“For such a strong man, he’s a coward,” I whispered, a tear trickling down my cheek.
Nate cleared his throat. “Give him a break, Jessica. He’s never known happiness before. He’s never known love. I don’t think he even knows what love is, to be honest with you. I don’t think he’s fully aware of how he feels about you, but I know it’s tearing him up inside. He’s a mess right now. Letting you go isn’t easy for him, either.” Nate grew silent then, letting me ponder his words.
Eliza reached over and squeezed my hand. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying my best to ignore the overwhelming pain in my heart.
What Nate said didn’t matter. It was too late, anyway. Tracker had made his decision.
I was gone.
And I was never coming back.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
Tracker
Tracking the enemy, or a target, required my complete attention. I couldn’t be distracted while out in the field. Distractions meant fuck-ups. Distractions meant death.
Jessica had been a distraction from the moment she’d come into my life.
She still distracted me, even though she’d been gone for a week now. Nate had taken her and Eliza to my place in Idaho, then he’d come back. He’d made sure the house was stocked with plenty of food and other necessities, then had driven across the country back to Georgia. Staying away from Jess was the only way I knew how to protect her.
But God, I missed her. If I’d hardly slept before she came into my life, I slept even less now. She was constantly in my thoughts, in my dreams.
The dregs had all returned to the facility where we’d been prisoners. Jacob had been right. The place was deserted. The General was dead and gone. Had The Company shut down? We kept guard every day, one of us always stationed near the entrance to the underground maze, just in case.
But no one came for us.
Jacob and his kid had kept their distance from us the past week, which was good. If I saw him, I’d just want to take my pain and frustration out on him. If he was smart, he’d leave this place soon, before one of us decided to punish him for his betrayal. None of us were happy that he was still here, and if it weren’t for his kid, I’m sure one of us would have already killed him by now.
Assuming we could get a hold of him. Jacob was by far the best fighter I’d ever known. None of us had the supreme fighting skills he did. He was a natural. Fluid, graceful, athletic, elusive. Watching him in action was impressive. I’d always admired his skills. The man moved like a phantom. I just wished he’d move like a phantom out of this place so I wouldn’t have to ever see him again and be reminded of his betrayal.
Another week passed. It had now been two weeks since I’d sent Jess away. My leg didn’t ache anymore. It didn’t hurt to walk from one place to the next. I could only assume the experimental drug The General had given me was somehow healing the bone in my leg. Why else would the pain have gone away? Why else did my thigh no longer ache with each step?
Still no soldiers came to take us out. My gut told me that Jacob had killed the only ones who’d found our hideout. It would be awhile—maybe never—before any others found this place. Though we couldn’t completely let down our guard, it seemed this place was safe once again.
Had I been wrong to send Jessica away? Had I been wrong to hurt the only woman who’d ever meant anything to me?
But this wasn’t a place for a woman, living underground. She deserved sunlight and fresh air, trees and flowers and the smell of earth, the beauty of life surrounding her. Not a concrete tunnel.
But even if The Company had temporarily given up searching for us, I still wasn’t safe. I would never be safe. I couldn’t trust myself to not accidentally hurt her. And the bounties might remain on our heads for years to come. We might never be free.
I worked out more than usual after Jessica left, finding I needed release from the pain, from the demons raging inside me. I had sparred with each of the dregs several times these past two weeks, needing a good beating to help dull the pain inside me. I had run on the treadmill until my calves and thighs burned. I had lifted weights until my biceps nearly burst from the pain. I had beat on the punching bag until my entire body throbbed from abuse. But nothing dulled the ache inside me, the pain of what I’d done. I’d destroyed the only good I’d ever had in my life. And there was no getting her back.
“You look like you need a good fight, man. Beating on that bag will never be enough. You need to actually hit someone.”
I glanced up from the punching bag that I’d been attacking aggressively as Tony approached me. Nate was in the corner lifting weights and Logan was running on the treadmill. The other dregs weren’t around.
“What do you say, amigo? Wanna spar? Want to get all that pent-up pain and frustration out of your system? Want another person to beat on?”
His black eyes glinted with something I couldn’t name. Sometimes I questioned Tony’s mental stability. Did he feel as miserable as I did?
“Yeah, I could use a good fight.” I unwrapped the gloves and tossed them aside. I wanted him to beat the living shit out of me. I wanted physical pain that was so severe it completely blocked out the emotional pain raging inside me.
Tony smirked. “After you.”
Nate caught my eye from across the room. He still wasn’t happy with me for sending Jess away. None of the dregs were. But Nate was the only one who’d bitched about it. The others hadn’t said a word to me, though I’d seen the disappointment in their eyes. They all liked Jess—even Tony, the woman-hater.
Nate watched us as we entered the ring. Then he set the weights aside and approached, waiting to see if we needed him to referee. I didn’t need him. I wasn’t going to tap out, no matter how bad it got. Today I needed the pain. Today I wanted to feel every punch, every strike, every ounce of pain. Today I needed punishment.
For what I’d done.
In typical Tony style, he came at me before I’d even turned all the way to face him. He slammed into me with a grunt, taking me backward. I stumbled, then went down hard, Tony landing roughly on top of me. He immediately went for a choke hold, squeezing his forearm against my throat.
“You’re a fucking idiot, Tracker,” he sneered, his black gaze boring into mine. “You find a good woman, a strong, brave woman who loves you, then you stupidly kick her aside. What the fuck’s wrong with you? Don’t you know what the rest of us would give to have that?”
What? Tony was pissed at me for sending Jess away? I wheezed against the pressure against my throat.
Then I came to my senses and broke free. Tony smiled and backed away, letting me go, that gleam in his eye again. He had a sadistic, violent streak in him that sometimes got out of control. I wanted him to unleash that violence on me.
We circled each other warily, our gazes locked. “You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know,” I growled. “But it’s too late. I sent her away. I fucked up.” I lunged at him, slamming into his legs. This time he went down first with me on top of him. He rolled sideways, slipping out of my reach, and bounded to his feet.
“Yeah, you did. Gordon sacrificed himself for you, you stupid ass, so you could be happy. But what do you do? You go throw it all away, making his sacrifice be for nothing.” There was a look of pure menace in his black eyes as he glared at me.
“What are you talking about?” I growled.
We danced around each other, watching, waiting, not quite touching. “I overhead him telling Jessica that when she told him she should have stayed instead of him. He said he did it for you, so you could be happy with her.”
What? My heart squeezed. Gordon had done that for me? My breath hitched. I gasped, struggling for air. Fuck, I needed to be punished for my stupidity. I needed the pain. I needed Tony to kick my ass.
“Come on,” I urged, waving him closer. “Kick my ass. I need it. Fuck, I need it.”
Tony’s eyes filled with menace. “Gladly.”
We rammed together wi
th a thud, arms grappling for a hold. He twisted his foot around my ankle, tripping me. And down I went. Tony landed on top of me, pulling my arm back and wrenching it up tightly in an arm bar. I gritted my teeth at the pain, but I refused to tap out.
Nate rushed into the ring, staying just out of our way, ready to intervene if necessary.
“More,” I snarled, “I need more pain. Fucking give it to me!”
Tony snickered. “You asked for it.” He pulled my arm even higher until something popped in my shoulder. I hissed at the pain, but still refused to tap out.
Gordon’s words came back to me then, as if he were standing right here beside me.
This here is one fine woman. If you’re smart, you won’t let her go.
Ah hell.
Jess’s face swirled in my mind, her cheeks streaked with tears, her eyes full of hurt.
And her words, right before I’d walked away…
I love you. Never, as long as I live, will I love someone the way I love you.
My heart pinched. No one had ever told me that before.
If I walk out that door, I’m never coming back.
Goddammit, what had I done? I’d sent her away. And for what? I’d convinced myself it was for her own safety. But it was more than that. It had been my own fear that had forced me to push her away. I didn’t deserve her. I wasn’t good enough for her. I never would be.
I love you. Never, as long as I live, will I love someone the way I love you.
My breath caught. My throat tightened with emotion. And I loved her. I loved her. So damn much. I swallowed hard. My eyes swam with tears.
Then I broke, unable to ignore the pain any longer.
I opened my mouth and screamed in agony.
“Fuck Tony, let him go!” Nate yanked Tony back away from me. But Nate couldn’t know the agony inside me was so much worse than the pain in my arm. That was why I screamed. For what I’d done to Jess. I’d hurt her. I’d sent her away instead of keeping her close. Instead of telling her I loved her. I’d let Gordon’s sacrifice be for nothing.
“He was itching for a fight,” Tony argued. “You heard him. He needed that.”
I crumbled forward on the mat, drawing in great, rasping breaths. Yeah, I’d needed that. I think he might have dislocated my shoulder. But he’d forced me to admit the truth.
I loved her.
I let out a near-hysterical laugh, then sobbed, bowing my head. Love. I could now say I knew what love was. But I’d stupidly thrown it away as soon as I’d found it.
Nate knelt in front of me. “It’s not too late, you know,” he said quietly. “You know where she is.”
I lifted my gaze, my eyes stinging with tears. “I fucked up. I hurt her. She’ll never have me now.” What had I done?
Tony snorted from where he stood to my left.
I jerked my gaze up to him. “What’s so funny, asshole? Want another round?”
He quirked a brow. “You can’t handle another round. You’re a mess, amigo. I can’t believe you’re a quitter. Why don’t you just go to her and tell her you love her?”
I stared into his hard, black gaze. He was serious. Was this really Tony urging me to go to Jess? Tony, who hated women?
I sat up, groaning softly, my injured arm throbbing as it hung loosely by my side. “You fucked me up, Tony.”
Tony grinned. “I know. You needed something to wake you the fuck up. We’re all sick and tired of you moping around here. Did it work?”
I let out a soft laugh. Motherfucker. “Yeah. It did.”
Nate rose to his feet. “Come on. Tony and I will reset your shoulder. Then you’re getting your sorry ass on your bike, and you’re riding across the country to her. Got it? We don’t need you here. Go live your life. Go be happy.”
He held a hand out to me. I drew in a deep breath, then slipped my hand in his and allowed him to pull me to my feet.
“Yeah.” My heart warmed. “I got it.” Go be happy.
I was going after her. I would make sure Gordon’s sacrifice hadn’t been for nothing.
I loved her. Loved her. Why had it taken Tony dislocating my shoulder for me to realize that? God, I was a stubborn fool. I fucking loved her.
And I was going to tell her that.
But what if it was too late?
CHAPTER FIFTY
Jessica
Tracker’s home was a large, log-cabin style building nestled back in the trees. It was secluded, and the nearest neighbor was several miles away. It was beautiful here, peaceful, deep in the pines. I had no doubt Eliza and I were a lot safer here than in Georgia.
Nate had left a large stack of money on the kitchen counter for us. He’d said it should be enough to get us by for a while. He’d also unlocked a big metal safe in the corner of one of the bedrooms and handed me a key fob to a vehicle.
“This goes to the Jeep in the garage. Tracker said you can use the Jeep for whatever you need. It’s been sitting for a while, so I hooked the battery up to a charger to give it some juice. It should be fully charged by tomorrow. Just go out in the morning and unplug the charger and remove the battery cables. Then start the car up and let it run for a few minutes before you go anywhere. You shouldn’t have any problems.”
I’d nodded. That seemed simple enough.
Nate hadn’t stayed long, obviously anxious to get back to Georgia. Once he was gone, Eliza and I explored our new living quarters.
It was so calm and peaceful here, the smell of pines filling the air, the forest alive with wildlife, but I was so miserable I couldn’t really enjoy it. I could easily see why Tracker had purchased this place. But I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t here, enjoying it himself. If this were my home, I would certainly live here rather than in an underground maze back in Georgia.
Tracker’s home was fully furnished, and the decorations were nothing like those in his apartment, which led me to believe he’d either purchased a fully furnished home or he’d hired someone to come in and decorate it for him. It had large windows throughout, letting in the gorgeous view from every room. The bedrooms had log-post bedframes and fancy wooden furniture. The kitchen and bathroom areas had ceramic-tiled floors and marble countertops. The living room and family room areas had newer, brown leather furniture and big-screen televisions on the walls. The kitchen had fancy walnut cabinets and a large center island. Tracker had an office/library room that contained shelves and shelves of hardback books. It was truly a beautiful home. But it felt empty without him. I felt empty without him. As soon as I was able, I was taking Eliza and moving to our own place.
As soon as I was able.
When would that be? The truth was, I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to give up hope that someday Tracker would come home. I wanted to see him again so badly. I missed him so much. But how long should I wait? I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with myself anymore. Should I sign up to take the state bar here in Idaho? I could practice law here as easily as down in Georgia.
And there were no gang wars here.
After two weeks, I finally came to the decision to stop moping around and do something with myself. It was time to plan for mine and Eliza’s future. We couldn’t stay here forever, hoping for Tracker’s return. So I signed up for the bar exam and enrolled Eliza in the local high school. Since it was early August now, I had several weeks to study before the exam in September. Eliza would start school at the end of the month.
After enrolling in the bar exam, I spent a few hours online looking up local law firms and emailed my resume to all of them, letting them know I would be taking the bar soon and was eager for a job. As soon as I got a job, and my first paycheck, Eliza and I were moving into our own place. We were moving on with our lives. As much as it hurt, I had to accept the fact that Tracker didn’t want me.
Then, three days later, the unexpected happened.
I was in Tracker’s office, studying for the bar exam, while Eliza was in the living room, watching a movie on Netflix. Tracker’s office faced the
southeast corner of the house, and the window looked out into the front yard. The sound of a motorized vehicle caught my attention. Vehicles out here were not common, as this was the last house at the end of the road and was surrounded by woods in all directions.
Someone was coming. We wouldn’t know if that someone was good or bad until they arrived. Had The General’s soldiers found us? I was relatively certain we were safe here. But not one hundred percent certain.
The engine grew louder as I jumped up from the desk and hurried into the living room.
“Someone’s coming,” I told Eliza.
She shut the television off and leapt up from the couch, her eyes wide with worry. “Bad guys?”
“I don’t know.”
Together we went to the huge window looking out into the front yard and peered out.
A silver motorcycle turned into the driveway and stopped in front of the garage.
My heart pounded. Oh my God. He was here!
I stared as Tracker turned the bike off and put the kickstand down. He removed his helmet and lifted a hand to rake it through his dark hair. He dismounted and set the helmet on the seat. Enraptured, I took in every single movement he made.
He turned toward the front door, his eyes hidden behind his sunglasses.
“Is that Tracker?” Eliza jerked away from the window, grinning from ear to ear. “I told you he’d come, Jess!”
Yes, she had, but I hadn’t been so sure. I’d been too afraid to hope.
She spun around in a happy circle, then raced for the front door and yanked it open.
I didn’t move as Eliza bounded out of the house to greet Tracker. She didn’t know him very well, so I was a little surprised by her eagerness to see him. Eliza’s excited voice reached me from outside through the open door. Then the deep timbre of Tracker’s response followed.
Nerves fluttered in my stomach. What was he doing here?
It’s his house, Jess. Why else would be here?
My fears and insecurities returned in a rush. Though I wanted to see him, I wasn’t sure if I could face him after he’d sent me away and broken my heart. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to face him. Had he come to send me away again? I couldn’t handle his rejection a second time. I couldn’t do it. I fought back the sudden urge to flee.
The Tracker Page 32
