by Jamie Knight
The sorrow in his voice caused me to turn completely and face him. No matter what Ray had done, I had a lot to fess up too and fix as well.
“I’m sorry, Jakey,” I told him. “I’m not quite sure why I didn’t tell you that Ray and I dated a few months ago. I guess I thought you would advise me against it since he was…is my boss.”
He nodded. “So, it is true. You did date. Ray said the same thing.”
“Yes, it’s true,” I continued. “He dumped me after we slept together once. I wasn’t sure why. Last week he explained that it was because we weren’t compatible or at least at the time he didn’t think we were.”
“Compatible in what way?”
I swallowed. “Sexually.”
Jake paled a bit. “Okay, so you’re not usually into…what was in the pictures…”
“Yes,” I snapped, but I wasn’t quite sure if that was true anymore. If I hadn’t seen Sarah and if my family hadn’t found out would I still be acting like Ray’s…pet? I rubbed my hands over my temples. It was time to be totally honest. “No. I don’t know. It’s all very new to me and honestly, I enjoyed a lot of it.”
“Okay,” Jake nodded. He templed his fingers in his lap. His face was passive, like he was taking the information in and not judging it…or trying not to. “So, where does the money come in? How did you two get back together?”
I took another gulp of my drink—letting the alcohol give me courage. “We didn’t, not really, Ray needed a…partner—” I found that I couldn’t say the word pet to my brother. “—for his show. He asked me to do it and offered me the money. But I never really thought I would deposit the check he gave me until this morning. Now it is gone and I’m not sure how.”
“Do you love him?”
Jake’s question shocked me. I sat up a little straighter disturbing Mr. Pugsly who had just fallen asleep. He grunted in an annoyed fashion.
“What?!” I snapped.
Jake stood. He began to pace back and forth in my narrow living room. “Here’s what I understand. You dated your boss for a few weeks a few months ago. He broke up with you, which caused you to start dating like crazy, which went badly causing you to swear off men and get our friend here.”
He nodded to the pug and then continued to list the circumstances like he was making closing remarks in court.
“Your ex-slash-boss asked you to do a sex show, which you did but now regret, however you’re not truly sure if you regret it. You ran into Sarah and lied, claiming that Ray and you were engaged. A ruse you continued for Dad and us. You could have just told me that Sarah was lying. Hell, I know that girl is crazy. But instead you came up with a plan that would keep you and Ray interacting. And my question is, do you love him?”
My jaw dropped.
Was I unconsciously trying to keep Ray and I acting like we were together? That was just stupid. Tears sprung to my eyes. “I don’t know, Jakey. How can I know that when he showed those dreadful pictures to you guys?!”
“And if he didn’t show them to us?”
“I…” I ran my hands over my face, trying to think clearly. “Sometimes, yes. Maybe.”
“Can you accept that he is into such things sexually?”
I found myself crying and laughing all at the same time. I looked down to my lap. “God, Jake. Don’t judge me.”
“I won’t. I never will, Le Le.”
“The show was a lot of fun. This weekend was the best sex I had even had.”
“Okay.” Jake sat back in the chair and looked at me. “Ray’s being blackmailed. He didn’t show us the pictures. They were sent to us this morning.”
My breath hissed out. “What?! Does he know by who?”
Jake shook his head. “He didn’t say. Sis, as your lawyer. I would advise you to stay away from Ray until he gets this worked out. Even his phone might be bugged.”
I stood quickly. My body trembled. “This is all too much,” I yelped.
I couldn’t process it all: the show, the sex, the lies, the pictures, and now blackmail. My hands balled into fists. I crossed the room, back to the coat closet, and pulled out the black velvet cape Ray had gifted me.
“What are you doing?” My brother asked as he came up behind me.
I found a box in the kitchen, folded the cape, and put it inside. “Ray’s life is too crazy. I don’t care if I love him. I can’t deal with all this drama anymore. I’m done. Whatever I was trying to accomplish with this lie is over. I need to get every part of Ray out of my life. Are you coming?”
Jakey blinked at me confused. “Are you sure,” he stammered.
“Yes. I need this to be over.”
“Okay, Le Le. I’m here for you.” He nodded.
I grabbed Mr. Pugsly’s leash. We set out for a walk and to return the last bit of Ray in my life. I told myself it was for the best. It was too much; it was all just too much for me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Ray
She wouldn’t answer my calls and Eileen wasn’t home when I stopped by her apartment that evening. I didn’t know what to do. There was no way she would let me explain. Eileen was too embarrassed. I was just hoping that she didn’t quit her job at McKenzie Tech or that I would never see her again.
When I got home that evening, there was a package containing her velvet cape sitting just outside my front door. I called Daniel the doorman up and he confirmed that the tall lady with the ugly dog had come by. He had assumed—and rightly—that he was to continue to let her into the building whenever she showed up. I told him to keep letting her in no matter what and tipped him a hundred.
After he left, I poured myself a scotch and tried to come up with a plan to win Eileen back. I couldn’t think of anything. Money was obviously not the way to her heart. And even if I got her back, would she be scared off of exhibitionist sex forever? I hoped not. She was by far my favorite pet that I had even been with and I didn’t want to lose that part of our relationship. I couldn’t, it would destroy me inside.
One glass of scotch turned into two as I paced my apartment. It was half-past ten when my phone rang. The number that showed up was Ronnie’s home.
“Hello?”
“Mr. Silver. It’s Vanessa, your uncle’s hospice nurse.” The girl sounded tired and sad.
“Is everything alright, Vanessa?”
“No, sir. I think you better come. Your uncle wants to see you. Immediately.”
“I’ll be right there.”
I hung up, my heart clenching for a different reason. I didn’t want to lose all my family in one day. Even if Eileen and I hadn’t gotten to be officially family yet, I knew deep down that I had wanted her to be. I wanted her as my pet and my wife.
Recognizing that I was probably a bit too much into my cups to drive, I called the company’s car service and had a town car sent over immediately. McKenzie Tech’s drivers were always discreet and the one who picked me up didn’t ask any questions other than where he was taking me.
Ronnie’s townhouse on 69th Street was mostly dark when we drove up a half an hour later. Luckily there wasn’t much traffic on the roads, and we made good time. My mind wandered the whole time. What should I say to my dying uncle? How should I comfort him?
I’m not overly open with my emotions and no words of comfort were springing to my lips. I felt useless and ashamed.
Venessa, the hospice nurse, met me at the door. She helped me take off my coat and directed me towards Ronnie’s bedroom—even though I was familiar with the house.
“I tried to convince him to let me call an ambulance, Mr. Silver, but he refused,” she told me, worried.
“It’s okay, Vanessa,” I told her. “He wants to die at home, and he has the right to go when he wants to. I don’t think we will be needing your services anymore.” I handed her a hundred-dollar bill from my wallet. “Head home and get some rest. Contact me in the morning and I will have the rest of your contract paid out.”
She nodded and looked at the bill in her hand like it was a s
nake, but she took it and headed back towards the foyer.
There was one light on in Ronnie’s bedroom, a brass desk lamp that someone had set up besides the hospital-styled bed he now inhabited. There was a respirator next to the lamp that hissed on and off every few seconds.
“Hey, Kid.” Ronnie’s voice was a croak, barely a hiss behind the mask that covered his mouth and helped him breath. Despite the situation, his blue eyes looked happy.
“Uncle. Can I get you some water?”
He shook his head. I pulled an antique Windsor chair to his bedside and settled in, crossing one leg over the knee of my other.
Ronnie reached out and took my hand in his. I wanted to pull back, we had never touched much as a family and his skeletal fingers were like ice, but I stopped myself. I took his frail hand between both of mine and rubbed it gently.
“What will you do with it?” he hissed from under his mask.
I looked around a bit, not sure what he meant. “This chair? I suppose I will sell it unless you want me to give it to someone special.”
He laughed which turned into an odd croaking sound. “No, you fool. All of it. The magazines, the websites, the club. Will you sell it all off? Are you still that ashamed of who you are?”
“Uncle, I’m not ashamed at all. I know who I am.”
“Ha! You go to the club and even take a pet or two but when you were nineteen, I offered to make you my partner and you declined. You stupidly went to work for another man because you were ashamed of who you really are. You’re just like me, kid. Dominate in every way. Accept that and keep the empire going. Take that beautiful pet of yours and fuck her onstage at the Dark Club every night. She deserves it.”
A frown came to my face. Eileen was gone and she was never really my pet to begin with.
“It was a lie, Uncle.” The words came pouring out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying. “I paid Eileen to go with me and perform. I’m not like you. I’m not fit to take over for you at all. Maybe you should leave everything to Jensen.”
“Ha,” Ronnie snorted. “I watched that girl’s face. She loved every minute of that show, and she was in love with you before you ever stepped onstage. I saw the love in her face the moment I met her.”
I dropped my head. “She’s embarrassed of what we did and now she won’t answer my calls. I don’t think I can live without her.”
His boney hand pulled out of mine and he tapped the top of my hand roughly. “Nonsense, kid. Eileen is tops, but if she doesn’t want to be with you—which I doubt—then you will move on and find another pet. You my boy are something special. Don’t forget that.” He reached forward and put his cold hand on my chin for a moment. “You’re just like me. You will persist.”
Tears were in my eyes, but I wiped them away.
“I want to marry her, Uncle, and now she’s left me.”
He laughed delightedly. It caused him to cough, but when I got up to get him water, he just grabbed my hand and pulled me back down to my seat.
“No need, kid. This old body needs nothing now. Sit down. Have I ever told you the story of how your mother left your father right before they were supposed to get married?”
I eased back into my chair and looked at him. “No, never. We never spoke much about my parents.”
“Yes, well. Perhaps that was wrong,” Ronnie pulled back and looked up towards the ceiling, “but anyway, your mother was a model who secretly preferred to pose nude in her pictures. Most models want a flesh colored G-string or suit to cover up their bits but not June, no, she wanted to let it all show. She just didn’t want to admit it.”
Ronnie’s eyes went distant, like he was seeing the past before him.
“Your father was trying his hand at photography at that time. They met when he was off shooting nature photos and well, one thing led to another. They fell in love. Your father started taking your mother’s pictures and did a beautiful set of photos that he called ‘nude in the woods’. Well, he got a gallery showing and thought he would make it a surprise. It was a terrible surprise! June’s eyes popped out when she walked into that gallery and saw her glorious bare ass on every wall. She slapped your father and yelled that she would never see him again.”
Ronnie paused for a few minutes just to breathe. The respirator hissed as it filled his mask.
“So?” I asked, hoping that he could continue the story.
“So, she was gone for a few weeks but then she came back begging for another picture.” Ronnie laughed. “When a woman has a bit of an exhibitionist in her, it will burn in her blood and nothing with get her off the same. Your Eileen has it. She was a queen on that stage. Just give her a bit; her blood will ache with desire to be seen again and whatever hang-ups she has about her body will melt away.”
I found myself nodding, feeling hopeful. I took Ronnie’s hand in my own again and rubbed it. “Thank you, Uncle. Not just for tonight, but for everything. I may not have shown it well, but I have always been happy that you are my family.”
“Bullshit,” he hissed, but he was smiling under his breathing mask.
Ronnie’s eyes blinked and slowly slid closed. I kept his hand in mine, as his breath evened out and he fell asleep. One minute to midnight, he died.
I wasn’t prepared for the wave of emotion I felt when his chest didn’t rise again after his last breath. My own breath caught in my lungs and tears threatened to stream down my face.
Had I said enough? Did I do enough? Did he die knowing that I loved him?
Unaware of my movements, I finally dropped Ronnie’s hand and paced around the room. I had my cell phone out and was calling her before I even understood what I was doing. I didn’t care that it was going to go to voicemail. I just needed to hear Eileen’s voice.
The ringing stopped and Eileen’s recorded message started. I listened to the music of her voice, the way she sounded so cheerful and full of life. Then the recording beeped, and her voice was gone.
“Eileen, my uncle just died. I don’t know what to do now. I’m all alone.”
I didn’t have anything else to say, so I hung up.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ray
Eileen never returned my call. I wasn’t sure if she even listened to the message. I knew she was truly lost to me. My heart was breaking for two reasons, but I had to go on. Ronnie had left very specific instructions for his funeral and he deserved to get what he wanted. So, I buried my emotions as well as I could, and got to work organizing the event as quickly as possible.
Two days later, I was sitting in front of Ronnie’s gravesite among some large oak trees. Hidden Oaks was one of the nicer cemeteries in New York. I had heard that it was the place to be if you were rich and dead—a real status symbol. But as I sat there in a rickety plastic folding chair staring at Ronnie’s solid stainless-steel casket, all I could think about was that I never wanted to be buried here. It was too quiet and lonely.
Ronnie’s gravesite was between two people that I didn’t know, and I knew that he didn’t know them when he was alive. He was a body among strangers. It seemed lonely. Lonelier that I was, and I was putting the last member of my family into the ground.
The priest droned on. He was some high-priced church lacky that Ronnie had paid a lot of money for. The man was decked out in full Catholic regalia including the tall hat and robes of state. He looked ridiculous, and really, it was ridiculous to have a man preaching about God at the funeral of an atheist sex addict. I had no idea why Ronnie had planned things this way. Did he think the oddness of the situation would be funny or did he just want a good show?
I ignored the words of the sermon and pulled at my cuffs. I had bought new cufflinks last night, diamond clubs—like the kind you would see on a poker deck. The things were outrageously expensive, but I told myself that it would be okay because I was getting Ronnie’s money soon.
I pressed the diamonds between my fingers and looked down at how they sparkled in the sun. They were blindingly bright against my black
dress-shirt and suit. But I didn’t want them or the money. I wanted Ronnie back.
I wanted to hear his cackle, his wisecracks. I wanted him to call me kid and maybe put his hand on my shoulder. We weren’t an overly affectionate family, but there was love there. He knew who I was and understood me in a way no one else did. He knew that I was living a lie.
Ronnie and I were the same. Dominate, sex-obsessed men, who lived for a night with their pet. We both knew that there were more options in the bedroom than missionary and that that was okay. I had always told myself that I had accepted that part of me, but I hadn’t really. Not enough to be open about who my family was. And now that family was gone.
Kane sat next to me dressed in his best black suit. He was the only other person at the office I told about Ronnie’s death, and as my closest friend, he had bugged me about the funeral until I told him he could come. He was my only friend there.
The funeral was not packed. Jensen, some of the other workers and patrons from The Dark Club sat across the gravesite from us. In a show of solidarity, many of them were wearing their favorite leather bondage suits or gear and carrying whips, flogs, and chains—something that I was sure was making the priest feel uncomfortable. That kind of did make me smile.
And that was when it hit me. I was done living a lie.
“I think I’m done at McKenzie Tech,” I whispered to Kane.
He leaned towards me. “What?”
“I’m done being a CFA. I can’t sell off all of Ronnie’s holdings. I’m going to keep everything and start running things myself.”
Kane looked me in the face and raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure, man?”
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “Don’t be. I understand. You’re still one of my closest friends, Ray. That won’t change even if you’re no longer my employee.”
