by Sue MacKay
‘Fine, Doctor. I’ve been walking up and down the ward for thirty minutes and while the wound is painful I got along quite well.’
‘Very well, from what I saw,’ Stacey added.
‘Don’t get too carried away,’ Noah told his patient. ‘After such a deep tear, that calf muscle is going to take time to fully heal.’
It was a typical ward round, and afterwards Noah stayed a few minutes, talking about his patients, dropping in a few smiles for her when he thought no one was looking.
Though Liz seemed to notice everything. ‘You sure you haven’t got something going with our hot surgeon?’ she asked as Stacey tried not to watch Noah striding along to the lift, his shoulders back and his head high.
Stacey wasn’t sure about anything except she was falling deeper in love with Noah, and still didn’t know where they were headed. ‘It’s great catching up with him again.’
Liz snorted. ‘I might not be the brightest lightbulb in the room but I ain’t blind.’
She laughed. What else could she do? If she said anything Liz would put her own interpretation on it and probably be closer to the truth than Stacey wanted anyone to get.
* * *
They managed two shared breakfasts over the week, her parents enthusiastically pushing her out the door with promises of getting Holly up and fed before taking her to the nursery or settling down for the day at home with Granddad. Stacey skipped onto the train and off at the other end, racing to the hospital cafeteria for toast and coffee, and time with Noah, deliberately forgetting the issues between them. It was great just to have time alone with him. And in the evenings, after dinner was over, the dishes were stacked in the dishwasher, and she’d read the requisite stories to Holly, she’d phone Noah. ‘How was your day, apart from a perforated lung and an appendectomy?’
‘You missed out the three hernias.’
‘They didn’t come to our ward. Holly said goodnight to Daddy tonight.’
‘She did? Cool.’ Noah sighed. For the first time in days he sounded irritated.
‘Something wrong?’ she asked, apprehension tightening her throat.
‘What do you want? How do you see this working out? Why haven’t you said anything about this, Anastasia?’
Anastasia, but not the having-fun one. Pounding set up behind her ribs. This discussion had been lurking in the background even during the fun moments, no matter how hard she’d tried to deny it. ‘I’ve been giving you time to come to terms with being a dad.’
‘Right. I’m there. Tell me what you want.’
‘It’s hard. I’ve been Holly’s mother all her short life, been there for her all the time other than when I’ve gone to work. I can’t imagine any other way to raise my child.’ She certainly didn’t want to divide the time with her father.
‘She has two parents now.’
‘I know what that entails. I really do.’ She could hardly say she wanted to be with him as his partner or wife. He’d gag on that.
There was a silence that seemed to get heavier by the second. Then, ‘We’ll talk over the weekend.’
‘Okay.’ She could let it go for now and enjoy the relief of not coming to a final decision just yet. More time to enjoy as a solo parent.
* * *
Noah found a bottle of headache pills and swallowed two. His head had been pounding all morning. The week had been long and tedious. All he’d wanted was to spend time with Anastasia; to make love, to talk and laugh and share everything. Okay, he’d fallen for her fast. Too fast? Or had this been three years in the making and now he’d caught up with her he wanted to make up for lost time? That was more likely the answer, and the deeper in love he became, the more the warning bells tolled. What if he was wrong? Well, today he was about to find out, as Anastasia and Holly would be here soon.
Anastasia had been completely honest with him about Holly. She seemed to enjoy his company, giving him a sense that she had feelings for him beyond a friend who had a child with her. She didn’t appear to be out for all she could get. She hadn’t gone all simpering or gushing when he’d shown her around the house, hadn’t made overtures about how Holly would be happy here and how she’d have to accompany her daughter if she was to spend time with him.
Yet the past kept waving at him, reminding him how easily he’d been duped before. But Anastasia didn’t know coldness of the heart. It wasn’t in her. What if they married? Would she make demands on him as his ex had? Would she always be wanting more and more, never satisfied with what she had? Given how she was happy with the little she did have, he couldn’t see her changing radically. On the other hand, suddenly finding herself well off might be a catalyst to going overboard and needing to spend large and become fixated with the whole lifestyle he was desperate to avoid.
Ding-dong. The doorbell rang out.
His heart lifted. Anastasia and his daughter were here. Their daughter. He had to let go of the past if he wanted to find true happiness, something he suspected was on his doorstep right now if only he found the courage to follow his heart. He would be the one to lose out if he got this wrong. And the last thing he wanted to lose was Anastasia. She was his other half, if only she recognised that. She had to. He finally had. Deep breath. Yes, damn it. He did. He loved Stacey and Holly.
Pulling the door wide, he gazed at the two females who had his head in a spin. It wasn’t hard to smile wide and deep. ‘Hey, come in. I’m glad you’re here.’ He really was. All the doubts had taken a back seat the moment his gaze came to rest on Anastasia. Leaning in, he kissed her briefly.
Her return kiss was quieter than he’d become used to, and he’d have thought she’d changed her mind about being with him if he hadn’t seen the flicker of need in her eyes. Closing the door, he led them down to the kitchen and the alcove on the side where he’d set out an array of toys he’d bought during the week.
Holly made a beeline for them and plopped down on her backside, reaching for the doll dressed in pink.
‘That’s a hit.’ Anastasia smiled, the visible tightness in her shoulders loosening as she sat on a stool at the counter.
‘Coffee?’
‘You’re a lifesaver. There wasn’t any at home. Someone stuffed up the shopping yesterday.’
‘Whose job is it usually?’ From what he’d seen, the Wainwrights seemed to share all the chores around the house.
‘Anyone who has an hour to spare. Which wasn’t me, what with taking Holly to see the paediatrician after I finished my shift.’
‘She got a good report.’ Anastasia had filled him in last night. ‘Hard to keep her down, isn’t it?’
‘Sure is. I hope you haven’t got anything precious lying around at her level.’ She scoped the room.
‘I spent time putting things out of reach this morning.’
When Holly became bored with the toys, they took her into the sitting room with the piano and she created noise that only doting parents could cope with. After lunch they strolled along the streets and when Holly grizzled Noah piggy-backed her the rest of the way.
‘She needs to have a sleep,’ Anastasia said as they returned to the house.
‘I’ve set up the room next to my office as a bedroom for now.’ Breath held, he waited to see what her reaction would be.
‘Lovely, thank you.’
She lifted Holly down from his back. ‘Hey, darling, how was that?’
‘Good. Daddy horse.’
He laughed. ‘I’ve got my uses. I’ll fetch your bag. I presume you need it to change Holly.’
‘Thanks.’ Anastasia was totally focused on her girl.
He felt almost redundant but then she was used to doing all this herself. Even when her parents were at home she did most of it, she’d told him. I am her mum.
It would be different if they were together, living under the same roof, sharing the responsibilities. He’d definitely do his
share of whatever was required. Damn it, he wanted to be doing it now.
‘Here.’ He walked into Holly’s room and handed Anastasia the bag, the questions churning in his head. He knew what he wanted, he didn’t know if he could ask for it. ‘How long will Holly sleep?’
‘About two hours, if I’m lucky.’
We, not I. Noah kept that to himself. No point in aggravating her. There were more important things to say once they were out in the warm conservatory.
Within minutes Holly had fallen asleep and Anastasia led him out and closed the door quietly, leaving behind a monitor so she’d know if Holly cried.
‘Would you like a glass of wine?’ he asked.
‘That’d be nice.’ She still wasn’t as relaxed with him as she’d been other times. Because Holly was here? Or something else?
When they were sitting, glasses in hand, he asked, ‘What made you want to be a nurse?’
As they chatted about everyday subjects the tension left Anastasia and she became animated in the way he adored. Listening to her talking about her need to be the best in her nursing class, why she loved dancing so much, how her dad had taught her to be strong through his own traumas, reinforced why he loved her.
And then she asked, ‘Are you settling back into London life?’
There’d been too many shocks for that. First the extent of Robert’s debts and what Noah was expected to do about them, then learning he was a father. And especially his feelings for Anastasia. They had blown him out of the water. ‘I’ve had too many other things on my mind to think about it.’
‘I guess you have a lot on your plate.’ Her hands were tightening.
‘I’ve finalised everything with Robert and got him out of the jam he was in.’ May as well let her know a little of his family’s problems. ‘He got into debt and needed me to save his butt. It’s what our family does. Up to a point anyway. I’ve now locked things up legally so he can’t go off the edge again.’
‘Fair enough.’
‘That was the main reason I came home, and once here I saw that if I didn’t stay to keep an eye on things, Robert would only make other mistakes.’
‘Then you bought into a private practice and took up the job at London Riverside.’ There was a sharpness creeping into her voice.
What was that about? ‘I am a surgeon. I’m not going to sit around not using my skills. What’s this about, Stacey? You seem upset.’
She locked her eyes on him. ‘I understand you’re busy, and life as you saw it has changed drastically with the advent of Holly. How do you see her and I fitting in with you?’
He sat up straighter, his chin lifting. ‘Actually, that’s one problem I have put some thought into.’
‘Problem? I see.’ Anger flashed across her face, gone as quickly as it rose. ‘I understand this has been a shock, but if we’re being designated to the problem basket then please don’t give it another thought. We’ll be on our way home and out of your way for good.’
Damn. He’d gone and blown it. He needed to approach this slowly, carefully. ‘Anastasia.’ She winced. ‘Stacey, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re not a problem. It’s just that there are no simple answers. I’m getting comfortable with being a father and want to have a bigger part in Holly’s life.’
She continued to watch him without saying a word. Waiting for what?
‘And I want to be a part of your life. I would like to share raising Holly as a family, not take turns. I’ve longed for a family to love and cherish, and I could have that with you and Holly.’ Deep breath. ‘Would you marry me?’ So much for slow and careful. But why procrastinate? He knew what he wanted. He’d admitted to himself he loved Anastasia, so there was no reason to hold back.
‘Why should I do that?’ Her words were sharp, like small pebbles slapping into mud.
‘We connect whenever we’re together.’ Except right now. ‘We could raise Holly together, living here so we both can be a part of her life every day.’
So I can see you, love you, share everything I’ve got with you.
‘You could become a full-time mum if you want to.’ Her expression was wary. He still wasn’t getting through. ‘You can have anything you want to make life easier. Think about it. Being married could work for all of us.’
‘I see.’
‘Do you?’ She wasn’t reacting how he’d hoped.
‘We’d live here?’
‘Of course.’ He waited, his fingers tapping the counter. Then when he couldn’t bear the silence any longer, ‘You’re not saying much.’ Not what he’d expected from someone who was usually talkative and cheerful.
She stood up abruptly. ‘I think you’re testing me to see what I really want from you. You’re wondering if I’m going to be like your ex. Well, news flash. I’m not. By the way, you left out any mention of a pre-nup, which I’m sure is part of the deal.’
What could he say? Behind his need to have Anastasia in his life lay the nagging worry he’d screwed up by not believing in her. He wanted to believe he’d laid that to rest, but here it was again, swinging in front of him.
‘As far as proposals go, yours needs a lot of practice. I’m not marrying you just to share Holly. If I’m ever to marry, it will be for one reason only. Love.’ She faltered and looked away.
‘Anastasia—’
‘My name is Stacey,’ she hissed. ‘Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll take Holly home. It’s been a long day for her.
‘And for me,’ he thought she muttered as she pushed past him.
Noah watched as she stormed out of the room. He’d turned the day cold in the last few minutes. He’d got it all wrong. His heart ached for the missed chance of happiness. Instead of telling her his feelings, he’d gone about his offer like a business proposal and not a loving marriage one, not a declaration of love. Stacey would not give him an opportunity to redeem himself. Now that he’d blown it, he understood how much he wanted her in his life, at his side, as his wife. Because he did love her so much it was impossible to breathe properly any more.
* * *
‘Here, have this seat.’ A man stood up as Stacey entered the train carriage holding on to Holly and the stroller, with her heavy bag slung over her shoulder.
‘Thank you so much.’ She couldn’t find the strength to argue, neither did she have enough energy to stand for the ride home. She didn’t think she’d ever feel strong again after Noah had decimated her hopes so quickly and sharply. Sure, she could have said yes and married him. For what? There was no mention of love, and that’s all she ever wanted from a relationship and marriage.
Love came with understanding, caring, sharing, support. Not a cool hope that they could live under the same roof while seeing their daughter had the life she deserved. Because there was no chance of that when Noah didn’t love her. Holly was different. He genuinely loved her already. Like it had been for her when Holly was born, he’d fallen for his daughter quickly. But that wasn’t a reason for her to accept his proposal.
Stacey hugged Holly. The last thing she was interested in was his money. It hurt that he might have thought so for one minute. She loved him beyond reason. Living with him, sharing a bed with him as his wife, would be unbearable since he obviously didn’t have the same feelings for her. At least she knew where she stood. On the outside. Alone with her love.
She gave a cynical huff. When it came to men she never got it right. She’d loved Angus and look where that had got her. Now she loved another man who only wanted her to stay around for all the wrong reasons. Angus had been right about one thing: their love did lack the passion he’d found with his new partner, and which she’d discovered with Noah. Noah was wrong to think they could be together long term with only passion and not love to live by.
Holding Holly tight, she watched the passing roads and buildings without seeing them. Now what? She worked with Noah, had to face him every d
ay. Had to figure out how to share their daughter without becoming angry or hurt every time she handed Holly over.
Her stop came far too quickly. She wasn’t ready to go home. One look and her parents would know what had happened. With Holly in the stroller she headed out of the station and down the road in the opposite direction of home.
‘Damn you, Noah Kennedy. Why couldn’t you be an ordinary guy who didn’t make me feel vulnerable? Didn’t steal my heart? Why did you have to return to London, and the hospital where I work? What was wrong with any of the other hospitals in the city? Or even staying in Auckland?’
She bumped into a woman and received a glare.
‘Sorry,’ Stacey muttered, aware she hadn’t been looking where she was going. She was outside a café buzzing with people. An open fire tempted her in out of the chilly air, and she found an empty table at the back of the café. After ordering herself coffee and a biscuit for Holly, she sat down and stared at her clasped hands. This was her fault for thinking Noah might return her feelings. Once again she’d been naïve. They’d had great sex one night three years ago, and had then repeated it since finding each other again. Not a lot to go falling in love on. But people did fall quickly. She’d read about it often. Seen it with her close friends.
Noah’s life was the polar opposite of hers. He was wealthy, she barely made ends meet. They both cared about people and looked after them. She had a close family, he didn’t. His aunt and uncle were cold, and from what he’d told her nothing like his parents had been. Obviously he still missed them a lot. His wife had hurt him, hadn’t delivered on what he’d required from a marriage.
She could. She would. But she wasn’t marrying him if he didn’t love her.
Deep in her bag the phone rang. Not wanting to talk to anyone, Stacey ignored it.
But she couldn’t keep Holly out for ever. Finally she trudged home, pushing the stroller and wishing she hadn’t got out of bed that morning.
