Perfectly Adequate

by Jewel Ann

  But maybe that’s it. I mean … I’ve seen it before. I’ve seen those rare instances where couples divorce. Share custody. And actually remain friends. Friends with each other. Friends with each other’s new love interests. Maybe it doesn’t have to be an awkward situation. Maybe it can be an opportunity.

  After all, Julie left me. There should be no jealousy on her part. And Dorothy idolizes Julie, so they stand a good chance of becoming friends.

  Me: That would be awesome. I’ll pay you back.

  Dorothy: Not concerned about the money. I’ll text you the menu so you guys can decide what you want. I can be there by 11:30. (high-five emoji)

  Me: Sounds perfect. Can’t wait to see you! (high-five emoji, heart emoji)

  I start to type “I love you,” but delete it. She knows. I told her with no uncertainty exactly how I feel. No need to suffocate her with the words. But damn! I sure do feel them.

  Dorothy: Love you! Goodnight! (Face blowing a kiss emoji, sleeping emoji)

  “What’s that grin all about?”

  I glance up as Julie takes the last two steps. A curious grin on her face.

  Our newfound friendship doesn’t seem ready for me to tell her I can’t stop grinning because Dorothy Mayhem loves me. And she said it with emojis too. Yeah, I’m over the fucking moon, ready to bust out of my cast and do a happy dance.

  Okay, maybe not quite yet. My body needs a little more time to catch up to my emotional enthusiasm.

  “Just reading a message.” I toss my phone on the sofa beside me.

  “From your mom?” Julie sits at the opposite end of the sofa, hugging her knees to her chest.

  It’s hard to not stare at her. I’m still not used to her new look, and she’s had it for months.

  “No. It was Dorothy. Her shift just ended. She’s stopping by tomorrow between classes, bringing all of us lunch.”

  Oh … and she loves me.

  Julie rolls her lips together and nods. “That’s … sweet.”

  I ignore the way she makes it sound like Dorothy is a neighbor girl bringing by a May Day basket for Roman.

  “As grateful as I am for what you’re doing, I can’t help but wonder if it won’t put a kink in your personal life. I hope you know that my family can help. Definitely on the weekends. If you want to make plans or even stay at your place on the weekends, I’ll be fine. You know my family would take care of me and Roman.”

  “Wow! I haven’t been here a full day and you’re dismissing me?” Julie’s eyes widen.

  “No.” I chuckle. “I’m just thinking ahead is all. I feel like we all agreed to this arrangement without giving it thorough consideration.”

  “Well…” her lips twist as she averts her gaze to the coffee table “…my personal life isn’t as exciting at the moment as what you probably imagine.”

  “I try not to imagine your personal life.”

  She ignores my jab.

  “I was seeing someone. I didn’t tell anyone. Never introduced Roman to him.” She glances at me with a flat smile as if to make me feel guilty for Dorothy’s and Roman’s relationship.

  Fuck you. Dorothy’s amazing. It’s your own fault you’re not finding people who adore our son like Dorothy does.

  “He went back to his family.”

  “Is that code for you had an affair with a married man?”

  She jerks her head back and shoots me a scowl. “No!”

  Really, how was I to know? In all fairness to me, Julie’s favorite line is “You just don’t know me anymore.”

  “They were divorced.”

  “And now they’re back together?”

  She nods, resting her chin on her knees. “And for the record … as I’ve said before, even if you didn’t believe me … I never cheated on you. I didn’t leave you because I was having an affair. There was no one else. I didn’t leave you for another man, I left you for me.”

  I nod. “I forgive you.”

  “For leaving you?”

  “No.” I narrow my eyes. “I don’t think leaving me requires an apology. I mean … we apologize for things we regret, right? I’ve never felt that you regret leaving me. But I have always felt your regret for hurting me. And for that, I forgive you.”

  As I shift my gaze to meet her teary eyes, she quickly wipes them. “You don’t know how much I’ve needed to hear you say that.”

  “Well, I’m sorry I couldn’t say it sooner.”

  She leans back and runs her hands through her hair. “I was struggling in ways you didn’t know.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She shakes her head. “Nothing. It’s not the time to discuss it.”

  “Look at me. I’m a pretty captive audience at the moment, completely dependent on outside help to even make it to the toilet … which by the way, I’ll need to get to one soon.”

  “Oh!” She jumps up. “Sorry. Jeez, of course. You drank tons of water with dinner and your pills, of course your eyeballs have to be floating.”

  “It’s fine. I think I’m good if you just hand me the crutches.”

  “You still need help because of your ribs.”

  I’m a mess and still really fucking weak, so I don’t protest.

  She walks right beside me as I hobble to the main floor bathroom.

  “Do you need help getting your pants down?”

  I give her a quick glance. Is she blushing?

  “I’m starting to think I should have hired someone … a professional.”

  “I’m a doctor, in case you didn’t get the memo. That makes me a professional. And I’ve seen it all.”

  “That’s why you turned your back on me when I undressed to put on a gown after the coffee incident.”

  “You didn’t need my help undressing, so it wasn’t helping, which meant I just would have been watching you undress. You know the difference.”

  I have to pee. Badly …

  “Just look away.” I pull down the front of my sweatpants while she helps me balance, turning her head in the opposite direction.

  I grab her shoulders, feeling a bit fatigued just from the trip to the bathroom. A slight bit of nausea sweeps over me too, from the pressure on my surgical wounds.

  I pee for what feels like ten minutes. “I’m not doing so well.”

  “Oh!” She jerks my pants up.

  Jesus … I didn’t ask her to do that. What was the point of looking away?

  “Let’s get you back to the sofa. Can you make it? Do I need to help you ease to the floor?”

  “Sofa. Go …” I tilt my chin up and focus on my breathing.

  Julie grips my waist, and we let one crutch drop to the floor as she helps me hobble back to the sofa.

  As soon as my butt connects with the cushion, I lean my head back, sweat beading along my brow.

  “Good?”

  I whisper a quick, “Yeah.”

  She returns from the kitchen a few minutes later with a cold washcloth for my forehead and an electrolyte drink.

  “The more I drink, the more I’ll have to pee.” I take a sip.

  “I’m going to grab a catheter kit tomorrow. I think that will be easier.”

  She’s joking … at least I think it’s a joke.

  “So … I think you’re sleeping downstairs tonight.”

  I grin on a tiny laugh. “Yeah, we’re not tackling the stairs quite yet.”

  Julie sits on the opposite side of the sofa again. Our grins fade after a few seconds, leaving us with nothing to say in a silent room.

  “I was scared, Eli.”

  My gaze finds her. But she stares at her hands in her lap.

  “I let you go, yet I was so damn scared of losing you when they took you into surgery. All of my reasons for leaving you felt ridiculous and petty. This boulder of regret landed on me, and I could barely breathe. I thought … this is it. This is God’s way of testing me. You know? Like really testing me to see if I truly believed I could live without you. If I really want to live without you.”

&nb
sp; No. I can’t let her think like this. Nope. It’s too late to have these thoughts. So I smile on a sigh. “Well, good thing I’m okay. You worrying and overthinking things … thinking God was speaking to you … well, it wasn’t that at all. Just good old fear. A very normal reaction to traumatic situations.”

  Julie glances up at me for a few seconds. I don’t want her looking at me like she’s still overthinking things.

  “Can you get me my toothbrush and toothpaste? A bowl and some water? I think I’m done making trips to the bathroom until I absolutely have to pee.”

  She takes a few more seconds before nodding. “Yes. I’ll get you fixed up.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Firsts

  Dorothy

  Eli messages me their orders. I pick up sandwiches and cookies from my favorite cafe and drive to Eli’s house.

  “Dorfee! Roman hugs my legs as soon as Dr. Hathaway opens the door.

  “Hey, little Romeo!”

  “Careful, wild man. She has her hands full. Hi, Dorothy.” Dr. Hathaway smiles. A real one, I feel pretty sure of it. I’ve seen her smile in professional situations, her confidence shines. That’s the smile she gives me.

  “Hi.”

  “It’s very kind of you to bring all of us lunch. What do I owe you?”

  I follow her inside, slipping off my tennis shoes. “Nothing. Really. It’s fine. I can afford it.”

  She questions me with a look that I ignore as I set the sacks on the counter and slip off my jacket. “What can I get you to drink, Dorothy?”

  “Water is great, thank you.”

  She pulls all of the food out of the sacks and sets each wrapped sandwich on a plate. “Yours must be the egg salad.”

  “Yes.”

  “If you want to set the plates on the table, I’ll go help Eli get to his chair.”

  “Oh … yeah. Or I can help him. I’m a lot stronger than I look,” I say.

  “Just grab the plates.”

  Okay then …

  I move the plates to the table, where she has a bowl of cut up vegetables and a bowl of grapes. I consider my feelings about eating food prepared by Boss Bitch. Since I’m on the fence, I decide to stick to my sandwich and cookie.

  “Hey …”

  I turn toward Eli’s voice as Dr. Hathaway helps him to the kitchen table.

  “Hey! How are you feeling?” I ask.

  “Good.”

  “Weak,” Dr. Hathaway corrects him with side-eye.

  “Good and weak.” He eases onto the chair, and she props up his cast on a stool.

  “You don’t have to eat at the table,” I say, taking a seat next to him.

  “I do. Otherwise, Roman would think all meals for eternity can be eaten in the living room. Julie sneaked me breakfast on the sofa before Roman woke up.”

  “Roman, come eat!” Dr. Hathaway calls.

  He runs into the kitchen.

  “Bib, wild man.” Dr. Hathaway puts on his bib. “Where are you going?”

  He runs to the other side of the kitchen and pulls out another bib. “Dorfee, here’s your bib.”

  “Buddy, no …” Dr. Hathaway and Eli disapprove in unison.

  “Fantastic. I was wondering where you put my bib.” I take the bib and tie it around my neck.

  Eli and Dr. Hathaway look at each other and then at me. I return a satisfied shrug and unwrap my sandwich.

  “Mmm … this is a really good sandwich.” Dr. Hathaway rolls her eyes like eating gives her an orgasm. “Reminds me of the sandwiches we had at the little hole-in-the-wall place just down from our hotel when we went to London right before I got pregnant. Remember?”

  “Oh yeah.” Eli nods. “Best sandwich ever. This comes close though. Good find, Dorothy.” He winks at me.

  “You ever been to London, Dorothy?” Dr. Hathaway asks.

  “No. I’m pretty much a homebody.”

  “Oh, that’s too bad. There’s so much to see in the world.” She wipes her mouth and takes a sip of water.

  I finish chewing my food … thinking of an appropriate response.

  “When I get better, we should go somewhere. What do you think?” Eli asks.

  “Me too! I go somewhere wif Dorfee.”

  Dr. Hathaway clears her throat. “You’d stay with me, wild man. We’ll go someplace together. Maybe back to Disney World.”

  “If it’s my week with him, he could come with us,” Eli informs Dr. Hathaway.

  “I suppose. But I don’t want you taking him to London. I want to be with him the first time he sees London.”

  “Well, what if I want to be with him the first time he sees London?” Eli gives his rebuttal.

  Me? Oh, I just keep eating. In fact, I can’t eat fast enough.

  “I don’t think you honestly care. I just think you’re acting like you do because you know how much it means to me.” Dr. Hathaway wipes her mouth.

  “Yes, you and your need to experience all of his ‘firsts.’ Did you ever think I wanted to be with him for his first visit to Texas? Doesn’t seem fair given the fact that you made the decision to have him half the time. That means you should be fine with half, the way you make me have to be fine with half. And maybe his first time in London won’t be part of your half.”

  “Eli—” Dr. Hathaway narrows her eyes.

  “Maybe …” I interrupt before fully swallowing. “You could take him to London together.”

  I focus on the now. How to get out of an uncomfortable situation now. Not later when the three of them are on their way to London and I’m at home, being Dorothy homebody and feeling like I had a hand in putting their family back together.

  Nope. I favor the now.

  Just stop arguing in front of Roman now.

  “Oh my gosh … we should, Eli. We should take him together!” Dr. Hathaway beams.

  Eli … not so much. A piece of lettuce hangs out of his mouth, mid chew.

  Someone should high-five emoji me. Problem solved.

  Eli finishes chewing his bite and shifts his attention to me. “You think I should go with Roman and Julie to London? Just the three of us?”

  “Sure.” I move my gaze to the cookie on my plate. It’s half gone already. “You both seem to like it. And I hear they have great sandwiches there.” I glance up.

  Seriously?!

  No one laughs. I perfectly timed that joke. How could they miss it?

  Eli grunts and returns to eating his sandwich.

  “You really wouldn’t mind?” Dr. Hathaway asks me, with big eyes and a tiny grin.

  “Why would I mind?”

  “No reason.” She shakes her head.

  Roman steals the conversation with why he wants to be a honey badger, and that gobbles up the rest of lunchtime.

  “Why don’t you take Roman outside to play for a bit?” Eli asks Dr. Hathaway.

  She looks at Eli and then at me as she finishes wiping Roman’s face and hands. “Yeah. Sure.”

  “I can take him out to play for a bit. I have about thirty minutes before I have to head back.”

  “No.” Eli pushes his plate away from the edge of the table. “Julie will do it.” If his face were an emoji at the moment, it wouldn’t be a favorite of mine. I prefer happier emojis.

  Dr. Hathaway and Roman go outside while I sit at the kitchen table under Eli’s bad emoji gaze.

  “I don’t want to go to London with Julie and Roman. I want to go with you and Roman.”

  “Okay. But I don’t care as much about seeing London as Julie—Dr. Hathaway—does. And she’s Roman’s mom, so it makes sense that she should see London with him instead of me.”

  “Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I want you to care. I want you to care enough to not go on dates with Dr. Warren. I want you to care that my ex-wife has moved in with me for the next couple of months. I want you to care that I’m officially dependent on her for my basic needs. I want you to care that she pulls down my pants to get my cock out so I can take a piss!”

  I curl my hair
behind my ears. “I didn’t know she did that for you.”

  “Well…” he coughed a laugh “…now you do. So do you care?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well you have a terrible way of showing it.”

  “Different,” I whisper.

  “What?” he asks in a clipped tone.

  “Nothing,” I murmur while looking at my watch. “I uh … should go.”

  “Five minutes ago you said you had thirty minutes, but now you need to go?”

  “I don’t know why you’re so angry. I’m sorry. What did I do?”

  “Tell me what you said.”

  “About what?”

  “I said you have a terrible way of showing that you care. And you said something after that. What did you say?”

  “I said different. I have a different way of showing that I care. Not a terrible way. Just because I don’t act like you or every other neurotypical person out there, doesn’t mean that my actions are wrong or terrible. It just means they are different. Can I go now?”

  “Dorothy … I need to know where your head is on this. Where your heart is on this. Because I get this feeling that Julie is having regrets about us. Regrets about leaving me. And while at first I thought it was just shock from the accident, I’m not so sure anymore.”

  “Regrets? As in she wishes she wouldn’t have divorced you?”

  Eli shrugs. A few seconds later he nods.

  “Okay.”

  “Okay? Really, that’s your response?”

  “Eli … I …” I close my eyes, but it doesn’t stop the pain in my head. “I’m going to play the Aspie card here. I didn’t know what that meant five years ago, but I get it now. It’s when I feel like everyone is waiting for me to get or see something that’s so obvious, but I don’t see it. And it’s not because I’m not smart. I know I’m a smart person. I have the grades to prove it. It’s that I’ve missed a cue or failed to make an important connection, and everything after that point is … well, pointless. So if you’re ‘beating around the bush,’ then you need to stop. You need to be very specific and very direct.”

  He studies me under his scrutinizing gaze for several seconds. “Fine. Literally until the moment I stepped onto that elevator with you, I’ve wanted my life back. I’ve wanted Julie to wake up and realize what a terrible mistake she made. And maybe that makes me pathetic, but I don’t care. I don’t regret loving someone so deeply. I don’t regret having a child with her. And I don’t regret thinking that fifteen years of marriage and a child is worth fighting for until you know without a doubt that there’s absolutely no hope.”