However, if you receive negative micro-messages, make sure you don’t fall into the trap of mirroring those negative signals. If you walk into a room full of people with crossed arms, make sure your body language remains open.
Ally Mirroring
Ally mirroring combines direct requesting and mirroring. With this technique you make a request of a peer or junior for specific behavior to model in the presence of an audience from whom you expect or have already received negative micro-messages.
Example of requesting ally-mirroring:
“Huang, in past meetings with the finance ministry of this country, many of the men had difficulty recognizing the authority of a woman, even though I am the head of the mission team. So here’s what I would like you to do: When we enter the room, let me enter first, and I’ll introduce myself and the team. If they approach you first, smile and gesture towards me so they will address me first. If one of the officials directs a question to you, please look at me. I will either answer it, or give you the nod to go ahead. I’m confident these steps will avoid any awkward embarrassment so we can focus on the important issues we need to resolve.”
One of our client organizations has used ally mirroring among staff members who come from cultures that are not used to speaking up or being interrupted in meetings. During meetings, those who are aware of these issues will step in if someone is interrupting a speaker, or will ask one of their “allies” for their perspective on an issue.
Pattern breaking
If your listener seems stuck in a pattern of negative micro-messages (frowning, distracted, looking bored), change your own body language in a way that will gain his or her attention.
Examples:
• Make a friendly gesture towards him or her
• Take a step towards him or her, in an engaging manner
• Change your position – either stand up or sit down
• Suddenly change your tone of voice (speak more loudly or more softly, or in a warmer tone)
• Ask a question
To sum up, understanding micro-messages is crucial to learning how to create rapport with others in three ways:
1. Becoming conscious of the signals others send provides you with important information about them.
2. Becoming aware of the signals you send enhances trust (because your words and non-verbal signals will be better aligned).
3. Identifying and counteracting negative micro-messages of others gives you the ability to respond to them in positive ways and create a more positive dynamic.
Chapter 10
Creating Rapport
Rapport is the “X factor” of great communicators. Mahatma Gandhi, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Oprah Winfrey, Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi – they all create a sense of immediate rapport when they communicate, whether to a huge crowd or one on one. Simply put, rapport is defined as a “relationship of affinity.” This means you feel a powerful sense of connection with the speaker. It has been said of Bill Clinton that during his election campaigns he would spend just a few seconds with each person as he worked through a crowd, but in those seconds he made each person feel as if he or she was the most important person in the world to him.
When that sense of connection is established, people enter a unique state. They tune in and open up a more highly conscious receptive channel for communications. This receptivity is actually hardwired into our physiology through the vagus nerve in a way that brain scientists are only just beginning to understand.
The vagus nerve functions like an emotional telephone in each of us that can be connected and disconnected at the flip of a switch. It’s a network of nerves that surrounds our digestive system, our heart, throat, jaw and lower face, and is wired into the emotional processing centers of our brain. It connects up our physiology, our facial expressions and our emotions. When we say we have a “gut feeling” or a “heartache,” that’s the vagus nerve at work, connecting our felt sensations with our emotions.
There is a virtual “switch” in this vagus nerve system, which can immediately put us into one of two modes: “relaxed and receptive” (the parasympathetic nervous system) or highly stressed – the “flight, fight or freeze” state (the sympathetic nervous system, or survival mode). Rapport can only happen between you and your audience when they are in the relaxed and receptive mode.
Think about how hard it is to have a conversation with someone who is angry or fearful or traumatized. We know we need them to calm down before they can hear us or listen to reason.
In the other mode, the parasympathetic nervous system is in charge. It’s what kicks in when there are no threats and we feel safe. This “rest and relax” mode is sometimes known as “relate and procreate.” In humans, it puts us in a calm state in which we are receptive and open to communication.
To be an effective communicator you need to develop some skill at flipping the emotional switch to the right mode, in other words, to create rapport when it’s not happening naturally.
How can we do that? Most people tend to think the ability to create rapport is something extroverts are born with, like the celebrated speakers we listed at the start of the chapter. Or that you can fake it and fool people by being a good actor and reading books about how to win friends and make anyone like you. But in the course of 20 years teaching communications skills, we’ve discovered that the kind of rapport we’re talking about can be learned, and it must be genuine.
Almost everyone knows how to be in rapport with at least one special person in his or her life – typically a family member or old friend. The trick lies in seeing that creating rapport is a natural ability we all have, rather than something that only happens over a long period of time. You can practice creating rapport with people you don’t know well, in your workplace or at conferences. The way to do this is by becoming aware of micro-messages, by really seeing the people you’re communicating with as individuals you care about, and by consciously sending out your energy to those individuals.
In order to “send out your energy” you first need to generate it inside of you. This takes conscious practice. First, close your eyes and think of the energy you want to project for an upcoming talk or conversation. It could be calmness, it could be excitement, it could be your own definition – like “electric POW!” Feel that energy build inside your chest, starting like a small spark, then building and expanding so it seems to fill you all inside – spreading from your chest, into your stomach, diaphragm, up into your face and into your brain. It sometimes helps to visualize this energy as a color, abstract images, or even a place that inspires you with the energy you’re trying to create. For example, you may think of a soft color blue if “calm” is want you want to project, or a recent walk you took along a deserted beach that made you feel calm and grounded. Stay with this energy; remember it. When you open your eyes, be aware of the expression on your face as you feel this energy surging inside of you, filling you. Picture this energy coming out towards the audience with every word you say and in every strong eye connection you make, like a gushing fire hose or an invisible electric current.
Surprisingly, this is actually easier for introverts to master, because introverts already must generate energy within themselves for almost every human interaction. Extroverts turn socialization into energy, so in effect, they bring energy into themselves from others, and then have enough extra to send it out again as well. Receiving energy like this from a speaker is riveting for audiences, and you will achieve great impact. For the speaker, this connection keeps you present and “in the zone.” It’s absolutely exhilarating.
Micro-messages and Rapport
We covered micro-messages in the previous chapter. Being able to send the right micro-messages is crucial for connection with your audience. Here’s a short list of the micro-messages you can use specifically to create rapport (some pertain more directly to one-on-one conversations):
• Friendly eye contact
• Open gestures
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� Smiling authentically, with your eyes, not just your mouth
• Warm tone of voice
• Body facing the other person, leaning forward just a bit
• Sending out warm, positive energy through your eyes and voice
• Active listening when the other is speaking, including nodding for agreement
• Showing curiosity and interest by asking open questions
• Early on, asking three questions that elicit a “yes” from the other
• Using words that correspond with the mood or energy you want to set
• Matching your breathing rhythm to theirs
It’s hard to imagine consciously remembering all these at once while delivering a speech or having a conversation. Here’s a short-cut method that can help you practice and put your own package of rapport skills together all at once:
First, think of someone you know with whom you have great natural rapport. This person could be a parent or sibling, lifelong friend, spouse or mentor. Remember a recent time when you were in conversation with this person and you felt a deep sense of communion and connectedness with them. Picture as clearly as you can the look in their eyes, their face and smile, the tone of voice, their gestures. Notice in your mind’s eye all the other subtle signals that formed a part of that conversation and how it made you feel. You will probably want to hold that feeling for a while – because even the memory of being in rapport feels great. When you let it go, write down exactly what micro-messages you remember. If you actually take the step of writing these down, it will help you consolidate all these signals into one package. Then, when you want to create rapport with someone or an audience, you can recall what it was like to be in this state of rapport with this one person, and those subtle signals will all be there for you in this new context.
Mirroring and Rapport
When two people are in deep rapport, they have a tendency to sit or stand in such a way that they seem to be mirrors of each other. As discussed in the previous chapter, this is called mirroring. Both may sit with legs crossed, hands folded on a knee, leaning in at the same angle, their heads both tilted slightly to one side. You’ll notice this if you watch couples on dates or old friends getting together. Mirroring is a powerful way of expressing rapport. It’s as if we not only feel affinity for the other; in a way we also merge identities with the other. At moments like these, people finish each other’s sentences or say the exact same thing at the same time.
Synchronization
Besides your body language, you can also mirror the speed, tone and volume of the other person’s voice. If the person speaks softly and slowly, for instance, lower your volume and speak at a slower pace than your normal rate. A slow talker will drive a fast talker crazy. Similarly, a quiet, soft-spoken individual will not feel at ease with a loud, boisterous speaker.
Breathing “in sync” is also important. A respiratory specialist told us the fastest way he can help patients in acute respiratory distress is to focus on their breathing, start to breathe with them, and once they are in sync, he can slow down their breath rate.
Active Listening
When you listen attentively to others, you are taking in the information that comes through their words, the information that comes through their voices, and the information conveyed by their rhythm, gestures, postures and facial expressions.
Use open questions and clarifying questions to elicit information; don’t add your own information. If the other person says they like kayaking, don’t immediately interrupt with, “I remember when I went kayaking once, I really enjoyed it…” When you jump in like this, it may seem like you are creating rapport by establishing a common interest. But often what happens is you have refocused the conversation onto yourself, and are no longer in listening mode.
Better to say: “Sounds like you really enjoy kayaking.”
“Yes.”
“Tell me about the most enjoyable kayaking experience you had…”
Yes is a signal of social connection, and social connection feels good to us humans. It feels good to say “yes.” It feels like sharing common ground, like belonging to the same group. When we say yes to several questions in a row, another force is exerted. This is the force of pattern. Human beings manage the enormous flow of information through consciousness by organizing information into patterns. Patterns tell us how things fit together; they also tell us what comes next. Sharing a pattern is a powerful form of agreement because it suggests that the agreement will continue through time.
Here’s how one skilled practitioner of rapport began a conversation with Teresa recently:
“Oh, you live in Bethesda, Maryland – that’s pretty close to Baltimore, right?”
“Yes.”
“I lived in Baltimore for a time. I also hear that Georgetown in DC, near where you live, is a great place to walk around, and reminiscent of the rowhouses of Baltimore, is that right?”
“Yes, it is.”
“And you must enjoy the cherry blossom season in Washington DC. I’ve seen pictures and it looks so beautiful!”
“Yes, it’s amazing.”
You can use all or some of these techniques to bring your listeners into better rapport. Of course, do this subtly, and only when your goal is to create genuine understanding. Salespersons and politicians are infamous for using their skills at faking rapport to achieve their ends. True rapport is authentic, and people can tell. Our aim is to instill in you the awareness that when you are truly in rapport with your audience, your impact as a communicator is powerful and magical.
Exercises in Creating Rapport
Two exercises to practice on your own will help you become more aware of elements like energy, mirroring and micro-messages. First, find someone you don’t know well, perhaps a new colleague at work, and have a conversation with them in which your only goal is to understand what the world is like for them. Find out what they are working on or what interests them. Take them out for coffee and ask them what they do for fun, or what is their favorite hobby or sport.
During the conversation, use your package of rapport signals and notice the signals they give back to you. Ask open questions to elicit more information. If they are talking about their love of kayaking, ask, “What does it feel like when you’re out on the water on a perfect day?” or “How different do you feel after an hour on the water?”
Asking questions that make your audience go into their right brains, to access memory and emotions, is a natural way to create rapport. If you are successful at truly stepping into rapport with this person, you will find by the end of the conversation you will have forgotten all about “doing an exercise,” and have gotten completely caught up in the conversation. You will also find both you and the other person have shifted from normal work mode into a state that is relaxed and yet energetic. You will likely both walk away from the conversation with a more positive connection with each other and sense of trust. You will have created rapport.
The second exercise is more challenging: Have the same kind of conversation with someone at work who you find difficult, someone you don’t have rapport with – but if you did, your day at the office would be much more pleasant. If you succeed here, you are well on your way to becoming a master at creating rapport.
Establishing Rapport in Public Speaking
The beginning moments of a public presentation are crucial to creating rapport with an audience. If a speaker comes across as relaxed, warm and energized, the audience relaxes and settles in to enjoy the presentation. On the other hand, if the speaker is tense or distracted, the audience will pick this up and find it difficult to concentrate on the content of the talk. Here are a few tactics that can help you come across as your best self and establish good rapport from the very beginning of your talk:
Arrive early. Check the technology if you are using visuals such as PowerPoint. Check the microphone levels. Give yourself time to deal with any last-minute issues so that you are calm and unruffled before your talk begins.<
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Own the room. Before the audience arrives, stand at the front of the stage where you will be presenting. Imagine the room full of people smiling at you. Walk around with your hands on your hips for at least 2 minutes (a pose that triggers the release of testosterone – a hormone that makes you feel confident, and lowers cortisol, the stress hormone). This helps you take an unfamiliar space and make it into your territory.
Cue yourself for success. Develop a ritual that brings out the best in you. It might be remembering an activity you love and are good at – playing the violin, dancing, bowling. Think about what you are like when you are in “the zone” and let those positive feelings fill you as you are waiting to speak. It might be remembering a person who inspires you, or a talented speaker you seek to emulate. The singer Beyoncé has often said that since she is quite shy personally, she has had to create the character “Sasha Fierce” for her performances, and it’s really “Sasha” who the audience sees on stage. It may also work to have a soundtrack, or theme song you hear in your head, or actually hear in headphones, that will pump you up. Also, you may simply pick a phrase that energizes you, such as “I got this!” or “It’s Showtime!”
Create connection in the first few seconds. After you are introduced, smile warmly and greet the audience. Don’t rush. This is the crucial moment of connection, when your audience gets their initial sense of who you are, your level of comfort, authority and confidence. Pause after you say “Good morning,” to give them a chance to return the greeting and smile back at you. Your warm demeanor cues the audience on an unconscious physiological level that you are relaxed and comfortable so they can relax and be receptive to your words and ideas.
The Master Communicator's Handbook Page 8
