by Fanny Merkin
I look up at Earl, who smiles and flashes his own pointed fangs. “I guess there’s something we need to talk about,” he says. The baby gazes at me, and I gaze at him, and then Earl gazes at me, and then we all take turns gazing at each other gazingly.
BOARDROOM HOTTIES
VOL. 14, ISSUE 3
“Earl Grey & Anna Steal Married in Seattle”
A BOARDROOM HOTTIES EXCLUSIVE BY KATHLEEN KRAVEN
Three months after the birth of their first child, the Earl Grey Corporation’s resident hottie Earl Grey and his fiancée, Amazon warehouse employee Anna Steal, have tied the knot. The couple was married in a hush-hush ceremony in Seattle’s newly renovated Space Needle this April—and Boardroom Hotties was there with the exclusive!
Earl, 28, and Anna, 22, began dating nearly a year ago and caused an uproar when they “came out” in public at Earl’s drunk diving charity ball. It also caused a stir around the Boardroom Hotties office, mainly because we had all assumed the mysterious Earl Grey batted for the other team. Not so!
Longtime Boardroom Hotties readers may remember Earl and Anna’s close call last year, when their helicopter crashed into the Space Needle. Thankfully, Earl escaped without a scratch on his gorgeous face. Anna’s injuries were more severe, but she recovered quickly thanks to celebrity doctor Drew Pinsky. Thirty-two tourists lost their lives in the accident, which totaled the historic landmark. Earl financed reconstruction of the towering structure, and the Space Needle now stands over 1,800 feet tall—nearly three times its previous height. Word on the street is that its new distinctive pinkish hue and “veiny” appearance are modeled after Earl’s own “space needle.” This reporter was unable to confirm the likeness, unfortunately.
The wedding ceremony was attended by close friends and family only. The groom’s side of the aisle was packed with local celebrities, including Earl’s adoptive father (and 1986 Boardroom Hottie of the Month) Bill Gates. The bride’s nudist mother and stepfather made for some interesting family portraits!
The bride wore a tasteful white Louis Vuitton for Target bridal gown designed specifically for the occasion; the groom wore Tom Ford (literally—he draped the designer over his shoulders). Standing up for the couple were this reporter (as the maid of honor, celebrating eleven months of sobriety) and best man Tom Cruise. The ceremony was officiated by the Reverend Brent Spiner.
The happy newlyweds will be honeymooning with their infant son at Triassic Safari, Earl’s private dinosaur park in Hawaii that he totally thought of way before Michael Crichton wrote Jurassic Park.
Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames
The Complete, Unexpurgated List
1. Shopping at Walmart on Saturdays
2. Bondage with handcuffs
3. Plays BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery, and Magick)
4. Mancrush on Tom Cruise, even after all the Scientology/ Katie Holmes BS
5. Spanking
6. Actually likes the taste of Bud Light
7. Whipping
8. Flogging
9. Cried when Oprah went off the air, but never found the time to watch her cable channel
10. Caning
11. Backdoor sex
12. Prefers Jay Leno over David Letterman
13. Teabagging
14. Nipple clamps
15. Doesn’t understand why everyone hated the Star Wars prequels so much
16. Thought Jerry Seinfeld was the funniest part of Seinfeld
17. Bath & Body Works Signature Collection Coconut Lime Breeze body wash
18. Cock rings
19. Doesn’t get Mad Men—like, at all
20. Uses a PC laptop with an Apple sticker covering the Dell logo
21. Steals Wi-Fi from neighbors
22. Finds it incredibly erotic when women pick their noses
23. Nickelback
24. Only flosses teeth the week before a scheduled dentist appointment
25. Watches Titanic at least once a year, and laughs every time when that guy hits the propeller
26. Team Jacob
27. Trolls Craigslist for dates
28. Wishes Katy Perry and Russell Brand would reunite, because they were so good together
29. Thought Heath Ledger was “just okay” as the Joker
30. Olive Garden is his favorite Italian restaurant
31. Bondage with rope
32. Pays women to live-action role play (LARP)
33. Never finished reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged
34. Watches professional wrestling religiously even though he knows it’s not “real”
35. Gossip Girl
36. Can’t remember the last time he trimmed his toenails
37. Makes frequent references to Snakes on a Plane, even though it wasn’t even funny to do so when the movie was in theaters
38. Vibrators
39. Thinks Tim Burton is kind of overrated
40. Wishes everyone would just leave Kristen Stewart alone
41. Lesbian porn doesn’t really do it for him
42. Can eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in under half a minute
43. Thinks Jeff Foxworthy is hilarious
44. Snowballing
45. Thinks you just can’t beat a good floral-print Hawaiian shirt
46. Kind of thought George W. Bush was decent as commander in chief
47. Butt plugs
48. 16 and Pregnant
49. Pegging
50. Reads erotic romance novels
AN EXCERPT FROM
Fifty Shames in Space
Earl Grey bends me over the railing overlooking the vast, alien jungle and takes me from behind. In our rush to get busy, we have stripped off only the minimal amount of clothing necessary, and are making love with our pants around our ankles and the rest of our space clothing untouched. The twenty-pound jetpack is still strapped to my back; it takes an eternity to get completely out of our space battle gear, and neither of us can wait another ten minutes to get hot and heavy.
As we bone under Xenux’s twin moons, I think about all that’s happened since the birth of our son: the human-vampire war, the invading alien forces that exploded the sun, the fact that Jin and Kathleen finally found true love (with each other), and then, six months later, their breakup after Jin caught her making sandwiches with the Winklevoss twins.
The closer I get to climaxing, the more my nipples ache to be touched. Finally, it is too much to bear. I fumble with my top, in a desperate attempt to free my breasts as I ride Earl to my pleasurable destination. One touch is all it will take to send me over the edge. Earl, sensing what I’m trying to do, wraps an arm around me to cup my left breast—but his long fingers find the jetpack’s emergency booster switch instead.
I am shot three hundred yards across the jungle, where I crash-land into a tree.
It is the best orgasm of my life.
When I trek back through the jungle and find Earl, there’s not much left of him. The direct blast from my jetpack’s single thruster cut him in half at the waist. My poor Earl Grey is now fifty shades of messed up . . .
Does Earl Grey survive? Find out in Fifty Shames in Space, the thrilling sequel to Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. Twice the sex, twice the excitement, and twice the sex!
Acknowledgments
Thank you to Brandi Bowles and the fine folks at Foundry Literary + Media for believing in this project. Pony power!
Thank you to Brandy Rivers and the Gersh Agency for scouting locations for my luxury mansion in Beverly Hills.
Thank you to Renée Sedliar, Lissa Warren, Sean Maher, Kevin Hanover, John Radziewicz, Alex Camlin, and everyone at Da Capo Press and Perseus Books Group.
Thank you to Christine Marra and Marrathon Editorial Production Services for beating the manuscript into shape.
Thank you to Jennifer Sullivan, Hilary Rose, and the entire Tantor Audio team.
Thank you to the talented Allyson Ryan for bringing Anna Steal to life for the audiobook.
Thank you to my beta readers, T
iffany Reisz and Karen Stivali.
Thank you to the thousands of readers who followed this story through the first three chapters back when it was serialized on EvilReads.com as Fifty-one Shades. I wasn’t lying when I said I would sell out, change the characters’ names, and hide from y’all in my brand new McMansion. Good luck getting past my alligator-filled moat!
And, last but not least, thank you to Stephenie Meyer for the inspiration.
Index
A
“Aaaarrrrghhhh!,”
Ackroyd, Dan
Apple, poison(see also Poison)
Apple, product placement of
Ass, burnt (see Starbucks)
B
Babies, Beanie
Basket-weaving, underwater
BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery and Magick)
Beyoncé,
Body wash, expensive
C
Camellia sinensis
Cleveland Steamer
Cornell, Chris
Crocs, bright pink
Cruise, Tom
Culkin, Macauley
Cullen, Edward
D
Deliverance (joke)
Dice, sixty-nine-sided
Dice, twenty-sided
Dirty Sanchez
Diving, drunk
Drew, Dr.
E
Elevators
Eyes, gray
F
F-14 Tomcat
Fingers, long
Four Loko
G
Gates, Bill
Gossip Girl
Grey, Earl (man)
Grey, Earl (tea)
Griffey, Jr., Ken
Guidette, Inner, overuse of
Guitar Hero
“Gulp,”
Guns N’ Roses
H
Hair, tousled
Harry Potter
Hello Kitty
Hotmail
J
Jägerbombs
Jay-Z
Jurassic Park
L
Lincoln, Abraham
M
Manticore,
Mermaid (naked women swimming in a fish tank)
Mermaid (topless in Starbucks logo)
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
N
Nickelback
Nail, nineteen-inch
Nails, Nine Inch
Nirvana
O
Obama, Barack
“Oh my,”
Olive Garden
P
Paloozi, Nicole “Snooki,”
Park, Jurassic (see Jurassic Park)
Perry, Katy
magic tricks out of Anna’s
perfume
Pinot Noir, three hundred dollar bottles of
Poison(see also Apple, poison)
PonyExpression.net
Pretty Woman
R
Red Bull and Jägermeister (see Jägerbombs)
Red Bull and NyQuil
Rib, Mc
Romney, Mitt
Rusty Trombone
S
Safari, Triassic (see also Jurassic Park)
Shamrock Shake
Snooki (see Paloozi, Nicole “Snooki”)
Space Needle
before
after
Sparks, Nicholas
Spiner, Brent
Starbucks
Super Mario Kart
T
Tambourine
Tampons, vodka-soaked
Tape, cassettes
Tape, duct
Tea, Earl Grey
Tea, not Earl Grey,
Tea, white,
Teabagging
Tension, sexual
Thunder, Days of
Tie, smiley-faced
Triceratops (see Safari, Triassic)
Twilight
U
“Uh-oh,”
Unicycle, dangerous operation of
V
Vampire, sparkly
Vedder, Eddie
W
Wall Street
Walmart
Winfrey, Oprah, painting of
Womb, growing needy with want
Words With Friends
Z
Zuckerberg, Mark
Zumba
About the Author
Fanny Merkin hides from her fans lives in a Beverly Hills mansion purchased using the embarrassingly large advance she received for Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. She is a former Walmart employee who writes under the pseudonym “Andrew Shaffer” for publications as diverse as Mental Floss and Maxim. Andrew Shaffer is the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love. He reviews romance, erotica, and women’s fiction for RT Book Reviews magazine.
50shames.com
ThisMerkinLife.com
This is a work of parody. It imitates an author’s style and work for comic effect. Its intent is to ridicule. Its purpose is to make people laugh. The dialogue, thoughts, attitudes, and actions of its characters, even those based on public figures, are all fictional. They are included only to enhance the overall value and effectiveness of the parody.
Copyright © 2012 by Andrew Shaffer
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, MA 02210.
Editorial production by Marrathon Production Services. www.marrathon.net
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available for this book.
eISBN : 978-0-306-82200-1
First Da Capo Press edition 2012
Published by Da Capo Press
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
www.dacapopress.com
Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA, 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail [email protected].
Table of Contents
Praise
Title Page
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-one
Chapter Twenty-two
Chapter Twenty-three
Chapter Twenty-four
Chapter Twenty-five
Chapter Twenty-six
Chapter Twenty-seven
Chapter Twenty-eight
Chapter Twenty-nine
Epilogue
BOARDROOM HOTTIES
Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames
AN EXCERPT FROM Fifty Shames in Space
Acknowledgments
Index
About the Author
Copyright Page
