by Kitty Jones
“I’m not uptight, and I do take offense to that.”
“Well, you’ve never been in a relationship.”
“That’s not true.”
“Name one guy you’ve slept with.”
“I can name plenty of guys I’ve dated,” I point out.
“That’s not what I said,” Tabitha raises an eyebrow. “Are you going to tell him?”
“Tell him what?” I ask, but Tabitha isn’t going to let me play dumb anymore than Aaron is.
“That you’re a fucking virgin,” she says. Tabitha doesn’t say this like there’s anything wrong with me. She says it more like she’s shocked and surprised about it, and I guess that’s not really a big deal. I’m 25, after all. Pretty much everyone else in the world has had sex by this age, but I haven’t.
I just...never did it.
It’s probably weird because I play around at a BDSM club. I let people spank me and touch me on stage. I do it for fun and because I love to show off. I do it to forget and I do it to move on. I don’t sleep with people, though. I never have, and I guess that it’s starting to catch up with me, if only just a little.
“It’s not like that.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I mean, it’s not something I need to tell him.”
“Seriously?”
“We aren’t...we aren’t ready to have sex. We’ve only just started...”
Whatever it is that we’re doing.
Aaron and I talked all weekend. He called me yesterday and we seriously chatted for hours on the phone. It felt incredible. It felt like coming home. Now it’s Monday and I’m at work and I’m honestly wondering if I’m completely crazy.
“Look,” Tabitha says gently. She lowers her voice. “Aaron isn’t like the other people you’ve dated. Those guys, you’ve been able to blow off when things got too hard.”
“Ouch,” I say, cringing.
“I’m sorry, but it’s true. You don’t like confrontation, so you blow people off or ignore them until they go away. I won’t say you ghost them, but...” She shakes her head. “Your dating habits aren’t exactly healthy, kiddo.”
I know that she’s telling me the truth as a friend, but it still stings. Part of it’s because I know that she’s right. I know that my habits are bad and that I’m really rough around the edges when it comes to relationships. I also know that she’s correct in saying I don’t let people get close to me. I do tend to push people away, including guys, and part of it’s because I’ve just never met anyone I wanted to sleep with.
“Aaron will wait until I’m ready,” I tell her.
“And when is that going to be?” She asks, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t want to sound like I’m pressuring you, but are you waiting for the right guy, or are you waiting because you’re scared of losing yourself?”
“I just haven’t met anyone I wanted to fuck,” I tell her, exasperated, but she’s not buying it, and she shouldn’t.
She’s right, and we both know it.
I’m terrified.
I’m scared of getting hurt and I’m scared that I’m going to be bad at it. I’m scared that the guy I choose won’t be the right one. I’m worried about getting emotionally close to someone only to have them screw me over. I’m worried about so many different things.
“You need to tell him,” she says. “I promise that he’ll understand.”
“How can you be so sure?”
What if he freaks out and doesn’t want to touch me?
What if he wants to rush things?
“I’ve been with a lot of people.”
“You aren’t a slut,” I tell her pointedly.
“I kind of am, actually,” Tabitha smiles. “And that’s fine. I don’t really care about that word. It doesn’t hurt my feelings. I enjoy having sex with people, and I enjoy having sex with lots of different people. Sometimes at once, sometimes not. Sometimes I’m in a relationship, sometimes I’m not. It doesn’t matter to me. I love sex in all of its forms. Sometimes I get hurt, but most of the time, I have a really wonderful time.”
Tabitha’s sexual habits have always kind of impressed me. She goes after what she wants, whether or not that’s conventional. It’s honestly something to be admired.
“What I see in you – and I’m not a therapist, so I mean, don’t quote me – is that you waited a really long time for it to be perfect, and now you’ve waited so long that you just feel like you’re never going to be ready. Sex is messy, Mallory. It’s messy, and so are our emotions. We’re complicated people. You might have sex and it could feel fantastic. You might have sex and it could be so-so. Maybe it’ll be awful. You’ll never know until you try it, but if you don’t, you’re always going to wonder.”
I know that she’s right.
I don’t want her to be.
“I don’t want to tell him,” I whisper.
The room has cleared out and it’s just us, now. Soon I’m going to have to get back to my classroom and I know she will, too, but right now, in this moment, it’s just the two of us, and I can be honest with Tabitha.
“I’m scared enough about telling him about my feelings,” I shake my head.
“If he’s actually a Daddy Dom like you said, he’s not going to let you get away with not talking, and he’ll be hurt if you don’t tell him.”
“I know.”
“I’m serious, Mal. Don’t keep this from him for too long. Date him. Love him. Sleep with him, but give him a heads up. He’ll take care of you, but if you don’t share this with him, he’s going to feel like you lied to him.”
A bell rings, and she stands.
“I’ve got to go,” she tells me. “Think about what I said, okay?”
“Okay.”
She places a hand on my shoulder and looks down at me.
“He’s lucky, you know.”
“Aaron?”
“Yeah.”
“Why is he lucky?”
“Because you’re one of the most incredible women I’ve ever met,” Tabitha says with a big smile. “And you’re definitely the bravest. I know you’ve been through hell, Mal, but you’ve got this, okay? You’ve got this.”
She leaves the break room, and I’m alone for just a minute. I need to scurry back to my class, but I know I have a couple of minutes before my students arrive, and my classroom is pretty close to the break room. So I take a deep breath, and I close my eyes, and I wonder what I’m going to do.
I’m supposed to go over to Aaron’s tomorrow after work. We’re going to have dinner and talk and...
Maybe that’s when I’ll tell him.
Maybe I’ll admit to him that I’m not what he expects.
But what if he doesn’t accept me?
What if he hates the fact that I’m so inexperienced?
What if that’s the thing that pushes him away from me forever?
Chapter Ten
Aaron
Tuesday is an impossible day.
I have four documents due, three client emergencies, and an assistant who can’t seem to keep her files straight. I put out one fire after another and when closing time rolls around, I’m more than ready to leave the office. I make it home in record time, feed Jiji, and collapse on the couch.
Fuck.
I’m tired as hell.
I thought working for a small company was going to be wonderful, and in some ways, it totally is.
In others...
Well, let’s just say there’s a reason the last translator quit.
I’ve got less than an hour before Mallory comes over and I don’t want to waste a minute of our time together, so I need to start prepping everything. I head into the kitchen and check the crock pot. I set up a roast before I left for work so that I’d have very little cooking to do before she arrived. It’s just about done, so I turn the heat down and set the table.
Then I grab everything I need to whip up a tasty salad, and I get that ready. Some people don’t like salads with their meals, but I’m try
ing to eat more vegetables, and I want to help Mallory stay healthy, too. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s not taking care of herself as well as she should. She’s incredible, and I want to pamper her and make sure she’s drinking plenty of water and eating right. That’s one of my favorite things about being a Dom.
I love the idea that in this type of relationship, I get to truly take care of my submissive. I love that she truly gets to be taken care of in every way.
Once I’m satisfied with the food, I head upstairs to hop in the shower. I’m not gross or sweaty, but I want to wash away the stress of the day before she arrives. I climb into the shower and just let the water fall over me. Almost instantly, I can feel myself relaxing.
I can’t wait for her to come over.
Coming back to my hometown was a difficult choice for me. It probably should have been a no-brainer, but it wasn’t. It was hard. It was something that I wrestled with for a very long time because I left for a reason. I left because I needed a space that didn’t remind me of everything I’d lost, which in my mind, was Mallory and Matthew.
Mallory was someone I’d lost long before I ever lost Matthew. I never really understood exactly why she hated me so much. Okay, I should have. Looking back, it’s pretty clear what I did wrong. I rejected her when she needed me. I walked away when she craved someone to love her. I was young, though, and ignorant. I was dumb, and even though that kiss is something I’ll never forget, I was drunk as fuck, and I definitely didn’t treat her the way she deserved to be treated.
She deserved to be treated like royalty then, and she deserves it now.
When I’m done with the shower, I get out, pull on a comfortable pair of jeans, and select a plain tee. I run a brush through my hair quickly. It’s getting long, and it’s almost to the point where I need to decide if I’m going to cut it short or let it grow out.
Decisions, decisions.
There’s a knock at the door, and Jiji starts meowing.
She’s here.
She’s here.
I scurry downstairs like a little kid ready for his birthday surprise, and I pull the door open.
“You’re here,” I say.
“I’m here.”
She smiles and holds up a bag.
“I hope you don’t mind. I stopped and picked up some wine on the way over. I wasn’t sure if you liked red or white.”
“I like any kind of wine,” I tell her.
“There’s mead, too,” she smiles.
“There we go,” I kiss her cheek. “That’s my favorite.”
“Mine too. I look forward to the renaissance festival every year since it means I get to gorge myself on overpriced mead. It’s weirdly hard to find outside of the festival, you know?”
“There’s one liquor store that carries it,” I say, trying to remember the name.
“It closed down,” she shakes her head. “I got this online a few weeks ago and I’ve been saving it. The red wine is what I bought tonight.”
“Well, I appreciate you stopping for wine, and I appreciate you bringing your mead to share,” I tell her honestly.
“Thanks, Aaron,” she looks up at me, and then, seemingly on a whim, she kisses me softly.
“Let’s go talk,” I say. “Go wait for me in the living room.”
I take the wine and before she can say anything else, I turn and head into the kitchen. I’ll chill the wine before dinner. Jiji meows as he follows me. I pour a little bit of kitten food into his bowl. It’s not quite time for him to eat, but Jiji is a growing cat, so I don’t mind feeding him too frequently right now. Once he’s a little bigger, I’ll need to worry more about making sure he’s eating healthy amounts of cat food and getting enough exercise. Right now, I want him to be happy and comfortable.
When I get to the living room, Mallory is waiting for me on the sofa.
“You look beautiful tonight,” I say. She’s wearing a dress again. This time, it’s a soft, pale blue that brings out her eyes. It ends mid-thigh and it has a plunging neckline.
“Thank you. I thought you might like it.”
“I appreciate that you were thinking of me.”
“I’m often thinking of you,” she says.
“Is that so?”
“It’s so.”
“Mallory,” I say softly, and I reach for her cheek, touching her softly. She leans forward and kisses me. She doesn’t hold back, and I love that about her. I love how wild and passionate she’s being right now, but we have work to do tonight.
Tonight we have to talk.
I pull back, and she lets out a little mew of protest.
“What are you doing?” She whispers.
“It’s time to talk about your feelings,” I tell her.
“Um...what?” She asks, confused.
“Your feelings,” I say again.
“I don’t want to talk about my feelings,” her eyes narrow, and she pouts a little, and I start laughing. Yeah, if there was any doubt in my mind that Mallory likes to be a little bit bratty and a little bit naughty, that notion is gone.
“Unfortunately, that comes with the territory.”
“What kind of feelings?”
“I want to talk about what happened with your brother,” I say.
Instantly, she stills, and a tension develops in the room.
“Nope.”
“Excuse me?”
“Not happening,” she shakes her head.
“It’s definitely happening.”
“I don’t want to.”
“I know that it hurts,” I say slowly. “But Mallory, you’ve got to talk to someone. There’s a reason you don’t do relationships, and there’s a reason you’re feeling afraid. Talking is the best way to help you move forward.”
“And what if I don’t want to?” She looks over at me, stubbornly jutting out her chin.
“Then it sounds like you might need a spanking,” I say. I raise an eyebrow, challenging her to tell me no. If she does, I’ll respect that. I’m not about to take something she isn’t ready to give. I still want consent. I still want to know this is what she wants.
But if she’s bratting because she needs a little bit of help opening up, then, well, I want to help her with that, too.
“A spanking?” She whispers, and she licks her lips so subtly I almost can’t tell.
“That sounds like a yes to me, little one,” I say.
“I don’t know if I need a spanking.”
“I think you know exactly what you need.”
“I’ve never...outside of the club...” She blushes and looks away, as though admitting inexperience is something to be ashamed of. I reach for her chin and turn her face right back.
“Mallory, you should never be ashamed for who you are or what you’ve done. Ever. Do you understand me?”
“Yes.”
“You also shouldn’t be ashamed for things you haven’t done, okay?”
“Okay,” her voice is a whisper, but she’s still with me. Good.
“I like you, Mallory, and I’m attracted to you. That’s no secret. You felt exactly how hard kissing you made me the other day, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t jerked off to thoughts of you all fucking weekend,” I say. She gasps just a little, but she seems to melt into me just a little bit, too.
So she likes that idea.
Good.
“I want to give you a spanking, little one. I want to pull you over my knees and push up your dress and paddle your bottom until you cry because I think you need that release, Mallory. I think you’ve been holding onto a lot of things you shouldn’t have to handle alone. I think you’ve been carrying a big ol’ burden for a long time, and I think getting a spanking in a situation like this,” I gesture around my living room, “is a lot more intimate than being paddled at the club.”
She lets out a long breath and closes her eyes. She’s arguing internally with herself. I can see it clearly on her face. She’s trying to decide whether she’s going to take the safe option and tell me
no. She’s trying to decide if she wants to walk into the kitchen, eat dinner, and leave, or if she’d rather let me be a little wild with her. She’s trying to make the choice as to whether she wants to play it safe or go for it.
I wait patiently, and finally, she nods.
“Okay,” she says.
“Okay, what?”
“Okay...I want...all that stuff you said.”
I laugh and kiss her forehead.
“Oh, pretty girl, you’re going to have to do better than that if you want to play with me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not going to let you slide by without giving me a full-on admission of desire,” I tell her. “I’m not going to ask you to do anything like sign a consent form, but I want to hear you ask for it. This isn’t going to be something you felt pressured into, okay? This is going to be something we do because we both want it.”
“I want it.”
“Tell me what you want, Mallory.”
“I want...”
I can see her.
I can see how much courage this is taking, and I can see how very, very brave she is being right now.
“I want you to pull me over your knees and spank me.”
She says it all in a rush, but it’s good enough for me. I won’t make her call me Daddy – not yet, anyway – but I will reward her for her courage. It’s not easy opening up to someone new. It’s even harder opening up to someone you’ve known for a long time. I scoot back against the couch, giving her room to look at my lap.
“That’s right,” I tell her when she notices my cock. “Already hard for you, princess.” She looks at me nervously, but I shake my head. “Don’t worry. It’s not coming out today.”
She seems almost relieved, but like she doesn’t want to be. It’s a little bit strange, but we’ll talk about that later, too. I get the feeling that Mallory doesn’t jump into sex with people very often. From what I can tell, she doesn’t exactly do hookups at the club. I won’t be surprised if it’s been months or even a year since she was intimate with someone, so I’ll have to be patient.
I’ll have to go slow.
“Come on, now,” I tell her, gently urging her.
She nods and then moves herself over my lap. She positions herself easily, wiggling around for just a second, and then she relaxes.
