by V. Vaughn
“I—” How do I tell him I’m not sure? And what if I never remember who we used to be? “I really wish I could remember.” I untangle myself from him and stand. He stands as well, his hands fidgeting at his sides as if he wants to keep touching me. But I’m not quite ready for that yet. I wish I was. My body’s ready; it aches for him, but my mind is hesitant. There’s so much I need to work out, things I need to learn about him, about myself, before I can go further.
I say, “I think I need to be alone for a while, to really try to wrap my mind around what just happened and how I’m feeling about it.”
He nods. “Yes. I understand.”
“And,” my cheeks heat up as I resist the urge to cover my private parts with my hands, “I feel a little strange standing outside completely naked.”
Tristan’s lips twitch up into a grin. “Want me to get naked too?”
“You’re definitely naughty.”
“Guilty.” He shrugs, and I can’t help but smile back before I walk into the cabin. I make my way to the room I sleep in, and Tristan says, “Take all the time you need, Lexi. And I’m here for you in any way you need.”
I turn at the door and take a moment to look at him. “You really are incredible. Do you know that?”
“I feel the same way about you.”
The warmth of his love fills me before I shut the door, and I feel little regret, too, because he’s doing so much for me and I do next to nothing for him. I can’t help but wonder how much more of this situation Tristan can take.
A worn sweatshirt with frayed cuffs is feather light and soft on my body when I tug it on, and I imagine that’s why I keep it. After I pull on pants, I sit on the bed and lift my knees up to wrap my arms around them. When I let out a heavy sigh, it’s like a damn has broken and everything crashes down on me at once.
I’m a lion. I shake my head, trying to fathom how I was a jungle cat minutes ago. And that’s only part of what’s weighing on me. I can’t remember who I am or my life with Tristan. I press my fingers to my lips. They still tingle from Tristan’s kiss. So does my body. I’m humming with euphoric feelings like I’m falling in love for the first time. Being with him is fresh and exciting, yet odd, uncomfortable, and unnerving at the same time.
I rub a hand over my legs and flash to how strong they were when I was a lion. I know it just happened, and the sensations of being a predatory animal are still very real in my mind. But I’m still trying to come to terms with that event in my head. It seems so impossible.
But I know it is very real, because the fact that I just about tore Tristan apart to eat him… A shudder runs through me as I imagine the horror if I had. It makes me never want to shift again if that’s what it’s going to be like. My body did things I had no control over. And when I was the lion, I had no control over being an animal either. She was so overpowering and dominant that I didn’t stand a chance. I don’t want to kill anyone, especially not a man I really like and am starting to love.
Tears burn in my eyes. Tristan says he can help me control my lion, but what if he’s wrong? It’s not like I can stop shifting. I recall the glorious feelings that rushed through me like endorphins when I shifted. My lion was so relieved to be free. It was like releasing her from a cage she’d been locked up in for far too long. I can’t deny her that any more than I can deny myself air to breathe.
I pound on the mattress with my fist in frustration. Everything is so complicated and confusing. I don’t know what to do. Maybe the easy answer would be to just accept everything as is. Not to fight it. Part of me really wants to. But despite my amnesia, I have a feeling I can’t because that’s not who I am.
Chapter 18
TRISTAN
When Lexi closes the door, helplessness washes over me. I don’t know what to do next. Everything I’ve tried to help her regain her memory hasn’t worked, and I held on to the hope that shifting into her animal would. I thought the primal part of her would dislodge something, but it only managed to freak her out more.
I walk over to the living room where I was working earlier and pick up my water glass and an empty plate from a snack. Things Lexi usually quietly takes away for me so I’d don’t have to stop what I’m doing. She used to do it because she loved me, but now I think it’s because she feels like she needs to earn her keep. Dishes rattle in the dishwasher as I open it to deposit my dirty things.
The fact that Lexi’s memory is taking so long to come back is making me worry it never will. What if she doesn’t ever remember me? Us? How long will she stay before she just can’t live in a world she doesn’t know and one she doesn’t feel like she chose?
I rake my hands through my hair and immediately recall the way Lexi would laugh at the way it makes my hair stand on end. ‘Like ruffled bird feathers,’ she’d say to taunt the tiger in me. But that was the old Lexi. The one I might never get back. I let out a groan. I’m making myself crazy, and I no longer think I can do this on my own. I need someone to talk to about it all. I grab my cell phone from the kitchen counter and call my best friend Bruce. He usually has a good head on his big shoulders. Maybe he can offer me some solid advice.
He answers on the first ring. “What’s up, brother?”
“How fast can you get here?”
“What is it?”
“It’s Lexi. I’m not sure what to do and need advice.”
I can hear him shuffling his phone. There’s the hum of some machine in the background, and I guess he’s at work at the body shop. “I’ll be there in less than an hour.”
True to his word, Bruce arrives in his old beat-up pickup truck in thirty-five minutes. He must’ve jumped in his vehicle the moment I hung up with him and sped to the cabin, as the drive from Heartland is usually three-quarters of an hour.
He parks and jumps out of the truck, making the ground shake a little under his feet. Bruce is two hundred and fifty pounds of pure muscle. Bears shifters are like that. He works as a technician at the body shop in town. The guy could likely lift one of those cars all by himself without the help of a lift.
“You don’t look good, bro,” he says as he approaches with concern etched on his face. “You have dark circles under your eyes.”
“I haven’t been sleeping all that well.”
He glances at the cabin. “Is Lexi inside?”
I nod. “She’s resting.”
“Let’s go for a walk then.” He points to the path that leads into the trees behind my cabin. The path eventually opens up into a gorgeous meadow and pond and Lexi’s favorite tree where we’ve had several picnics together over the past two years.
When we’re away from the cabin, Bruce slaps me on the back with enough force an ordinary man would stumble, but as his friend and with a tiger in my core, I don’t. “Tell me. Maybe I can help.”
“I’ve tried everything to help Lexi regain her memories, but nothing’s working. I showed her pictures from our life, told her stories of how we met, and nothing.” I sigh and then shake my head. “She couldn’t even remember being a shifter.”
“What?” he looks at me incredulously. “How is that possible?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, but it’s true. She didn’t know. I shifted into my tiger in front of her to prove we even existed.”
“Wow. I don’t even know what to say to that.” He shakes his head. “What happened?”
“She freaked out at first, but then I could tell that she was digging it.”
“Her lion probably recognized your tiger,” he says.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought, so I figured I’d help her shift into her lion.”
“How did that go?” he asks.
“She couldn’t do it at first, but then she tried again, and she shifted.”
“And? I can tell by the look on your face that it wasn’t the miracle you were looking for.”
“She almost tried to eat me.”
He barks out a laugh. “You’re kidding me? You didn’t try to run, did you?”
“I d
idn’t! Although, now that I think about it, I did try to back away and that probably tempted her a bit.”
“Uh-huh,” he says as if he doesn’t believe me. “Oh, what I would’ve given to see that.”
“It’s not funny.”
“No, it’s funny, bro. It’s really funny, actually.”
I suppose if I watched him back away from another shifter in their animal form, I’d think it was funny too. We male shifters do have our pride and like to think nothing would scare us, even the smaller ones like a hawk friend of mine. I smack him in the shoulder. “Fine, it’s a bit funny.”
“How did she take it?”
“After I convinced her to shift back, she was pretty upset. I held her, and well, we ended up kissing.”
Bruce grinned. “Sounds like a good outcome to me.”
“It was great. Don’t get me wrong. All I’ve been thinking about since finding her in that hospital is touching her and being with her, but she doesn’t remember me, or us, or anything. So it kind of felt like I was taking advantage of the situation.”
He nods. “Ah, got it. Yeah, I guess that would be awkward.” He scrubs a hand over his beard. “I wish I could give you some guidance in that area, my brother, but really I’m the last person to be giving relationship advice. I can’t get my own shit together in that regard. I’m actually a miserable bastard right now.”
“Oh, I know, dude. You haven’t really been hiding it. You’re kind of a bummer to be around, honestly.”
He snorts and punches me in the arm. Thankfully he holds back when he’s joking, or else I’d be on the ground wincing in pain. The guy sometimes forgets his strength.
“You know, if you’d let me introduce you to Hillary, that could all change. I think you’d really dig her,” I suggest with a side-eye look at him. At the very least, Lexi’s exuberant bestie would force him to smile. That girl’s not one to give up on a curmudgeon like Bruce, and she’d make it her mission to get him to laugh. It’d be good for him.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. So you keep telling me.”
“Then what’s the issue?”
He shrugs. “I don’t want to look like a big fool. I’m not as well versed in the lovey-dovey stuff as you are.”
“Well, I’m not doing so great myself, right now.”
“You want to know what I think?” he asks, not expecting an answer. “You’re doing all the right things. You’re making her feel safe and secure, showing her things, and jeez, man… you even stayed human when she stalked you like prey. My bear…” he shakes his head. “I don’t think I’d have your kind of patience.”
I glance over at my buddy. He’s rough on the exterior, but deep inside he’s got a heart of gold. I think he’d do the same thing for the woman he loves. “Actually, if you felt the way I do about a woman, I bet you would.”
He raises his eyebrows at me, but I see a glimmer of doubt making me think I’ve hit home. My heart aches a little for the guy. He wants to find love, his mate. I’ve really got to get him to meet Hillary, but first I need to figure out how to keep my mate.
I ask, “What if Lexi never gets her memory back? What do I do then?”
“You wait for her to fall in love with you all over again. She’s your mate; she won’t be able to help it.”
He has a point, but I think the part I’m most concerned about is that I’ll have years of a history she doesn’t have. I’ll feel as if I’m more in love with her than she is me, and that kind of imbalance… Is what, a hit to my pride? I blow out a long breath, because I think I need to be patient a little longer and trust that our mate bond can get us through.
Bruce and I make our way back to the cabin in silence, and when we get there, he gives me a bear hug. “Keep at it, Tristan. You love that girl, and she knows it. You two are supposed to be together. Keep the faith.”
“Thanks, man.”
My spirits are lifted after Bruce leaves, and I go back into the cabin. Lexi’s bedroom door is still closed, and I walk over to press my ear against it. I hear the slow, rhythmic breathing of her slumber. I’m glad, because shifting likely wore her out. The process is a huge strain on our bodies.
She’ll be ravenous soon. A shifter’s metabolism works hard and fast, and she’ll need to eat to reenergize. And there’s nothing Lexi likes more than cookies to chow down on. Chocolate chip are her favorite. Mine too, so even if they don’t help her to remember, at least I’ll be able to drown my sorrow in thick, chocolatey-sweet goodness.
Chapter 19
LEXI
I blink open my eyes and roll over onto my back to look up at the wooden rafters on the ceiling. For a moment, I don’t remember where I am. And then I recall I don’t remember much of anything anyway. Fear of losing what I do have makes me review pertinent facts. My name is Lexi Masters, and I’m in Tristan’s cabin. He’s my boyfriend, and we’ve been together for two years. Oh, also, he’s a tiger. And well, I’m a lion. Huh. How’s that for basic life facts?
I actually chuckle out loud as I imagine saying them to Dr. Hamlin. He wouldn’t believe me. Actually… he probably would. Or would want to anyway. I recall the way Tristan was so desperate to get me out of the hospital and the eager look on Dr. Hamlin’s face to find I was awake so he could do more tests. If I’d recited those facts to him, he would have had me in a genetic testing lab so fast my head would spin. Poor Tristan. I was so scared and unsure if I could trust him that I didn’t make it easy for him to keep me safe.
My thoughts abruptly come to a complete standstill when the delicious scent of sugary baked goods fills my nose, and I know in an instant what’s baking. Chocolate chip cookies! I sit up with a perkiness that would rival Hillary’s because I think those cookies have to be another of my favorite things. And it’s just like Tristan to make them for me knowing it. He’s so attentive that way.
I count my lucky stars as I roll off the bed and make my way to the kitchen. I discover Tristan surrounded by trays of chocolate chip cookies. There are two baking sheets on the kitchen table and three are lined up on the counter, ready to bake. I guess there’s more in the oven. He glances up, holding a cookie on a spatula in mid-air.
“Jeez. Who took my boyfriend and replaced him with Martha Stewart?”
Tristan rewards me with a grin so big I’m glad I used the term boyfriend. “I prefer to think I’m more like the Pioneer Woman.”
“Ah, more home-cooked deliciousness than fancy?” I frown because I’m not sure how I’d even know that. And then I smile. Maybe my memory is coming back, or maybe it’s the cookies. It doesn’t matter, because what I do know is that I’m happy and more relaxed than I’ve been in days. Since I woke up in the hospital.
My stomach growls, and Tristan extends his spatula to me with a freshly baked cookie on it as he asks, “Good nap?”
“A great one.” The cookie is warm in my fingers, and the chocolate is gooey, leaving some on my fingers after I devour it. I moan with pure joy that only chocolate can bring before I speak with food still in my mouth. “Oh Lord, that’s so good.”
Tristan chuckles and wipes his finger along the side of his mouth. “You’ve got some on your face.”
“Oh,” I give him a sheepish smile as I wipe it off. Now that I’ve swallowed down my cookie, I glance around at all the baking sheets and ask, “Why did you make so many?”
He gives me a sheepish grin of his own. “I stress-eat baked goods.”
I laugh. And from the surprised look on Tristan’s face, I can tell he’s as pleased as I am about my joyful mood. I take in the man before me.
He’s stress-eating because he’s as upset about my memory loss as I am. Teaching me to shift again, especially the part where I almost ate him, had to have taken as much out of him as it did me. If that doesn’t prove he really cares about me, I’m not sure what would. I notice for the millionth time how attractive he is. How can a man who is so drop-dead sexy be so adorably sweet too? He’s the guy every woman in the world prays for. And somehow, he’s mine. How di
d I get so lucky?
“You’re in a really good mood, Lexi.”
“I know.” I roll my shoulders and realize the tension that seemed constant is gone. And I bet it’s because I don’t have an anxious lion inside trying to claw her way out. She had a bit of freedom earlier and can rest easy for a while. “There might be something to this shifting thing. I think my lion is happy she got to come out and play.” I take a seat at the table and grab another cookie to eat.
“Yeah?” I see hope in his eyes. And it makes me want to keep it there.
I take a bite of my treat, and as sweetness fills my mouth, I get an idea. “Tristan, what if—" I hesitate for a moment, wondering if my idea is a good as I think it is. And my immediate thought is I’d be a fool not to try to make something work with this man. “What if we reenact our first date? Maybe going through all the same motions will trigger that memory to come back to me.”
A smile lights up his face, confirming my idea is a good one. “I think that’s an awesome idea.”
“What did we do on our first date? Wait.” I shake my head because I want to get this right. “Start at the beginning. How did we meet?”
“My friend Bruce forced me to go out to a pub one night. I’m rather introverted and don’t like to be around a lot of people.”
“You don’t?” I ask.
“No. I mean I can be, and it’s just fine, but I prefer the solitude of say—well,” he chuckles, “a remote cabin in the woods.” He comes to sit across the table from me.
I smile, waiting for him to go on.
“Anyway, Bruce convinced me to go out one night and we met at a place called—Ha!!” His eyes twinkle as if he just thought of something funny. “The Lion’s Den. I can’t believe I never thought about the coincidence of the name. Probably because I was too enamored with you to care.”
That makes me laugh, too, before he says, “The moment I saw you I couldn’t stop staring. You were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Bruce noticed and shoved me off my bar stool to go talk to you. On the way over my confidence swelled.” He shrugs as if he’s embarrassed. “I still can’t believe you didn’t tell my cocky self to buzz off. Especially because I told you that I was going to do anything and everything to make you mine.”
