little shorter than the average garden gnome and rather slim, not of the chubby, cartoonish proportions of the lawn ornaments. Despite his diminutive size, he had managed to finish off the ale and the cake and was squirting the can of cheese into his mouth.
“Thank you for coming,” Missy said.
“Yeah, what do you want?” He had a high, nasal voice that matched his stature. But she didn't understand why he had a Brooklyn accent.
“I’m asking you to serve justice in the name of gnomes everywhere.”
“Huh?”
Missy explained the complicated story. Simply mentioning garden gnomes made the real gnome furious. He said they were a tremendous insult to his people and that even hinting that garden gnomes were spiritually connected to the real creatures was incredibly offensive.
“Okay, I’ll help you. This guy needs some tutoring,” the gnome said. “When I'm done with him, he'll see the error of his ways. Trust me. Now give me a ride to his place.”
"It's in the middle of the night."
"And I'm his worst nightmare. Let's go."
Missy opened the passenger door of her car and the gnome took a running leap and landed on the seat.
"Maybe we should use a child seat—um, never mind," Missy said, receiving a deadly glare from the gnome.
She got in the car and backed out of the driveway. The silence during the ride was awkward.
“I’m Missy, by the way.”
“We don’t give our names out,” the gnome said, sitting on the armrest so he could see out the windshield. “Your name gives someone else power over you.”
Missy understood. The power of your name was a well-known law of magic and the supernatural. What she didn’t know was how this little guy would teach Frank a lesson. Was he just going to trip him like a plastic garden gnome?
Missy turned off her headlights before pulling up in front of Frank’s house in a neighborhood that had large lots but drab homes. The gnome pushed the button to lower the window.
“How are you going to get in?” Missy whispered.
The gnome looked at her like she was an idiot and jumped out of the car. He scurried away so quickly she didn’t see where he went.
Gnomes were born with a small amount of natural magic, but Missy didn’t know what they could do with it. Breaking into homes was apparently an example.
She sat in the car for a while, getting more worried about what the gnome was doing to Frank. What if he killed him? Someone might have taken note of her license plate. She drummed her thumbs nervously on the steering wheel.
“Let’s go.”
She jumped. The gnome was in the car again, sitting on the armrest.
“What did you do to him?” she asked after the gnome closed the window.
“I can’t divulge that,” the gnome said. “Let’s just say that I disabused him of his stupid romantic notions about plastic lawn ornaments. And I encouraged him to understand—and I mean the kind of encouragement that comes with a big doctor’s bill—that he needs to make restitution to the victims of his cockamamie scheme. He assured me he’s gonna set up a generous victims’ fund anonymously.”
“That’s awesome,” Missy said. “I guess.” She still worried about her license plate number.
When they returned to her house, the gnome hopped out and climbed on top of the rock with the offerings.
“Your request for my visit has been fulfilled,” he said. “Now I’m gonna take my leave. Consider your problem fixed.”
He disappeared. The salt and the coins disappeared with him.
No more gnomes. Those were words to live by.
THE END
Afterword
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COMING NEXT IN FREAKY FLORIDA
Book 5: Going Batty
A vampire tale even a caveman would love.
The retired vampires at Squid Tower in Jellyfish Beach, Florida, have it good. Until some ancient vampires show up. These strange bloodsuckers can turn into bats, unlike modern vampires. And they’re also a bunch of Neanderthals. No, really. Not all Neanderthals went extinct. Some went undead. And now they want to rule all the vampires of Florida.
Missy Mindle, midlife witch and nurse to elderly supernaturals, uses her magick to help her vampire patients fight back. But when the Neanderthals start taking vampire hostages, and kidnap the daughter of Missy’s cousin, get ready for a conflict of prehistoric proportions. Find Going Batty here:
US:
https://tinyurl.com/y4gyle4k
UK:
https://tinyurl.com/yxa4h2zt
CA:
https://tinyurl.com/y4ada47w
AU:
https://tinyurl.com/yxc8qogq
OTHER BOOKS IN FREAKY FLORIDA
Have you read Book 1, Snowbirds of Prey?
Retirement is deadly.
Centuries-old vampires who play pickleball. Aging werewolves who surf naked beneath the full moon. To survive, they must keep their identities secret, but all the dead humans popping up may spell their doom. Can Missy Mindle, midlife amateur witch, save them? Get Snowbirds of Prey here:
US:
https://tinyurl.com/wynbjze
UK:
https://tinyurl.com/yxybgtp3
CA:
https://tinyurl.com/qnfrfxc
AU:
https://tinyurl.com/wb4349n
Or Book 2, Invasive Species?
Gators. Pythons. Iguanas.
Dragons?
Why not? It’s Florida.
Missy, midlife amateur witch and nurse to elderly supernaturals, has two problems. First, she found a young, injured dragon in the Everglades with a price on its head. Second, her vampire patient Schwartz has disappeared after getting caught by Customs with werewolf blood. (It’s like Viagra for vampires. Don’t ask.) Order Invasive Species today here:
US:
https://tinyurl.com/t9ay6fg
UK:
https://tinyurl.com/yx4lz28w
CA:
https://tinyurl.com/vl2qequ
AU:
https://tinyurl.com/qn3kzl7
Or Book 3, Fate Is a Witch?
Missy Mindle has two mysteries to solve. First, who is making a series of dangerous magick attacks against her that appear to be tests of her growing witchy abilities? And who is stealing corpses from funeral homes in Jellyfish Beach? When an embalmer is murdered, one of Missy’s patients, a werewolf, is arrested. Can she exonerate him? Oh, and don’t forget the hordes of ghouls and Hemingway lookalikes. Who will stop them?
US:
https://tinyurl.com/qp8p29f
UK:
https://tinyurl.com/vhed7l7
CA:
https://tinyurl.com/wjeqqn2
AU:
https://tinyurl.com/vjdk4xn
About the Author
Ward is a Florida native and author of the Freaky Florida series, a romp through the Sunshine State with witches, vampires, werewolves, dragons, and other bizarre, mythical creatures such a
s #FloridaMan. He also pens the Zeke Adams Series of Florida-noir mysteries and The Teratologist Series of historical supernatural thrillers. Connect with him on social media with the links below. Twitter (@wardparker), Facebook (wardparkerauthor), Goodreads, or wardparker.com.
ALSO BY WARD PARKER
The Zeke Adams Florida-noir mystery series. You can buy Pariah here: US UK and Fur here: US UK CA
The Teratologist series of historical paranormal thrillers. Buy the first novel here: US UK
“Gods and Reptiles,” a Lovecraftian short story. Buy it here: US UK
“The Power Doctor,” an historical witchcraft short story. Get it here: US UK
Copyright © 2020 by Ward Parker
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
