by Kitty Jones
“Like what?”
“Like you can’t believe I’m actually being honest. Dominants are known for being honest, aren’t we?”
“I’m still a bit of a stranger here.” What I mean is that she doesn’t owe me her truth. It’s much appreciated, of course, but she doesn’t owe me anything.
“Hopefully not for long,” she smiles. “Our world could use more people like you.”
“People like me?”
“People who aren’t afraid to mix it up and keep things interesting,” she says with a wink.
“Is that how you view me?”
“I think so,” she says carefully. I’d love to ask her more and to find out exactly what impression I’m giving off at Shadows. Is that what the Doms think I’m trying to do? Shake things up? I’m not. I’m not interested in ruining or damaging or destroying their world.
I just want to find Mallory and talk to her.
I’m not going to say she owes me. She doesn’t owe me anything, but I hope that she’ll remember. I hope she’ll remember who I am, and why I can help her. It’s been a long time, but she shouldn’t have to burden the pain of her life on her own. She shouldn’t have to carry loss like that without ever getting to talk to someone.
The music is loud, and it’s hard to focus on anything except this conversation, but someone walks by, bumping into me, and the Domme turns harshly to the young man.
“Oy!” She shouts at him. Instantly, the submissive stops and looks ashamed. The two of them are obviously familiar with one another because he drops to his knees and bows his head. That type of protocol is only used when you know someone really well, and when you understand their preferences for such a thing.
I look from the Domme to the man and back again.
“Apologize, Jeffrey,” she says.
“My apologies, Mistress Natasha.”
“Not to me. To...” she looks at me sideways.
“Aaron,” I say, supplying her with my real name. I don’t bother using a fake name at the club. It’s not really my style. I’m perfectly fine with people knowing who I am. As long as they don’t interfere with my professional life, then we won’t have a problem, but I prefer to exercise honesty in all things when I can.
“Apologize to Master Aaron.”
“I’m sorry that I bumped into you, Master Aaron.”
“Forgiven,” I say. It was obviously an accident, but I’m suddenly getting the impression that Natasha and Jeffrey know each other more than a little well. She’s smiling at him fondly, as though she can’t get enough of him.
“I’m afraid I’ll have to punish you, Jeffrey,” she says with a gentle smile.
“Do you promise, Mistress?” The man asks, and he suddenly looks so happy that he’s practically glowing.
Natasha reaches out and strokes his hair gently. She smiles at him and nods.
“I promise.” Then she turns to me. “If you’ll please excuse me.”
“Of course.”
I watch as she leads Jeffrey away, off into the crowd of bodies at the club, and I realize that I still haven’t found Mallory. I still haven’t found the one person I came here to see, which is unfortunate. If I knew where she’d worked, I’d just call up and schedule an appointment with her, but Mallory is a closed book.
She’s not exactly easy to track down.
Her Facebook is on lockdown, right along with her Instagram and her LinkedIn. I tried adding her as a contact on every platform I could think of, but there’s nothing. All of the public information about her shares where she went to college, so I know she’s probably gone into whatever field she majored in, but I don’t know anything else.
I mean, is she married?
Does she have a kid?
Is she happy?
It’s not really any of my business, so I won’t ask her about any of that, but I will ask if she’s okay. I will ask if she’s gotten any help after what happened.
I will ask if there’s anything I can do to make her life just a little bit easier after that night.
And then I see her.
She’s standing with a group of submissives. They’re all laughing and chuckling together. It looks like everyone is having fun and enjoying themselves. The sight makes me feel a certain contentedness. It’s nice to know that she has something that makes her happy. It’s good that she has a place where she belongs, and where people are able to help her relax and find herself.
After Matthew...Well, everything changed after that, didn’t it? Sometimes, it seems like the sun doesn’t shine as bright.
Sometimes it seems like the world isn’t quite as beautiful.
When you lose someone, no matter who it is, that pain lingers for such a long time. The worst thing about loss is that it always hits you when you least expect it. Even now, years later, I find myself reaching for the phone when something funny happens. I’ll take a picture and get ready to text it to him, only to remember.
He’s gone.
Matthew is gone, and he’s never coming back.
Mallory smiles, talking to her friends. She gestures wildly, moving her arms, and she giggles. I wonder what kind of story she’s telling. I wonder what sweet adventures she’s had in the years since we lost him.
I haven’t seen Mallory since the funeral, and we didn’t say a single word to each other. It was awkward, to say the least. Her parents have never minded me staying in their lives, but Mallory has made it clear that she has no use for me. She hasn’t talked to me since that night in the kitchen, the night when she rocked my world.
And now I wonder if I really am doing the right thing.
Maybe I should leave.
Maybe Club Shadows is the one place where she can relax and be herself. Maybe this is her safe haven where people don’t know her past and where they don’t care what she’s been through. Here she can just be a submissive. She doesn’t have to be the girl who lost everything or the girl whose brother died.
Here she can just be herself.
Should I really be taking that from her?
I realize that I’m in the wrong place, and that it’s definitely the wrong time. I turn, preparing to leave the club. I should let this remain what it obviously is for her: a haven.
Only, it’s too late.
It’s too late because Mallory has spotted me, and she looks pissed.
Chapter Five
Mallory
My heart starts pounding in my chest. It’s completely freaking out.
“What is it?” Dax wants to know.
“Oh,” Belinda grins, noticing where I’m looking.
“Tall, dark, and spank-me-Daddy,” Fiona breathes out.
“Hey,” I say, chastising them. “He’s nothing special.”
“What are you looking at?” Fiona asks. “It can’t be that guy.”
“For sure, because that guy,” Belinda jerks her head toward Aaron. “That guy is fucking fine. There’s not anything not-special about that dude. Everything about him is over-the-top special, I’d say.”
I swallow hard, staring at him.
“He’s okay, I guess,” I mutter.
“Just okay?” Dax laughs. “Honey, he’s beautiful.”
“Wait a minute,” Belinda turns to me. “You know him, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” I say. “I know him.”
He was the first guy I ever kissed.
He was the first guy I ever liked.
He’s the only guy who could possibly know what my life has been like. He’s the only person who knows what it’s like to lose everything.
And I hate that about him.
I hate that invisible power I feel like he’s got over me.
“What is he doing here?” Dax asks.
“More importantly,” Belinda wonders. “Why aren’t you over there like right-fucking-now?” She shakes her head. “Honey, you gotta give us the scoop.”
Fiona raises an eyebrow, patiently waiting.
“I don’t know what ya’ll want me to say.”
“Did you sleep together?” Dax wants to know.
“No.”
“Did you suck him off?” Belinda whispers quietly.
“Nothing like that.”
“He broke your heart,” Fiona says.
The room seems to fall quiet as I stare at him. There might be dozens - if not hundreds - of people in the club tonight, but the only one I see is him.
Aaron is the only person here who matters tonight, but I still have one burning question: what does he want?
Seriously, what is this guy waiting for?
I find myself moving toward him.
I don’t say anything to my friends, and they don’t try to stop me. They’ll be here if I need them. I know that much. Submissives have to stick together, and we do.
I reach him in no time at all, and then I stand in front of him.
“Mallory,” he whispers.
“Master Aaron,” I say.
He looks surprised for just a fraction of a second, but I’m not an idiot, nor am I new to the entire BDSM thing. I’m not about to give him or any other Dominant an excuse to paddle my ass. Not tonight.
Not when Aaron is here.
Usually, I’m a bit of a playful brat, but right now, I just want to know what he wants.
“You look lovely,” he says. He looks me up and down, but when his eyes move, they don’t make me feel slimy. I just feel happy. Content.
I kind of hate that I feel that way.
“Thank you, sir,” I say.
“You have manners,” he says, but he seems a little surprised by that. I’m only a little rankled by the comment. Of course I have manners. I’m a submissive player at an exclusive club in the heart of the city. I’m not new to this game. I’m not new to any of this.
Except, perhaps, to knowing my partner outside of the club.
Not that I don’t meet people outside of the club. I do. I mean, we all do. It’s only natural. I’ve had coffee with Hank and Taylor, and I’ve met up with the other subs for lunch and all that, but Aaron is different.
Aaron knows me from before, and somehow, that makes me feel just a little bit uncomfortable.
Okay, a lot uncomfortable.
“Thank you, sir.”
Somehow, I manage to force the words past my lips, but I kind of feel like I’m choking on them. If Aaron notices, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he looks at me carefully.
“Can I help you with something?” I finally ask. It’s hard not to notice his appearance. He’s lovely to look at, and more than a little bit handsome. He’s charming when he wants to be. He’s never exactly had a hard time finding a woman.
But I’m surprised to see him here, in this place. This is my place. This is my private sanctuary where I do things that other people don’t know about.
“We need to talk,” he says, and that’s what I was worried about. We haven’t talked since the night we kissed: since the night of my very first kiss ever. Even after everything that followed that night, even after my brother’s death, I still didn’t talk to Aaron.
I never could.
“No,” I shake my head sadly. “We don’t.”
And to be honest, I’m a little upset that he came here just to try to talk to me about Matthew. That’s why I’m here, after all. Isn’t it?
To forget?
To move on?
Being here is the only way I can forget about everything that happened. It’s the only way I can pretend that somehow I’m going to be fine. If I’m not here, and I’m alone for too long, the thoughts start coming back: the ones that whisper everything was my fault.
The ones that tell me I’m the reason that Matthew is six feet under.
“Mallory,” he says quietly, and his voice holds so many things. It sounds like he’s asking a question and making a promise at the same time.
“You don’t owe me anything,” I tell him. “What happened between us was a long time ago.”
He stiffens, and then pauses.
“What?”
“You heard me. It’s over. I’m not...I mean, I’m not waiting around for you.”
“Wait...is that why you haven’t spoken to me in years?” He asks, and his voice holds just the slightest edge that wasn’t there before. “You haven’t spoken to me in ten years because of the night we kissed?”
“It’s not like I’ve been actively avoiding you,” I point out. “I mean, you moved away, and I went to college. We weren’t exactly hanging out at the 7-11 every weekend together.”
I’m getting mouthy, and I’m raising my voice. The sounds of our discussion have caught the attention of a couple of Dominants in the room. I’m very aware of how this looks, and I need to excuse myself before I make a scene.
But Aaron doesn’t look upset.
He looks...hurt.
Wait, did he not know?
Did he not realize that his rejection was completely humiliating? Of course, I didn’t want to talk to him after Matthew died. Of course, I didn’t want to talk to him about any of it. That’s why I didn’t go to their alma mater. It’s why I chose an out-of-state school that offered me a scholarship. I returned to town after graduation and I’ve never been happier than spending time teaching, but...
There are memories of Matthew here everywhere, and sometimes, it’s really, really hard to deal with.
Aaron was long gone when I returned to town. He left after he graduated from college and as far as I knew, he never looked back. Why he’s here now, I have no idea, but I’m certain he’s going to tell me.
“I can see that we’re attracting attention,” he finally says, his voice tight. “Seeing as I don’t have a way to contact you, will you please meet me for lunch tomorrow so we can continue this discussion?”
“Um...”
I want to say no.
I want to tell him to fuck off and get lost, but there are people everywhere, and he’s right, quite a few of them are watching our little altercation. I turn back around to see my group of friends still carefully watching me. There’s no doubt in my mind that they’re all totally rooting for me.
Okay, I can do this.
I turn back to Aaron and nod.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I’m not working tomorrow. Anytime is okay.”
It’s a Saturday tomorrow. It’s a day I happened to make zero plans on because I need to catch up on grading and come up with projects for my class to do next week. We’re going to be learning about the solar system and I need some creative ways to help my kids remember the names of the planets.
“Meet me at Chipotle,” he says, shaking his head. “12:00. Don’t be late.”
He turns, leaving.
Chipotle?
Some things never change. I don’t have to ask him which one because there’s only one in town. Besides, it was his favorite place to eat in high school. I probably still remember his exact order.
He walks away before I can say anything else, and almost instantly, the people mulling about turn back to whatever they were doing before the interruption occurred.
“Well?” Dax seems excited, almost anxious.
“What did he want?” Fiona quizzes me.
Belinda looks a little worried, but I just shrug.
“He, um...we’re going to lunch tomorrow,” I blurt out. There. I said it. I made plans with a guy outside of the club. It’s the first time I’ve met up with a guy one-on-one outside of the club. I make it a point not to date anyone.
Ever.
I don’t want to get too attached because to me, getting too attached is the best way to get hurt.
Everyone leaves you, one way or another. Some people break your heart and others just go off and die when you least expect it.
“You?” Belinda asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Lunch?” Fiona asks, equally surprised.
“With a guy?” Dax seems the most shocked out of everyone.
“Dax, I like guys.” He seems surprised.
“I thought you were a lesbian,” he
says, shaking his head. “Are you not a lesbian?”
“I mean,” I blush. Here it goes. “I’m bisexual. I like girls, yeah, but I also like guys.”
“Sexually?”
“Yes!” I slap his shoulder playfully. “And I don’t remember quizzing you on your sexuality,” I point out.
“That’s because I’m blissfully gay and ya’ll know it,” he laughs.
Fiona and Belinda are both very quiet.
“Ladies?”
“We thought you were gay, too,” they say quietly.
“Because I don’t take guys home from the club?”
“Well, yeah,” Fiona says. “I mean, we all kind of figured that you must have a long-term girlfriend or something. Either that, or you had something else going on. Maybe you’re an ace. I don’t know.”
“Ace means asexual,” Belinda whispers to Dax.
“I know what it means,” he says drily. “Believe it or not, it’s not my first time at a sex club.”
“So if you’re not a lesbian, then why don’t you take any of the guys home that you play with?” Fiona asks.
“Or just fuck them here?” Belinda adds.
I have no idea how to answer that question without sounding like a total weirdo. Sure, we’re hanging out in the middle of a sex club, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to put all of my fetishes on display.
Or, you know, my shortcomings.
“I guess I’m just shy,” I say, but they’re all smart, and not a single one of them buys it.
“Are you religious?” Belinda asks gently. “Is it a religion thing? Because there’s nothing wrong with waiting until marriage.”
“We’ll support you no matter what your lifestyle choices are,” Dax says kindly, and I’m a little overwhelmed by the fact that they’re being so nice about this. I’m not ready to get into all of the reasons I don’t sleep with anyone from the club.
Or, you know, anyone ever.
I’m not ready to share my secret with them, or with anyone.
“Thanks,” I say. “I appreciate that.”
It’s a non-answer, but it’s going to have to do because it’s all I can give right now. A gentle tap on the shoulder and I turn to see Hank and Taylor standing quietly behind me.
