I stand there facing the wall opposite of them as long as they allow, only turning around when my name is called.
With each pair of eyes met, heaviness falls on my shoulders to the point I have to sit.
I look to Captain, who stands there in his gown, eyes slowly shifting from the floor to me, but then I notice the pressure with which he’s gripping the rolling IV machine and motion for his bed.
A frown hits his brows and he stands taller as if he has to prove his strength.
He doesn’t.
“Sit down, Captain. You’ve been standing a long time.”
“I’m good,” he assures me, then looks me over. “I could use some of my own fucking clothes, too, though.”
I nod. “Maybell brought something for all of us,” I pause. “Or for us three...” My eyes fly to Maddoc’s, and the move alone almost crushes me on the spot.
His hands open and close at his sides, and he can’t keep eye contact. His deep, sharp inhales and exhales causing a sting in my own chest.
“Because I wasn’t here,” he growls at himself, his head falling back. He takes a quick glance at me down his nose but then squeezes his eyes shut and spins around where he stands. I stare at the back of him as his hand comes up to cover his mouth.
He feels guilty, like this is all his fault.
“Royce,” Cap says slowly, almost unsure. “Help me out?”
“I can help you,” I rush out, the slight croak in my voice giving away the panic flaring in my gut.
My eyes land on Maddoc’s back, and sure as shit, his head falls, his hands coming up to cross behind his neck.
Royce grabs the shit from Captain’s bag before making his way to me.
He drops in front of me on the bed, his eyes tight, lips pinched flat. “I’m so mad at you, RaeRae,” he whispers, shaking his head. “I should have been with you for all that shit. Not Bass fucking Bishop. Me. Someone who loves you, someone who could have held you, helped you, fuck I don’t know...” His voice trails off. “Something.”
I lean forward gently touching my forehead to his, ignoring the sting from the bruising there. “You did,” I whisper, and his eyes lift to mine, our foreheads still touching. “If it wasn’t you who walked in the bathroom when I was talking to Maybell, I would have broke. Nobody would have done in that moment but you. You didn’t push me, didn’t ask me any questions, you were just there, which is exactly what I needed.”
He swallows. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I nod against him.
“Am I gonna hurt you if I hug you right now?”
A laugh spits from me and I shake my head no even though, yeah, it probably will.
He knows that, too, so he’s gentle in his hold. Before he pulls away, he whispers in my ear, “Talk to him, baby girl. If he didn’t when he left, he sure as fuck did after that conversation.”
I grip him tighter, not wanting to let him go, but his fingers glide to mine inconspicuously and he pries them open, holding my eyes as he steps back and stands, only breaking contact when he spins to Captain.
Captain, who’s looking right at me. He gives me an encouraging smile, but guilt fogs his features just the same.
I give a slow shake of my head, and the corner of his mouth tips the slightest bit.
“Come on, Cap.” Royce lays a hand on his shoulder. “Maybe I can get that nurse of yours to give your sponge bath to me instead.”
“She’s like fifty,” Cap says.
“Cougars love me.”
With a small laugh, the two of them walk out, leaving Maddoc and me alone for the first time in weeks.
The door closes with an easy click, but it rebounds off my ears like a hard hit to tin.
I have never wanted my brothers to get lost so bad in my life. Problem is, I never wanted them to keep their feet planted right where they were so fucking bad either, now here we are, alone.
My baby and me.
Only she’s not mine anymore, or at least that’s what we have to pretend, even now when it’s nothing but the air in her lungs filling mine.
Her mom held a gun to her head, loaded and cocked back, ready to shoot her. I could have lost her for real. Completely.
Knowing this makes me realize, even if I have to stand back, watch her fall in love with my brother like she loves me, I will. Happily, if it means she’s still here, still in sight where I can protect her.
Captain may be strong but there is no doubt in my fucking mind, nobody can protect her like me. Nobody.
I stay, I can steal what should be mine – her touch. I can brush her hand with my fingers when I walk by, claim it was an accident or grab her arm to get her attention. Anything to feel the heat of her skin on mine, if even for only a second and as innocent as that.
Only it won’t be innocent.
Every time I’ll wish her stormy eyes would move to mine with purpose, need. Want.
She killed her mom.
She banished Perkins.
She burned the Graven Estate to the ground.
She found out her only friend had – has – more secrets than we do.
She found out who raped her when she was younger – my own fucking blood.
Family runs deeper than blood.
Just when she probably felt things were coming together, Leo and Vienna come out of the woodwork, ready to tear her apart, hand her over like a dirty prize.
I did this.
All of it.
I jerk when her hand touches my shoulder blade, every muscle in my body tensing, but only for a moment, because in the next, her other one meets my bicep. Her little fingers wrapping around it the best they can, and it’s over.
My knees give, and I slam against the floor, welcoming the sting that shoots up my thighs. My head falls to my chest, my fists to the floor.
Her sharp, shattered inhale has the cords in my neck tightening, and I hate myself a little more.
After a few seconds, her sock covered feet come into view, followed by her knees as she plants herself right in front of me. She sits back on her feet, and when her hand lifts, I squeeze my eyes shut.
Her soft fingers shake against my cheek and I hold my breath, swallowing the little air I have in me. Heat covers my cold face as her palms meet my jaw, her hand spanning out until the tips of her pointer fingers are positioned behind my ears, the others caging in my neck.
She lifts my head, the soft shuffle letting me know she’s scooting closer.
It takes her a minute, but then she speaks. “Open your eyes, Big Man.”
Her breath wafts over my face, and I flatten my lips to keep the feel of her off me.
Fuck.
“B—” she cuts herself off, and her shuddered inhale matches mine. “Maddoc, please,” she whispers. “Open.”
My hands fly up to grip her wrist and she freezes, her fingers lifting from my skin, but I slide my hands up her wrists, covering the backs of hers with my own, and push them back down, leaving mine where they are and finally she relaxes again.
My eyes snap open, and instantly hers fall.
“Nuh-uh, baby,” I whisper. “That’s not fair.”
“Fair...” she whispers, a sad chuckle leaving her, and finally her eyes come.
Both our grips strengthen at the same time, hers on me and mine on her. It’s instinctual, to hold on tighter, to subconsciously fight for contact we want but can’t have.
“Royce found you,” she rasps. “Where’d you go?”
“For a ride.” I bite at the inside of my cheek, my eyes moving between hers.
“A ride...” She trails off, a shuttered breath leaving her as she pulls her lips between her teeth.
She knows.
“When I left the school, I ditched my phone and GPS. Went straight to the tracks.”
Her jaw begins to tremble.
“Hopped on the first train to pass, got off when it stopped. Did it over again the next day.”
Her head lowers, and she blows out a long breath.
She un
derstands, knows exactly why I chose to ride around on steel tracks.
I needed to feel you, baby, and that was the only time I came close.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my nostrils flaring as hers grow red. “This is on me, all of it.” Everything I just convinced myself of goes out the fucking window, and the words fly from me. “I never should have agreed to this. I never should have let him have you.”
“Stop.”
“You can’t be anyone else’s when you’re already mine, Raven. And you are. Mine.”
“Maddoc...” she croaks, and when her eyes fall so do her tears.
“I’m not asking you to hurt him,” I whisper as I slide closer, our knees now touching. “But, baby... I want you.”
“I’m pregnant.”
Her words are a rushed, harsh exhale, and my hands fly from her so fast she flinches.
I fall back on my heels, only to tumble to my ass.
I stagger to my feet, falling over once more, but I catch myself on the edge of the bed, only to stumble against the cabinets near the door. I tug it open and fall into the hall.
“Maddoc, wait!” she shouts, but the door closes me off from her.
My head slams against the wall and my cheeks start to shake.
I bite into my gums, until blood coats every inch of my mouth, slipping onto my lips. I squeeze my eyes shut, anger boiling as moisture invades the corners of my eyes.
Slow, heavy footsteps echo down the hall and I know they’re coming, but I have nothing in me to shake off this feeling, whatever the fuck it is.
I have nothing in me, but I’m not numb. Every inch of me aches, every fucking muscle is ready to tear, stretched to its max, and the tethers to my fucking heart are right there with it. I’d swear there was a hand inside my chest, squeezing, pulling, ripping it from my body if I didn’t know better.
“Madman?” Royce urges.
“M-m.” I shake my head. “No.” I scrunch my face up and push off the wall, blindly punching the one across from me before opening my eyes and storming down the hall.
I go straight for the elevator.
Right before the doors close, a hand slides in, forcing them to open again and Victoria stands glaring at me.
“Get the fuck away from me,” I growl, blood falling from my mouth.
She steps inside, pushing the close door button only to pull the emergency handle the second we start moving.
She turns, her brown eyes hard and focused on me. “Don’t talk. Listen.”
I’m still staring at the door, tears falling down my face when it opens, but it’s not the boys like I thought it’d be. It’s Rolland.
He’s slow in his steps, slipping his jacket off as he grows closer, setting it on the bed as he passes by. He grips the thigh of his slacks, tugging them up as he leans down in front of me.
His eyes are grave, earnest, and just as green as his son’s, it’s hard to look, harder to look away. His hand reaches out to grip my forearm, slowly, as if I might jerk away, but something has me leaning in. My face drops to my hands and I let them fall to his shoulder.
“What have I done, Raven?” he whispers. “Did I destroy my family?”
I shake my head against him. “This is beyond you. This goes back, way before you and everything after hit your blind spots hard.”
“What blind spots?”
“Your boys,” I rasp, taking a chance on what must be true. “Her.”
He tenses but only slightly. “I did love your mother, Raven.”
“Of course you did. She was a lone apple in a starved kingdom.” I sniffle. “Full of delayed poison. Like a fucking extended-release pill, hits you slowly and over time. Just as soon as it’s almost gone, when she’s finally out of your head, boom. Another blow burns in your veins.”
“I was just a boy, she was the first girl I cared for, so even though I couldn’t stand her later, I couldn’t stop trying to protect her in some way over the years.”
I nod, looking to him. “I ruined your family, not you.”
He shakes his head, eyes intent. “No.”
“You sound so sure.”
“Because I am. You’re strong.”
“Look at me.” I flop my hands out. “Do I look strong to you?”
“Considering, yes. You do.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re so far out of the loop right now, Rols, you have no idea.”
His lip tips and a sad laugh leaves him. “Man, haven’t heard you call me that in a long time, black bird.”
I scoff a laugh, looking away. I run my hands over my hair, letting them fall to my lap. “Things can’t go on like they have been here. These people, they’re here for a reason. The families in this town, the kids at the school, they want the future this place promises. The best of both worlds.”
He nods, looking to the door and back. “It really is, the grit and the glamour. Balls at seven, brawls at eleven,” he jokes, earning a small laugh from me, but it dies quick.
“I could do without the balls you speak of,” I tease, making him laugh.
“But for real, though, they deserve it.” My eyes slide between his. “I know nothing other than no one should fear without reason and no one should hurt without fault.”
“I’m with you, Raven. Whatever you need, whatever you wish for. If you let me.” He holds my eyes. “I will stand with you.”
I wipe my face, looking away, thinking a moment before asking. “Do the families meet regularly?”
“Once a month, unless we call for something sooner,” he tells me. “I can have them here by end of day if need be.”
“No,” I say. “I want to catch everyone off guard.”
“Then it’ll be six days from now.”
I nod. “Call that designer chick back.” I look to him. “The one redoing the room across from Captain’s for Zoey. Have her come, today. Now. Whatever they talked about, her and Cap, tell her to make it happen and more.”
He jerks his head. “Done.”
“And uh.” I lick my lips, biting into my bottom one before letting it free. I push to my feet, staring down at him. “I’m gonna need a nursery. I’ll pay for it, but I don’t know what, um...”
His face falls, his eyes softening as he pushes to his feet before me. He reaches out, ready to grip my hand but decides against it. “We’ll make sure to get everything you’ll need.” He swallows, hesitating. “When should I be sure it’s ready by?”
“Go, Rolland,” I whisper.
He nods and moves for the door, but pauses when I say, “Purple.”
Confused, he looks to me.
“For Zoey.” I think back to her basketball and the playhouse, the flowers lining the entry. “I think it’s her favorite color.”
He nods, pushing the door open but I hold him back once more.
“Why did they let you come in here?”
He considers what to share a moment before he sighs. “Maddoc didn’t look so hot when he came out, stormed off. They followed, but Victoria locked herself in the elevator shaft with him.”
My features drop. “What?”
“I imagine they’re trying to get it moving.” He shrugs. “Nothing they’ll be able to do until the flip is switched from the inside.”
I turn away, biting on the edge of the cotton cuffs of the sweatshirt. Even if Bass told them everything, like I asked him to, he couldn’t have added in the final piece.
The potential silver bullet, but we’re too far gone for new weapons.
Kings have been named, kingdoms set.
But it all comes down to the power of the queen, doesn’t it?
What about the power of two?
I’m at a fucking loss.
No clue what to think. No clue what to believe or what move is right if a right move exists at all. I’m fucked in my head and see no way out. It’s been three days of silence from everyone all around. Nobody speaks to one another. The only words shared are when someone announces they’re going for a walk or stepping out for a c
all or some bullshit like that.
I came outside today as soon as I heard Raven puking in the bathroom in the hall. Now, hours have passed, another sun gone, and I’m still sitting here alone against a tree at the edge of the hospital, away from all the windows.
Away from her.
Of course, the second I fucking think it, Bass Bishop drops down beside me, resting his arms on his knees as he lights a cigarette.
I glare at his profile a minute before saying what I should have the second he told me all he’s done for her. “Thank you.”
He takes his time, pulling in a long drag before blowing it out, then slowly slides his eyes my way. “For what, man? Letting your brother get shot, twice? For letting a gun get shoved in Raven’s face, forcing her to kill her own mom when one, I should have been there to prevent all of it, or two, been there soon enough to be the one who drove that knife through Ravina’s side so Raven didn’t have to?”
I shift my glower to the green strip of grass ahead of me.
“How about for not seeing Leo and Vienna coming? Or for letting Raven take off in the Graven house for too long, and having to drag her ass out with the help of Gio while she kicked and screamed, trying to convince a Graven to live instead of die?”
“Stop.”
He scoffs, looking away. “Then don’t fucking thank me, man.”
After a second, I ask him, “Where’s the body?”
“Got it to the crematory, quietly. They’ve got it ready and waiting in case she wants to bury or burn her. And she will.”
“She wig out?” I ask him.
Bass shakes his head, looking to the grass. “Nah, man. She held it all in, hid everything like the soldier she is. Her first crack, Royce was there for, thank fuck. She’s holdin’ on, but not by much at this point. She doesn’t know what to do. Her moves were easier before, helped all of you. She’s having to think now, and we both know that’s not the way she works, so she’s lost. She wants you, man, but she has guilt, a sense of debt.”
“Cap would never hold anything over her head.”
“Nope. He wouldn’t. But she thinks he gave up everything for her, and you? You plain gave up. What’s she supposed to do with that?”
Reign of Brayshaw (Brayshaw High #3) Page 24
