by Jane Carter
‘Hi Dad, how are you feeling? Philly’s here too.’ Rosie leant forward.
Diana stood back.
* * *
Patrick had come to pick her up and they were about to head back to Lost Valley.
‘Well, if you want, there’s plenty of room for you at our place,’ Rosie offered, standing beside Stella and Phillipa to say goodbye.
‘Thank you, but I think we’ll be heading back off to London, as soon as I can re-book our flights.’
‘Why?’ Stella asked.
‘Well, you’ll have your hands full with this patient.’ Diana tried to make a joke of it but couldn’t help the tremble of her lips.
‘Oh no, Diana, don’t leave.’ Her mother grabbed her arm and pulled her to the door. ‘Don’t you dare. It will kill him if you leave us now.’
‘Mum, that’s not fair. He’ll need peace and quiet, not three kids running around.’
Her mother sounded quite fierce. ‘Please, Diana, it will make such a difference for him knowing you’re around to help out.’
‘Mum,’ Diana started to feel slightly desperate, ‘you’ve got Mal and Rosie and Philly.’ But she was no match for that desperation in her mother’s eyes. ‘We’ll be at Patrick’s for a few days yet. We haven’t re-booked our flights. He’s taking me home now. The kids … I’ve got to go.’ She gestured vaguely.
‘Just leave it for a few days then, that would be perfect.’ There was no mistaking that look of satisfaction in her mother’s eye. Botheration.
Diana kissed her mother on the cheek and gave her a swift, hard hug. ‘Okay. Don’t worry, Mum, everything’s going to be all right now, isn’t it? It’s good news about Dad.’
Her mother closed her eyes for a moment and gave her a little nod. She was coping, but this had been a terrible twenty-four hours for her. Her eyes were too shiny. Diana wouldn’t do anything to make it worse for her parents. The question was, what was for the best?
She started off down the busy corridor. Hospitals were always full of people, nurses and doctors, physios and admin scurrying along, and the visitors who were much slower moving, looking as though they would much rather be anywhere but there. Where was home? It was where her children were. Pretty simple really.
* * *
Stella checked the beeping machine for the hundredth time. ‘Stop worrying. If you don’t stop asking after things at home, I am walking out of here now. Right now.’
‘Oh Stell.’ Tom closed his eyes and groaned as if in pain.
Stella leant back over him. ‘What’s the matter? Are you feeling all right?’
Tom opened one eye and couldn’t resist half a smile.
‘You wretch, stop doing that to me.’
‘You wouldn’t walk out on me now, I knew it.’ Tom chuckled. ‘Sit down, Stella, and tell me you love me again and not to leave you.’
‘What? You heard me?’ she whispered fiercely.
‘Yes, and the nurses, they told me, said how you kept on saying it. Over and over. I’m not leaving you, Stell,’ he said quietly, enveloping her hand in his large one.
‘Well, it was a close call. I wouldn’t like to see a closer one. We’re going on a holiday when you get over this and we are going to take things easy. I think it’s time to go, Tom, move on somewhere. Let Mal and Rosie take over. Why don’t we move into their house?’
‘Not much room there for Diana and the children, if they decide to come back?’ He raised one eyebrow.
‘As soon as you’re right, Diana’s going back to England. She thinks this is all her fault.’
‘Stupid girl. She really takes the cake for blaming herself for every blessed thing.’
‘Tom, I told her why we decided to give the farm to Rosie.’
‘Jeez, Stella, I thought we weren’t going to tell her, not after all this time. We agreed to let it lie.’
‘I was trying to get her to change her mind and stay. She was so angry, Tom. It may not have been the right thing, but it’s done now.’
‘Not much you can do about it then.’
‘No, um, Rosie was there too.’ Stella looked uncomfortable. ‘I just didn’t think, I was all fired up to get Diana to stay.’
‘Rosie won’t like that much.’
‘So where are we going to go?’ Stella felt so frustrated.
‘We’re going home, Stell. We’re going home.’
She looked into his blue eyes and shook her head slowly. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do with you, Tom Crawford, I really don’t. Bloody farmers. You enjoy pitting yourselves against the elements, don’t you? And you really believe that if it doesn’t rain tomorrow it will rain the day after, or next week. You’re so patient and strong, and so stubborn I feel like killing you, but then I realise I’d miss you far too much. You know, I really just love you all the more for it. I can’t help myself. What a fool.’ Stella lifted his calloused hand to her cheek and kissed it. They sat in silence in the small cubicle until they were interrupted by the arrival of Tom’s first meal on a tray.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
Diana left the children in the big sitting room in front of the fire, playing a board game, and walked into the spacious kitchen at Lost Valley.
‘Peace and quiet reigns. I think the morning’s exertions have worn them out.’
‘Well, you can hope, can’t you?’ Marnie laughed. ‘I’ll give them ten minutes.’
She was making pastry. Rolling and pulling it to her, and rolling it out again. Just like Diana with clay. She hadn’t even thought about clay for days now. ‘Mum and Dad and Rosie have just left Albury.’
‘Oh that’s so good.’ Marnie looked up. ‘I’m just making a chicken pie for you to take over.’
‘Well, I thought I’d go over now and warm the house up, find some flowers, you know.’
‘This will be ready to take in about five minutes. Why don’t you go and pick some of the flowers here? There must be a few early bulbs out, I saw some the other day. Then you could put this in the oven over there. It should only take about forty-five minutes.’
‘Thank you so much. You’ve all been so kind, I don’t know what I’d have done without you.’
Marnie came over and gave her a swift hug. ‘It’s been absolutely no trouble at all, you know that.’
‘Can I leave the kids? It’s just that I think Dad will be exhausted after the car trip.’
‘Sure, they’ll be fine.’ Marnie stopped, leaning on the rolling pin and wiping her hair out of her eyes. ‘Why doesn’t Patrick take you? He can chop wood or something useful.’
Diana laughed. Patrick chop wood? ‘No, there’s no need for me to inconvenience any one. I’ll be fine.’
‘It’ll be no trouble.’
‘What will be no trouble?’ Patrick and Sean had just walked in.
‘For you to take Diana home, to get everything ready for Tom and Stella,’ said Marnie.
‘I’m fine, really. There’s no need.’
‘Well,’ said Patrick, ‘I can take you over and you can pick up Tom’s ute and come and go whenever you like.’
Damn, a car would be useful. ‘If you’re sure it will be okay,’ Diana said stiffly. ‘Thank you.’
Marnie handed her some secateurs and pushed her out of the kitchen. Patrick followed her and silently watched as she cut some of the early jonquils and some white sasanquas. The bush was covered in them. The scent of the jonquils was almost overpowering.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Diana. ‘You must think me very ungrateful when you’ve been so kind.’
‘Relax. This has been a worrying time for you. Tom’s a good friend. Don’t you know I would do anything I could to make this time easier for him and Stella?’
‘Is that why you … you have this obsession for me?’ she suddenly flung at him wildly.
‘Calm down. No, it’s not.’ He took the secateurs from her, then the flowers, and dropped them on the ground. ‘You are entirely to blame for my obsession.’
And she was crushed in his arms. Sh
e could feel the zipper of his jacket digging into her side, smell the damp wool of his sweater, the cold on his lips and face, but she was warm. Tingling and warm.
‘I don’t want to commit to anyone,’ she ground out.
‘I can wait.’
‘No.’
Patrick looked at her helplessly. ‘Right. We’ll leave it.’
* * *
They went in the back door of the empty house at Mog’s Hill. It wasn’t locked. It had never been locked in her memory. Diana laid the flowers on the kitchen table and put the pie Marnie had given her on top of the oven. She turned the Aga on to warm up the house and heat the oven.
Patrick had followed her in. ‘Would you like me to start the fire in the sitting room?’
‘Thanks. I’m just going to change the sheets. And put these in water.’ She smiled at him. She was much calmer now. It was the right decision. For once she’d elected a cautious way forward. She’d let her emotions rule her head, far too often. Now she would go slowly. Surely she’d learnt something in forty years.
She changed the sheets in her parents’ room, put a little bowl of paperwhites and jonquils on the dresser and went into her bedroom to change the sheets on her bed. Five minutes later she was still there, sitting on the bed, the clean sheets clasped to her chest.
‘What’s wrong?’ Patrick stood at the door.
‘I’m losing Charlie.’ Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. ‘Mum bought this bed for us when we came back for our honeymoon. Five days, we were so miserable. But mostly we were very happy, in England we were happy.’ She sniffed. ‘But he’s going, I know he is. It’s so sad.’
‘It’s not sad. It has to happen this way. Anyway, you’ll never lose Charlie. Every time you look into your children’s faces you’ll see him. He’s with you forever.’
‘That’s right, isn’t it? Why aren’t you jealous?’ she asked him curiously.
‘I fell in love with all of you. You were Charlie’s wife. You have three children. You’re Tom and Stella’s daughter. You have a freckle there.’ He touched her face gently. ‘I can’t separate any of that from the essence that is you. I just want you to realise that I am here, Charlie is not.’
‘Well, why am I having such a problem? Why do I feel so terrified, so out of my depth?’
‘I’m sorry, Diana. You’re not ready. Maybe one day you’ll feel like talking to me about it. Until then, we can be friends. How about that?’
Friends. Did she want that? What if she said yes, what if they could be together? What if she said yes?
‘Oh Patrick, I can’t substitute you for Charlie just because he’s dead and you’re alive. I know there’s chemistry between us but as you said before, the timing’s all wrong. I have to go back.’
‘I know. I don’t have to like it, but I know.’
‘The children need to go home, and I need to return to England. We need to heal, Patrick. And we’ve got to do it by moving forward, not ignoring it. I’m pleased, in one way, we came back. But it wasn’t the solution. Maybe we’re ready now to move on, I hope so.’ She pushed him away, frustrated. ‘I’m not me, can’t you see, it’s like I’m only half a person. You deserve more than that. I’ve got to get myself back first. Do you understand?’ she asked, searching his face.
‘I can wait.’
‘No, Patrick. I just don’t know what the new me will consist of. Just friends, you said. Please be my friend.’
She’d done it this time.
Her head was pressed against his chest and his arms held her. Lights from a car swung round into the room.
‘Oh, oh, I can hear a car.’
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Her father was white-faced and looked old, really old. Her mother even seemed quite shaken. They looked so pleased to be home as they sat and drank their tea. Rosie looked a little anxious to be off, understandably, as she hadn’t seen Mal for three days. Patrick had left already.
First, things had to be sorted.
‘What kind of help do you want, Mum, for now?’
For the first time in her life, her mother looked a little uncertain. Diana couldn’t believe she hadn’t worked it all out.
‘I think, maybe you could give us a couple of days first, by ourselves. Can you stay with Patrick for a couple of days? Then you’ll be back to stay here, won’t you? Dad will need some help, just for a little while.’
Stay. No, they wouldn’t be back to stay.
‘I’m sure Mal will be here if you want something.’ Rosie cut in.
‘We’ll be right at Patrick’s, and I can come over to help you with showers. I don’t think you need the children around just at the moment,’ Diana said firmly.
‘I can do all that,’ Tom spoke up crossly. ‘I’ll be right enough in a day or two.’ He was so embarrassed with all this attention. ‘I think I might go and lie down for a minute.’ They all went to the bedroom with him. He refused to undress, pulled his boots off and lay on the bed with an eiderdown thrown over him. ‘Stop fussing.’ He glowered at them all and they retreated.
‘I’m glad I’ve got you girls together for a minute. Just a minute, Rosie, sit down please. I need to talk to you both.’ Stella waved the teapot at them. They nodded and sat down.
Stella hesitated. ‘The only way is to jump right in. We’ve decided that we’re staying here at Mog’s Hill, health permitting, but the doctor sounded positive. He said with a little care, eating the right food and so on, your father will be fine. All those depression symptoms are more than likely health-related. High cholesterol. Really, the heart attack has been a blessing in disguise.’ She took a shaky breath, and looked first at Diana and then at Rosie. ‘I know this might be a shock for you, Rosie, but that’s the way it’s going to be. One thing I realised, sitting beside that hospital bed, was that your father loves this place so much. He loves his sheep, and this is what he wants to do with the rest of his life. So that’s it. For the meantime, we’re staying here.’ She filled her own mug but Diana noticed her hand was trembling slightly. ‘So we can offer you a home, Diana, for you and the children. Don’t go back to England, please.’
Diana was rooted in shock. Rosie exploded.
‘Well, I guess we’ve got our answer. Thank you very much for nothing. Twenty years of promises. I can’t believe you can sit there and just calmly tell us that you’re staying on here. That you’re ruining my life—mine and Mal’s and Phillipa’s—just so Diana has a home! I don’t believe it!’ She shook her head violently at the proffered mug of tea.
Diana took her mug and went to her favourite place, leaning against the Aga stove. How could her mother have said such things? Rosie had every right to be furious. She’d probably never talk to her again.
‘You don’t understand, Rosie, this is about your father and me, what he and I need. We’re just not ready to leave here. These last few days have defined what’s important for us. He still wants to breed his sheep, and get up in the morning and stand on the back verandah with his mug of tea and decide what needs doing for the day. He wants the worry of whether it’s going to rain. Life is a series of challenges for a farmer and he, we want to face them.’ She shrugged. ‘We aren’t leaving.’ She glanced briefly at Diana. ‘I’m sorry if you have to put the Diana interpretation on it. She needs a home at the moment, and she has one here as long as she needs it.’
Stella turned to Rosie and looked at her steadily. ‘You still get the farm, darling, when we die or when we have to move. Diana, you will eventually have Peg’s house to do with what you want. I’m sorry there’s not much of a fair share, but we did promise Rosie and Mal.’ She grimaced. ‘And to give you an equal share means Mog’s Hill would have to be sold. And that would break your father’s heart.’
‘Mum, it was never about the money,’ said Diana. ‘I just always saw myself as the farmer in the family, and coming home to help Dad, it was all I ever wanted to do.’
‘But you had so much talent. They all told us that and we wanted to give you a chan
ce and we felt something drastic had to be done.’
‘Damn it all, why didn’t you tell me that?’
‘We just didn’t realise how hard you were going to take it. I only hope now you’re a parent you can understand a little better. It’s so hard to make decisions—the right thing for you, Rosie, and the right thing for Diana. But now this is the only right thing for us.’ Stella looked pleadingly from Rosie to Diana. She put out her arm but Rosie shook it off and walked away.
‘So, this has been about Diana all along. I should have guessed. Well, now she’s back, you obviously don’t need me here anymore.’ Rosie had turned for the door.
‘Hang on a minute.’ Diana found her voice and reached out to stop her sister from leaving. ‘You’re not going anywhere. I’ve had this situation up to here. Twenty years ago you and Dad decided, arbitrarily, that I was to have a career,’ Diana accused her mother. ‘Not that you seemed to care how I achieved it. I put my head down and did it anyway. Five months ago my husband died in an accident. It was okay none of you came over to the funeral—I understood that. All I asked for was a little time to have some support—dare I ask, loving support—for just a few weeks. To come home to my family, for just a few weeks, in twenty years. Jesus! And what happens? You’re all embroiled in this family succession war that I never had a part in. Never. It’s nothing to do with me. Do you understand, Rosie? Nothing!’
‘How dare you say nothing,’ Rosie said. ‘Seventy, was the plan. Dad was going to retire at seventy. But you come home and now it’s never, not until Dad dies. Try thinking what this has done to my husband. Mog’s Hill has been like a millstone around his neck. We could have done so many things, and now it’s too late.’
Rosie glared at both of them and then stormed out of the kitchen, the door slamming shut behind her. Diana and her mother looked at each other aghast.
‘Diana, we really thought we were doing the right thing.’ Her mother looked stricken. ‘But you were so unforgiving. You pushed us away.’
‘Mum, I got my strength from having to show you all I could do it. I’m not sure I’d have made it otherwise. In hindsight we can be very wise. Who knows what would have happened if you had told me the truth? The fact is you didn’t tell me for twenty years. It makes me so mad. Patrick makes me mad, putting all this pressure on me to make decisions about him. I don’t want to make decisions. I’m not ready to decide anything. I just wish Rosie would … grow up some more.’ Diana sat sprawled at the table and put her head in her hands and groaned.
