by kendra Smith
There was a small terrace behind one of the beach huts where Katie decided to sit on the sun-faded deck chairs, beer in hand from the cooler. Katie soaked up the sun; her swimsuit was slowly drying. Adam had pulled on a pair of dry board shorts and was sorting out the towels lying on the beach, picking them up, folding them. She stared at his back again, his golden shoulders, the tiny hairs at the nape of his neck, shining in the sun.
‘See you two in a mo,’ Lucy exclaimed suddenly, and Katie jumped.
Katie looked up, squinted in the sun.
‘I’m feeling really tired now - just going to lie down,’ Lucy shouted.
‘Hope it’s not sunstroke?’ Katie shouted back, then frowned. ‘Drink lots of water!’ She waved at her friend in the distance. She could just make out the boys and Tom in the long grasses, taking the windy path back to the house. She watched them slowly wander into the distance, saw that they all went into the house, then turned her gaze towards the sea shimmering in the distance.
It was then that it hit her. She would be totally alone with Adam. Sweat broke out on her forehead. Adam came to sit beside her, looked up at the view and then back at her.
‘You were pretty good out there, confident snorkelling – looks like you found some of your old self?’ He smiled at her, his eyebrows arched. ‘You know, the girl you were talking about last night, the one who was a bit more daring and used to do things before the kids came along…’ He playfully punched her on the shoulder, his eyes fixed on hers.
‘How’s Lucy?’ Katie was determined to keep the conversation neutral.
‘She’s fine, obsessed with finding a house though, become her—’
‘Dream?’
‘Yeah.’ Adam shrugged his shoulders. ‘I’d be happy to stay in London a little longer, but she wants to—’
‘She wants to move out to the country?’
He nodded, then looked sideways at her. Katie felt a tremendous thud in her heart, like someone just placed a two-tonne stone on it. Not sure I can breathe.
‘Amazing here, isn’t it? I can see why you love it.’ He took a swig of his beer.
She opened her mouth to explain that she didn’t love it, that in fact seeing him and Lucy had made her so homesick it almost hurt, when he turned to smile at her. ‘Looks like you’ve taken some of the sea life with you,’ he murmured and reached over to her hair, pulling a tiny piece of seaweed out. She was mesmerised. She watched as his arm went across her body. His forearm gently brushed her breast and she felt an electric shock go through her spine. She froze as he fixed his eyes on her, looking down at her clearly erect nipples. Her breasts seemed to be larger than normal, straining in her bikini. They were so sensitive at the moment, thought Katie, shuddering at the sensation.
Her heart was in her mouth. She felt a thumping in her chest and felt herself redden. Tell him you are happily married.
Oh God, he is even better-looking than I remember, she thought. His hair was a thick dark thatch of mahogany curls, eyes like melted chocolate with the most enormous eyelashes. He had tiny dimples in his cheeks when he smiled. He was leaning in really close by then. His left hand had slipped around her back and he was drawing tiny circles across her shoulder blades and he started tugging at her swimsuit clasp. I don’t seem to be stopping him, Katie realised.
‘God, you are beautiful, Katie. I’d forgotten how mu—’
‘Adam, don’t…’ She caught her breath; couldn’t speak.
‘How come I never really noticed before? I love your hair like this, tied back, shows off your eyes…’
‘Adam, listen… we…’
Just then, the clip to her bikini top came loose and a strap fell down on one shoulder. My head is so light, and my heart is thundering like I’ve just run a marathon. Katie swallowed hard, trying to focus on the moment. She could smell beer on his breath as the late afternoon sun warmed her cheek. She hadn’t been so close to anyone for such a long time except Tom…
Tenderly, Adam cupped his hand round the back of her neck and pulled her towards him. The sun was beating down on her face; it was so warm; his hands were gentle… Katie melted under his touch. I want my bikini to move, she thought, I want to pull down more of it to expose my breasts, to feel the air on them, watch as my nipples harden to his touch. He leant back, stared at them, then slowly traced a line from them up to her mouth.
God, this feels good. I want to be wanted by a man, she thought, arching her back, not like Tom at the moment, so distant, too tired to see how I am, see how much I need… need what? For someone to desire me. Katie was shocked at how much she did want Adam to slip his hands around her waist, to tug at her bikini strap, feel her wet skin under his touch, to feel his chest against hers, to feel that warm dewy breath against her cheek and the tingling sensation all over her body as he parted his mouth, kissed her on the cheek, while his right hand held her firmly in the small of her back. I want to feel all those things. I want him to kiss me now, thought Katie, whilst she heard her breathing getting heavier and heavier.
Tom’s deceived me, hasn’t he, with those immigration papers… Adam has always made it clear he has a soft spot for me…
Suddenly she pulled away. What am I doing? I can’t do this to Lucy, to my marriage, to Tom.
‘Adam, we shouldn’t—’
‘It’s my fault,’ he said abruptly standing up; he seemed to realise where he was and what he’d done. ‘It’s the sun, the sea, this place, I don’t know.’ He shook his head. ‘I’ve had too many beers, Katie, I’m so sorry… but, you know, you just don’t realise it, never have – you’re just so beautiful.’
I might be wrong, thought Katie, sitting in the sun and watching as he strode away, feeling her heart thud against her chest and her cheeks burn, but there seem to be tears in his eyes.
8
Putting the phone back in her bag, she looked around. They were crossing the Harbour Bridge. Everyone inside the car was silent. Andy had gone to sleep and James was looking out of the window at the Opera House. The mood was reflective – Tom gazing ahead. She stared at her reflection in her hand mirror and wiped away a dribble of mascara running down her face. Why was she crying? Sad to have said goodbye to Lucy? Because of what nearly happened with Adam? The tangle of thoughts in her brain was beyond teasing into a single, cohesive line, so she played a little game to distract herself – she thought of the first things that came to mind with each letter of the alphabet.
A: airport, airbag… Adam… What have I done; what did I nearly do? Katie put her hand to her mouth. But you can hardly blame me, thought Katie, with Tom acting so distant… B: briefs/big pants, breast pad. C: Crisis? D: dishes, diving… E: Egg, soft boiled, soldiers. F: Fairy bread. G: Guilty… Katie shook her head and thought about the airport again, the teary goodbyes, the confused looks between her and Adam; how polite they had been to each other, the sadness Katie felt at seeing her best friend go, but the realisation that it was absolutely necessary.
It’s been all too brief, she thought. It’s hard to shovel into ten days an overwhelming life experience. At least Lucy has the map co-ordinates of my new life now: the school, a few days on the coast; our wildlife in the garden… my kitchen where I wipe up spilt orange squash, fold laundry, stare at the frangipani trees in the garden and swat flies away.
The hardest part is not knowing when we will see each other again – but do I mean Lucy or Adam? Katie thought, with a sigh.
‘You OK?’
‘Fine!’ She jumped. Could he read her mind? She stared out the window and considered the snow flurry of her thoughts landing, then slowly melting into her subconscious.
‘Hey, let’s do anything you want this afternoon,’ he said. ‘It’s been tough saying goodbye.’
Tougher than you know, thought Katie, forcing a smile.
‘What about shopping?’
She nodded again, unable to speak. Suddenly they passed an electrical shop and Tom pulled over abruptly.
‘Excellent! Let’s buy a hoover!
’ he said. ‘The house is a tip – you need some help!’
In the window display was a huge sign exclaiming that hoovers were on special offer. Walking inside, they spotted a whole array of vacuum cleaners of various makes and sizes. A man with greasy hair and a thin grey tie with a badge proclaiming ‘Call me John’ came up and asked if they needed any help. He wasn’t wearing shorts.
‘Hi, we want to buy a hoover.’ Tom smiled at him.
‘We don’t have any of those, I’m afraid,’ he said scratching his chin and Katie watched as a bit of dead skin fluttered to the floor. Looking back up at him, she blinked. They were quite clearly staring at a whole row of hoovers. She glanced at him sideways. Katie tried to be nice, but felt irritated, queasy and a bit hungry. ‘I am looking at a whole line of them, um, John—’ she peered at his badge ‘—and you are telling me you haven’t any?’
Tom stared at her, brushed down his shirt and coughed nervously.
‘We do not have any Hoover brand vacuum cleaners, if that is what you mean,’ he replied with a little sniff, motioning to Katie.
Ah, so that’s what happens when you are forced to fly 10,000 miles from home, Katie realised, feeling the colour drain from her face. Tom explained that they needed a vacuum cleaner and then, suddenly, all Katie could see was a very peculiar silver light as she fell straight down to the floor.
*
Someone is talking to me, thought Katie. She was being shaken by the shoulder and out of her reverie. I can see kangaroos; they are leaping in a field. No, wait, all the kangaroos have human faces – one’s Tom, then there’s me, my mother. But there’s another one, a tiny kangaroo. They are saying something; there’s a soothing voice, suddenly the smell of Dettol. ‘Katie. Can you look at me…?’ It was that voice again.
Opening her eyes, she then screwed them back up again: it was terribly bright in here, wherever she was. She stared up at huge neon strip lights, blinked and peered at a man next to her. He was in a white coat and was staring at her.
‘Just going to look into your eyes, OK?’ he said shining a yellow light into her eyes. She noticed the hairs in his nostrils – a few were greying. He moved back, glanced at her notes – ‘Do you have a very sore head?’ She nodded. Why did he have an Australian accent? Oh yes. She was in Australia.
Suddenly Tom appeared. ‘Darling, are you all right?’
‘What happened?’ Her voice was croaky.
‘You fainted. In the shop. I called an ambulance – you hit your head on a Dyson really hard on the way down.’
‘Dyson?’ said Katie, confused. ‘I want a Hoover…’
The doctor asked Tom to move away for a minute. ‘Running a few blood tests,’ he said calmly, ‘but while we’re waiting – few questions, Katherine, all right? Then I’ll look at the scan results of your head and your blood tests, OK? Now, what day is it?’
All right? What day? What day? Huh? Oh yes, easy. Friday. She knew what he was up to. He was trying to see if she still had all her faculties. He asked her name. ‘Who is the prime minister?’
D-D-avid Cameron… was on the tip of her tongue, when she caught sight of the eucalyptus trees fluttering in the breeze just outside the window. She froze. Stared at Tom, eyes wide. Oh God, will I be institutionalised because I cannot remember the name of the Australian prime minister? She panicked. Looking at the clock on the wall, she stared at the second hand.
‘Katherine?’
After what seemed to be an age ‘Julia Gillard’ came out of her mouth. She felt triumphant. She had read about her on the plane: first female prime minister of Australia. Bet she doesn’t wear elastic tracksuit bottoms, thought Katie, with a sigh. Sharp white suit jackets, from what I remember of her photos.
Holding the X-ray scan of her head in front of a light box, the doctor turned to them. ‘Looks fine,’ he said. Thank God he couldn’t really look inside her brain. See her thoughts.
‘But you have to take it easy, considering,’ the doctor carried on.
‘What do you mean, considering?’ Katie was fully awake now. Felt very tired, but shook off the feeling.
‘Thank you, Doctor, I’ll get my wife home now.’
‘Ah, not so quickly, please. There are more results.’
‘Results of what?’ said Tom.
‘From the blood tests. I was concerned that you passed out so rapidly – paramedics said your blood pressure was low – thought I’d check a few things.’
Katie stared at the top of her pale gold sandals with delicate white beads as the doctor slowly put his hand on her shoulder, and looked at both of them. What was he going to say? What on earth was wrong? Cancer maybe! What?
‘Well I’m pleased to tell you both that Katherine is pregnant.’
The world stopped right there and then for a moment and all Katie could focus on were the beads on her sandals. She felt her stomach jump to her mouth.
‘What?’ she murmured, then burst out crying.
A nurse came up to her and handed Katie a box of tissues. She blew her nose noisily and stared at Tom, who was smiling. She looked back at the nurse’s badge on her uniform. The badge read ‘Angela’ next to a smiley face. Angela was in her early sixties, with an impossibly large, matronly bust. She did not have a smiley face. She had about as much empathy as an immigration official. Angela leaned in and Katie noticed some fine hairs on her chin. ‘Your boys are watching TV in the waiting room, darl.’
Katie nodded then turned her head up to look at Tom; she found that he was grinning from ear to ear as he came over to her.
‘Isn’t that fantastic news! Is it really true?’ He turned to the doctor.
‘Yes, about eight to ten weeks; can’t tell before a proper scan.’
‘But the baby will be Australian.’ It was out before she realised what she was saying. Tom, the nurse and the doctor turned to stare at her. She felt a warm prickle rising up her neck and put her hands up to her face to cover her cheeks.
How on earth didn’t I know? Katie closed her eyes and felt drained.
‘Oh, Katie.’ Tom came up to her, held her hand as she opened her eyes again. He had a proud look on his face, a look that said: ‘I am the most virile animal on the planet; nobody else in the world has ever fathered a child.’ Yes, Tom, it has been populated entirely with immaculate conceptions.
Be nice. She felt monumentally, achingly weary.
The doctor looked at Katie kindly. He was the archetypal doctor from a Mills & Boon paperback: tall, good-looking, tanned from surfing, with his relaxed Aussie drawl. Any other day and features like that would have sent her into a chirpy charm ’n’ flirt offensive. Not today. With this kind of news, she didn’t really care if a whole school of medical students saw her in her knickers.
Outside the air was salty, slightly damp. Tom had Katie by the arm. Leaning on him outside the clinic, she cast her eyes over the scene. They were in Manly, the seaside suburb moments from their new home. The clinic was opposite the beach. They both stared at the view: sand the colour of pineapple flesh, the sea indigo blue, huge white-crested breakers on the surface. People were surfing; tiny figures were balancing on their boards, bending, catching the waves, enormous breakers towering above them, then gone; the inky sea swallowed them up.
‘Isn’t that amazing news, darling?’
‘I’m quite shocked Tom, actually. Don’t know what to think, to be honest.’ She slumped onto a bench by the beach. The wood felt cold on the backs of her legs and she shivered.
‘Is Mummy not well?’ Andy nestled into a space on the bench.
‘Mummy’s fine, darling! You and James are going to have a baby sister – or brother!’
‘Sister?’ said James. ‘Yeuch!’ He ran towards the beach.
‘Wait! Wait! I’ll phone Dad.’ Tom quickly tapped the number into his phone and strode towards the sand.
She listened to him shouting: ‘Dad, yes – yes it’s Tom, no, we’re all right, fine. Having another baby…’ He turned to her, waved and then purposefully
walked back and forth across the beach. He took Andy’s hand and walked over to James. Tom was wearing biscuit-coloured shorts, his hair blonder thanks to the early morning trips surfing before work. He met with some buddies down by the sea pool; they had a loose arrangement to meet every second week. While he’s there, swathed in neoprene and catching the waves, thought Katie, I’m normally covered in jam and toothpaste. She smiled, despite herself.
She studied Tom’s face in the sun. He was animated, glowing; his sunglasses pushed up over his strawberry-blond hair. His freckles stood out in the sun. He was waving his arms, grinning. I feel like we’ve both seen a movie that he loved, whilst I’m still in shock about it, mused Katie, smoothing her skirt down as it blew in the breeze. She wanted to discuss it, say she didn’t understand. Tom wanted to tell the world. She admired his exuberance. This, at the moment, is our secret, our news; I don’t even know if I want to shout about it… It makes me feel… She couldn’t place it, then realised: Yes, I feel trapped.
‘Katie? Aren’t you?’ Tom was grinning at her, towering above her as she sat on the bench.
‘Hmm?’
‘I said to Dad that you’re thrilled, aren’t you?’
She nodded, speechless. Just nod. Good girl.
Tom slipped his phone into his pocket and sat next to her, putting his arms around her. He’s taller than Adam, she thought, shook her head with the memory and leaned back. Tom hunched forward and stared out to sea. The animation had left him, like a deflated balloon after a kid’s party. He turned to her: ‘Dad seemed very quiet.’
‘Well, it is five in the morning, darling, over there.’
‘No. It’s something else.’ He leaned back and turned to her, his eyes darting left and right.
‘He’s lonely, Tom, he just lost his son, remember?’
‘He hasn’t lost me, Katie.’ Tom sighed, folding his arms.
‘Tom?’ said Katie placing a hand on his arm. ‘We can’t afford another baby.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous! Of course we can – it’s fantastic, isn’t it?’ He looked at her. ‘We’ll be bringing up our children as Australian, and one of them will even have been born here!’ His eyes were bright again, twinkling in the midday sun. He took her hand.
