by kendra Smith
‘Oh, honey, it’s going to be worth it.’
‘I know, but this is just the start… We haven’t even got to producing eggs yet…’
Katie didn’t know what else to say. Outsourcing the production of a baby was the alchemy of chemistry and hope, a scientific experiment, tinkering with embryos and emotions.
‘But you know,’ Ann carried on, perking up, ‘even in a week things could be different. All those people at the clinic – I really wanted to ask if they’d been successful, Katie. Know what I mean?’
No, thought Katie, I know precious little about the journey of IVF snakes and ladders.
Ann turned to her and her eyes lit up. ‘Just think – in about nine months, I could be holding a baby!’ A smile spread across her face. ‘You see, they seem to have found the problem; I’m not releasing an egg every month. In a strange way, the ectopic pregnancy has been like an awakening; wish we’d started IVF before,’ she said, her eyes followed the little girl in her red and white smock.
‘Paul and I were up late last night discussing it all. Paul’s read it all out to me. So, we’re going to fix it,’ she said firmly.
Katie reached for her hand. She must have been reading some impressive IVF leaflets last night. ‘That’s great – what next?’
She sighed and closed her eyes. ‘Weeks of injecting myself again, stimulating the follicles – then they take the eggs out, fertilise them – then put three or four embryos back in. Increases my chances,’ she said. ‘God, I hope it’s all worth it…’
‘Of course it will be.’ Katie looked across at her as she stood to leave. She held her hand over her face to shield it from the sun. I wish I could have a baby for her.
Just then, the little girl ran up to the bench, followed by Andy. They were playing a chasing game, both of them laughing, kicking sand everywhere.
Ann bent down and spoke to her. ‘What’s your name?’
‘Lily.’ The little girl giggled, then ran off.
Ann stared at the tiny toddler, watched as she squealed with Andy. ‘Better go, 6 a.m. start tomorrow.’
Katie waved at Ann, watched her car drive down the slope next to the scrubby bush, past the trees, which the boys had been taught at school had red ‘bottlebrush’ flowers on them. They sometimes brought them to Katie from the garden, told her to use them on Rory’s bottles, then creased up laughing. They were learning about the native flora. It felt odd. Every day they were turning more and more into little Aussies. It was like the hour hand of a clock again – didn’t seem to be moving when you stared at it, but before you knew it, time had gone by. Australia had crept into their beings. She wanted to remind her boys about daffodils, ask if they remembered the lilac-coloured clematis over their house in London, but then, slowly packing away their water bottles into her bag, she decided not to bother.
*
Much later that night, she rolled over in bed and glanced at her watch – 11 p.m. (Where’s Tom?)
Lying in bed, she drifted into a fitful sleep. She dreamt she was a doctor. She had very large breasts; she was showing patients how to apply avocado leave-in conditioner in the waiting room and spilling it everywhere.
She woke with a start. The alarm set on the clock radio had just switched on the radio. She was surrounded by weird opera music. Tom wasn’t there. She could hear the answer machine click on downstairs… Tom and Katie can’t take your… Tom and Katie can’t take your call right now because Katie has no idea where Tom is… Grabbing a nearby pillow, she hugged it tightly to her chest.
23
Ann and Naomi were at the door. Katie opened it wide, shoving some bags out of the way with her foot.
‘How are you, Ann?’ Naomi sat on the sofa, plumped up a cushion and looked over at her friend. Katie narrowed her eyes and stared at them both. Naomi looked amazing in navy designer jeans, killer pink heels and a matching drawstring top with pink hearts that emphasised her bust. Ann was in a simple batik skirt, tied at the side and a white cotton blouse with delicate emerald green embroidery down the front.
How hard must it be for Ann, mused Katie, watching her as she twisted a piece of hair with her finger. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to play Russian roulette with your eggs and your husband’s sperm.
‘Yeah, OK. You know, some days are better than others.’ Ann forced a smile, released her fingers from her hair.
‘You poor darling,’ Naomi said getting up and handing round some cupcakes covered with vanilla icing, glittery silver balls perched on each one.
‘Hey, Paul and I are thinking about the Seven Dwarf names this time for the embryos!’ announced Ann with a thin smile.
Now it was Katie’s turn to force a smile. My God. I wish they’d stop naming their embryos. ‘Great idea,’ said Katie, all the while wondering how must it feel to be cheated by nature so that you had to let a man with very small hands encased in white latex gloves put a rubber tube through your cervix and plant embryos in your womb – rather than just have sex like everyone else.
‘I like the idea of calling the biggest one Bashful, then Sleepy this time…’ Katie watched as Ann’s eyes fell to the floor and she became silent, as the true price of her journey took its toll.
‘Oh, Ann, I’m so, so sorry.’ Katie moved next to her. ‘I can only guess what you’re going through.’
‘No you can’t,’ she snapped. ‘It’s not just all the IVF… it’s… well, everything. Do you know what Paul said to me in bed this morning? He said: “What do you think of, when we’re making love, when I’m inside you?” I didn’t know how to answer.’ She looked up at them both. ‘I really didn’t.’
Naomi leant over and handed her a tissue.
‘What I wanted to say was “I just don’t care.” That I don’t want sex.’ She sniffed and wiped her nose.
‘He said to me that he feels it’s useless, that he knows it won’t make a baby, that we’re infertile. That he feels empty inside. He said something about me not being a real woman… I know that sounds awful. I just stare at the walls, feel him inside me, go through the motions…’
Katie stopped herself from confessing to Ann that sometimes, even when you’re fertile and having sex, you find yourself mentally itemising your freezer drawer; it probably wouldn’t help.
‘It’s so hard. I look round at all these women. All they have to do is wiggle their hips and hey presto—’ she snapped her fingers ‘—they’re pregnant.’ She stopped, looked at Katie and Naomi and then bent her head down.
Katie glanced across at Naomi; she was twisting off a bit of napkin, turning it round and round in her hand. She looked very uncomfortable.
Katie smiled. ‘You’re very brave, Ann.’
‘Brave? Look where that’s got me!’ She stood up slowly and then wandered to the other side of the room.
‘I’ve been injecting myself every day this week. I feel drained. Can’t believe I’m doing it again. Up at five every morning to be at the clinic for blood tests, the hormone injections.’ She let out a sigh.
Katie opened her mouth to reply, looked at her friend but realised she didn’t know what to say. Changing the subject, she told them about the website she’d found, which was very user-friendly and showed you pictures of all the spiders you find in the Northern Beaches. The other two stared at her, then started to laugh.
‘Know what – soon you’ll be catching redbacks and killing them,’ said Naomi, pushing the cupcake plate away from her on the table.
‘No way!’ Katie scrunched up her nose. ‘I’ll never do that.’
‘And how are you, darl?’ Naomi’s eyes were on Katie. Abruptly, Ann got up, said she needed to use the toilet.
Katie shrugged. She felt a wave of melancholy wash over her. Naomi was looking straight at her.
‘You need more of a life outside the home, sweetie. Are you doing Blake’s course?’ She smiled at Katie, her oversized watch dangling from her thin wrist.
Katie nodded. ‘Soon.’
‘Does Tom know?’
>
‘Nope. I want it to be a surprise,’ said Katie.
‘Great surprise. Hey, I might join you!’ Naomi smiled at her again.
Join me? With her skinny hips and long legs, making Katie feel super-short and dumpy. Katie let out a deep sigh, mildly irritated. ‘Sure,’ she said curtly.
‘You need to find the girl you told me about, I reckon. The one who had fun, remember?’
Nodding, Katie realised Naomi was right. She looked at the toys, baskets of washing, a half-eaten muesli bar on the table. ‘Yes. I’m really determined,’ she said nodding her head.
‘Good on ya! Blake’s great at teaching adults to ocean swim. Maybe he could tempt you to dive after that?’ Naomi asked.
‘No! I don’t think so!’ Katie shook her head, alarmed at the idea.
‘Katie?’ Naomi’s voice was soft.
‘Yes?’
‘Everything OK with you and Tom?’
Katie looked up at her friend, at the gel nails, the pert chest, the deft application of a russet-coloured blusher, and realised how she must look. Slummy Mummy. Katie frowned. How dare she? Katie was pretty sure she didn’t want to share her feelings with Naomi, especially after what she’d seen at the barbecue.
‘Yes fine – you know, the kids are draining—’ She fiddled with her top, pulling it down, not wanting to discuss it further.
‘I can imagine – three must be a total handful. Maybe Ann should stop at one?’ she said checking her lipstick in the mirror, and running a beautifully manicured hand through her hair.
Just then, Rory crawled over towards the sofa. Katie bent down and stroked his hair. She picked him up and inhaled pure sweet baby.
‘Yeah, but who are we to judge her dreams?’ she said, looking back up at Naomi, who was applying more shiny lip gloss.
‘You’re right, but she seems so desperate,’ said Naomi, turning around. ‘It’s unhealthy – sometimes I don’t think she’ll stop at…’ Naomi shrugged, turned to the mirror again and put a stray hair back in place ‘…well, anything.’
24
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Dear K
Gosh I really miss you… Could do with a friendly face around here. My New Best Friend has barely talked to me at toddler group. I have no idea what I’ve done… and guess what? We’ve had no heating or hot water and no gas to cook with because the gas tank ran out. Nobody told us it would run out – anyway tank is buried in garden it appears – buried, like treasure – honestly!
Been pouring here for days now; builders traipsing in wet soil from the garden all the time, kitchen a tip… Anyway, one nice thing is that the architect was here today measuring up for the treehouse for Rosie.
Excuse me, ARCHITECT? Tree house! Rosie is a baby!
It’s going to cost quite a bit… Quotes started at £2,000. (Don’t tell Adam!) Never mind, it’s beautiful in the brochures – Rosie will love it. We’re going for the medieval one, with turrets. Can’t wait! Must dash, I can hear the doorbell. Sorry for whiny email. How are you?
Lx
Oh My God. Katie nearly choked on her coffee as she glanced at the time – 8.30 a.m. – time for the school run – what has had happened to Lucy?
Katie sat back in her chair and thought of Lucy in a draughty house with no heating and hot water and found that she was ashamed to count her blessings.
Suddenly the phone rang. ‘Katie, it’s Paul. Would you mind taking Ed to school today? Ann’s not up to it. I don’t want her driving, and I have to get to the marina urgently; the storm, one of the boats…’
‘What happened?’
‘One of the boats has lost its mooring…’
‘No! With Ann?’
‘Oh, yes, the op, you know, to collect the eggs – didn’t work. We don’t have any eggs; that means no embryos…’
‘Tell Ann I’ll be there in five minutes.’
*
Ed opened the door. ‘Mummy can’t get up. She’s in the lounge.’ Ann was slumped on the sofa, squeezing a tissue in her hand. Her eyes looked like she had applied damson-coloured eyeliner around them. ‘We failed again – at the first round…’ Her voice broke and the tears came.
‘God, Ann. You didn’t fail. It’s not your fault. There will be another chance, won’t there?’
‘If I can face it,’ she said trying to sit up on the sofa. ‘Paul thinks that I’m a failure…’ Huge wet tears gathered pace down her cheeks.
The rain outside was torrential. The two women sat in silence for a while and listened to nature’s orchestra: rain belting down on the roof, rivers of water cascading along the drain pipes and overflowing, then suddenly, a roar of thunder in the distance.
‘You just have so much hope, Katie. There I was, in the waiting room, so excited and nervous at the same time, all those people in there, too. I almost wanted to hug all the other women in the waiting room—’ her face broke into a sad smile ‘—but then of course you don’t.’ She squeezed a cushion in front of her. ‘But there’s no way of knowing if the eggs will be mature enough, big enough till they operate.’ She sighed.
Katie sat down next to her. Her eyes were hollow. She moved away slightly when Katie sat down.
‘They write the number of eggs on your hand, you know, and when I came round the first thing I did was stare at my hand. It was a number 2. Two eggs.’ She turned to Katie. ‘I was so, so relieved, but then…’ Her voice got quieter and tears travelled down her cheek again, halted only by the tiny hairs on her face. ‘Then the consultant came up to us to explain that although they had collected two, they weren’t mature… that we couldn’t go on to fertilise them. Oh God, Katie… I don’t know if I can do this.’
Suddenly Andy belted along the corridor in a toy car and Katie was jolted into remembering she had to take Ed and James to school.
‘’Course you can. Look, don’t move, I’ll get Ed to school,’ she said, standing up quickly.
Katie ushered him to put on his shoes and stopped by the doorway, smiled at Ann.
‘Katie?’
Ann was staring at her. There was a look about her Katie couldn’t place. ‘Thank you – I don’t deserve this kindness from you.’ She looked at the floor.
‘Don’t be silly. ’Course you do. I’ll see you later.’
When they got to school, Katie wandered along the corridor, knowing she had to fill in the ‘Late Book’. So what did you put in the neat spaces between the little faint blue lines? How could you summarise the IVF roller coaster; précis exactly the effects this emotional juggernaut had on the school run?
25
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Hi K
Rosie has started crawling! Can you believe it? The men have begun in the kitchen – ripping out cupboards and leaving hammers and nails everywhere. Yesterday I caught Rosie chewing a nail. A nail! I got the shock of my life. And guess what? I’m pregnant again! Think it was Sue and Jeremy’s wedding last month – remember Sue and Jeremy? (Always had naff handbags.)
Anyway, Adam had been in Northumberland for a few weeks looking at an organic strawberry supplier, got back that Saturday… too much champagne… what can I say? Baby due in eight months! Anyway NCT mum has really been a star! She’s been quite a darling, looking after Rosie for me with the builders here, turned into quite a good friend actually.
And we’re planning on getting more quotes for the treehouse in the garden – can’t wait. Write soon.
Lx
Closing down Katie felt a pang of something she couldn’t quite place: yup, it was that green-eyed little bloke. She’d been nudged down the queue. The wheels of life kept turning all over the world; it was just that you couldn’t hold on to more than one wheel at a time. With that thought, she heard a cab reverse back out in the driveway. She looked at the clock on the computer: 10 p.m. Tom had just come in from the airport.
‘God, I’m bushed.’ Tom took off his jacket and
gave her a quick hug. There was a curious smell about him. ‘Katie?’
She had to talk to him, tell him what James had mentioned in the car so that she nearly slammed into the jeep in front of her on the run home. ‘James has had a bullying incident at school,’ she said quietly.
‘Who was it?’
‘Clammed up on me. He said it didn’t matter.’
‘Really? I’ll chat to the principal tomorrow,’ said Tom, opening the fridge.
‘Chat all you like, but I bet this wouldn’t have happened at his old school…’ Even as she said it, she wasn’t sure that was true.
‘Honey, I think we all need a break. I know you’ve been with the kids twenty-four seven – and helping Ann – over the last week while I’ve been in Tokyo,’ he said pouring himself a vodka cranberry from his jug in the fridge.
She stared at him and something clicked. ‘Tom, wasn’t your flight in at 6 p.m.? How come you’re so late?’
‘Look, sweetheart,’ he said, putting his arms around her shoulders, ‘the stress of worrying about Ann and James is getting to you.’ He drained his glass and placed it on the side. ‘We have to be strong for James; we can’t run away from it,’ he said gingerly putting some of Katie’s hair behind her ears.
‘James is still a vulnerable little boy, scared at his own school… I want to take him away…’ Her tears were brimming again. Tom was right, she realised, it had a lot to do with James’s state of mind.
‘But we can’t do that, Katie – sends James the message that he can run away from it all,’ said Tom patting the sofa next to him. ‘And where would he run to?’
‘Back to England?’
‘And where would you rather be, Katie?’ Tom said, turning round and touching her hand gently as she sat down. ‘Would you really rather be at a Crouch End mothers’ group?’
Suddenly, she could smell that cold, dingy hall, see the pale-faced women – some of whom she still hadn’t really said hello to after six weeks going there after Andy had been born, clapping her hands with the Prozac-smiling mummies in a Baptist church. She felt peculiar, like she was betraying something in her heart by recognising that she was almost enjoying Australia.
