by Ariana Rose
That’s a fucked-up concept if I’ve ever heard one. “Take control by giving it up?”
“The first rule of rehabbing the body is to let go of what was and accept what is.” I get a soft finger over my lips before I can even clap back to that. “I know. I know. Do as I say, not as I do. I know I’m a hypocrite. Listen.
“I’m asking you to accept my not yet as the next step for us.”
“Us?”
“We’ve shared a lot about ourselves and what’s inside. I told you about Mari and you’ve shared this with me. We need time to process all of it. It’s been what, thirty-six hours? We hadn’t touched each other in a personal way before that.”
“Where are you going with this? I’m only getting more confused.”
“Come to bed with me, Cierra.”
“But I thought you said no.”
“I said no to sex but there are so many more things we can do.”
Before I can question him, he places his lips gently on mine as he tugs the dress away from my hands that I’ve been clinging to for dear life and cover. I want to protest. I do…but I don’t.
His lips feel so good. They’re soft, open, and here for me. I rise up to my knees and he quickly follows. My nearly bare chest presses against his bare one. He wraps his arms around my back and holds me close. Spencer slides his right hand up my spine to the base of my neck and cradles my head. He massages into my scalp with his long fingers.
The quickest way to calm me down is to do that. Play with my hair in any form or fashion and it’s a TKO. I’m done for. I don’t know if he knows that or it is an in-the-moment decision but good call, Broten.
“Cici…?” he whispers again in my ear. I never thought my name could sound so good, so sexy. “I want to hold you, touch you, kiss you. You can still say no. You can always say no.”
“No.”
“No?”
“I mean yes, I know I can but...” I look into his eyes. “No, I don’t want to.”
Spencer smiles a bit. I’ve seen him smile and laugh on occasion, but this is different. I think I made him happy. This wasn’t about someone or something else. I did this.
He takes my hands again and walks me toward the bed. We pass by the edge where we were a few minutes ago to the left side. Spencer leaves me to stand by the side table, while he moves the candies and rose on my pillow to the nightstand and pulls the bedding down.
He fixes the sheets, so they fold down perfectly then guides me to sit. They are cool under my legs, cooler than even the air in the room. Spencer kneels down in front of me after kicking off his shoes. His knees creak and groan. I know this must cause him some pain. He’s taking it for whatever his plan for us is.
I like having him where he is. He’s more my height. My chin lands about near his forehead. I reach out and tangle my fingers in his hair. I think as much as I liked having my hair touched, he does too. He sighs nearly all the air from his lungs when I tug just a bit.
His physical response is sliding his hands slowly up my thighs. His thumbs trace a line from past my knees to the imaginary line the hem on my dress would have left. I can feel every millimeter of it. His touch is as if he’d taken the tip of a feather and drew it against my skin. It is pointed, soft, and makes me feel special.
I’ve never had anyone tell me no to sex, for obvious reasons. I don’t know how other women would have felt, but I don’t feel as rejected anymore. He’s truly caring for me and my feelings. He wouldn’t bother if there wasn’t something there.
The hard part is knowing where to draw that line. The stopping line. I hope he has more willpower than I do. I won’t stop if it is up to me. I want to feel his weight on me. I want to feel his lips in places no one has ever been. I want him.
Chapter 28
Spencer
I hope she understands. I feel as if she does. But Goddamn if she doesn’t feel good. Her hands on me bring a part of me back to life. Even her short, manicured nails scratch pleasure into my scalp.
As my fingers walk up her toned thighs, she pauses to take a soft nibble of my earlobe. If she only knew what she was doing. I am on the brink of saying fuck it and going back on my word.
I rise off my knees and force her to lie back as I hover over her. She raises her arms over her head. I pull them gently back by her sides. “Cierra. I need you to trust me right now. Move so you’re lying with your head on the pillow.”
She locks eyes with me and slides back. As I watch, I pull my belt from all its loops and toss it to the floor before I settle in beside her. I take the sheet and pull it in around us both. My cock is so hard behind the confines of these pants it’s painful.
Cierra nests in beside me. Her back is pressed against my chest. It would be so easy to let my hands do whatever they want. I need to just let her wade—us wade in the shallow end—for now. I wrap my arm across her upper chest, resting beneath her neck, and grip her shoulder with my right hand.
Her skin is soft everywhere. My hand kneads her shoulder almost like it is a stress ball. I’m wound so tight from wanting her this is letting some of that pressure go. I move her hair to the side with my nose and cheek, so I have a clear path to her neck.
I kiss her neck softly, just the base. I can taste a bit of her body spray on my lips. I want her to know that she doesn’t have to do any more than what she’s doing for us to be intimate.
“I knew you were strong because of how you worked on me, but your hands feel even stronger today,” she whispers.
“Is my touch hurting you?” I ask.
“No. I didn’t mean that. It’s a different kind of strong. It’s the soft kind. I’m not used to that from you or anyone really.”
“How does it feel?”
“Scary, but in a good way.”
“I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”
“I’m not afraid of you.”
I wrap my other arm over her mostly naked body. “Try and explain it.” I need her to talk.
“You won’t understand.” She curls her neck forward and kisses my forearm.
“Try me.”
“I didn’t see you as a man until I woke up on the road. You always were, in my mind, a pain in my ass or whatever other body part you wanted to torture for the day. I went to sleep as a defense mechanism after we left Sun Valley but when I woke up, I noticed how defeated you were. It struck something inside me. I recognized your pain. That’s why I hugged you.
“That’s all I wanted forever and didn’t get it. I reacted out of instinct. Now, I’m nearly naked in bed with you for the second night in a row, you’re holding me, and kissing me. I don’t know where this is going. That’s okay and it’s not.”
“Do you need to know?” I ask, not really having any answers for her, only more questions.
“Eventually, yes. Right now? No. You could have kept me at arm’s length, but you didn’t. I realize I started this with that hug, but this is so beyond that. Why? Why me? Why now?”
Those are good honest questions. Why her? Why now? The first is easy. The second, not so much.
“Cierra, you don’t think much of yourself sometimes, do you?” I can feel her retreat instantly. The tension in her body is not one of a sexual nature. It’s one of I’ve called her out and she doesn’t want to answer. I continue a couple of soft kisses on her neck. “We’re here naked. We might as well dive into all of it.”
“Turning therapist?” she bites back a bit.
“No. It’s not about that.” I turn her over in my arms so we are nose-to-nose, chest-to-chest. “I don’t take this decision lightly. If and when we go further, I need to know more of you.”
She rests her cheek on my chest to avoid eye contact with me. Her words vibrate against my skin. “My confidence is limited to the ice. I love my mom. I do, but she never took much time with me in the ways that would have helped me be confident in other areas.
“I’ve always been awkward with boys…men. They either assume because I’ve been on my own, I’m wanting to r
ace to the finish line or that I’m some little pet project because I’ve been sheltered to a point. I’m neither of those things.”
I begin stroking my fingers lazily up and down her spine. “Will you let me tell you what I see?” She nods quickly three times then pulls her hand up to just under her chin. “I see a woman who’s scared but also never more ready to do anything and everything in front of her, if she’d get out of her own way. You are challenging, strong, stubborn, beautiful, intelligent, but most of all, bigger than all that, your heart is huge.
“That’s a blessing and a curse. You feel more but you hurt more. My guess is you used the ice to deal with a lot. If you were pissed, your practice got out a lot of aggression. If you were sad, your programs were the way you dealt with shit. Without it, your main coping mechanism was shot. Right?”
Her head slowly lifts off my chest and her eyes try to find mine in the near dark. Every so often, a bit of light connects, and I see a waterfall holding barely at bay. “How did you know?”
“How do I know? I’ve been you. I am you. I had the perfect existence until I blew my first knee. My connection to my entire past was shot to shit in that one moment. Everything since has been about trying to get it back. Then admitting it was never going to be like it was and I had to adapt. I’m still adapting, clearly.
“Do you understand why I push you so damn hard day in and day out?”
“Misery loves company?”
I know she’s trying to make light. That’s also a defense mechanism she excels in, but no. Hell no. My fingers stop their walk on her back. “Jesus, Cierra. I want better for you. I want more for you. That’s my job as a coach and a friend.”
“Coaches and friends don’t end up half naked in bed, holding each other like this.”
“No. They don’t,” I sigh. “I want more for you. I want you to see and have things I didn’t have. I want your dreams to have a chance where mine didn’t.” That is as honest as I can make it for her. It’s truly not from a selfish place, like I want to live through her. I see myself in her. That is part of why I keep her close but also keep her away.
“I want you to get it back not for your parents, Coach B, or to spite old rivals. I want you to have it for yourself. I’d rather have you try and fail than quit. At least then you’d have zero excuses. That’s why I went to Australia. Be brave enough to have no excuses.”
~~~
We don’t say much after that. I think we both realize we’ve said all we need to in the moment. We do feel though. My hands never leave her body and hers never leave mine. It’s hard fighting the urge to touch her in places my mind wants to go.
I feel her shiver sometimes. My fingers across the base of her neck before the shoulder blades do it. There is a small spot near her tailbone and to the left that makes her jump. I hit it every now and again, to get a reaction on purpose. Each time she inhales deeply then kisses my chest.
There are places I wish she would touch. I hope that opportunity will one day present itself. After some time, her breathing begins to slow and the tension in her arms leaves. She’s finally asleep. These aren’t the deep breaths I heard from her last night in the motel. Everything about her right now is soft and gentle.
Holding her feels so right, yet I can feel this bubbling of fear and uncertainty below the surface inside me. Everything always looks different in the morning. Will I still feel the same? I’d like to think I know the answer to that question.
The even bigger question is will she feel the same? I’ve given her so much to think about. The bugger of it is that she doesn’t realize what tomorrow is. I didn’t count on yesterday and today when I planned it out. I don’t want her to end up hating me, but she just might.
Chapter 29
Cierra
Things have been awkward since we woke up this morning. Spencer has been on and off. Distant and present. My Spencer from last night still had me in his arms as his annoying alarm went off. Why would he set one if time didn’t matter?
He was still on with breakfast, sort of, in bed for both of us. He made sure we shared pancakes and bacon again with much-needed juice and coffee. The centerpiece on the tray this morning was the rose he brought to the door and the rose left on my pillow. But he was off with the silence. He’s not a talker sometimes. I know that. I wish he hadn’t chosen now to be so Spencer.
It is the road where I feel it the most. Leaving Las Vegas was the descent to where we are now. The minute we encased ourselves back into the car with him behind the wheel, he’s back to all business and near total silence. His ball cap is hiding the bit of his eyes I could see whether his sunglasses are on or not. I rest my head on my hand. My elbow is propped in the open window, allowing the desert breeze to flow in as we make our way south to our final destination, as he’s calling it.
I reach across the console to try and close our distance with my left hand and lay it on his thigh. I can’t stand this wall he’s tossed up. He doesn’t take my hand at first, but I can outlast his stubborn ass. He finally reaches down and lays his hand over mine. I close my eyes without thinking.
That simple bit of touch is comforting. I start to go back over last night in my mind, as if it was far away. I can still see him across the club in all black. His blond hair wound in my fingers. His fingers on places I wish they were right now. I can feel that flutter feeling inside me.
I feel him watching me. This time I don’t want to bust him in his private thoughts. I’m getting the full sense he needs them. I just wish I knew why. All this thinking is too much. I think way too much all the time. Last night was the first time in a while that I opted to feel instead. I didn’t think I was still tired but the motion of the car and the deeper I drift in the memories, I realize I am.
When I wake, the weather has changed a bit. There are a few more clouds. There’s a bit more humidity in the air. The foliage has gone from cactus and red clay to greenery, palm trees, firs, and flowers. When I focus on the cars going around us, most of their license plates read California.
“When are you going to tell me where you’re taking me, Spencer? You said not to ask. Well, as you well know, I have trouble listening. Please tell me.”
“We are going to train today. It will be in a place you should feel comfortable.”
“Train? Are you serious?”
“You know I am. You’ve known it for a while.”
“I don’t like the words you’re choosing or how cold you’re being.”
“I’m not being cold. You’ll understand when we get there.”
Spencer makes a left off Highway 91 onto Paramount Boulevard. We’re now in a semi-residential neighborhood outside Los Angeles from what I’m able to gather. What the hell is he up to? With each light we have to stop for, his body posture becomes more rigid. He kisses the back of my hand and puts it back in my lap.
“You really know how to give a girl whiplash and a severe case of anxiety.”
“I’m not trying to. If you don’t get anything out of this today, know I’m doing this for you.”
“What does that even mean?” He doesn’t answer. Before I can pressure him further, I see it, big and white looming large in front of me. “No. No. Did I say no? I mean hell no!”
Lakewood Rinks. Motherfucker! How did I not put two and two together? The Rinks is a premiere training facility for Learn to Skate skaters all the way up to current and former Olympic champions. One of the best coaches in the world has set up residency here. He’s trained some of the athletes I’ve competed against for years, the ones I’ve strived to be, the ones I’ve chased and the ones I’ve admired most.
How could he bring me here? Why would he do that? The archways of the building are big and daunting. I don’t belong here. We park in the aisle on the side of the building. He puts the car in park. I don’t take off my seat belt. I don’t move. I don’t speak. I’m not going to move. I can’t.
I thought I had anxiety before. This, being here outside this building, has set off every trigg
er I have. “Cierra? Where are you right now?”
I shake my head slowly. My insides are vibrating like my cell phone alarm on a table, but the only outward motion I can create is that of no. I can’t do this.
“Cierra. This was always the endgame. This is the only way I am going to know, we are going to know, if you are coming back. My hockey bag has your skates in it too. I knew if you saw them, you would have fought me.”
I finally blast him, “You’re damn right I would have! How fucking dare you bring me here and shove it down my throat. I’m not ready for this.”
“You are ready. You’ve been ready physically for weeks, possibly months. Your brace is a crutch. You haven’t needed it. The way you moved in your heels last night proved that. It’s your way to hide. No more. I’m not going to let you hide anymore. You are going to get out of this car. You are going to go in that building. You are going to put your skates on and you’re going to give me the next two hours. After that two hours, if you can tell me you don’t love it anymore, I’ll accept it, we’ll call Coach B together and end it. But you have to give me your all for two hours first.”
“Is that why you let me dress up that dress? Watch me in those heels? Last night? Was last night to ensure this?”
“I’m going to assume that’s your fear talking and I’m not going to dignify it with a response. Inside there’s a locker room off the lobby for you to change clothes.” Spencer tosses a small bag at me. It hits me just at the top of my chest. It comes in with such a force. It is all proof I need to know I’d hurt him. “You have ten minutes then I’m coming in after you.”
“I’m not a child.”
“Then fucking prove it.”
He climbs from the car before I can say any more and I can hear him rustling in the back with his gear bag. Our gear bag, apparently. Fear? Why do people assume it’s fucking fear and not that I don’t love it like I used to? I can see his damn two hours and raise him many more. Before he can slam the back hatch on the SUV, I’m already slamming a door of my own and marching into the rink.
