Her lips parted in a silent gasp. “But, you—you are certain? The earldom is yours by birthright.”
He shook his head. “If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that rights are earned, not given. And I don’t want this right. Don’t want anything to do with this place. With the past. Ness and I will leave on the morrow, whether or not your son arrives.”
“But…but you are family. You must—”
“I must do nothing.” His eyes narrowed at her, his fury from yesterday instantly igniting into flames and surging through his blood. “With due regard, Lady Washburn, you may have saved my life, but then you threw an eleven-year-old boy onto a ship, injured, with no memory of his past. Everything of my life, of who I am now, is what I’ve built with my own two hands since then. Good and bad. I don’t need to be delivered from it, don’t need to be saved from it.”
“Oh.” Her hand flew up to her face, her fingers pressing against her lips. “I am so sorry, my sweet lad. So sorry for what path I sent you on. I don’t know how you will forgive me.”
“It is what it is.” The statement made, not offering forgiveness or condolences against her distress. Noble emotions that he doubted he’d ever be able to extend to this woman and her family. He inclined his head to her. “You will excuse me.”
Grabbing his lamp, Talen turned on his heel and strode out of the library, needing Ness. Her body, her arms around him. Needing him grounded to who and what he was. London. Harsh. Driven. Wary. Not to be trifled with.
Stepping into his room, he watched Ness sleeping on her side as he stripped down. The low light from the fireplace sent shadows across the top of her smooth breasts, her nipples just barely covered by the sheet he’d tugged over her when he’d left the bed. Her fingers moved on the empty mattress beside her, and her eyes fluttered open, drowsy.
Finding him standing next to the bed, she smiled and Talen crawled under the sheet, kissing her bare shoulder. At least the beds were comfortable here at Washburn. Thick mattresses that could cushion Ness from how hard he needed to drive into her.
Her hand lifted to land on his chest, her fingers curling into his skin. And just like that, the fury dissipated from his veins.
Ness looked up at him. “Is the dowager back?”
“She is.”
“And who am I marrying?” She pushed herself to sitting, the sheet falling down about her waist and exposing her breasts.
Damned distracting.
“You’re marrying Talen Blackstone.”
“Yes. And?”
He held back a wince. “Conner Josiah Bartholomew Francis Burton.”
The slightest smirk lifted the corners of her lips. “It is long.”
“It is.”
She nodded, her lips pursing. “But between us, it is Talen Blackstone I am marrying. Understood? You are Talen and no one else.”
“Understood and appreciated.” His head dipped, his lips moving down along her breast to her left nipple. Slipping it into his mouth, he swirled his tongue along it, marveling at how good she tasted. Always water to his thirst.
A mewl left her as she arched her back to angle herself better to his mouth and her fingers sank into his hair. “Did the dowager say anything else?”
“No.” He lifted his lips from her body for a breath. “But I told her.”
“Told her what?”
He moved onto her neck, finding the dipped burrow with his tongue where her collarbone, neck and shoulder triangulated, the exact spot that made the tiny hairs on her arms spike. “That I want no part of this family. No earldom. Nothing. That we are leaving on the morrow.”
“You what?”
His head popped up, his look finding her stunned face. “That I want nothing to do with this life.” He leaned forward, burying himself in her hair, his lips aching to be on her skin again.
She pushed against his chest, holding him away. “You just decided that?”
“I did.” His eyebrows angled inward as he found her gaze. “I don’t want this. This life.”
“Why not?”
“Why not?” He jerked away from her hands on his chest, his arm swinging up into the air around them. “I don’t want the monstrosity of this place. It only brings pain. It brought pain—death—to everyone that I cared about. Why would I want this? I don’t. There’s no reason for it. So I refused it.”
“But you can’t just refuse who you really are.” She leaned forward, her fingers finding the center line of his chest. “It is your birthright, this place, the title. You must take it.”
Her touch suddenly burning him, he jerked out of the bed, the full of his naked body pulsing in the flickering light of the fire, muscles twitching. “I don’t want it. Don’t want this. So stop pushing it, Ness.”
She scampered to the side of the mattress, dragging the sheet with her. “Talen, no. I’m not pushing it—I’m just saying you don’t remember everything yet. I only mean that you’re making a decision that you might regret. A decision not but two days after you found out what really happened to your parents. Of course you don’t want that—what happened to them—in your life. But there was so much more. If you remember more about who your parents were, how they were, maybe that’s your connection back to the good instead of the bad.”
Her toes touched the floor and Talen took a step away from her, his fingers folding into fists.
She stood, clutching the sheet at her chest, advancing on him. “This family, this title. It wasn’t all horrible, Talen. I remember that. I saw you happy here once. Happy like any child that had a carefree life. I envied you that life.” She reached out, grabbing for his arm, but he snapped it away. Yet still she came at him.
“And your aunt even said so—she said you three, your mother, father and you, were happy. Happy. That was all I ever wanted you to remember by coming back here. That you were happy. Capable of it. Worthy of it.”
Every word she said, a nail pounding into his brain. She kept talking about a happiness he’d never known, like it was a given.
But what happiness could have existed if it all ended like it did?
False happiness?
That was the only thing that could have existed. His mother took her last breath in front of his very eyes, reaching for him, and he’d been too cowardly to stretch out even a finger to her.
He wasn’t fit to even sniff around happiness. Happiness had no place in his life. He’d always known that to his core and finally discovering what happened to his parents only solidified that fact.
“You were happy, Talen.” Ness took a final step toward him, her amber eyes pleading, glowing gold in the firelight, and he had to thrust a long step backward, his heels touching the heat of the marble hearth.
“Yet instead of memories of happiness in my mind, you just set the reality of the nightmare that I’ve managed to avoid my whole life into my head.” His words snapped, his voice shaking with a sudden rage he couldn’t control, his yell filling the room. “That’s what you gave me here, Ness. A nightmare that I have to live with every minute now. Horrors that cannot be avenged. That is what you gave me when you brought me here. Not happiness. The exact opposite of it. Hell. Demons I cannot escape. You did this.”
Her head snapped back and she blanched white, her eyes wide.
Without a word, she dropped the sheet to the floor, grabbed her robe from the chair he’d flung it across earlier, wrapped it haphazardly about her body, and left the room.
He didn’t stop her.
{ Chapter 26 }
He should have gone and found her.
Five minutes. Ten. Thirty. That was as far as he should have left it.
But he’d scared her half to death.
Scared himself for how much anger he’d spewed out onto her.
It wasn’t her fault, none of this. She’d truly only brought him here to Washburn so that he would remember her from long ago. To prove to him she wasn’t crazy. And she wasn’t. But now he was starting to suffer madness in his own head he coul
dn’t escape from.
For that, he’d screamed at her like she was the devil himself. She wasn’t. He knew that, but fury had erupted out of him, uncontrolled, unplanned.
Fury that had caused for an agonizing moment, fear in her eyes. Fear of him.
Even a second of fear in her eyes was too much.
Setting fear into her was something he’d sworn to himself he would never do. Not with her past.
That alone kept him in his room, not going to Ness. Not wanting to admit to himself how he’d just failed her.
So instead, he’d left the last words he spoke to her to fester throughout the whole night. A whole night where he’d tossed and turned in an empty, cold bed.
And now he couldn’t find Ness.
He’d been searching the estate for two hours with no sign of her. He should have gone to find her at daybreak before she could have disappeared on him.
Talen veered left at the main staircase, heading into the lower drawing room with the odd sense that he and Ness were just circling about each other in this giant house, not in the same spot at the same moment.
Time to start retracing his steps.
Walking into the lower drawing room, he was surprised to find the dowager sitting by the east window, her stare on a diamond-shape pattern of embroidery in her hands. He hadn’t seen her all morning, nor when he’d checked in here a half hour prior.
“Lady Washburn, pardon my interruption, but do you know Ness’s whereabouts?”
Her forefinger pushing needle through cloth, the dowager glanced up from her embroidery. “Good morning, sweet lad. She is not in her room?”
“No.”
Her look went back down to her needle. “The solarium?”
“No.”
“The portrait gallery?”
“No.”
“The breakfast room or the library?”
“No and no.” Was she going to name every blasted room in the place? He stifled a sigh. “She’s not in the house.”
“I see. Then she must not yet be back from the coaching inn.”
Why in the hell hadn’t the dowager started there?
He took a step toward the dowager, his voice incredulous. “The coaching inn?”
Ness wouldn’t. Not without telling him. She wouldn’t dare go alone to the coaching inn.
Would she?
“Yes.” The dowager pulled free a long stretch of pink thread, her right hand going high into the air as she looked up at him. “She said she needed to go there early this morning, though she didn’t say why. I thought she just forgot something she needed there that was with your coach. I thought she would be back by now.” Her head angled toward the window. “You can check with the stable hand to see which horse she took.”
“No. She wouldn’t have.”
The dowager smiled. “Wouldn’t have what, sweet lad?”
“She wouldn’t have gone there without telling me.”
The dowager shrugged and looked back to her embroidery. “I can only report to you what she said when we crossed paths in the breakfast room.”
“How long ago?”
“Two hours, maybe three. Possibly more. I did not note the time. What time did the sun arise this morning? It was soon after.” Her gaze lifted to Talen, her grey eyebrows scrunching inward. “You seem worried, Conner.”
“Talen.”
“Talen. My apologies. But you seem worried.” She set her embroidery on her lap. “Should I help you look for her?”
For a moment he thought to say yes, but then he shook his head, his foot lifting to leave. “No. No, I will find her.”
“Forgive a prying question, but is something amiss between the two of you?”
His feet stopped and he looked to her. “We fought last night about me denying the title.”
“You fought?” Her forehead wrinkled, the thought ruffling her sensibilities. “On that? Whatever for?”
“Ness thinks the title is my birthright.”
“She is right, of course, it is your birthright.” She leaned toward him, her voice dropping a notch. “But if I may ask, would she truly leave over something like that?”
“No.”
Her lips pursed and she nodded. Though the nod didn’t look definitive. It looked questioning.
For long seconds she looked to stay silent, but then her mouth opened. “How well do you know Mrs. Docherty? Would she leave you because you could be an earl but are choosing against it? Did she think that you becoming an earl was a given in traveling here? Why did she truly bring you to this place?”
Her lips pursed for a long moment. “I do not wish to speak ill of her. I only ask because if she hadn’t recognized who you were and brought you here, you never would have known who you were, correct? You would still be in London moving about your life as you always were?”
“No.” He stilled, the word drawling out from his lips. “No. Ness just wanted me to remember. Remember that I knew her once upon a time.”
“As you say, sweet lad.” She looked down to her lap, her fingers tapping along the edge of the tambour frame. “Though I hate to say it, it does not seem like you need someone like that, Talen.”
“What?”
Her hand flew up to calm. “Forgive me, but I could hear part of the argument you two had last night as I was on my way to my chambers. Only a few words, of course, as I passed.”
His eyes narrowed at her. “What did you hear?”
“Only that she wants you to take the title. That is what has me wary. If it was your choice, I would not question it. But the argument was about the very thing you told me you’d already decided.” She drew in a deep breath, a frown settling on her face. “Believe me, I’ve seen plenty of fortune hunters going after my son during the years. Had to even scare some of them off. Ruthless it is, the marriage mart. I cannot even imagine how it will be for Mrs. Docherty being a widow.”
Talen went deathly still, his words slow and punctuated. “Ness isn’t marrying me because I’m in line for a title, Lady Washburn.”
“No?” She picked up the embroidery from her lap. “If you say so, sweet lad. I am positive you are right. Again, I apologize for overhearing. I was walking up from the kitchens after tea as I couldn’t sleep. Too much commotion in my mind with your arrival, bittersweet that it is. It has made me sad, remembering your parents. Your mother was a dear friend that I miss to this day.”
Her fingers went busy with her needlepoint, her eyes squinting at the thread pushing into fabric. “Curious that Mrs. Docherty didn’t just stay at Whetland Castle after her husband died. Or maybe she meant to move back with her father before she met you, though if I recall, I found him somewhat of an odious man back in the day.”
“You aren’t wrong on that score.” Talen inclined his head to the dowager. “If you’ll excuse me.”
The dowager kept up her prattling, not even looking up as he started to leave the room. “I did send him word that his daughter was in residence, just in case he wishes to visit her. He is not too far away. I believe it has been many years since Lord Gundall came to Washburn.”
Talen whipped around to his aunt. “You did what?”
She looked up, startled. “I sent him a message—why, what have I done? You are alarmed?”
He advanced on her. “You wrote that bastard that Ness was here?”
Her embroidery crumpled down to her lap. “Yes. I thought she would be grateful I sent the letter so she wouldn’t have to. I mentioned it to her this morning before she left. She didn’t seem upset.”
“You did what?” The words so loud, his voice echoed out of the room and into the main hallway. “You told her you wrote her father?”
If he was ever going to strangle someone, it might very well be this old biddy.
Her hands shook, trying to pick up the needle that had dropped into the folds of her skirt. “I am sorry, what did I do? I didn’t know it was a secret, that you and Mrs. Doch—”
“We’re eloping for blasted sake.”
Both of her palms flew upward, her words shaking. “But I—I thought that was just because you didn’t want to wait for banns. It did not escape the maids that Ness’s bed hasn’t been slept in.”
“Bloody meddling woman.” Talen spun away from her, stalking toward the door.
He had to find Ness. Now.
He jerked to a stop, pacing back into the room, his hand running through his hair. “When will your son be here? I’ve changed my mind. We have details that need to be discussed.”
“Details? What details?” She tossed her embroidery onto the table and started to stand, reflecting his sudden panic.
“Details about the title.”
Her hand went onto her chest. “But I thought you didn’t want the earldom. You—you said you wanted nothing to do with the title.”
“Yes, well, I’ve changed my mind. I’ll do anything to get Ness back. If that means becoming the earl—if that’s what she needs to hear—I’ll do it.”
With a quick intake of breath, she shook her head. “You shouldn’t bow to a woman like that, Conner. She will control you the rest of your life. If she’s gone, she’s gone. Let her be. You can go back to your life in London.”
“Except I don’t bloody well care about my life in London.”
He paused.
Damn that it had taken him too long to realize the very truth of his own words, the realization and what that meant racing madcap in his head. “And I don’t bloody well care about a life here. Ness is the only thing I care about and I mean to make it up to Scotland with her today. And if I have to claim the title to get her to come with me—to protect her—I sure as hell am going to do so.”
Her eyes wide, the dowager looked struck for a long second before she blinked, nodding. “But of course, of course. I did not realize you held her in such high esteem. Do what you must for her, most certainly. Clayborne will be here today, I am sure of it. I expected him by this morning, if not earlier. He sometimes stays in Kirkby as that is only a fast three-hour ride away, so he should be here before you know it and you can speak to him.”
Dangerous Exile (An Exile Novel Book 3) Page 18
