by V. Vaughn
I’ve run out of excuses, and it’s time to just apologize for being wrong. “I’m sorry, Griffin. I really am. I know I can’t change what happened in the past, but we can figure out something going forward, can’t we? For Daniel?”
He doesn’t respond. Griffin just stands there studying me. And I wonder if he’s thinking about how to take Daniel away from me.
All the fears I had about this conversation rush at me, and I nearly sink to my knees from the weight of them. But I stand my ground. I made a mistake, a really big one that isn’t going to just go away, but I won’t let Griffin destroy me because of it. I was protecting my son. And my heart. If I had to do it all over again, I’m not entirely convinced I would have done it differently. What I do know is that I can do this on my own, and I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to make sure Daniel remains mine.
Chapter 14
GRIFFIN
I stare at her, unsure of what more I can say. If Mandy had tried to get in touch with me six years ago saying it was important, I would have talked to her. If she’d told me that she was going to have my baby, I would’ve cared. I would have stepped up. Hell…
I close my eyes as a painful truth rings in my head. I might not have. Oh, I would have thrown money at her, made sure my son was provided for. But would I have been present in his life?
After that weekend in Vegas, I went on a worldwide tour. I was at the top of my musical career. I was into recreational drugs and the whole rock-and-roll lifestyle. I’d like to think the situation would have woken me up sooner, but I can’t say with complete honesty it would have. I let my mate go off thinking I never wanted to see her again. Compassion wasn’t exactly my thing at that point in my life.
I care so much now, though, because I’m not that same guy I was six years ago. But Mandy isn’t the same person she was then either.
I study her and notice the way her breasts are fuller now, her shoulders softer than they used to be. Her waist nips in further now than it used to. She definitely got those hips she said she was destined to have as if they were going to be a bad thing. She’s so incredibly beautiful and sexy. When I saw her naked in the forest, it was all I could do to keep my hands to myself. The inappropriate thoughts just kept coming, and I was glad she suggested coming here so we could put clothing on. Not that it’s hiding much of her, and I can still see it all in my mind.
Damn it. I’ve just learned I’m a father, and all I can do is think about sinking my cock into the woman who has betrayed me for the past six years. I recall how her skin tastes when I press my lips along her collarbone. I can hear her moans in my head if I were to lick my way down into the valley of her thighs. And the taste of her—
I clear my throat to stop that train of thought. She asked if I could find a way to work through our differences for Daniel. “Yes. Of course, we’ll do what’s best for Daniel. But I need to think, Mandy. This— This is a lot.”
“I know. I understand.” Her eyes get shiny, and I grimace because if she cries this is going to suck even more. I write songs about a woman’s tears being the ultimate weapon for a reason. Mandy’s are my kryptonite. Fortunately, she sniffs them back.
“I’m sorry it played out this way, Griffin.”
“Me too.” Even though I’m not furious any longer, the anger is still there, and I say, “I am going to be in Daniel’s life, whether you like it or not.”
She licks her lips, and I see the pain in her eyes. I hate that it’s there and that this whole thing has tortured her, but that still doesn’t make what she did right. She nods.
“I’m going to go,” I say. “I need some time to process everything. I’ll call you tomorrow sometime, and we can discuss this further.”
“That’s fair.”
I remove my towel and hand it to Mandy before I walk toward the front door with the intention of shifting outside to run back to the park and retrieve my things. But when I step out onto the stoop, I freeze. Mandy’s neighbors, a couple and their two children, are out on their front lawn. The father and son, who is probably around ten or eleven judging by his size, are tossing around a football.
They all smile and wave. I wave back, feeling odd that while it’s normal to see people naked in Heartland, it’s not normal when it’s a famous rock star. Do they recognize me? Is this going to be on the front page of some celebrity website or someone’s Instagram page? Since they don’t have cell phones and aren’t snapping pictures, I shake my head at myself and how jaded I’ve become before I shift.
I leap over the fence and run down the street as a panther, happy to be physical again to burn off the remnants of my anger.
Once I’m inside my home, I throw on sweats.
Sandwich fixings thud on the counter as I pull them out to make myself something to eat. As I slather mayonnaise on a piece of bread, I mull over what Mandy said, and my anger begins to simmer again as I recall her assumption that I would’ve thought she was after me for my money.
I would have never believed that about her. She isn’t just some random groupie I met on tour. She was my high school sweetheart. I loved her. Still do. But that’s changed…
Hasn’t it?
Chapter 15
MANDY
Once Griffin is gone, I drive to Hillary’s to pick up Daniel. When Hillary opens the door for me, she says, “Daniel’s sleeping in the guest room.”
I put on a brave face before following her inside, and she leads me to the living room where Alec is on the sofa with their baby Mia sleeping in his arms. I picture Griffin doing the same with Daniel as a baby, and it’s a stab to my heart.
“Hey, Mandy. Good to see you.”
“Hi, Alec. Thank you for looking after Daniel tonight.”
“No problem.” Mia coos, and he looks down at her. “He’s a great kid.”
“How did it go? Want a glass of wine? Tea?” Hillary asks.
I take one look at my friend’s compassionate expression, and the floodgates open. Tears rush down my cheeks, and I take in a quivering breath.
Alec stands. “I’ll go check in on Daniel.” With the baby still in his arms, he quietly walks out of the living room.
Hillary comes over to me and touches my arm. “What happened?”
“I made a huge mistake. I should’ve told Griffin about Daniel years ago. I should've told him when I first realized I was pregnant.” I relay all that I said to him and what he said back. I tell her about how he shifted and ran into the trees and how I followed him to make him talk to me. And how we left things with me not having any idea what he’s going to do now.
Hillary pulls me into a tight hug. “Everyone makes mistakes. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think. Give him some time to process.”
I nod and try to stop my crying. I let her hold me for a bit before I sniff and manage to pull myself together.
“What did Griffin say?”
“He was angry. Furious, Hillary. I’ve never seen him like that.”
“You rocked his world. I’m sure he’ll calm down.”
“He wants to be in Daniel’s life, but I have no idea how that’s going to work. I’m not even sure he plans on staying in town long. He’s got his career after all. And even if he does want to be in Daniel’s life, how do I know he won’t just pack up and leave us the way he did me?”
Hillary sighs, “You can’t change the past, Mandy. But surely he’s changed from the way he thought as an eighteen-year-old boy. I think you two can find a way to work this out.”
“Maybe. But what if he tries to take him away from me? What if he now thinks I’m a bad mother and wants to raise Daniel on his own?”
Hillary grabs my hand and squeezes. “I don’t know him, but honestly that doesn’t sound like what Griffin wants to do.”
She’s right. My mind just goes to the worst-case scenario when I’m upset. I can’t see Griffin doing that. It’s not in his nature to be cruel. He may have hurt me all those years ago, but I don’t in any way think he did it to be purposely mean.
He may be a selfish man at times, but he isn’t callous or spiteful.
I swipe at my tears. “I should get Daniel home.”
Hillary rubs my arm. “I’m happy to babysit anytime so you and Griffin can work things out privately.”
I nod, thankful for her offer. Hillary is a great friend, and I really appreciate her being her for me through this whole ordeal. I’m not sure I’d be able to bear it all alone.
Alec carries Daniel to the car for me, and I strap him in his car seat while he sleeps blissfully unaware. I envy his ability to sleep so soundly. On the drive home, I glance in the mirror to see his little head slumped down as if all is right in the world. I really hope for him it is. My heart aches as I imagine the upheaval he’ll experience if Griffin and I can’t find a way to deal with parenting him peacefully.
When I get him home and in bed, I try to imagine Daniel being somewhere else part-time, apart from me, and the pain of loss fills me. I climb onto his bed and curl myself around my son as if I can hold on to him forever. His little body warms me to the core, and I want to stay snuggled in next to my boy. I love him so much, and I hope that I didn’t ruin his life by not giving him a father. It’s a decision I’ve struggled with ever since he was born. There isn’t a day that goes by that the thought doesn’t cross my mind. And now the time has come that his father is in his life.
How are we going to get through this without disrupting Daniel’s life? I realize that I just can’t tell Griffin what I want, what I think is best, and assume he’ll go along with it. He’s Daniel’s father. He has rights. Regardless of what happened between us in the past, we’re going to have to work together.
I’m exhausted, but my mind is racing with all I need to consider for my son, and I can’t sleep. I slip out of Daniel’s bed and tiptoe out of his room. I pause to shut the door, leaving a small crack of light streaming in. He doesn’t like it all the way shut, and it’s those little details that Griffin is going to have learn about his son.
I make my way into the kitchen where I put the kettle on for tea, and I sit at the table to wait. And to think. I remember how afraid I was when I first realized I was pregnant. I felt so all alone, even though my parents were still in town then. They were there for me, of course, but my shame about an accidental pregnancy made me push them away. I was insistent I do it all myself.
I refused to tell them who Daniel’s father was, no matter how much my dad yelled about how he needed to step up and help me with my child. When Daniel was born and my mother held him for the first time, she asked if he was Griffin’s. I didn’t say it out loud, but my tears let her know she was right. She tsked at me and said the father had a right to know and that I didn’t have to do this all on my own.
All that did was make me blow up at my mom and push her further away. After my father died four years ago, she moved away to live with her sister in Canada, and she took my secret with her.
The kettle begins to whistle, and I rush to grab it before the sound can wake Daniel. I think about my mom and how she would have done anything to help me raise my son. I let out a strangled breath because I should have let her. I should have swallowed my pride instead of letting it become a wedge between us. It seems I shut out more people than just Daniel’s father.
I swallow back the tears that rush forward, and I decide that if I’m going to be making things right, I may as well try to patch things up with my mother, too, but later. First, I have to get through this mess with Griffin.
I have to deal with the consequences of keeping the truth from my child’s father, whatever they may be. And then, just maybe, I can begin to repair the rest of my life. But whatever I do, what’s best for Daniel has to come first.
Chapter 16
GRIFFIN
I stare at the cup of tea I’ve let get cold. Chamomile, because it’s supposed to calm you down. I figured I’d try it, considering the pushups and jumping jacks didn’t do much good. But I can’t seem to bring myself to drink what is basically hot water.
I’m not angry any longer about what Mandy did. Now I’m just hurt. But I’m beginning to see her side of the situation. Twelve years ago, I did shove her aside the minute I thought I had a real chance at fame, despite the fact that we’d professed our love for each other. It was no wonder she didn’t want to tell me about the baby. I basically discarded her. I was a total asshole the day I got the call and the days leading up to when I flew off to Los Angeles to become a rock star.
I flash back to that time and remember how my big break happened. It was shortly after my eighteenth birthday, just before Mandy and I were supposed to go on a road trip to see Aerosmith in New York. She’d saved all her waitress change for almost a year to afford the tickets for my birthday.
We were hanging out at my house, and Mandy was on my laptop checking out how many views I had on my latest YouTube video. She was excited at how quickly the numbers were climbing. She had a way of making me believe I was going to be a star no matter how much I might have been doubting myself.
I had just picked up my guitar to play her the new song I was working on when the phone rang. We were on a landline then, and I went into the kitchen to answer it. It was Jack Evans at Rock Recordings. He’d seen my videos and asked me if I wanted to be a rock star. I thought he was joking at first or that maybe it was a bad prank by one of my friends. But it turned out he was for real. And the next thing I knew I was agreeing to go to California to record a demo for him.
When I told Mandy, she was so excited for me. The next week was a blur of me practicing during every free moment, getting my things together to go to LA with the hope I’d be staying. My parents even bought me a one-way ticket so at the very least I could stay as long as I needed.
And Mandy? Well, she was part of my life I couldn’t wait to leave. I did tell her I’d call when I got there. She cried after all, and that really got me. For about one hot second, because I was too jazzed about becoming a star.
I didn’t call. As far as I was concerned, I had made it and left my small-town life behind. I think I might have texted her back one day to say I was too busy. I don’t even know. Hell, to this day I don’t even know if she went to the Aerosmith concert.
And well, when you treat someone that way, by the time you think to get in touch, they don’t want to talk to you. So, I didn’t bother. We didn’t speak again until I recognized her when she rushed the stage in Vegas. My god. I get up from my chair, and cold tea splashes in the sink when I empty my cup.
I let out a sigh as I recall seeing her again. It was like a dream. And man, when I pulled her up on stage to sing to her, it was as if I was singing to the woman I’d written the song for. That elusive being we all dream about. It hit me that she had been who I was writing songs for. My fantasy girl. My mate. I brought her back to my room and we had a night of sex I’ll never forget. Just before the sun rose, she told me she was still in love with me and probably would be for life. She knew we were mates.
I knew it too, but it was the last thing I needed in my life. My career had exploded, and I was on a rock star high that made me feel invincible, like I didn’t need anyone; they needed me. I told her that I didn’t have room in my life for a serious girlfriend. That I was on the road three weeks out of every month, and when I wasn’t playing stadiums, I was in the recording studio making new music.
She begged me to think about it, to consider how strong our connection was. And then she cried. I held her until she fell asleep, and like the coward I am, I snuck out and left her behind.
I groan as I let my head fall into my hands. And I think I have the right to be mad about the decision she made? I’m such an asshole. She’s right that I couldn’t be trusted back then. While I don’t think I’d have done anything to hurt her, she was right to think I wasn’t in a place where I wanted to be a father.
I get up and grab a beer from the fridge. I take a big swig, and cold liquid slides down my throat as I wonder how I could have been so cruel. I suppose I could blame the
drugs. I was high more often than I wasn’t back then, but that’s lame. Deep down I knew what I was doing. I knew some of the choices I was making were bad ones.
I chuckle. I know just how to deal with my self-loathing. It’s bound to inspire a few hit songs. My manager will be thrilled. I down the rest of my beer, hoping the alcohol will take the edge of my mood. But I have a feeling I’ll need about twenty more to kill this pain.
Besides, I’m a father, and now that I know that, it’s time to step up and be the man I need to be for my son. As for Mandy… Well, she deserves so much better than the likes of me. The least I can do for her is be civil about whatever arrangements she wants to make for me to see Daniel. I’d like joint custody, and to make that happen I think I have to stay in Heartland.
I glance around the kitchen of my childhood home. There’s a drip coffee maker and a basic electric stove. I notice the section of the wallpaper that has the faintest stain from when my mother picked up a hot pot of spaghetti sauce without oven mitts.
I walk over and place my hand on the stain, and the paper is smooth under my finger when I rub it and recall how she dropped the pot and sauce splashed onto the wall. She scrubbed for days to make it go away and finally just moved the coffee pot to hide it. We all knew it was there, but it was something we didn’t see. Like a scar that fades.
But what I did to Mandy isn’t a scar that’s going to fade, and I can’t hide it either. All I can do now is try my best to be the man she needs me to be for Daniel.
Chapter 17
MANDY
I notice the mustard on Daniel’s chin as he begins to speak. “He pushed me—”
“Swallow your food before talking.”
