The best way to respond is to ask a short, clarifying, question to find out what the real question is, instead of jumping in and floundering around. Open questions lead to more information, while closed questions require a yes or no answer…and then an awkward pause. For example, a closed question would be, “Do you mean the children who have died as a result of the toxins from the factory?” Don’t assume or jump to conclusions.
Here’s an example of how to deal with a fuzzy question:
Questioner: “What about the children?”
Clarifying Response: “What exactly concerns you about the issue of children?”
Questioner: “Well, you’re talking about agricultural projects in developing countries. What about child labor?”
If you still don’t know what the questioner is referring to, ask another clarifying question.
Second Clarifying Response: “Specifically, do you have a particular country or project in mind when it comes to child labor?”
Questioner: “Well, actually, I know that in some countries it’s unrealistic to expect children won’t be working on farms. I’m wondering if any of your projects have found the most effective way to incorporate education in these cases.”
One of our clients told us that during his public dissemination of the World Bank’s annual World Development Report he was asked by a journalist, “What about North Korea?” The problem with fuzzy questions is that, in your effort to answer quickly, you jump to conclusions, and often they are the wrong conclusions. This client said his instinct was to start opining about the political situation in North Korea, but since he’d just taken one of our courses, he applied our technique for answering fuzzy questions. So instead he asked the journalist, “What specifically do you want to know about North Korea?” The journalist replied, “Do you include poverty figures on North Korea in this year’s report? I know data has been difficult to find on that issue.” Our client said he internally gave a huge sigh of relief. If he’d started talking about the controversial political situation in North Korea the whole press conference could have gone off the rails.
Sometimes you will get vague questions by questioners who really don’t know what they want to ask you. You’ll quickly figure this out after one or two clarifying open questions. At this point, you want to take your best shot, and ask an insightful question yourself.
Here’s an example:
Questioner: “Can you tell me about your projects in Africa?”
Clarifying Response (from an IMF official): “Can you be more specific about the country or region you are most interested in?”
Questioner: “Um. Any country.”
Clarifying Response: “OK. We give countries advice and technical assistance on a range of monetary and fiscal policy issues. Any issue in particular?”
Questioner: “Not really, just tell me about your projects in Africa.”
Answer: “Ah, certainly. As you know, we don’t actually do typical projects in Africa like the World Bank does, but I’m sure you’ll be interested to know how we’re working with several African countries advising them on banking sector reform. For example…”
“Pick one!” Questions
The last kind of potentially tricky question can throw any speaker into a blank-faced panic. These are questions like:
“So what’s the single most important point of this report?”
“That was a great hour-long speech. What’s the one thing we should remember?”
“What’s the top priority for your organization this year?”
We’ve seen these “pick one!” questions flummox the most experienced speakers. When we throw this kind of query to our clients, they often respond with confusion: “But it’s impossible to say just one! We have five key priorities this year and they are all important. One without the other is meaningless and misleading.”
The reality is, you have to pick one thing when you are asked these questions. This becomes easier if you qualify it. Here’s an example from someone we worked with on IFC’s annual Doing Business Report:
Question: “What’s the main point of this latest Doing Business Report?”
Answer: “Since this is an anniversary issue, I’ll take a big picture view and say the main point is that all the countries we’ve been following for 15 years – developed and developing – have made reforms that make it easier for entrepreneurs to start companies and create jobs. Let’s drill down and look at impact now…”
This is key: once you answer the question by picking one topic, you are in control and can take the answer anywhere you like. Remember that your questioner often doesn’t know exactly what to ask and is saying subliminally, “Look, this topic is very broad. Please just give me one thing to focus on so we can get the discussion rolling.” So go ahead and choose something that gives the listener something interesting and relevant.
To Review
• Don’t repeat false charges or emotionally volatile words and phrases. (I am not a crook!)
• Handle hostile questions with a clear denial, then stick to information, don’t react with emotion.
• Rephrase hostile but true questions in neutral language, focusing on the legitimate issue embedded in the original question. Don’t repeat hyperbolic language and don’t get defensive.
• Correct factual mistakes in misinformed questions gracefully and briefly, then get to the point.
• Focus general questions by getting specific quickly and taking your listeners down one road, not a roundabout. Don’t answer a broad question with a general answer that gives no interesting, concrete information.
• Focus fuzzy, vague questions by asking open questions in a friendly tone to figure out what the questioner really wants to know. Don’t asked closed questions that may lead to awkward tangents.
• When asked to “pick one,” do it. Qualify your pick, then take the answer in the direction you want to go. Don’t give a laundry list.
Part IV
Creating Connection
Chapter 9
Micro-messages
Communication is so much more than the words we choose or even the body language we use to enhance those words. Charles Darwin was among the first to realize the importance of facial expressions in human communication (The Expression of Emotions in Man and Animals, 1872). Researcher and professor Dr Paul Ekman expanded on that research and has spent over 40 years studying communication, emotions and human expressions, including compiling a massive book on every known facial expression and its corresponding meaning (Dr Ekman’s life and work was popularized in the US TV show Lie to Me). His books and research conclude that humans share some universal facial expressions (even those in isolated, preliterate cultures) that we read instantly, that affect us when we read them, and that we believe more than the words we hear. A raised eyebrow, a smirk, pursed lips, a dramatic eye roll – these are all expressions that evoke strong emotional responses when we receive them. How often have you thought to yourself, “I just don’t like John, I’m not sure why. It’s a gut feeling; we just don’t connect.” You may be responding to negative facial expressions “John” is using towards you.
Of course, micro-messages go beyond facial expressions. They include many of the nuanced and often unconscious signals that pass back and forth in almost every interaction. They reveal “what we really feel, and carry powerful clues as to what exists between the lines,” according to Stephen Young, author of Micromessaging: Why Great Leadership Is Beyond Words.
You might wonder, what’s the point of a system of subtle messages if they are unconscious and most of us miss them? How could that even develop? The answer that makes sense to us is that spoken language is a relatively recent development in humans. It probably happened less than 100,000 years ago. For some five million years prior to that, as our evolution was separating us from the other great apes, we were living in small cooperative bands like chimpanzees or baboons. Researchers who observe these social groups of animals point out a wealth of
information communicated without language. Animals like us evolved with tremendous sensitivity to each other’s subtle signals. What most likely happened is that as language evolved in humankind, our conscious selves paid attention to the words of others, while our unconscious selves stayed tuned to the deeper, older micro-messages.
It was a few years into our partnership before Tim realized that Teresa was skilled at consciously reading micro-messages. We had just finished a meeting with a client about a potential contract with them that year in Denmark. After the meeting, Tim said ebulliently to Teresa, “Well, I guess we are on our way to Copenhagen.”
Teresa looked incredulous. “Are you kidding? This is not going to happen.”
Tim protested, “But we just spent 2 hours with her telling us what she wants us to do. She just said she was going to bring us over to work with her people. She talked about specific dates!”
Teresa replied, “Didn’t you notice that as she was saying that she dropped eye contact completely and looked down, and her voice got lower and quieter?”
Tim was dumbstruck. He had heard only the words. Teresa had read the micro-messages. We never got the assignment.
The Impact of Micro-messages
Positive micro-messages bestow approval, trust and authority on the receiver. Negative micro-messages subtly convey disapproval, lack of trust, and undermine the authority of the receiver. MIT researcher Mary Rowe, PhD, first coined the term “micro-inequities” to define these negative micro-messages and the damage they inflict. The key is to be aware of whether you are sending out any of these negative messages and, if you’re on the receiving end of them, to make sure they don’t affect your performance and demeanor.
Kate, a recent client, is a great example of the importance of being aware of micro-messages you may be sending. Kate is a rising star in her global organization, but she was complaining to us about her communications issue with her manager, Dan. “He hates me! He never speaks directly to me, and sends other people as messengers when he must communicate,” she said. “And I’m only ever nice to him. For instance, last week he got into the elevator with me and I asked him how his weekend was. He just said ‘Fine,’ in a brusque tone, then turned away from me and wouldn’t even look at me.”
Teresa asked Kate, “Close your eyes for a moment. Do you remember the expression on your face when the doors to the elevator opened, and you saw Dan standing there, and then get in the elevator with you?” Kate paused, then nodded. “OK. Can you duplicate that expression now?” Kate opened her eyes and her face changed. Her eyes had narrowed and her lip was curled up a bit. “What are you feeling with that expression?”
“Oh,” replied Kate, alarmed. “It’s contempt. The truth is, I really don’t respect Dan at all and feel he’s a waste of space. Yikes, I guess it shows on my face when I talk to him. No wonder he avoids me!”
Here are five types of micro-messages, followed by examples of which ones you can use to enhance your communication and which ones to avoid:
• Facial expressions
• Tone of voice
• Gestures
• Eye contact
• Choice of words
Facial expressions. Examples of facial expressions that send out positive micro-messages include smiling; round, open eyes; softened features. Negative facial expressions include frowning, lip biting and exaggerated, fake smiles. Even no facial expression is disconcerting. When communicating, we constantly read our listeners’ faces to see how they’re responding to what we’re saying.
Tone of voice. Your voice can either sound sharp and brusque, or warm and soft. Think about how you speak to a child or loved one. It’s very different from your tone towards someone you dislike.
Gestures. Research has shown that we feel positive towards those who gesture towards us with their palms facing upward, while downward hand gestures with palms facing the floor connote dismissiveness. Be careful not to point a finger at someone or an audience, unless you are bestowing praise on them. It comes across as hectoring. (A wildlife guide in Rwanda told us that even wild gorillas find it aggressive when humans point at them.)
Open gestures generally convey openness and acceptance. How can we resist liking someone who greets us with arms wide open ready for a big hug? That’s preferable to someone who stands with their arms crossed and their body turned away from us as we approach.
Eyes. Eye contact is supremely important for people to feel heard and to feel in rapport.
One woman who worked for a prestigious international organization told us about the time she quit her job, solely because of eye contact. Apparently, her male supervisor would not make eye contact with her. At first she thought it was a cultural issue, as he was from South Asia and she was North American. But she noticed he did make eye contact with the other women in the office…she was the only one he would not make eye contact with. She felt that she could not even discuss this issue; it would sound strange! So she decided to quit. At this point in our training workshop we asked the five others in the room if this kind of thing had ever happened to them; had they ever been compelled to quit a job because of negative micro-messages? They all raised their hands.
One exception is that in many cultures, particularly in East Asia, sustained, direct eye contact may be perceived as intrusive, aggressive or rude. Even in this context, however, eye contact matters. You must still look at an East Asian to show you are giving them your attention, just more generally at their person, just not straight in the eye for a long period.
Choice of words. How often have women complained about being called “girls” in the workplace? In performance reviews, it’s been noticed that gender plays a role in the kinds of words used to describe male and female employees. Men are more likely to see words such as “decisive,” “results-oriented,” “leadership skills.” While women tend to see these words crop up: “cheerful,” “team player,” “easy to get along with.”
The words people choose also give you a clue about the power dynamic between you. If you show up for a meeting with someone you see as a peer, and that person starts by saying, “What can I do for you?” they are establishing a relationship in which they have the power and you are a supplicant. Similarly, a person who says, “I’m sorry” when there is no need to apologize is signaling they see themselves in a weak position. For example, starting a scheduled meeting by saying, “I’m sorry to be taking up your time.”
Pay attention to word choice to make sure you’re not sending unintended micro-messages.
Dealing with Negative Micro-messages
The first viable steps for dealing with received negative micro-messages are:
• Becoming consciously aware of them
• Not taking them personally
• Strategically countering them in ways that create positive change
The Direct Approach
The direct approach can be quite efficient in some instances, and it must be done judiciously. It is easiest with those with whom you have a close rapport. Follow these three steps:
1. State the context and the problem, in specific terms. (Not: “You never make eye contact with me,” or “You always give me an eye roll when I speak.”)
2. Give a clear description about the new behavior you are requesting in the future.
3. Don’t complain; don’t justify your request. (Not: “It makes me feel so bad when you do that, and it’s just awful!”)
Examples:
“Carl, I’m not sure you’re aware of this, but the last three times I’ve come into your office for a meeting, you continued to type and look at your computer, and didn’t make eye contact with me. It’s hard for me to connect with you if you’re multi-tasking. I know how busy you are. Could we agree to keep these meetings brief, and pay full attention to each other?”
Here’s one Teresa used recently in a workshop:
“Joan, did you have a question about the last session?”
“No, why?”
“I
’m not sure you’re aware of it, but you had a frown on your face during the last teaching session, so I thought you might have some questions.”
Joan was quite shocked to learn that she had a tendency to frown when she concentrated. We videotaped her during a conversation and she saw it for herself and was appalled. This is an important issue when it comes to micro-messages. We may be sending unintentional messages through our unconscious expressions.
Notes:
• Have this conversation in private.
• Begin by using the person’s name. Make eye contact, use a warm voice tone, and keep your expression pleasant and neutral.
• Focus on future behavior. Don’t complain; don’t justify your request.
• Don’t make it personal. Just state the facts and the specific behavior you want.
• Do not talk about how the behavior makes you FEEL. Others can dismiss or disagree with feelings and emotions. They can immediately argue, even if silently to themselves, that they are not responsible for the way you feel.
Mirroring
Mirroring is the natural tendency we have as humans to copy the body language and facial expressions of others. When people are genuinely engaged, their micro-messages (such as posture and gestures) tend to fall into sync. This facilitates discussion and agreement much like different instruments playing music in harmony. You can use mirroring to your benefit. For example, if your listener has stopped making eye contact and seems distracted, pause for a moment. Hearing you pause, the person will look at you. Now smile a genuinely friendly smile. It will be natural for the person to smile back at you.
The Master Communicator's Handbook Page 7
