by Karen Klyne
Her mum laughed. “God, that would’ve killed him. He’d blame my parents, of course. They were very arty. I suppose in a way you’re an artist of sorts. You like creating.”
“Yeah. Dad wasn’t over enamoured about that choice either. All that hard-earned money he’d spent on my education, and I chose to do a bit of cooking.”
“I’m pleased you made that choice. I’m incredibly proud of you.”
Between courses, Kim leaned her elbows on the table. “So, where have you been all my life?”
Her mum settled back into her chair. “I think you know the first part. Your father was a vet, and I took my dog to his surgery. I’d almost finished my engineering course when we started dating. He knew from the start that I wanted a career and never seemed to have a problem with it. We got married and bought a cottage in Cauthwell. He wanted children. I did, but I wanted to wait. He convinced me it was good timing. He promised that once you reached school age, we’d hire a nanny and I could finish my course. When you were born, I couldn’t have loved you more. Believe me.” Her mum swallowed and then continued. “You started school, and I enrolled on my course. He went ballistic. He said it was all a load of nonsense and thought I’d have got over that notion by now, that I should stay home and be a good wife and mum. He’d lied to me. However, I was determined to make it work. It wasn’t easy, but I juggled everything around to suit your father. I could never do anything right, though. He sacked the nanny. She was unsuitable. Another one lasted long enough for me to get my degree. His words were, ‘You’ve proved your point, now you can get back to being a mother.’ I was furious. I remember going upstairs, moving my stuff into the spare room, and crying myself to sleep.”
Kim covered her mouth with her hand. She reached over and clasped her mum’s hand. “That’s awful.” Her dad had been steadfast and opinionated, but he’d never shown that side of himself to her.
Her mum wiped her nose. “All he wanted was a mother for his child. He’d stopped wanting me as a wife years before. Anyway, by the morning I’d made my decision. We’d go to my parents in Paris. I couldn’t give up my dreams, and I couldn’t live in a loveless, controlling marriage for another day. I went downstairs. It was early, and you weren’t awake, and I thought maybe we could slip out unnoticed. I heard your father running down the stairs. He knew what I had in mind. He laughed at me. He had the money, and he’d fight me tooth and nail, make my life, and maybe yours, miserable. I pleaded with him, but I knew he’d never give you up. His only promise was that he’d always keep me informed about you. He’d send photos, he’d let me have some input into decisions on the condition that I kept quiet and stayed out of the way. You were too young to understand. He wouldn’t even let me say goodbye to you. I went to Paris alone, and it absolutely broke me to leave you behind. But things had gone too far at that point, and there was no going back.”
Kim shook her head. “I’m ashamed. I always blamed you for not wanting me…for not loving me enough.”
Her mum got up and walked around the table, and Kim got up, too. They hugged and everyone in the restaurant stared. Who cared? At last, they’d found each other, and there’d be no parting them. They could get on with their lives together. A weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and it was now time to move on. It was fortuitous that she’d come to Paris…thanks to Phil.
Kim picked up the bill, and they made their way back home. Home. Was it just a place where someone loved you? What did that make her new place in Cauthwell?
In the morning, like the day before, her mother came into her room and placed a cup of tea on the bedside table. Kim propped her pillows up and put her arms behind her head. “I can’t believe it’s New Year’s Eve. Come on, tell me. What have you got planned for today?”
“Have you heard of Le Jules Verne restaurant in the Eiffel Tower?”
“Yep.” She’d read about it and how exclusive it was, and damn near impossible to get a table.
“Well, a year ago, Pierre booked a table there. At the time he thought he’d be here. I didn’t cancel because…well, who knows? It would be a shame to waste it.”
Kim flung her arms around her mother. “I’d be delighted to take Pierre’s place. That would be a once in a lifetime experience.”
“As far as the rest of the day is concerned, I thought we’d visit the Louvre, have a light lunch, and then on to Montmartre.”
Kim jumped out of bed. “I’ll be ready in thirty minutes.” Her mum kissed her on the cheek and disappeared. What was Phil doing tonight? Would she be out at the club, picking up some random woman for a night of no-strings attached fun? Was she thinking about Kim at all? With a shuddering sigh she got in the shower, determined to put it out of her mind and have a nice day. It was easier said than done.
After their croissants and coffee, they took off for their adventure. The Louvre was just as magnificent as she remembered. She couldn’t believe how similar their tastes in art were. It was a wonderful sensation just to wander around without a care in the world. Her heartache remained, but she chose to put it to the back of her mind. For now, her mum took precedence over Phil, and she hoped it would remain that way. They had a tasty sandwich and then headed to Montmartre. It was mid-afternoon, and the sun had disappeared behind the clouds, and it was turning dark. The lights shone as they walked through the streets arm in arm.
Her mum nudged her and pointed up to the top of the hill. “The Sacré Coeur Basilica. What a splendid sight.”
“Can we go in?”
“I think we should.”
They could have taken the funicular, but then they’d have missed out on walking all those twisty turning roads that made Montmartre so fascinating. Once inside it was so peaceful. Kim lit a candle for her father, and her mother lit one too. It was a special moment shared.
On the way down they stopped at a book stall. Kim browsed, and then she came across an old book of poems.
Her mum turned her nose up. “Phew, it smells musty.”
“I know. But I want something special to remember this day.”
Her mother kissed her on the cheek. “This day is implanted in my memory forever.”
What lovely words. The sense of loneliness that had invaded Kim’s life since the death of her father began to lift. She might have lost Phil, but she wasn’t alone.
Afterwards, they took the metro back to the apartment then disappeared into their rooms to prepare for the evening.
When Kim got downstairs, her mum stood at the kitchen door. “You look beautiful, Kim. I love those satin trousers. Did you buy them in Paris?”
Kim laughed. “Actually, I bought them in our local boutique in Cauthwell. The owner brought out this silver camisole and the black jacket…and voila, here I am. You look super, too.” Kim meant it. Her mum was so elegant. Kim didn’t think she took after her on that score, but at least Kim wasn’t an embarrassment.
Their taxi arrived and took them to the Eiffel Tower. They took the elevator up and arrived at their destination. The maître d’ showed them to their table, which overlooked the sights of Paris. They opted for the menu degustation which included the wines. The price was at the bottom of the page, and although it was her mum’s treat, she couldn’t help but think how many people could be fed for the same amount. Paris, like anywhere else in the world, had their own homeless community. She didn’t bring it into the conversation. What would be the point? However, she did wonder how her mum and Pierre would view her menu at the Pheasant. Simple fare in a simple place. Her mother would possibly be perfectly at ease, though she couldn’t speak for Pierre. Her mum made him sound nice, down to earth even. She was always worrying when perhaps there was no need.
They ploughed through many courses, each served with a selection of different wines.
Her mum looked so happy. Kim was too, except for the images of Phil that kept drifting through her mind. This new year was supposed to be so different to the one she was having.
When she’d devoured the crispy towe
r nut dessert, she told her mum that she couldn’t eat another morsel.
Her mum looked at her watch. “Good, because it’s almost time to leave.”
She ordered a taxi back to the apartment. Her friend, Adele, lived next door. When she opened it, she flung her arms around Kim’s mum.
“Eva. I’m so glad you made it.” She stood back and looked Kim up and down. She smiled. “At last we meet. You’re the image of your mother.”
Kim had always thought she’d resembled her father, but as she studied her mum, she began to see a similarity.
Adele kissed her cheeks and took her hand. “Come.”
She introduced Kim to the group of about twenty people who were all French, but when they found out she was English, they switched languages. She warmed to them all immediately and relaxed.
At midnight, the champagne corks exploded. Her mum took her in her arms and held her tightly. Then they toasted each other and their “absent friends.” She was sure her mum was thinking of Pierre, and Kim was thinking of Phil. Her heart ached at the bittersweet moment. She’d regained family but lost love. What she wouldn’t give to have both. They left the party a few hours later and stumbled into their beds. It had been such a good day. One that Kim had never envisaged but would never forget.
Chapter Twenty
Ever since she’d arrived in London, Cass had done nothing but fuss over Phil. At first she’d enjoyed the TLC, but now it felt smothering. Even Rebecca was considerate, though she thought she still had reservations about Phil, particularly after her treatment of Elaine. Her caution was warranted, and in the face of the mess with Kim, she wouldn’t blame anyone for doubting her. Phil hardly dared let her mind wander, because it always strayed right back to Cauthwell and to Kim. She hadn’t spoken much about the breakup, and Cass knew not to push her. Eventually, she’d open up. For the moment, she nursed the wound like it was her last connection to something special.
On New Year’s Eve they ate at the restaurant first and then went on to a club. Try as Phil might, she couldn’t snap out of her doldrums. She tried to put on a happy façade, tried to join in the laughter and hope that usually infused the beginning of the new year, but Cass knew her well enough to know she was faking it. She looked around at all the women surrounding her, but all she could see was Kim’s face and her expression of hurt and anger as she stormed out the door.
Rebecca excused herself and joined two women at the bar. One of the women turned around. It was Elaine. She was holding the other woman’s hand. She was pleased Elaine had found someone. She deserved better than Phil, and at least she didn’t have to go through the embarrassment of bumping into Elaine on her own.
Cass nudged her. “Spotted anything you fancy?”
Phil shook her head and kept her eyes on the pattern of spilled liquor on the floor. “I know you mean well, Cass, but to be honest, I don’t want to be here. And all I’m doing is ruining your evening. Would you mind if I disappeared back to the apartment?”
“Of course not.” Cass rummaged in her bag and came out with a bunch of keys. “Spare set. Oh, and there’s some champagne in the fridge if you fancy seeing the new year in.” She pointed a finger at Phil. “Don’t touch the gin. You know what it does to you if you’re down.”
“Okay, Mummy.” Phil got up. “Say ciao to Rebecca for me and have a great time.” She kissed Cass on the cheek. “See you sometime on New Year’s Day.”
When she got back to the apartment, she switched the TV on. Midnight struck, and she popped a bottle of champagne. “Happy New Year, Kim…wherever you are.” She let the tears fall. She’d had plenty of time to contemplate their fight, and she knew she was in the wrong. But there just wasn’t any way to fix it. What she did know was that it was time for a change. She didn’t want to be the wandering lover anymore. She wanted more, something with depth, someone to share life’s moments with. She fell asleep with her arms wrapped around a pillow, remembering the sweet scent of Kim’s hair and the way she felt curled in against her.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d awoken alone on New Year’s morning. Or without a hangover. It was a unique experience. However, she was miserable and lonely. She dressed, crept around the apartment, and grabbed a coat on the way out. It was quite mild for January, but after a long walk around the park she needed refreshment. Somewhere along the way she found a small café that was open. She ordered strong coffee and a hot breakfast.
When she got back, Cass was sitting in a wing backed chair nursing a glass with something fizzy in it, and it didn’t look like champagne.
“That bad, huh?”
Cass yawned. “Yeah. Thought I’d grab this and go back to bed.”
“Good plan.”
“Are you okay on your own?”
Phil folded her arms. “Do I really strike you as a wilting damsel?”
“Not usually, but I can see you’re suffering.” Cass held onto the arm of the chair and got up. “We’ll have a long chat tomorrow.”
“Sure. Now bugger off.” Ideally, she’d have loved to talk to Cass, but the timing wasn’t good. She looked around the apartment and felt lost among the odds and ends of other people’s lives. She couldn’t just sit there. She had an idea. It wasn’t something she’d usually do, but she took herself off to the sales in London. She didn’t want company, but neither did she wish to be on her own. It was a perfect decision, and all she wanted to do was kill time.
The blur of faces, of people laughing and chatting as they moved from shop to shop, the cars flying past…she’d never felt so alone. She’d left London because it was no longer home and being out by herself showed it that was still true. But Cauthwell couldn’t be home now either, not with Kim there and totally out of reach. She sat on a bench in Covent Garden and watched a lonely street performer, mostly ignored by the passers-by. She dropped some change in his hat as she left and saw in his eyes the recognition of her pain. She hurried away, unwilling to share that connection with a stranger. She spent the rest of that day and most of the next trying to lose herself in a book. She tried inane TV too, but nothing worked.
That evening, she and Cass went out together to a lovely little Italian pizzeria, and the private booths gave them a chance to talk. Phil did her utmost to discuss anything apart from Kim, but she could tell that Cass was itching to steer the conversation elsewhere.
Cass picked up her glass of red wine. “Cheers, Phil. Now let’s stop messing around. Tell me what’s happening.”
“It’s all gone tits up. Do you know what, she accused me of being unethical?”
Cass folded her arms across her chest. “Cut the crap, Phil. It’s me you’re talking to. Give me the real version.”
Phil opened her mouth to protest and then shut it again. Cass had already seen through the new script she’d written. She knew her better. “Well, she did hint at that.”
“I’m not surprised. I told you God knows how many times to come clean.”
“Why should I? I didn’t do anything underhanded. I bought the house fair and square.”
“What’s the matter with you, Phil? Are you deliberately trying to miss the point? The poor girl lived there with her dad. He passed away in that house. She was still distraught. She was trying to move on, and then you go and throw it all back in her face. What did you expect her to do? Jump into your arms and thank you for being such a hero? No. She was hurting like crazy, and you rubbed her nose in it. I love you, buddy, but sometimes you really do get in your own way.”
Phil jiggled her foot. She couldn’t meet Cass’s eyes and stared blankly into the distance. She looked back at Cass. “Anyway, it’s over now.” Phil gave a shrug. God, how she hated being in the wrong.
“Is that all you can say?”
“There’s not much else to say. She’s dumped me.”
Cass shook her head. “Grow up, Phil. She means more to you than that. You’re an asshole if you let her go. You’re super scared of commitment, and you keep on running away. If she’s the one,
are you going to let her go just because of your stupid pride?”
Phil tried to process Cass’s words. She closed her eyes and pictured Kim’s smile, her laugh, the way her eyes darkened when she was turned on. Was Kim that one special person? She’d never had the intimacy they’d shared with anyone else. She couldn’t ever recollect having the kind of relaxed fun she had with Kim. Kim made her glow inside and out. Love is a gift of one’s inner most soul to another so both can be whole. It was a Buddhist quote she’d read years ago and thought cheesy, but now she thought she might understand. With Kim, she felt whole. The fairy lights flickered in her head, and then they glowed brightly. “She’s special, more than special. She’s made me a better person, and you know that had to take some doing. What should I do?”
Cass reached out and took her hand.
“Help me, Cass. I’ve got to get her back.”
Chapter Twenty-One
On New Year’s Day, Kim made it down to the kitchen first. She made two mugs of tea and took them into her mum’s room. Her mum patted the bed, and she got in alongside her. She stroked Kim’s face with the back of her hand.
“So, tell me. Who’s broken your heart, my darling?”
Kim’s face burned, and she began to fiddle with a corner of the duvet. “Why do you ask that?”
“Let’s say it’s a mother’s intuition. And you mentioned needing motherly advice in your email. That’s rarely about anything other than love.”
It took a while before Kim answered. She wasn’t sure how much or how little to tell. “Phil is Alan Farrell’s partner in the business.”
“And is Phil a shortened name for Philip or Philippa?”
God, her mum was astute. It had taken about twenty questions before Iz had got it. Kim nodded. “Philippa.”
“Fine.” She put an arm around Kim’s shoulder. “Believe me, I’m not bothered either way.”
Kim kissed her mum’s cheek. “Thanks for not judging me. There have been a few people who didn’t take it well. Anyway, Phil was the auctioneer who sold Dad’s house. She did a great job, and we became friends. I liked her, and then I liked her a lot. To cut a long story short, we became an item.” Kim took a sip of her tea. “We had a few ups and downs in the beginning because of small minded people, but it was sorted out, and we seemed to be getting on well…until Boxing Day. She surprised me and took me around to her new home. But it turned out that she’d bought and renovated Dad’s house without telling me. I went ape and stormed out. I haven’t seen her since.”
