by Serena Grey
I thought I was in love with you, but I was wrong.
A scream built in my throat. I felt sick. There was a carved flower planter on the sidewalk, as tall as my waist, sprouting geraniums that were beautifully illuminated by the street lights. I leaned on the edge of the concrete, needing the balance, needing a moment to get my senses in order.
I didn’t notice the SUV until it stopped right in front of me. Leonard approached me quietly, and I glared at him, feeling almost feral in my anger.
“Let me guess—you’re here to take me home.”
He looked sad. “Whenever you’re ready.”
“How much does he pay you to do his dirty work?” I spat, my voice bitter. There were tears on my cheeks, and I pulled in a deep breath of the cool night air. “I don’t need a ride, Leonard, thank you. You can tell him to go fuck himself.”
We were still standing in front of the venue, and I saw Leonard look inside the building. Through the glass, I could see Jason still standing in the brightly lit lobby, his hands in his pockets, watching us.
I clutched my purse and walked past Leonard, back into the building. Jason watched me approach him and his face shuttered.
“You’re lying,” I said, my voice steady.
He looked tired. “There’s no point to this conversation.”
“What conversation, Jason? We haven’t even talked. Tell me the truth—why are you lying to me?”
He didn’t answer.
“You had a ring!” My voice rose, and I stopped and took a breath. “You had a ring. I saw it, at the beach house. What happened? Where did you go when you left me there? What changed?”
“My mother tried to take her own life,” he said quietly. “I went to see her.” He looked at me long and hard. “I know.”
I stared at him, suddenly comprehending. I felt weak. How could I not have guessed? I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands. “That’s why…oh God!”
He didn’t say anything, didn’t move. He waited until I uncovered my face and raised my gaze to his again. I read the sadness in his eyes. He knew, and he’d dealt with the knowledge alone, refusing to share it with me. I’d been concerned with sparing him the pain, and when he’d found it, he’d borne it alone.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why?” His voice was full of accusation. “You already knew.”
“If you know that, then you know I don’t care. You don’t get to decide, alone, what we’re doing about this. You don’t get to push me away.”
He laughed. “You’re one to talk. You kept it from me.”
“Because I was waiting for the right time.”
“And when would that have been?” He shook his head. “Go home,” he said softly. “This is for the best.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not going to let you push me away. You love me.”
“Love?” He laughed, and it sounded like he was barely holding himself together. “Daphne, you are my life, but I’m not going to take yours away from you. Everything has changed.”
“No, it hasn’t,” I cried. “Nothing has changed for me.”
“Then you’re fooling yourself.”
I stared at him, unable to believe how willing he was to walk away from us.
“Did you get tested?”
He stared at me, and my heart shrank in fear, but then he shook his head and hope soared again.
“Then there’s a chance all this is over…nothing!”
“And there’s a chance it’s not. What then? What happens when we find out I’m going to lose my brain cells and become a burden to everyone who loves me?”
“You could never be a burden to me.”
He smiled bitterly. “Go home, Daphne.”
“No. What about what I want? You said you’d never leave me to be alone again. You said you’d stay if I asked you to. You made promises.”
“That I can’t keep.” His voice cracked. “What did you spend all your adult life trying to avoid, Daphne? Why did you spend all those years alone?”
I didn’t answer.
“Everything you feared is what I can offer you right now. One day, you’re going to find yourself alone again. I can’t control this. You deserve better.”
“I don’t want better. I’m not going to let you throw what we have away. I love you—don’t you at least care about that?”
“I care.” His voice rose. “I care so much it’s fucking killing me.” He caught hold of himself and sighed. “I’m in no place to keep any of my promises to you, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can forget about me.”
He took my elbow and led me outside. I followed him mutely and let him help me into the car. I felt numb and frozen inside.
The door shut with him on the other side, and when Leonard started to drive, I watched as Jason stood alone on the sidewalk. I watched as he receded out of sight, and I felt like I was drowning.
Chapter Nine
“He’s not talking to anyone,” Amy told me a couple of nights later. I’d told her everything, and between her concern for me and her worry over Jason, I feared we were putting a real shadow on her happiness. “Mom and Dad have been trying to have a conversation with him about everything…about maybe getting tested, but he doesn’t even want to discuss it at all.”
I understood Jason’s hesitation to get tested. A positive result could have profound emotional consequences. For someone like him, with the world at his fingertips, it could be devastating.
I wanted to be there for him, whether he chose to get tested or not.
I wanted to share everything he was going through.
Yet he’d shut me out, and I had no way of getting through to him.
“I had no idea.” Her eyes watered. “I wish you’d given me a hint. I might have come back sooner.”
“It’s not like there’s anything you could have done.”
“I could’ve been here.” She sighed. “You were all alone.”
“It was hell when I thought…when I didn’t know what to think. Now that I know why he’s pushing me away, at least I know he loves me, that he hasn’t stopped loving me.”
Amy put her arm around me. “I really hate this.”
“Let’s talk about something else,” I suggested. “Tell me about Colin’s family.”
“I can’t remember.” She scowled, and I chuckled. “His parents want to come to visit. Dad and Mom have been planning an engagement party, something big, especially since we haven’t picked a date for the wedding…which will be in England.”
“In a castle?”
“Maybe.” She smiled. “I don’t feel much like partying, though, not with…everything.”
“Where’s your optimism?” I smiled. “You’re the one who always says everything will work out.”
“Do you think it will…this time?”
I sighed. “It has to.” My life, my happiness, my future with Jason all depended on it.
Though my job title at work had changed, I still had the same office. My revised workload included more meetings, a closer working relationship with our authors, and fewer raw manuscripts from the slush pile. I rarely had visitors at work, so when I got a call from the receptionist one afternoon saying I had a visitor, my first reaction was puzzlement.
“Who is it?”
“Helen Wild?”
I found Amy’s mom waiting for me in the small reception area. She got up when she saw me and gave me one of her softly scented hugs.
“You look good,” she told me.
“Considering…” I said wryly.
She sighed. “I was hoping we could talk. Will you join me for lunch?’
“Of course.” I glanced at my watch. “Give me a minute.”
I went to get my purse then we walked together to a little bistro not far from my office. Helen talked a bit about Amy and Colin’s wedding plans as we strolled, but once we were seated, her face turned serious.
“I came to town to see Jason,” she told me.
She nodded.
“Lucky you.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness from my voice.
She sighed. “He wouldn’t tell me much,” she said sadly. “This thing…it’s eating at him and he’s isolating himself, even from his family. It breaks my heart.”
I closed my eyes. Mine was already shattered.
“He doesn’t want to get tested,” she said. “I understand why. Many people would rather not know, but Jason is not like that. Maybe he thinks not knowing is better for him, but it’s not. He needs to know, to plan, to be in control. He’s tearing himself apart, and he’s too stubborn to see it.”
“I know.” I gave her a sad smile. Our food had arrived, and I pushed at the crisp leaves of my salad with my fork. The last thing on my mind was food. “He’s made up his mind.”
“You can change it,” she urged, concern shining in her eyes. “Don’t give up on him.”
“How…?” I swallowed. He’d shut me out completely. I had no access to him, and the knowledge that he thought he was doing it for my own good was poor consolation for the pain of being pushed out of his life.
She looked from my face to my plate. “Eat, Daphne. You look like you need it.”
Her motherly concern gave me a bittersweet ache, but I did as she asked, finishing my salad. She got the check, waving me off when I tried to pay.
“There’s something else,” she said. “Sarah…his mother.” She closed her eyes as if the words hurt her to say. “She’s here. After her suicide attempt, he brought her to a facility upstate.”
“How is she?”
“He didn’t say. He didn’t tell me where exactly she is, but I know he’s been to see her a few times.”
Maybe she could convince him to get tested. As the thought occurred to me, I started wondering how I could get to her.
“I could talk to her,” I said, thinking out loud
“I was thinking about it, but…” Helen shook her head, choosing not to say whatever was on her mind. She got up and patted my hand. “Remember what I said—don’t give up on him.”
I imagined Jason, alone with everything he must be feeling. “I won’t.”
She took a cab from the bistro, and after I waved goodbye to her, I called the one person I knew could help me.
Leonard answered on the first ring.
“Hello, Miss.” His voice was warm.
“I need your help,” I said without preamble.
There was a short pause. “Anything.”
I sighed. “Where is Sarah Wild? I know she’s in a facility in the state.”
I thought I would need to convince him, but he gave me a name, phone number, and address without hesitation. “It’s about an hour away, but you have to call ahead.”
“Thank you, Leonard,” I said gratefully. “Thank you.”
“Is that all?”
I swallowed. “How is he?”
“Not doing as well as when he’s around a certain someone.” Leonard coughed. “I mean you.”
I smiled. “I know who you meant.”
There was a small chuckle on his end. “Take care, dear.”
I made a call to the facility then made arrangements for my absence from the office. In about half an hour, I was in a hired car on my way to see Jason’s mother.
I wasn’t sure what to expect. My destination was a tree-lined estate with perfectly manicured lawns and a brick-lined building that could have passed for a family mansion. In the lobby, a young girl with a blonde ponytail and a white uniform took my name, and then after a short wait, she called an orderly, who led me to a balcony on an upper floor. It had a spectacular view of the gardens but was walled entirely with clear glass.
Sarah was seated in a soft-looking armchair, the only one around, staring out at the expanse of lawn, trees, and flowers. She turned to the door when I entered and looked me up and down.
Her expression was unfriendly, but I wasn’t fazed.
“You look good,” I said. She did look much better than the last time I’d seen her. He hair had a better luster, and her skin shone with health.
“You don’t.” She cocked her head to one side and peered at me. “What happened to you?”
I shrugged. “So, you finally got to talk to Jason.”
“I did. I gathered you didn’t bother to tell him the things I told you.”
“I was going to.”
“When?” She laughed mockingly. “You were too concerned about losing him to tell him something he needed to know.”
She was right, and it hurt. I swallowed my pain, taking a deep breath.
“Are you undergoing any treatment?” I asked.
She shrugged. “There is no treatment. I paint sometimes, and Jason comes to see me. One day, I won’t recognize him, and he’ll see what’s in store for him.”
There was something vicarious in the way she said it, like she enjoyed the idea of sharing this terrible legacy with someone.
I took a seat opposite her. “Have you considered that he’s not affected?”
She smiled at me. “You’re thinking wishfully. Spare yourself the hope. I know he is.”
“How?” I paused. “Why haven’t you tried to convince him to get tested?” She turned away and concentrated on something beyond the glass, so I leaned forward. “There’s a fifty percent chance—”
“I know all that.’ She waved me off. “There’s no need. I’ve got it. He’s got it. He’s my blood, and I’m the only one who understands what he’ll go through.”
“Is that what you need him to think?”
She glared. “What do you mean?”
“You wanted your son back, and now you’ve got him. You don’t care that he’s pushing away everyone he’s ever loved. You don’t care that he’s alone, feeling broken, afraid to find out if maybe he’s not going to suffer this…you just want him.”
“And why shouldn’t I have him?” she spat. “He’s my son.”
“You abandoned him.”
“I left him because I love him.”
“You left because you chose yourself and your pain over the people who needed you, and now you’re encouraging him to do the same.”
She got up. “I don’t expect you to understand. I’m his mother. You’re just a girl who thinks she’s special, but guess what? You’re nothing to him. He’s left you behind. Stop trying to fight it. You’re only embarrassing yourself.”
“That’s enough.” I’d been so caught up in the hurtful words she was hurling at me that I hadn’t heard the door open. Jason stood in the doorway, his eyes blazing. He stepped into the room, and I stood. If he was angry with me, he was going to have to deal with it. I wasn’t going to give up on him without a fight.
As he neared me, I studied him. His hair was tousled, and his attire was a dark sweater and jeans. He’d lost weight, but he still looked great. Somewhere in my head, I wondered why he wasn’t dressed for work.
“Your girlfriend came here to harass me,” Sarah told him sharply.
His lips thinned, but he didn’t say anything to her. “Daphne?”
“I was just leaving,” I said. I walked past him, expecting him to stay behind with his mother, but he followed me outside past the reception area to the enormous entrance porch ringed with shrubs and flowering plants that swayed in the breeze.
I folded my arms, feeling defensive. “Did Leonard tell you I was coming here?”
He shook his head. “When you called, I got an alert. She usually doesn’t get many…any visitors.”
“I’m not surprised,” I said unkindly. I’d have been surprised if she had any friends.
He gave me a look. “She’s my mother.”
“She gave birth to you,” I retorted. “Do you know who’s worrying about you right now, concerned that you’re falling apart? Your mom, Helen! This woman just…she just—”
“I know. I overheard enough.”
“You’re pushing everyone away—for what? You don’t
have to do this alone, whether you get tested or not, whether you’re affected or not—”
“You think I haven’t thought about this?” His voice rang with sudden impatience. “What do you think I’ve been doing? What do you think I’ve been obsessing about every day, every night?” He took a step toward me then stopped himself. “What you’re asking me to do…I can’t do it to you. I miss you so much it kills me, but you’ve already been through enough. You don’t deserve this.”
“And you do?”
He let out a bitter laugh. “Does it matter now?”
“Jason.” I reached for him, placing my hands on his arms. “Jason, if it were me, would you leave if I told to?”
His eyes closed. “I could never. It would kill me to ever leave your side.”
I drew in a breath. “Then understand that you’re killing me right now.”
He didn’t say anything, and I walked away. My ride was parked close to the entrance, and I gave Jason one last look as I slid in, my eyes stinging as the car made its way out of the compound through the wrought iron gates. I could feel him still standing there, watching, but I refused to turn back to look at him.
Chapter Ten
Days passed, then a week, then another. Colin’s parent made the trip over, and Helen and Grant made plans for a large dinner party at their home to celebrate the engagement.
The day of the party, I arrived early, and the arrangements Helen had made took my breath away. The garden had been converted to something out of a fairy tale with a long dinner table, beribboned chairs, and colorful flowers on the table and around the garden in strategically placed flowerpots.
“It’s so beautiful,” I exclaimed when she led me out to show me the decorations.
“I’m hoping it helps lift the gloom around here, even if only for one evening,” Helen said.
I went upstairs to join Amy. I’d brought some last-minute wardrobe change options for her, and she agonized over which dress to wear.
