And I thought of her.
A brave girl with gorgeous hazel eyes who was selfless and giving and possessed a heart of gold. She backed me no matter what I did, believing in me, trusting me, through thick and thin. She was amazing. She didn’t fault me for the horrible things I’d done. She saw goodness in me, even when I didn’t. She held my hand when I needed comfort, snuggled close to my side when I needed warmth. Her presence, her touch soothed my battered soul, and made me want to live. Made me want to be worthy of her. Made me want to fight off the evil and come back to the land of the living.
I kept her in my thoughts, refusing to let her go. She was my light. My sun. My Jessica. Blinded by her brightness, by her beauty, I clung to her memory, holding onto it tightly.
Then a dark shadow loomed closer, swirling around, threatening to overtake me, threatening to block out her light.
No.
I jerked awake, my heart pounding. Gradually, I became aware of my surroundings. I was in my apartment, in my bed. Something soft and warm curled against my back. Jessica. Her small body fit snugly against me, her arm around my waist, her legs tangled with mine.
She was here. She’d stayed by my side, never leaving me. She should have gone, taken her sister and left, especially after I’d said those cruel things to her. Yet she was still here. Warmth spread throughout my body, centering in my chest. My throat tightened with emotion. Yeah. Emotion. I was feeling things. Really feeling things now.
I had to be dreaming. This couldn’t be real. Was I dead?
I rolled toward her, pulling her into my arms. She didn’t disappear in a swirl of smoke. Instead, she stirred, mumbling something incoherent, and snuggled closer against me.
No. It wasn’t a dream. She was real. She really was here with me. In my bed.
I brushed a lock of hair away from her face and pressed my lips to hers. I loved that sexy mouth of hers. So soft and kissable.
Her eyes fluttered open. “Tracker?”
Oh yeah, she was real. I kissed her again, longer, deeper, sweeping my tongue in deep to tangle with hers. She moaned softly, leaning into me, kissing me back. I soon became lost in her, swept away by the feelings she aroused in me. All I could think, smell, taste, breathe was Jess.
“Tracker.” She leaned away, her hands coming up to touch my face while she scrutinized me. She felt along my brow, over my nose, across my jaw…
“Am I dreaming?” she whispered. “Are you really alive?”
I chuckled. “That’s what I’ve been asking myself ever since I woke.”
She ran a finger over my bottom lip, then kissed me again. “You’re really awake.” Her voice was full of wonder. “You pulled through.” Her eyes filled with tears. She swallowed hard. “It’s been days, Tracker. I thought you were going to die. We all did.” She hugged me then, tightly, smashing her small breasts against my chest. I hugged her back, loving the way she fit so perfectly against me, loving that she cared about me enough to stick around instead of leaving when she had the chance. Why had she stayed?
My chest tightened. My throat clogged with emotion. God. How could I send her away? I was a mess without her. I needed her. So damn much.
You can’t keep her, Tracker. You have to let her go.
What if I don’t want to? What if I want to keep her forever?
Then you’re a selfish bastard. You can’t put her through that. She deserves better than you. She deserves the kind of life you could never give her.
She leaned away again and looked into my eyes. “How do you feel?”
“Tired,” I admitted. Afraid. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was afraid. Afraid of losing her.
But I had to let her go. I had to. I’d tried to make myself worthy of her, but it didn’t matter. This was no life for her. I had nothing worth offering. Nothing of value to give her. I was a dreg.
I kissed her again before she could protest, rolling over on top of her. I would keep her for a few more days, take advantage of her presence. Try to get my fill. I would make love to her as many times as I could, drawing it out slowly, building the anticipation, the desire…that first time with her had been so damn beautiful. She’d taken me to another realm, a world I hadn’t known existed. I wanted that again. I could no longer deny I felt something for her. Something powerful.
“I’m horny as hell,” I growled, nipping her ear. “I want you.”
She laughed softly and pushed against my chest. “You just woke from a three-day coma. You’re in no condition to be having sex.”
“I’ll be the one deciding that.” I let out a soft growl and kissed her again. Long. Slow. Deep. She made a sound of protest.
“Tracker,” she whispered. “We can’t–”
I pulled her bottom lip between my teeth, gently sucked. She moaned softly and then she surrendered, relaxing beneath me with a breathless sigh, her arms coming around me. She kissed me back urgently, her tongue brushing against mine. The fact that I could make her feel as good as she made me feel was a heady feeling. She wanted me. Truly wanted me. And God that made me feel good.
Then guilt swept through me as I recalled what I’d done to her in the workout room. I’d been rough, almost violent, taking her against the wall, trying to rid myself of the pain of Gordon’s death. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, leaning back. “For what I did to you that day in the workout room. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I was a selfish bastard. Please forgive me.”
She grabbed my chin and looked into my eyes. “You didn’t hurt me, Tracker. I wanted to be there for you. There’s nothing to forgive.”
Was she being truthful?
“I promise I’ll never be a selfish prick like that ever again.”
She brushed her fingers through my hair. “It’s all right. I enjoyed it.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t deserve this woman. But God help me, I wanted her, so damn much.
Now. I needed her now.
“Take it off.” I pulled at her shirt. “I need you naked, right now.”
She squirmed free of the shirt and tossed it aside, her gaze never leaving mine. I lowered my head and suckled those gorgeous breasts, first one, then the other. Lick, suck, then nip gently with my teeth. Over and over. She whimpered and moaned, arching against me. I loved that I could drive her wild like this. I loved that she was mine. Mine.
How the hell was I going to let her go?
The sound of my apartment door opening and closing, then footsteps heading toward us slowly penetrated my senses. Shit.
I rolled away from her, grabbing the covers and yanking them over us just as Nate entered the room. Jessica let out a squeak and snuggled up against me. I glared at Nate as he paused at the end of the bed.
“Don’t you know how to knock?” I growled.
He glanced at Jess’s red face, then back at me. His lips twitched. Bastard. He thought this was funny?
Nate cleared his throat. “Welcome back to the land of the living. We weren’t sure if you were going to make it. Let me check your vitals, then I’ll leave you two alone.” He removed a blood pressure cuff from his bag and wrapped it around my arm.
I continued to glare at him. “Seriously, Nate? Can’t you come back later? We’re a little busy here.”
He snickered, squeezing the pump of the cuff until it tightened around my arm, then slowly puffed out. “I’ll be out of your hair in a moment. If you’re going to be having sex, I want to make sure you’re up to it first.” He winked at Jessica.
She blushed and giggled, burrowing into my side.
“110 over 60. That’s great. You’re back in the normal range.” Nate removed the cuff and set it aside. Next, he stuck one of those annoying thermometers in my ear, checking my temperature. “98.6. Right on, brother.” He grinned. Then he pulled out a stethoscope and yanked the covers away from us. Jessica let out a soft squeal and reached for the covers, pulling them back over herself.
“You’re testing my patience here, asshole,” I snarle
d in warning.
Nate sent Jess an apologetic look. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to do that.” He looked at me and chuckled. “Chill out, Tracker. Let’s check your heart. It was going double time when I last checked it. If you’re going to be doing something strenuous like sex, then we need to make sure you can handle it first.”
“Jesus,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. “Now you’re just being an ass. Can’t you go the fuck away?” I didn’t need to be emasculated in front of Jess. I was fine. A little tired and weak, but otherwise fine.
Ignoring me, Nate pressed the stethoscope over my heart and listened. Then he pressed it on the other side of my chest, then against the left side of my stomach, then the other side of my stomach. “Sit up,” he ordered. “I need to check your lungs.”
With an angry snarl, I bolted upright and endured his administrations a little longer while he pressed the stethoscope at several difference places along my back and asked me to inhale deeply. He deliberately took his time until he finally put everything back in his bag. “Lungs sound fine.”
I laid back down, yanking the covers over me, glaring at him the entire time. “You done now, asshole?”
Nate rose, his eyes full of mischief as he looked down at us. “I’d say you’re going to be fine, Tracker. You’re one lucky bastard. I don’t know what The General gave you, but you somehow fought it off.” He headed for the door. “You can have sex whenever you feel like it. But the other dregs are going to want to see you, so you might want to wait a bit, or you’ll give them an eye full.”
He glanced back with a smirk, winking at Jess.
I grabbed the closest thing I could find—a book off the nightstand—and chucked it at him. He dodged the book just in time, laughing softly.
“Get out!” I shouted. “And lock the door behind you. If you send anyone else in here right now, I’ll kick your fucking ass.”
Nate’s laughter floated back to us. “I’ll gladly meet you in the ring when you’re up to it. Later, man.” He went out and closed the door.
I glared after him. Asshole. I wasn’t sure if he had locked the door or not. But I wasn’t about to have anyone walking in on us again. Nate had ruined the mood, anyway. And my stomach was growling.
Jessica rose from the bed and pulled her shirt over her head. “I’ll get you something to eat. You’re probably starving. The other dregs will want to see you, you know. We have to let them know you’re okay. Then, later, I’ll join you in there and we can finish what we started.” Her gaze locked on mine. Anticipation crackled between us.
“I’ll hold you to that.”
She smiled and went into the kitchen.
I sighed, staring after her. As much as I craved Jessica, as much as I needed her, I had to let her go. Though I desperately longed to lock the door and have her all to myself—forever—I couldn’t put her in danger anymore. Even with The General dead, The Company still might come for me. Life with me might never be safe. I was still dangerous. I was still a dreg.
And God help me, if I touched her again, I’d never be able to let her go.
So, I had no choice but to set her free.
Before I killed her.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Jessica
The other dregs trickled in to see Tracker while I fixed him dinner. First Logan and Noah came. Then Luke. Ryan was apparently still in bed from his bullet wound, but Luke informed us he was recovering well and that he would be up and about soon. Tracker ate while he visited with each of them. It was obvious to me how loyal they were to each other, which explained why Jacob’s betrayal upset them so much. But certainly, they would all have done the same thing if they were in Jacob’s situation?
Tony came in after the others left. I was just cleaning up Tracker’s dishes and taking them to the kitchen to wash as he came in the door. He glanced at me briefly, but he didn’t say anything before he walked into Tracker’s room.
Their murmured voices reached me as I washed the dishes, but I wasn’t able to make out what they said. A few minutes later, Tony left.
When I went back to check on Tracker, he was lying back with his eyes closed. I started to turn away, thinking he was asleep, but his words halted me.
“Will you lay with me for a bit?”
I jerked my gaze to his. His eyes were soft, a vulnerable, unguarded expression on his face. Was Tracker finally letting down his guard? I moved up to the bed and slid under the covers next to him. He breathed out a sigh and pulled me against him. Neither one of us spoke. We just lay there, comfortable together, our bodies snuggling close.
“I remember some of my past now,” he whispered, his breath tickling my ear. “I remember my mother a little.”
“What was she like?” I asked, eager to learn more.
“She was kind, gentle. Like you. I remember that much. I remember her warning me to be cautious, alert for danger. But I was just a cocky kid, thinking I was invincible. I think she knew The General was coming for me and tried to keep me from that.” He sighed. “I wish I’d listened to her.”
I placed my hand over his and squeezed. “It probably wouldn’t have mattered. The General had plans for you from the start. I don’t think anything would have stopped him.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” He grew silent and I waited, sensing there was more.
“You asked me once about my tattoo. I had it done after we escaped. Some of the other dregs had tattoos done at the same time. We wanted something to remind us we were alive, that we had survived the unthinkable. I put it on my back because I didn’t want to see it all the time, but I wanted to know it was there. I wanted to see it every once in a while to remember I’d survived hell. Sometimes, when I’m feeling weak, I’ll turn around in front of the mirror and look at that tattoo to remind myself I’m strong and that if I survived what I went through, then I can survive anything.”
I squeezed his hand again. “Yes, you are strong. You’re a survivor. You’re a good man, Tracker. And it’s a beautiful tattoo.”
He grew silent again. He slipped his large hand over mine and his body relaxed against me. It was as if now that he’d told me what he’d wanted to say, he could relax. Moments later, he was asleep. I stayed there for several more minutes, listening to him breathe, feeling his warmth against me, enjoying this rare connection. Then I carefully slid out of the bed. He needed rest so he could fully recover.
I tiptoed out of his bedroom and closed the door so that no one would disturb him. Then I went to see how Eliza was doing. I had basically abandoned her to look after Tracker these past few days. Now I needed to make sure she was all right.
I entered Gordon’s old apartment, my heart pinching once again when I thought of Gordon and how good of a friend he’d been to Tracker. I could never replace that special bond Tracker and Gordon had shared, but I hoped I could help fill the empty void in Tracker’s life now that his best friend was gone. I wasn’t sure what our future held. Before, Tracker had wanted me to leave. Now, I didn’t know what he wanted. He’d shared private things with me. He’d made himself vulnerable. Did he want me to stay? Or would he expect me to leave? How could I say goodbye to the man I now loved more than anything in the world?
Eliza and Hazel were sitting in the recliner near the far wall. Eliza was reading a children’s book to the adorable little girl.
“Hi Jess.” Eliza glanced up at me. “How’s Tracker doing?”
“Much better. Nate says he thinks Tracker’s going to be fine now.”
She smiled. “That’s good.”
The child eyed me with big blue eyes. I smiled and waved, which produced a shy smile and a wave in return from Hazel.
“She’s so cute.” I knelt before the chair. “I’ll take over if you need a break.”
Eliza nodded. “Yeah, that would be great.” She rose from the chair, passing the little girl over to me. I settled back into the recliner with Hazel on my lap. Eliza turned back at me. “Jacob said something about checking to make sure some Army general
guy was dead. He asked me if the other dregs killed him. I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I figured you would. He said even if the other dregs had killed this person, that more soldiers might still come here and try to kill us. So he asked if I’d watch Eliza until he came back. I’m going to go take a nap now.”
Though The General was dead, Jacob was right. Others might come here to kill the dregs. Which meant we were all in danger.
How long would Jacob be gone? Were the other dregs being cautious, alert for danger? They had to be. They weren’t stupid. I believed wholeheartedly that they would keep us safe.
“Okay.” I smiled up at Eliza. “Take your time. I’ll watch her until Jacob returns.”
Eliza walked into the bedroom and closed the door.
I reopened the book. “Show me where Eliza left off.”
Hazel turned a few pages for me, then smacked the page. “Right here.”
My heart melted. She was so dang cute. Poor thing must be suffering without her mother. Jacob had seemed pretty helpless and I suspected he’d not been around her much, if at all, before he’d brought her here. My heart went out to Jacob. I didn’t think he was a bad guy. He’d just done what he’d had to do to protect his child. Tracker hadn’t said a word about it to me. Did he forgive Jacob for his betrayal?
I read Hazel the rest of that story, then grabbed another book from the small stack of children’s books sitting on the end table next to the recliner.
“Are these your books?” I asked her.
She nodded. “Daddy brought them.”
I hesitated. “Does your daddy read these to you?”
Hazel stared down at her lap. “No. Mommy did. Daddy doesn’t like me. He’s scared of me.”
That didn’t surprise me. This gorgeous child would likely scare all the dregs. They were fierce warriors, but they probably had no clue what to do with a kid.
“And are you afraid of him?” I asked gently.
She nodded, whispering, “Yes.”
I gave her a gentle squeeze. “Does he hurt you?”
This time she gave a negative shake of her head. That was good.
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