Perfectly Adequate

by Jewel Ann

  A world of vulnerability resides in her eyes and the deep lines along her forehead as she forces a smile. “I’m in. Even if it’s a long shot at best … I’m in.”

  I brush my hand down her arm. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean I want a life with you. The one I took away. I want it back. I know I don’t deserve it, but I want it. You. Me. Roman. There’s nothing I want more. So I’ll fight for us until I get my family back. Or…” she blinks, averting her gaze to the side “…until you tell me the fight is over.”

  “Jules …” I brush my knuckles along her cheek, and she leans into my touch. “The fight is over. We’re fine.”

  Fine …

  I inwardly scold myself for saying it. Even if it means nothing to her, it still means something to me. It means we’re not okay yet. But I want to get there. I do.

  “It’s not. It’s only just begun.” She takes a step back and holds out her other hand.

  It’s a pregnancy test.

  And it’s positive.

  She’s pregnant. And we both know it’s not mine. So it’s his … the man who left her to go back to his family. A million thoughts race through my mind.

  Does he know?

  Will he come back to her?

  But she still wants me. She still wants me and Roman.

  Tears fill her eyes.

  “Jules … everything will be fine. We’ll figure this out.” I take her glass of wine. She shouldn’t be drinking wine.

  She wipes her eyes before the tears escape, shaking her head slowly. “You don’t even sound surprised. You knew … she told you.”

  I squint. “How could I have possibly known you’re pregnant with another man’s baby? And who is ‘she?’ What are you talking about?”

  “Oh my god …” Julie whispers, covering her mouth with her hand. The tears win over and break free in a blink. “You … you thought I …” She shakes her head. “I … was pregnant with his baby … and you … you were just fine with it?” Julie laughs. The crazy kind. The painful kind. The kind of laugh that scares me.

  I reach for her, my natural instinct to comfort her and protect her, but she takes another step away.

  “Only you, Eli … only you love like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “So completely,” she whispers on a sob, “so unconditionally. You always do the right thing, even if it kills you.”

  “Jules, there’s no right or wrong here. I’m just saying I support you no matter what you decide. But I don’t think you should decide this without him. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t want that.”

  “Jesus Christ …” She puts her hand on her head and fists her hair, continuing to shake it like this is a reality she’s not ready to face. After a few seconds of her doing something between a sob and that crazy woman’s laugh, she grabs my hand, places the pregnancy test in it, and closes my fingers around it. Her painful smile fades into an expressionless face, drenched in tears, makeup smeared around her eyes. “It’s not my pregnancy test. I’m not the one who’s pregnant.” She lifts onto her toes and presses a kiss to my cheek before grabbing her purse, slipping her feet into her shoes, and walking out the front door.

  I open my hand and stare at the positive test. What just happened? It feels like someone just rammed a truck into my brain. Her words are there, echoing over and over. I hear them.

  Julie’s not pregnant.

  It’s not her test.

  Dorothy … no. Julie wouldn’t have her test. It makes no sense, yet it’s the only explanation that makes any sense at this point.

  “Dorothy’s pregnant with my baby …”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  Guacamole for the Win

  Dorothy

  “Orville got stuck in Gemma’s dog door again,” Dad says, rolling his eyes after the waitress takes our order.

  I convinced them to meet me for late night Mexican. Guacamole and chips makes everything better, even positive pregnancy tests.

  “So what’s up? You have exciting news for us?” Mom takes a sip of her huge margarita. “Early job offer? New boyfriend? Promotion at work?”

  “Nope.” I take a sip of my water. “Just pregnant.”

  Mom chokes on her drink. Dad doesn’t move. Not a single blink.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. There’s not much to say.”

  Mom clears the rest of her drink from her throat. “Not much to say? Dorothy, you’re … pregnant? Well … um … do you not get what that means?”

  The waitress brings our guacamole and chips. I dig right in. “Yes, Mom. I’m well aware of how babies are made. The developmental process. And the eighteen-plus-year commitment. But I already took the test. I already had my initial meltdown, followed by Dr. Hathaway stealing my pregnancy test and nine hours of denial.”

  “Wait … what?” Mom reaches across the table to grab my hand, stopping me from taking a bite of my chip.

  So I retell the whole saga.

  Then we eat in silence because I know they have no idea what to say or do at the moment. That makes three of us. But I have roughly thirty-five weeks to plan everything out. It’s no secret that I had no intentions of ever having children. Adopting, maybe. But not this.

  And yet … here I am. Knocked up by Dr. Hawkins.

  “Don’t wait to tell him,” Mom finally speaks as Dad pays the bill. “If Julie hasn’t already told him.”

  “No. Trust me. She didn’t tell him. I honestly think she’s hoping I don’t tell him. I mean … she has him back. Now here I am threatening to disrupt all of that, but not really. He can be as involved as he wants to be or not at all. I don’t need him financially. And I’ll figure it out. Right?”

  And by right, I one hundred percent mean, “You guys have my back, right?”

  “Of course.” Mom scoots out of the booth after Dad. “But tell him, Dorothy. And tell him soon.”

  “I will. I just found out today. I haven’t even confirmed it with a doctor. And I could sneeze and miscarry. Disrupting everyone with a 9-1-1 pregnancy alert isn’t called for at almost ten o’clock on a Friday. But …” My nose wrinkles. “I’m pregnant. I’m … pregnant.”

  My parents nod slowly, showing a bit of relief in the face of my flash of panic—my real acknowledgment.

  “This kid will get my genes. It’s doomed. Eli will realize this too. He’s smart. He studies things, like terrible things we genetically pass along to the next generation. He’s not going to want this. And that’s fine, right? I’ve got this. I mean … we’ve got this. Right?”

  “Yes. Of course, baby girl. We’ve got this.” Mom hugs me right after we exit the restaurant. “But soon. You need to tell him soon.”

  “Yes. Soon …” I sigh. Soon as in January if I can keep my mouth shut that long. Thanksgiving is this coming week. Christmas next month. I’m not disrupting families over the holidays. Besides, that gives this little fetus inside of me time to decide if he or she is going to stick.

  I get stuck at all stoplights getting out of Portland, so my parents beat me home.

  “Oh shit …” I whisper when I see a blue Tesla and the outline of a man—the man—sitting on the steps to the front porch. I gun it to get pulled into the garage before Mom and Dad drag their asses out of their car. “Go in the back door. Go now!” I demand before I even get my seatbelt unfastened.

  “He knows …” Mom shakes her head.

  “We don’t know that, but I just … just go.”

  “We’re going … we’re going.” Dad pulls Mom’s arm toward the back door to the garage.

  I walk out front and lower the garage door at the keypad. My lungs and heart refuse to cooperate. It’s hard to breathe as I take slow steps to the porch.

  There he is … sitting on the top step, wearing jeans and a hoodie. His elbows rest on his knees, hands folded in front of him. He has a thicker layer of stubble along his face, approaching the perfect length for a neatly trimmed beard. He’s … hot.

  Yup, ev
en now, in the dark, when he belongs to another woman, he’s still a sight to behold.

  “You should have messaged me. I wasn’t expecting you. We went for a late dinner, since I don’t get off work until eight. Mexican … chips and guacamole. It was really good.”

  Eli runs a hand through his hair, dipping his chin and scratching the back of his head. “I know what time you get off work. But I didn’t want to discuss our baby via text.”

  Gulp …

  “She told you,” I whisper.

  “The question is, why didn’t you?” He sounds a little hurt or angry. Or maybe just tired. I really can’t tell because it’s dark, and I’m cold, and my pounding pulse makes it hard to hear well.

  “I literally took the test this morning.” I start pacing again. “I stuck it in my pocket. Then it dropped out of my pocket when I went to grab my phone. She was there. She took it and made me follow her to her office to talk about it. I didn’t dream she would tell you today. I thought she’d have the decency to give me at least twenty-four fucking hours to digest the fact that my life is going to change forever!”

  Eli stands, taking the three steps to meet me. “Why are you yelling?” He grabs my shoulders to stop my pacing.

  Wow … I thought … I really thought I had this. I thought I worked this out in my head, very factually, very analytically. Yet, here I am breaking down. Here come the tears like rain that wasn’t in the forecast.

  “Because I’m pregnant. And I really wanted to give you the life you wanted—the life you deserve. And I know it took two to make this baby, but I should have never let it happen. It’s just that I really wanted to be with you one last time. And now everything is ruined, and I’m trying really hard to pretend that it’s not. But if Dr. Hathaway leaves you again because of this, I’ll feel bad for like … ever.” I cover my face with my hands and hold in the sobs, but they shake my body anyway.

  Eli wraps me in his arms. “Oh my god, Dorothy … you’re not even close to hitting the truth about what this means.” He presses his lips to the top of my head.

  I wipe my face, sniffling as I look up at him. The moonlight illuminates his face, and right now I want to be selfish, but I can’t. I won’t. “You just got your family back. Don’t let this ruin that. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

  He rubs my cheeks with his thumbs, drying my tears and pushing away the hairs stuck to my cheeks. “Define stupid.” A grin pulls at his lips.

  “Stupid is thinking that I can’t do this by myself. I can. And my parents are here. This baby will be loved and well cared for. Stupid is thinking I need you more than they do.”

  “Dorothy Mayhem, stupid is thinking that I don’t need you. Stupid is thinking this baby is anything short of the best damn miracle I’ve experienced since Julie told me she was pregnant with Roman. Stupid is thinking I’m letting you make any more decisions for me.” Eli’s grip on my face intensifies as he leans down to force me to look him in the eye.

  “The only thing that’s been ruined is me. You ruined me the day you walked into my life, wearing those outrageous red Nikes. You ruined me for Julie and all other women. I’m the expensive vase you broke while shopping. I’m no good for anybody. I’m yours. You are stuck with me. So pick up the fucking pieces and deal with it because I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But Roman—”

  He releases me. “No! No! No! No!” Brushing past me he walks a good twenty feet down my driveway, pulling at his hair. “Roman is perfect!” he yells … as if he’s trying to wake up everyone in a five-mile radius. “He’s happy. He’s loved. He’s well-adjusted. AND HE ADORES DORFEE MAYHEM!” Eli cups his hands around his mouth and tips his head back like an animal howling at the moon. “EVERYBODY LOVES DORFEE MAYHEM BECAUSE SHE’S THE VERY BEST HUMAN THAT EVER EXISTED! AND SHE’S HAVING MY BABY! I. AM. THE. LUCKIEST. MAN. ALIVE!”

  Dropping his hands from his face, he marches back toward me. I can’t even begin to explain how completely embarrassed I am right now.

  “I choose you, Dorothy. I chose you then, even when you didn’t choose me. I choose you now. I’ll choose you tomorrow. But for the love of god, woman …” He drops to his knees at my feet, literally resting his forehead on my tennis shoes, hands gripping my calves. “Would you please choose me? Would you let your own happiness matter for once?”

  “Sweetie?” Mom calls out the door behind me. She sounds a bit worried. I can’t imagine why that would be. “Is everything good?”

  Wiping the last few tears from my face, I curl my hair behind my ears and squat down, running my fingers though Eli’s hair as he breathes heavily with his forehead still resting on my shoes. “Yeah, everything is … okay.”

  Eli mumbles something, but I can’t make it out. He lifts his head slowly. “Say it again.”

  I let my smile show, but just a little.

  He sits back onto his butt, evidently not caring that he’s sitting in a mix of dirt and grass, but mostly dirt. Then he grabs my waist and pulls me to him, so my legs straddle his legs, so my nose nearly touches his nose. “Say it again.”

  “Everything is okay.” My smile crawls a bit farther up my face.

  “Again …” he grins.

  I press my palms to his very stubbly face and brush my lips across his lips. “Okay … everything is okay.”

  “Because you love me.”

  I kiss his top lip. “Because I love you.”

  “Because you choose me.”

  I kiss his bottom lip. “Because I choose you.”

  “And we’re having a baby.”

  I nod, kissing his nose, his cheeks, his forehead. “And we’re having a baby.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  Elijah

  “Oh … my god!”

  Grimacing, I crack open one eye. My back hurts. I’m on my stomach. Rarely do I sleep on my stomach. Must be why my back hurts. A pillow lands on my ass—my bare ass.

  Kellie stares at me, wide-eyed, with her hand over her mouth. And she starts to mumble behind that hand. “I was going to do a load of laundry for Dorothy. And I thought I’d wash the blanket that was tossed onto her bed, but I had no idea you were under the blanket. Oh my god … why would she completely cover up a naked, sleeping man and then just go to work without saying anything?”

  “Um …” I squint, opening my other eye and rolling onto my back, keeping the pillow over my midsection. “We’re talking about Dorothy … clearly your guess is as good as mine.”

  We were zipped into her bed. And then we started doing certain activities that required more freedom to move about the bed … and the floor. Yeah, I’m pretty sure we were on the floor at some point. My mind is a little fuzzy because I don’t think I got more than two hours of sleep. I have no clue when Dorothy even got up or how she’s functioning on so little sleep.

  “Thank you for loving my baby girl.” She hugs a wad of dirty clothes to her chest.

  I rub my eyes before lacing my fingers behind my head, meeting Kellie’s huge grin and bright eyes. Julie’s mom never thanked me for loving her daughter.

  I return the smile. “It’s truly a pleasure. And I …” I cringe, feeling eighteen instead of thirty-eight. Maybe my naked body only covered by a pillow is what has me feeling a bit insecure. “I apologize for not being more responsible with your daughter. But I love her. And I’m going to take care of her and raise this baby with her. I have only the best intentions where Dorothy is concerned.”

  “I appreciate that. So much.” She sits on the side of the bed.

  Okay … we’re going to chat now, with me naked in Dorothy’s bed. Nope … nothing awkward at all about this. I scoot over an inch or two, keeping a firm hold on the pillow.

  “A few years back, before her uncle died and left her all his money…” Kellie lets out a slow breath, looking out the slats of the window blinds “…I went shopping with Dorothy right around the time school was getting ready to start. We each grabbed a cart. I went in one way. She went the other way. We met back
up a few minutes later. I had like four things in my cart. Dorothy’s cart was full. Now … things you’ll find out about Dorothy, if you haven’t already: She has backups of everything—shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste … you name it. And not just one extra. I’m talking three or four extra tubes of toothpaste. So before I actually focused on the contents of her cart, I assumed she simply was having a moment. A little anxiety that required the comfort of backups.

  “Nope … I was wrong. Here’s the thing, we spend so much of our lives as parents trying to make sure our kids are good humans. Then one day, without you really noticing, it happens. Dorothy’s cart was full, but the stuff was not for her. Upon explanation, she told me there was a donation box in front of a children’s house she passed every day on her way to work. It had been over a week and no one had donated. She’s done some summer workshops with these kids … the abused and neglected kids. And she said they had less than nothing, and nobody was helping them, not at all. Then she said she knew what she was doing wouldn’t really make a difference, but she at least wanted to try. One minute I was worried that she was having an off day, preparing to interrogate her about taking her medications faithfully. The next minute, I’m standing in a store with tears rolling down my face.”

  She shrugs. “I’m happy to say that I have raised a good human who’s now adulting better than me.”

  Yeah, I need a lifetime with Dorothy Mayhem. And I can’t believe how close I came to letting her slip away from me.

  “Anyway, I just want you to know that some days will be sheer madness. I mean … god knows I love that girl, but she is clumsy and loud. Talks through movies, constantly being told to shush. And she’s a hypochondriac. Always dying of something. She won’t eat the last slice of bread, the last bit of peanut butter in a jar, the last cookie in a box. Nope. She’ll just get out a new one. And the birds …” Kellie laughs. “I asked her once if she wanted to put some seed out for the momma bird who had babies in a nest. Dorothy didn’t even think, she just said, ‘No. I believe in Darwin.’”