Perfectly Adequate

by Jewel Ann

  “But who were you with when we went on our date?”

  “Not saying.”

  Please shut up before I blurt it out because I can’t keep secrets!

  I pull open the door to the fifth floor. Warren stays on my ass, and I know he doesn’t need anything on the fifth floor.

  “But clearly you’re no longer together. Right?”

  “Yes. No. Ugh … he was in an accident, so things are complicated.”

  “An accident?”

  “Go away, Warren.” I double my speed down the hallway, but his legs are so much longer, it’s useless.

  “The only person I know who has been in an accident is Dr. Hawkins. But that’s ridiculous so—”

  “Why would that be ridiculous?” I whip around, glaring up at Warren as he holds his coffee out to the side instead of ramming it into my chest.

  The cocky grin falls right off his genetically gifted face as his eyes widen, jaw unhinged. “No way. There’s no way you and Hawkins were …” He shakes his head.

  “Well …” I clear my throat and take a step backward, diverting my gaze to the nurse passing us on my left. “I didn’t say it was him. I just asked why it would be so ridiculous.”

  Warren cocks his head to the side. My skin turns red as he studies me. I refuse to look at him, but I know he’s visually interrogating me.

  “Holy … shit … it’s true. You and Hawkins.”

  “Nope.” I shake my head. “At least … not anymore.” And that is my biggest fault. I absolutely cannot lie to save my life, or Eli’s life, or a small village of starving children halfway around the world. And while I hate lies because I can never see past them, I envy those who can do it so well.

  I turn and keep walking. Warren doesn’t follow me. I think he can’t move his legs after my unintended confession leaves him paralyzed with disbelief. Knowing he knows will drive me insane, so I have to confess to Eli that I let it slip.

  Me: Dr. Warren knows we had sex. I told him we are not having sex now. Hope you’re not mad.

  It takes him less than ten seconds to respond, probably because he has nothing better to do than sit on his butt all day.

  Dr. Hawkins: Hi. Do I know you? I feel like you’re someone I used to know and call and TEXT a lot with no reply. Hmm … let me think.

  I roll my eyes just as he sends a second text.

  Dr. Hawkins: Actually, I’m livid that we’re not having sex now. Why is that?

  Squinting my eyes, I dissect his response to sort fact from fiction. He’s joking. Right?

  Me: You’re in a cast. You had surgery for internal bleeding. You’re back with Dr. Hathaway.

  Dr. Hawkins: I fucking miss you so much I can’t breathe.

  I frown.

  Me: Okay. I have to work. Take care.

  * * *

  Elijah

  “Why the long face?” Julie asks, glancing up from her spot on the floor next to Roman.

  They’re putting an elephant puzzle together on the coffee table next to the sofa. It’s been a lazy Sunday afternoon of books and puzzles with football, hot chocolate, and cookies. Julie looks comfortable and completely at home. Her easy smile gives me a glimpse of what our life might have been had we not divorced.

  “Sorry.” I recover with an easy smile that mirrors hers. “I didn’t mean to have a long face. I’m just a little tired.”

  “Then take a nap.”

  I shake my head. “Tired of living on the sofa. It’s not fun. I miss running and working. I miss driving and chasing Roman.”

  “I’m sure, babe. But tomorrow is your day.”

  Babe.

  Yes. Tomorrow I get my cast off. No more crutches. And then what?

  “Look, Daddy!” Roman jumps up and down after fitting the last piece into the puzzle.

  “That’s amazing, buddy. Good job.”

  He jumps up on the sofa. Julie no longer stops him. She knows I’ve healed enough to handle his full body excitement. As Julie climbs up next to us, I give Roman a big kiss.

  “Mommy help too! Give Mommy a kiss too!”

  My smile fades a bit, but Julie’s expression beams with hope. Why? Where was this hope when I wanted it? When I felt like I needed it more than anything?

  “Kiss Mommy!” Roman slaps my cheeks, pushing them into fish lips.

  “How about I give Mommy a high five.”

  I hold up my hand.

  Julie laughs.

  “No. Kiss her!”

  “Okay, buddy. One kiss.” Julie pulls him away from me.

  What? No. Fuck no. Not one kiss.

  She leans, grinning. “For Roman,” she whispers before pressing her mouth to mine.

  I don’t move, and she doesn’t really move her mouth much either, but she also doesn’t pull away. It’s more than a peck. It’s as if she’s waiting to see if I take the bait.

  My head jerks to the side as Roman claps. “Yay! Kisses for Mommy!” He jumps off the sofa.

  Julie looks at me, keeping her face right next to mine. “Eli …” she whispers.

  “Put him down for a nap.”

  “Eli—”

  “Jesus, Jules … Just do it.”

  She nods slowly, rejection ghosting across her face.

  As soon as they reach the top of the stairs, I grab my crutches, tie my right shoe onto one of them, and make my way outside, ordering a cab to pick me up down the street. If it doesn’t show up by the time Roman goes to sleep, I don’t want Julie seeing me waiting in the driveway.

  Forty minutes later, I’m dropped off at the hospital, my hospital.

  “Dr. Hawkins! Good to see you!” one of the ER nurses greets me.

  “Thanks,” I mumble, making my way to the elevator. When the doors close, I message Dr. Andrews, the pediatric oncologist.

  Me: You working?

  Dr. Andrews: Hey! Leaving soon. You coming back to work soon?

  Me: I’m on my way up. I need a favor.

  Dr. Andrews went to school with Dr. Warren. He’s single and works a ton of hours. And he’ll do what I tell him, so I don’t have to deal with colleagues of equal rank refusing to do me this little favor.

  “Dang … still in the cast, huh?” Dr. Andrews greets me at the elevator.

  I work my crutches toward the nearest vacant room. “Yeah, but not for long. I’m scheduled to have it removed tomorrow.”

  “That’s great. So what’s the favor?”

  I ease onto the table. “I want you to remove it now.”

  He laughs. “But you just said it’s coming off tomorrow. I’m not your doctor, and what’s one more day?”

  “One more day is my sanity. So either you can remove it, or I will remove it, but it’s coming off now.”

  With little resistance, he grabs his tools and removes my cast. “You might still need crutches.” I untie my right shoe from the crutch, slip it on, and loosely tie it. “Yup. Thanks. Bye.” I hobble toward the elevator and take it down to my office.

  Me: Come to my office.

  Dorothy responds quickly.

  Can’t. Busy.

  Me: It’s not a request. It’s an order.

  Dorothy: You’re not my boss.

  Me: Actually, I do have authority over you. So get your ass to my office!

  She returns the middle finger emoji.

  So … I wait. And while I wait, Julie messages me.

  Just tell me you’re okay.

  I feel bad. In spite of everything she did to me, I still feel bad. Julie is bipolar. She’s trying to put her life back together. And the fact that she wants me in it … well, the timing is just terrible.

  Me: I’m okay.

  And that’s it. That’s all she says to me. Once again, she’s making it hard to find myself in this life. She’s making it hard to hate her and easy to come back to our life. I’m just not sure if that’s still my life.

  Knock. Knock.

  “Come in.”

  Dorothy opens the door. Pink scrubs, gray undershirt, gray Nikes, her hair pul
led into a ponytail, and a scowl on her face. “You need to promise me right now that I won’t get fired for being in your office instead of where I’m supposed to be.”

  “I promise.” Well, I’m ninety-nine percent sure she won’t get fired. I’ve been here long enough to have some pull.

  Dorothy closes the door behind her and takes a seat, looking out the only window in my office, the one that has a great view of downtown Portland.

  I lift both of my legs onto the desk so she can see that my cast is off. She makes a quick glance in the direction of my legs, then her gaze meets mine.

  “You’re better. Good to know. I choose Roman. Go back to your wife. Are we good? Am I dismissed now?”

  “No. We’re not good.”

  She blows out a long breath. “If my grandfather would have chosen his mistress over my grandmother, my mother wouldn’t have been conceived. I wouldn’t exist. My father wouldn’t have found the woman he loves so much. I’m not a believer in fate, but I believe some things just make sense. You and Dr. Hathaway make sense. Giving Roman a home with both of his parents makes sense. We don’t make sense.”

  “First…” I ease out of my chair, limping a bit to make it around the desk so I’m leaning back against it while standing in front of her “…we make sense. It’s nothing that can be put into words. I just know we make sense because I feel it. Second, you’re not my mistress. Julie divorced me. And you never would have been my mistress. I’m not that man.”

  “But she wants you back.”

  “And for a year after the papers were signed, she could have had me back. But then you walked into my life and changed that.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Dammit, Dorothy!” I slam my hands beside me on the desk, and she startles. “You get to decide if you love me, if you want to be with me. But it’s not okay for you to make decisions for me and my life. But…” I lean forward, resting my hands on the arms of her chair “…if you love me, then be with me.”

  Her forehead wrinkles as she clenches her teeth, emotion filling her eyes with unshed tears. I don’t want to hurt her. I want to love her. I can’t find my breath when I imagine her with anyone but me. It has to be me. She has to let me love her.

  Drawing in a shaky breath, she brushes away a tear before it meets her cheek. “You’re going to remember me as the person who gave you back your life. That’s how I want you to remember me. Years from now you’re going to have a perfect life. A wife. Roman. Maybe even a little brother or sister for him. A dog. Possibly an emu of your own. Or an alpaca. And you’ll smile thinking about this moment when patient transporter, Dorothy Mayhem, insisted you not give up what is most likely your last chance at taking back your life … the perfect life. Can you do that? Can you remember me like that?”

  “Don’t give up on me. Please …” I rest my forehead against hers and close my eyes.

  Dorothy rests her hands on my cheeks. “I’m not. I’m your greatest warrior. I’m your Wonder Woman. I’m fighting for you when you’re too stupid and blind to see what’s right in front of you.”

  “No.” I roll my forehead against hers. “You don’t get it. You’re the one who is too stupid to see it. You’re the one who will remember us, and you’ll see how you made the choice. Not me.” I grab her face the same way she’s holding mine. “Look at me.”

  Dorothy forces her watery eyes to meet my gaze.

  “This is your choice. It’s always been your choice. Because I made my choice the second I got into the backseat of your car.”

  More tears roll down her face. “I choose Roman,” she whispers.

  I press my lips to hers, holding her firmly to me, committing this feeling to memory. “He’s not yours to choose,” I whisper, releasing her and tearing my face from her grip.

  She chokes on a sob as I grab my crutches and leave my office.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Dorothy

  “Wow! Really, Dorothy? Where have you been? I know you’re an adult, but we’ve been—” Mom’s hand covers her face when I look up, letting her see my swollen eyes from crying.

  All. The. Tears.

  I left the hospital at eight. Worked out for two hours. Then sat in my car outside the gym crying for two more hours.

  “Dorothy …” Mom scuffs her slippered feet across the floor and pulls me into her arms.

  I don’t even cry. Everything feels numb, like all my feelings resided in my tears, and I have no more tears left—and no more feelings.

  Not joy.

  Not love.

  Not anger.

  Nothing.

  “What happened?”

  “He hates me.”

  “Who?” She pulls back, holding me at arm’s length.

  “Eli.”

  “No.” Mom shakes her head.

  I nod slowly, still feeling no emotion. No tears. No smiles. Just nothing.

  “Why do you think that?”

  “I chose Roman instead of us. How is that wrong?” I manage to furrow my brow because I still don’t get it. I’ll never get it.

  “It’s not wrong, baby girl. It’s brave. It’s honest. It’s kind beyond words. And Eli can’t understand because he loves you. And speaking as someone who loves you very much, I know he’s hurting because the idea of living without you is pretty unbearable.”

  I turn toward my bedroom. “Goodnight.”

  “Dorothy …” She follows me to my room.

  “He said it was my decision. And I chose Roman. Then he said Roman wasn’t my choice to make. And he blames me. But it should have been his choice. Julie and Roman or me and part-time Roman. But he kept trying to make the wrong choice. And I can’t live like that. That’s too much pressure to not screw up and make him regret choosing me. Too much pressure to be something good enough that he doesn’t miss Roman when he’s not with him … when he only has me. And what if he doesn’t have me someday? I could die. Or move. Or be spectacularly me like I’ve been with all of my relationships … all of my failed relationships. Then what? Dr. Hathaway is not going to wait for him forever.”

  Mom gets a clean nightshirt out of my drawer and one of my favorite pair of practical, boring white panties. “Go shower. Get some sleep. Clarity will come with time. Forgiveness will come with time. So don’t watch the clock. Do your thing. Live your life. Then one day you’ll realize that this was nothing more than an experience to help you deal with something else down the road. Eli is extremely lucky to have had you in his life, even if it was only temporary.”

  I nod. Taking the shirt and panties from her. “I hope so.”

  * * *

  Elijah

  “Hi.” Julie sits up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. The blanket falls from her body and off the sofa onto the floor. She checks her phone on the coffee table. “One a.m. Are you okay?” Her gaze lands on my leg as I limp into the room without my crutches, slipping off my hoodie.

  “No. I’m not okay.” I ease into the chair across from the sofa.

  She retrieves the blanket from the floor and wraps it around her again, nestling into the corner of the sofa, red hair messy from sleeping. “Want to talk about it?”

  “No.” I stare blankly at her.

  “How did you get home?”

  “Cab.” I scratch my forehead, pinching my dry eyes shut for a few seconds.

  “I guess you don’t need to get your cast removed tomorrow.”

  I shake my head.

  She blows out a slow breath. “Have I lost you, Eli?”

  How do I answer that? The answer should be glaringly obvious. Right? I mean … she divorced me. How can you say you’ve lost something you willingly, even eagerly, gave away—released, let go?

  “You made me feel like nothing. Less than nothing.” I grunt a laugh. “I mean … is that even possible? I think so. It wasn’t that you just didn’t want me, it’s that you despised me. And I get it.” I finally glance up at her, meeting her anguished expression. “You had … you have something going on that’s out
of your control. But I didn’t know that. And neither did you. And that nothingness radiated to every cell in my body, taking over my existence. And for so long I felt like only you could bring me back to life. I felt like I would never be me again without you.”

  I shake my head slowly. “God … I felt like you were this force by which I lived my life. And when you left, it felt like the sun stopped shining. Like I didn’t know how to exist in a world that didn’t revolve around you. I let you be my everything. So when you left, I had nothing. Except Roman. And for so long I clung to him for the wrong reasons. He was you. The only piece of you I still had. A tiny sliver of my existence that you didn’t … that you couldn’t take away.”

  “Eli … I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. God … don’t apologize for being bipolar. That’s fucked-up. It would be like my patients apologizing for having cancer. Apologizing for suffering. Apologizing for dying.”

  “What happened tonight, Eli?” she whispers.

  My gaze affixes to the coffee table. “I lost Dorothy.” Pushing out of the chair, I hobble to the stairs and climb them, slowly and awkwardly, but I do it by myself. After a long shower, I floss and brush my teeth, crawling into bed around two a.m.

  Just as I start to drift off to sleep, the other side of the bed dips. Julie slides in next to me, wrapping her arms around me, her front to my back. I close my eyes again and fall asleep.

  The next morning, I wake up a little after six to an empty space next to me. It takes me a few seconds to get my balance when I stand, pulling on a white T-shirt. As I navigate the stairs, the aroma of coffee greets me.

  “Morning.” Julie’s already showered and dressed for work in a navy pencil skirt and light gray button-down shirt. Her hair is neatly pulled back into a ponytail.

  “Morning.” I take a seat at the table.

  “So … we need to make some decisions.”

  Decisions. I kind of hate all decisions at the moment. I don’t even want to make a decision on what I’m going to wear today, let alone make any sort of life-changing decision. “What decisions?” I murmur.

  She hands me a cup of coffee, brushing her lips along my cheek for a soft kiss. I don’t think I want her kissing me. But I did want it for so long, the foreign feeling of not wanting it is messing with my head.